bookwyrm

I've got someone coming to view my house on Monday night. Wish me luck!

I have some mixed feelings about selling the house though. On one hand I really want to move out and get on with my life, find a place that's mine! On the other I think its just all too much upheaval already. I guess I'm a little scared about moving. I have no idea where I want to live, just so long as I can get to work.

Its also the last tie to my AH. It is well and truly over with him and I feel like I'm just starting to come out of the protective shell I lived in last year to stop his verbal and emotional abuse from destroying me. I feel all vulnerable now that the peace is here.

I have started counselling and it has made such a huge difference in such a short space of time. I've only been to three sessions! My biggest revelation was last week, and I can't beleive I've reach the age I am without getting this. Its about the people pleaser in me - bear with me and I will explain.

I have a temp at work I really dislike. I was making myself feel very anxious and uptight when I was around her. I felt guilty and 'wrong'. My counsellor helped me see that, actually, it is OK for me not to like her. It doesn't mean I'm a horrible person. Nor does it mean that the temp is a horrible person either. She's like butter beans. I dislike butter beans - won't eat em for love nor money - yeuch. But that doesn't mean that there is something wrong with me! It doesn't stop the butter beans from being nutritious and delicious to those that like them. It is just a matter of personal taste.

Now here's the tricky bit (for me anyway). I'm allowed to be a butter bean to others! Doesn't stop me from being tasty to those that like me but it is insane to try and 'make' everyone thing butter beans are fab!

I kinda knew this already but it really hit home to me during my counselling session. This realisation is immensely freeing for me. Last Friday I went into a room full of strangers and actually enjoyed myself and relaxed a bit! I wasn't twisted up in anxiety. I feel this is big progress for me!

And I have finally come to the conclusion that my AH, my 'soulmate', my best friend and the love of my life has finally turned into a butter bean. And that's just so sad. Looking at who he is right now I don't want to know him and I certainly wouldn't want to socialise with him or even be his friend. How did that happen?!

Anyway, I've put off the cleaning job long enough - time to get the house spick and span for the viewers!

Thank you all for listening to me ramble.

ToughChoices

Good luck with the house stuff, bookwrym!
I'm sending selling vibes your way.

btw - I really like butter beans. Just something to keep in mind if you happen to be one at some point.

Take care!
-TC

tallulah

Good luck bookwyrm

Bernadette

good luck with the house bookwyrm--
Thank you for sharing the butter bean analogy--I think that's very useful -- now if someone is getting under my skin I can just chant "butter beans" to myself and it will remind me of this healthier way to look at it.

((hugs))
b