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Following In His Mother's Footsteps..

Old 02-13-2009, 04:19 AM
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Following In His Mother's Footsteps..

I've written a few posts about my 17 year old son and what I feel is a co-dependent relationship with his girlfriend and her verbally abusive family... Yesterday I had had enough after the GFs mom flipped out on the phone at my son and continued even after he said she was on speaker and I was trying to figure out what was going on.

I went over there to confront her... talk about quacking (they don't even drink). This woman is completely out there and what she thinks is "ok" is WRONG! She even blamed us for her 20 year old son (who is in the Marines) not telling her about his girlfriend. We didn't, but that's his job, not ours.

I didn't freak out, like I wanted to, on this woman because my son is standing there in tears so of course I was diplomatic. I also felt that he would see all the BS they where throwing out there. And we would talk about it later...

Guess what he didn't!!! OMG!!! I stood there and let this woman go on and on thinking...listen to this nut job...even tho..she was mocking me... and he thinks everything is great! I am so disappointed in him!!! If I had any idea he was buying what she was saying I would have put her in her place...

I mean she stood there and told him he wasn't good enough for HER daughter!!! Her daughter is one of those clingy pests who doesn't even let my kid have friends and I haven't said one bad thing about the kid!

I feel my choices are limited...I had already told him he wasn't to be around her parents and that they could only go out a couple of days a week... so I've limited contact.. I tried pointing out things she lied about ... but he believes her, not the 10 other people (including me) she lied to... So short of telling him he can't see her... I'm not sure what else to do... Then I think he would just sneak out anyway...Not to mention I also think all the problems from her parents are just driving them together... I don't intend to add to it...

This reminds me of the first guy I married when I was 18...I am praying big time that he ends this!!! Oh well thanks for listening again... With AH I can't even talk to him about this... (well not much of anything)... gosh... I really hate my life sometimes...:wtf2
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Old 02-13-2009, 05:52 AM
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(((((((Brundle))))))))

Please be gentle on yourself. Step back, if you can. Try to assess this from what you want for you, because you can control that. What you want him to do and see isn't happening right now, and I am sorry you and your son are hurting.

I don't have much experience with this yet (as a parent/ but as a codie....) - my children are very young. But as a long time teacher of HS seniors, I see these relationships often enough. The parents who didn't interfere (BTW, I am not at all implying that you interfered; I think kids also need to see their parents defend them/protect them when they are unempowered and being hurt in a system.) fared best for themselves and, ultimately, their kids. What they did do was create as many opportunities for their children to develop/repair their own self-esteem. (Jobs, internships, service projects, teen boards with local museums, church/temple, the arts, etc.) While the girl/boy-friend would balk, at first, these activities would allow the kid to see themselves differently, separately. Sometimes, the relationship continued; more often they did not. But the result was natural.
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Old 02-13-2009, 06:06 AM
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Thank you so much. That is what I've been trying. I just put him in a music academy to use up some extra time an church (of course)... I suggested to the youth pastor he talk with my son about a missions trip with only one space left. My son agreed... So no girlfriend... I've also considered moving to my parents extra Florida home for a few months... Not sure about that yet...

Thanks though... I needed to hear that...
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Old 02-14-2009, 06:53 AM
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What a challenging situation for you brundle! I don't have children, so my experience in this area is limited. I wonder though, if you might be able to find a moment with your son to share how you felt about the encounter with the mom. I'm thinking not so much how you felt disappointed in your son (he might be feeling some shame and your disappointment will make that worse), but more about how mom's tirade was making you feel inside. The more "I" statements you can use, the fewer blaming messages you'll model to your son, and he'll see how a better-functioning adult takes in and processes a difficult person. I'm thinking something like, "When she stood there and told you that you weren't good enough for her daughter, it made me feel hurt and angry, and I just wanted to give her a piece of my mind, because I didn't think you deserved to be treated that way by her. I think you would be a super person for anyone's daughter." Or, "When she said XXX to me, I felt like she was mocking me, and I thought that was unfair to me and it made me mad."

The cool thing about "I" statements is that they communicate strength and confidence, in that only someone strong and confident in themselves will take the risk to be vulnerable and reveal true inner thoughts and feelings. And "I" statements help preclude us making judgmental type statements about others. Your son has already formed his opinion about the mom, and if you say that she is this and that, it will call your son's judgment into question in a direct way, perhaps triggering shame. Then you may lose him. Revealing your reactions with "I" statements will demonstrate to your son another perspective and interpretation of the events, and allow him to modify his own judgment of the mom and the situation, in his own time. Hang in there brundle, your son is lucky to have a mom who cares as much as you do.
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Old 02-15-2009, 04:40 AM
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Great Idea!! I took your advice and wrote him a note in a card! It touched him so much he has it hanging in his car! (I also wrote how I did not think those things about him!)

Thank you!!!
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