Advise on future with Fiancee
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Reading PA
Posts: 46
Advise on future with Fiancee
I need your opinion. My fiancee and myself have been engaged for two years and never lived together. We had lived 50 miles apart and I generally would always go up to his place on weekends. He has been actively drinking for about a 1 1/2 of our relationship and has been in and out or rehabs, detox about three times. This time he is in debt for $15,000 and about to lose his house so he decided to go live with his Mom in lieu of me as he said he has his support down where his Mom is which is now two hours away. He is giving me no guarantees if he will ever come and be together with me. I have a good job I have had for 23 years and a son that goes to school in the area. He said I should understand that he has to live with his Mom in lieu of me and I should support his recovery. He has promised to move with me twice and backed out. In the meantime I sit here alone and lonely and not sure if I should waste my time as I am not sure if I have a future or not. I am 48 years old and feel like I am never going to be his top priority or even a main consideration ever in any of his decisions. Is this normal alcoholic behavior? I just feel like there should be more to life then constantly waiting for your fiancee to throw you a thread of attention and affection. Shouldn't a 48 year old man want to live with his fiancee in lieu of his Mother? Is it fair he has me sitting here waiting for him in hope he may be with me?
Thank you for your help and advise.
Sheila Bohn
Thank you for your help and advise.
Sheila Bohn
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Sheila,
I can tell you are hurt, but maybe this is a good time to step back and think harder about this.
It is a very serious matter to marry a known alcoholic. His debts become your debts, his actions may lose YOUR house instead of his own, his DUIs influence you, his late night relapses and their consequences affect you. Read around this forum and you will hear a hundred stories of women who wish to heck they could go back and NOT marry a man that seemed to still be precarious in terms of his drinking.
You have a good home, a stable job, a kid who loves you. This is a man who's vanished on you, went to an old girlfriend's to "detox" for days....who's hurt you. Instead of seeing his actions as a slight to you, consider taking a little bit of time to ponder why god or a higher power or the universe might be choosing to do this. What will life with such an unstable, noncommittal man be like? Are you wanting him to be with you for the right reasons -- that he will add joy, peace, and stability to your life? (I'm not seeing that, but.....)
I know it hurts like heck. But the suffering of living with active alcoholism may make your current pain seem like a mosquito bite by comparison. Seeing as he isn't putting you first after all this time (and seems to be trying to keep his options open, with you on a string), you may want to just TRY to imagine that this might be a gift from the heavens...and see how that feels.
I believe in a higher power that watches my back, even if it happens in strange ways sometimes. And you deserve more than this.
Wishing you peace and strength
I can tell you are hurt, but maybe this is a good time to step back and think harder about this.
It is a very serious matter to marry a known alcoholic. His debts become your debts, his actions may lose YOUR house instead of his own, his DUIs influence you, his late night relapses and their consequences affect you. Read around this forum and you will hear a hundred stories of women who wish to heck they could go back and NOT marry a man that seemed to still be precarious in terms of his drinking.
You have a good home, a stable job, a kid who loves you. This is a man who's vanished on you, went to an old girlfriend's to "detox" for days....who's hurt you. Instead of seeing his actions as a slight to you, consider taking a little bit of time to ponder why god or a higher power or the universe might be choosing to do this. What will life with such an unstable, noncommittal man be like? Are you wanting him to be with you for the right reasons -- that he will add joy, peace, and stability to your life? (I'm not seeing that, but.....)
I know it hurts like heck. But the suffering of living with active alcoholism may make your current pain seem like a mosquito bite by comparison. Seeing as he isn't putting you first after all this time (and seems to be trying to keep his options open, with you on a string), you may want to just TRY to imagine that this might be a gift from the heavens...and see how that feels.
I believe in a higher power that watches my back, even if it happens in strange ways sometimes. And you deserve more than this.
Wishing you peace and strength
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
There is more to life than waiting on a fiance who is unstable and drinking.
What do you want out of life? Don't you feel that you deserve better? What is your greatest fear if you let go of this relationship?
Just some food for thought. :ghug :ghug
What do you want out of life? Don't you feel that you deserve better? What is your greatest fear if you let go of this relationship?
Just some food for thought. :ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
First just let me say that, although you can't see it clearly right now, you have every reason to be grateful that he chooses not to live with you. He obviously wants a "mommy" to take care of him and you don't fit the bill. I hope for your sake you never do. None of us needs 48 yo children to take care of, lol.
The other thing I will mention is that old Dr. Phil thing where he says we teach people how to treat us. My XAH treated me with such disrespect and did so with such bravado only because he knew that I would accept it. Why? I showed him, year after year, that no matter how awful he was to me, I would not leave. Why? I'm still sorting through all that, but mostly because I thought that no one else would ever love me. I was willing to sacrifice myself on the alter of his ego because I felt unworthy of real, actual, true, unconditional love. Those are my issues, not his. And the more I work on my issues, the better my life gets.
What worked for me? I found a really smart therapist who helped me face all the icky, painful, unresolved beliefs that I had been hanging on to since I was a small child. I learned to let go of desired outcomes and deal with reality. I woke up to the fact that I only have one very short life and my choices make it what it is. I let him make his choices and took back the power of making mine. I only wish I would have done all this sooner. But, I also know that it's never too late to have a good life.
L
The other thing I will mention is that old Dr. Phil thing where he says we teach people how to treat us. My XAH treated me with such disrespect and did so with such bravado only because he knew that I would accept it. Why? I showed him, year after year, that no matter how awful he was to me, I would not leave. Why? I'm still sorting through all that, but mostly because I thought that no one else would ever love me. I was willing to sacrifice myself on the alter of his ego because I felt unworthy of real, actual, true, unconditional love. Those are my issues, not his. And the more I work on my issues, the better my life gets.
What worked for me? I found a really smart therapist who helped me face all the icky, painful, unresolved beliefs that I had been hanging on to since I was a small child. I learned to let go of desired outcomes and deal with reality. I woke up to the fact that I only have one very short life and my choices make it what it is. I let him make his choices and took back the power of making mine. I only wish I would have done all this sooner. But, I also know that it's never too late to have a good life.
L
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
My XAH treated me with such disrespect and did so with such bravado only because he knew that I would accept it. Why? I showed him, year after year, that no matter how awful he was to me, I would not leave. Why? I'm still sorting through all that, but mostly because I thought that no one else would ever love me. I was willing to sacrifice myself on the alter of his ego because I felt unworthy of real, actual, true, unconditional love.
WOW! Thank you for this LTD -- this hit the nail on the head for me!
A quote from this forum came to my mind when I read your post (not sure where I saw it).........."I'm tired of making him my priority, when all I am is an option".
It sounds like you are setting yourself up for a lot of heartache. Like GL said, I certainly wish I had more "red flags" before I became involved with someone that I'm trying to leave 27 years later. It hurts -- but I find there is little about living with an alcoholic that doesn't hurt. And in my experience, it gets worse.
Think about the life you have now -- is having someone in it and not being alone worth the sacrifice of yourself?
WOW! Thank you for this LTD -- this hit the nail on the head for me!
A quote from this forum came to my mind when I read your post (not sure where I saw it).........."I'm tired of making him my priority, when all I am is an option".
It sounds like you are setting yourself up for a lot of heartache. Like GL said, I certainly wish I had more "red flags" before I became involved with someone that I'm trying to leave 27 years later. It hurts -- but I find there is little about living with an alcoholic that doesn't hurt. And in my experience, it gets worse.
Think about the life you have now -- is having someone in it and not being alone worth the sacrifice of yourself?
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