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Big mistake... I wasn´t ready!

Old 02-14-2009, 05:49 PM
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Big mistake... I wasn´t ready!

Hello everybody!

I love my AH husband but now I know what I want and that is finish my marriage with him because I know he doesn´ t want to stop drinking and I don´t want to live with that problem.

So without a previous plan I just told him 2 days ago that we should separate. He didn ´t really expect that because we hadn´t had any arguments and he hadn´t drunk in 7 days.

So he told me how selfish I am to want to leave him when he has this disease. He said he would never do that to me if I was ill. He also said that the reason because I do that is because I had a sheltered life. He is convinced that I had the best life ever (which is not true because like everybody I had problems) unlike him. He says that I shouldn´t complain because “even though he drinks he thinks my life is good”, he is not an aggressive alcoholic, he just drinks every 10 days locked in his room and it doesn´t make me any harm.

He said all that but he also said that he is ok with the separation. But after that conversation I felt so bad and changed my mind and asked him to forgive me… how stupid I am … He made me feel guilty. So I am back to the same old point I made the same mistake … I really wasn´t ready. He made me feel like an evil wife.

Do you have any opinions about this situation? Thank you so much for taking the time to read.
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Old 02-14-2009, 06:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Margareta View Post
Hello everybody!

I love my AH husband but now I know what I want and that is finish my marriage with him because I know he doesn´ t want to stop drinking and I don´t want to live with that problem.
That is absolutely your perogative, and a healthy, wise minded decision, alcoholism affects everyone around it, you shouldn't have to have it in your life if you don't want it.

Originally Posted by Margareta View Post
So he told me how selfish I am to want to leave him when he has this disease. He said he would never do that to me if I was ill. He also said that the reason because I do that is because I had a sheltered life.
This is manipulation of the worst sort, it is reprehensible, and I am an alcoholic, and a male, and have a tendency to see their point of view.

This is what I think of that:

:*******:

Originally Posted by Margareta View Post
He says that I shouldn´t complain because “even though he drinks he thinks my life is good”, he is not an aggressive alcoholic, he just drinks every 10 days locked in his room and it doesn´t make me any harm.
more manipulation, that is no way to live a life, no matter what someone tells us.

You say you love him, but does he love you? I have seen nothing in this post to indicate he loves anything but himself and his disease, love does NOT equal manipulation. You say you love him, is he worthy of that love? I don't mean his words, but his actions, what are his actions telling you?

Originally Posted by Margareta View Post
He said all that but he also said that he is ok with the separation. But after that conversation I felt so bad and changed my mind and asked him to forgive me… how stupid I am … He made me feel guilty. So I am back to the same old point I made the same mistake … I really wasn´t ready. He made me feel like an evil wife.

Do you have any opinions about this situation? Thank you so much for taking the time to read.
Of course he is going to make you feel evil...you're threatening "his supply"

I am not going to say leave, or don't leave, but can you get some support? Can you make it to some Alanon meetings or to see a therapist?

Don't feel guilty or stupid, we are all human, and compassion is not to be sneered at, however manipulation of compassion is not too cool.

Be gentle on yourself, welcome, read the stickies, keep posting, we are glad you are here.
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Old 02-14-2009, 06:12 PM
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So he told me how selfish I am to want to leave him when he has this disease. He said he would never do that to me if I was ill.

I used to defend my AH by saying "he had a disease -- I wouldn't leave him if he had cancer". Someone on this forum said to me, "if he had cancer, chose not to get treatment for it and treated you badly -- might you leave then?" It was a very poignient question for me. Is he choosing to get treatment for his disease? Like any other disease, without treatment, it will progress.

I told my AH many many many many times that I would leave him if he didn't stop. Every binge he went on, I would follow it with an "I'm leaving you". It would then move on to me saying I was sorry, I didn't want him to leave, I love you. And part of that is true. I never wanted him to leave. I still love him. I wanted him to get better. But after years of waiting for that, I'm tired. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I have spent the first 1/2 of my life with alcoholics and no longer chose to spend the last 1/2 with them.

Don't be so hard on yourself for changing your mind. It's a step that you recognize that maybe you aren't ready to leave quite yet. This process takes practice and it doesn't happen right away, that's for sure -- it's slow. There will be others along who are waaaaay further in the process than I.

Perhaps start by deciding what you will or will not put up with. Be gentle with yourself. Keep coming here, maybe alanon -- whatever helps to put the focus on you. One day at a time.
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Old 02-14-2009, 08:47 PM
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Before Al-Anon, I thought there were only two options - leave or stay. Now I know there is a third option - wait. I can leave it with my higher power and I am sure an answer will reveal itself. AH is either going to get better or get worse. My concern used to be that if he gets worse, then I will get sicker too and I won't be in a good state of mind to leave. Waiting isn't passive. If I work the program and really focus on my own recovery, then I will have the strength to leave when it becomes necessary.
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Old 02-14-2009, 09:22 PM
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So he told me how selfish I am to want to leave him when he has this disease. He said he would never do that to me if I was ill. He also said that the reason because I do that is because I had a sheltered life. He is convinced that I had the best life ever (which is not true because like everybody I had problems) unlike him. He says that I shouldn´t complain because “even though he drinks he thinks my life is good”, he is not an aggressive alcoholic, he just drinks every 10 days locked in his room and it doesn´t make me any harm.

"Quack quack quack" This is just the quacking of an Alcoholic. I could have written this exact same thing about my AH.

You did not cause this disease, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

Whenever my AH would feel me pull away he would throw stuff out there like this to keep me feeling guilty and keep me there. It is a CYCLE. BUT you can choose to help yourself and not participate in it anymore. I like to call it GETTING OFF THE ROLLERCOASTER

I think you did fabulous! you recognized that you weren't ready and then you came here for advise.

I found it very helpful in the begining to educate myself about the disease as much as I could. Check out the "classic Reading" sticky at the top of this forum.

Keep posting!
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Old 02-14-2009, 11:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Margareta View Post
So he told me how selfish I am to want to leave him when he has this disease. He said he would never do that to me if I was ill.
Personally I don't hold to the disease model. Even so I give the most of an argument where I can. I agree with what Ago shared with you. And timetogo gave a great example to explaining disease verses behavior with a disease. If you were seriously ill do you believe he would he stop drinking? Also, the behavior of drinking and the impaired consequences associated with it are a form of abandoment to the spouse. My husband has abandonded me in almost every area of partnership because of his drinking. ' He ' has already left me.

Originally Posted by Margareta View Post
he is not an aggressive alcoholic, he just drinks every 10 days locked in his room and it doesn´t make me any harm.
Margareta, if you are not harmed why are you here telling your story and looking for support?

Lets say he is being honest that he is only drinking every 10 days. Whether he is doing what is called bingeing or his drinking is a # of days with a certain amount of consumption, both will get progressively worse as he continues to drink. He admits he is going to continue drinking and that he has a problem.

Margareta, would you consider writing a list? One side might say "How has AH loved me with his drinking" and the other "How has AH harmed me with his drinking." And then maybe a second page," What are the chances AH will grow in how he loves me if his drinking progresses" and "What are the chances AH will grow in how he harms me if his drinking progresses." This exercise will do many things, but it will at least help you see where you are honestly at today. It can also help you to protect yourself today and in the future.

Originally Posted by Margareta View Post
He made me feel guilty. So I am back to the same old point I made the same mistake … I really wasn´t ready. He made me feel like an evil wife.
It is one thing for you to decidedly not be ready. It is entirely another to decide your not ready because of a false sense of guilt whether AH manipulated you towards it or it is self induced.

, why would you feel "evil?" Was a single one of you motives evil? Me thinks not.:-)

love tammy
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Old 02-15-2009, 05:25 AM
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Originally Posted by Margareta View Post
Hello everybody!

but now I know what I want and that is finish my marriage with him because I know he doesn´ t want to stop drinking and I don´t want to live with that problem.
you don't need to justify it: that's enough. This is your life.

But after that conversation I felt so bad and changed my mind and asked him to forgive me… how stupid I am … He made me feel guilty. So I am back to the same old point I made the same mistake … I really wasn´t ready. He made me feel like an evil wife
.

it's okay to not be 100% sure, to wobble back and forth a bit, especially in the face of full-force manipulation. If you still want to leave then this is just a bump in the road, its not a road block or a complete U-turn. You don't have to believe you are back at square one. You can keep moving forward.

take care,
hugs XXXX
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Old 02-15-2009, 08:02 AM
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I can only speak for me, but worrying about my partner's health, safety AND life on a regular basis was VERY harmful for me. I told him that I don't want to stay up anymore to make sure that he is still breathing and I don't want to be scared anymore that I find him dead because he drank too much or choked to death. Going through his drinking binge every 10 days is extremely harmful I think, and it doesn't stop with the binge because for the next 10 days, you are anticipating the next one. That sounds immensely stressful, draining, and destructive for YOU (I know it was for me). :ghug3
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Old 02-15-2009, 09:27 AM
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If you aren't ready, you aren't ready. Just be aware that everytime you set a boundary and then let him violate that boundary without consequence, you are teaching him that you don't mean what you say.
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Old 02-15-2009, 10:14 AM
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Originally Posted by Barbara52 View Post
If you aren't ready, you aren't ready. Just be aware that everytime you set a boundary and then let him violate that boundary without consequence, you are teaching him that you don't mean what you say.
We have to realize that every time we condition someone, we are taking part in their self-destruction. It feels right to give in, because we can make the pain go away faster (see the book Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward), but after doing it a few times, we condition them to think that it works. And we condition ourselves to respond in the way they want. It's a viscious cycle, that we become afraid to break!

What motivates you to stay? To help? Your need to be a part of his life? Your fear to know he'd be just fine without you? Your desire to fix him? Are you ignoring your suspicions that he's just using you as a Hostess - a home base he can go to, where his b.s. would be accepted?

When my live-in ABF said to me (yelled at me, rather) that I push men away, and have pushed all my boyfriends away, and all my relationships failed because I pushed men away, at first I thought "oh, no, could that be true? How hurtful!!" The classic, expected response. Then I thought, "hmm, but that's not true. And how would he know why my relationships failed? I didn't push them away, and no one ever said that. I did all the breaking up anyway." Originally, I wanted to fall into his trap and give him the expected reaction, which was, "woe is me, I'm so terrible at relationships" but it wasn't true about me, so I snapped out of it.

I've conditioned my ABF very much: giving in when he'd yell, or get angry (fear of binge, or leaving me), giving in when he'd blame me for something. Just to keep the peace. But at what cost? Second guessing myself? Permitting disrespectful behavior?

Anyway, I started being able to detatch myself from him when I started looking at myself and my needs for the answer. Why am I staying here? Why am I accepting behavior in my life that I wouldn't expect from a stranger? Why am I willing to let inappropriate comments and behavior go? To keep him? To avoid seeing him pack up his stuff and go? To avoid seeing him able to leave me without flinching? To not know that he went back to his ex wife and it was her he loved all the time? Well, we can stay on the same page and not get to the next chapter of the book, which may be filled with joy and happiness, and freedom and relief. Or we can look to ourselves and our false beliefs for the answer. I found my answer. And I found it inside of myself.

Good luck and stick with this board. The members here are amazing people. Very caring, compassionate, enlightening people. I wish we could all meet weekly and just talk! The posts have helped me a lot. I've learned a lot about myself - and how I'm responsible for ME and my well being, and if I choose to be with him, well, it's my choice to put up with what he's got to offer. It's not my place or in my ability to change him.

~Really Ready, but this time, to leave...
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Old 02-15-2009, 04:47 PM
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Welcome to SR.
The best thing I can say is to continue coming here and to try attending Al-Anon where you will find some face to face support from people who understand. I also found it helpful to attend some open AA meetings to learn first hand, more about this disease.
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