My visit with my Attorney
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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My visit with my Attorney
So, my consultation with my attorney was today. He is wonderful, confident and pretty much guaranteed me custody of my children, child support and ownership of the home. I feel so much better and yet I feel terrible. My AH does not know about the meeting. I do not normally keep secrets from him and I am a terrible liar. I feel so nervous and agitated about the visit and the "what if" my AH finds out. I don't know why I feel this way because AH always lies to me about everything and I never know his whereabouts and yet, when I do this one thing, I am crawling in my own skin!!
As some have suggested to me already on this forum, my attorney recommended that I keep a journal of my AH's drinking activities. Since he doesn't have a record/no dui's (I don't know how he has dodged that bullet thus far) a detailed log would be very helpful for me if/when it comes down to a custody fight. He was very nice and was not pushy at all, just giving me the facts, which is all I wanted at this point.
My mom and SIL both seemed shocked that I kept the appointment. He has gone 9 days without drinking so even they think things should be back to normal. What is normal??
I also checked into some therapy sessions for myself and was told by our insurance carrier that they don't cover that. Hmmm...I think I need to check into this a little more as the couple of places I did call to get a price all seemed a little surprised that we have the insurance that we have but yet it doesn't cover therapy at all. Maybe if I call back tomorrow with my insurance card in my hand they can run a check for me. Or, maybe I can actually find our insurance book that states what our coverage consists of. I doubt it..
As some have suggested to me already on this forum, my attorney recommended that I keep a journal of my AH's drinking activities. Since he doesn't have a record/no dui's (I don't know how he has dodged that bullet thus far) a detailed log would be very helpful for me if/when it comes down to a custody fight. He was very nice and was not pushy at all, just giving me the facts, which is all I wanted at this point.
My mom and SIL both seemed shocked that I kept the appointment. He has gone 9 days without drinking so even they think things should be back to normal. What is normal??
I also checked into some therapy sessions for myself and was told by our insurance carrier that they don't cover that. Hmmm...I think I need to check into this a little more as the couple of places I did call to get a price all seemed a little surprised that we have the insurance that we have but yet it doesn't cover therapy at all. Maybe if I call back tomorrow with my insurance card in my hand they can run a check for me. Or, maybe I can actually find our insurance book that states what our coverage consists of. I doubt it..
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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I forget where it was that I read this: "All knowledge is for good. It's the use to which we put it that can be right or wrong."
Congrats on gaining some new knowledge!! I have a feeling that when you figure out the therapy part of things (a good investment imho even if insurance doesn't cover, or covers only part) you will gain some amazing new knowledge on top of that.
Hugs to you
GL
Congrats on gaining some new knowledge!! I have a feeling that when you figure out the therapy part of things (a good investment imho even if insurance doesn't cover, or covers only part) you will gain some amazing new knowledge on top of that.
Hugs to you
GL
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
So, my consultation with my attorney was today. He is wonderful, confident and pretty much guaranteed me custody of my children, child support and ownership of the home. I feel so much better and yet I feel terrible. My AH does not know about the meeting. I do not normally keep secrets from him and I am a terrible liar. I feel so nervous and agitated about the visit and the "what if" my AH finds out. I don't know why I feel this way because AH always lies to me about everything and I never know his whereabouts and yet, when I do this one thing, I am crawling in my own skin!!
Hi SS -- I'm glad you kept the appointment -- no harm in checking things out! You say that you feel better and yet terrible. Is it that you feel terrible he may find out? And if so, what scares you about that?
I know with me, I was afraid he would start to threaten me (especially with money because he knows it is my weakness). Unfortunately, I need to depend on him for support right now (until our house sells) which he has been very agreeable to. I told him one FU and we would be in court -- I know he doesn't want to go there because it will be a lose lose situation for him.
I have kept a journal of most of his binges for the past 2 years in case I ever need it. If I don't need it legally, then I often refer to it when I start to "forget all the bad". It reminds me of what I am leaving instead of the good that I am losing.
I don't know what your relationship is like with MIL/SIL but I know with me, I was/am very close with his family - -they have been my family since I was 16 years old. I love them. But I also know that when we separated briefly 4 years ago, they were very understanding and on board with my decision, but quickly became focused on the fact that he was trying and that I was ignoring his attempts. Their loyalties ultimately are with him. This time, I'm very guarded with what i share with them as I would like to keep my relationship somewhat in tact.
You should be proud of yourself for gathering information to protect you and your children.
be gentle with yourself
Hi SS -- I'm glad you kept the appointment -- no harm in checking things out! You say that you feel better and yet terrible. Is it that you feel terrible he may find out? And if so, what scares you about that?
I know with me, I was afraid he would start to threaten me (especially with money because he knows it is my weakness). Unfortunately, I need to depend on him for support right now (until our house sells) which he has been very agreeable to. I told him one FU and we would be in court -- I know he doesn't want to go there because it will be a lose lose situation for him.
I have kept a journal of most of his binges for the past 2 years in case I ever need it. If I don't need it legally, then I often refer to it when I start to "forget all the bad". It reminds me of what I am leaving instead of the good that I am losing.
I don't know what your relationship is like with MIL/SIL but I know with me, I was/am very close with his family - -they have been my family since I was 16 years old. I love them. But I also know that when we separated briefly 4 years ago, they were very understanding and on board with my decision, but quickly became focused on the fact that he was trying and that I was ignoring his attempts. Their loyalties ultimately are with him. This time, I'm very guarded with what i share with them as I would like to keep my relationship somewhat in tact.
You should be proud of yourself for gathering information to protect you and your children.
be gentle with yourself
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
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Originally Posted by sillysquirrel 
My mom and SIL both seemed shocked that I kept the appointment. He has gone 9 days without drinking so even they think things should be back to normal. What is normal??
They did the best they could, it's just no one taught them either.
I am trying to change family dynamics, not perpetuate them, it's not I don''t love my family, it's just if I am going to start breaking patterns I learned from them, they aren't who I go to with "relationship" stuff.
SIL will also be on her brothers "side" is my guess, once again perpetuating the family dynamics she has learned.
I found people in my family were pretty uncomfortable when I started making healthy decisions for myself, and advised against them pretty strongly. Very much like a story Jack Kornfield tells in "A PAth With Heart" , My parents hated me being a Buddhist, but loved it when I was being a Buddha", that was my experience as well.
So, who did I go to? see next part
Originally Posted by sillysquirrel
I also checked into some therapy sessions for myself and was told by our insurance carrier that they don't cover that.
It's free.
The friends I have made there are some of the best friends I have today, I've known most of my "support group" for well over ten years, many for 16-17 years, they helped me get well, and they help me think straight today.
That started a journey where I have studied Buddhism, Taoism, opened me up to Christianity, Druidism, truly opening me up to spiritual studies of all sorts, including meditation etc, which, at the end of the day, once you get past all the Dogma, are all just ways to help me move through this life with more Grace, ease, and comfort. They just taught me how to be comfortable in my own skin and help me make "wise mind" healthy decisions for myself.
None of them ever give advice or opinion, instead, they share "experience, strength and hope" with me, which usually sounds like "I did this, and got this result (usually not too favorable) but when I tried this, I got this result" then allow me to go touch the hot stove anyway....and try not to laugh too hard when I come back and say "hey, that stove HURT man!!!"
I can't convey what a valuable resource you have available to you should you decide to avail yourself of it.
and it's free.
Did I mention it's free?
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
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hey Squirrel,
exellent that you kept the appointment and are looking into therapy. I get scared when I hide something, lying on purpose feels very uncomfortable to me, I'm sure that everyone can see it on my face, like a big stamp LOL. That's one of the things I am looking forward to when I don't live with H: not having to hide anything (and the stuff I hide is reading co-dependant no more, coming on this site because I don't want a confrontation etc, we're not talking anything actually bad).
I have yet to tell my family that we will be living separatly. My Mother is still full of drama about my brother's week long sparation from his SO.
Ago makes a great point: one that I hadn't thought of "out loud", I can't expect my parents to support me in relationship choices, given what they taught me. Thank you.
as for the outlaws: I know mine love me, but he is their son and no matter what their feelings about me they understandably don't want him hurt. Blood will be thicker than water in their case, and I have learned not to critisise him at all to them, not even when they are, just to keep solidly silent. MIL has already told me that she thinks that getting him to drink less is my responsibility, (YAY!!) and she has been battling her husband's drinking for 30-odd years. I will not be surprised if I become the villain in this piece pretty quickly.
but so be it.
way to go Squirrel think I might book an appointment too!
exellent that you kept the appointment and are looking into therapy. I get scared when I hide something, lying on purpose feels very uncomfortable to me, I'm sure that everyone can see it on my face, like a big stamp LOL. That's one of the things I am looking forward to when I don't live with H: not having to hide anything (and the stuff I hide is reading co-dependant no more, coming on this site because I don't want a confrontation etc, we're not talking anything actually bad).
I have yet to tell my family that we will be living separatly. My Mother is still full of drama about my brother's week long sparation from his SO.
Ago makes a great point: one that I hadn't thought of "out loud", I can't expect my parents to support me in relationship choices, given what they taught me. Thank you.
as for the outlaws: I know mine love me, but he is their son and no matter what their feelings about me they understandably don't want him hurt. Blood will be thicker than water in their case, and I have learned not to critisise him at all to them, not even when they are, just to keep solidly silent. MIL has already told me that she thinks that getting him to drink less is my responsibility, (YAY!!) and she has been battling her husband's drinking for 30-odd years. I will not be surprised if I become the villain in this piece pretty quickly.
but so be it.
way to go Squirrel think I might book an appointment too!
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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So, just to clarify, when I mentioned my SIL, I was referring to MY brother's wife. I have not told anyone else, no one on his side of the family. I am very close with his mother and I feel I have her complete support but seeing a lawyer may not be something she wants to hear and she may not be so understanding about that. She has told me that I should get some counseling because she is aware of some of the things that have occurred. She doesn't know of even half of the binges he has been on in the last year.
As far as my family goes, I grew up in a happy, healthy environment. My parents are still together today and have been married for 38 years. I think my mom's issue is that she just doesn't want me to go through a divorce, especially with 4 kids. She doesn't understand how difficult these alcohol binges are. Just because he hasn't drank for 9 days doesn't erase everything. Now that we have gotten through the last binge a week and a half ago, I find that I am bracing myself for the next one.
When I mentioned I was upset, it is simply because I am doing something behind AH's back. I am a very truthful, honest, open person and it is hard for me not to tell him. I keep telling myself that I have nothing to gain by telling him other than another tantrum from him and yet I just want to be honest. My biggest sins are coming on this website, researching alcoholism and speaking to a lawyer. I don't know why I am so hard on myself.
As far as my family goes, I grew up in a happy, healthy environment. My parents are still together today and have been married for 38 years. I think my mom's issue is that she just doesn't want me to go through a divorce, especially with 4 kids. She doesn't understand how difficult these alcohol binges are. Just because he hasn't drank for 9 days doesn't erase everything. Now that we have gotten through the last binge a week and a half ago, I find that I am bracing myself for the next one.
When I mentioned I was upset, it is simply because I am doing something behind AH's back. I am a very truthful, honest, open person and it is hard for me not to tell him. I keep telling myself that I have nothing to gain by telling him other than another tantrum from him and yet I just want to be honest. My biggest sins are coming on this website, researching alcoholism and speaking to a lawyer. I don't know why I am so hard on myself.
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sillysquirrel, this was a hard and important step for you, kudos for following through! That alone shows your strength. Just like I hear those here saying actions not words regarding our A's, same goes for us, I think. Your actions are speaking loudly and in your favour!
I know that 'crawling in your skin' feeling! But know it has nothing to do with him or how often he lies, that you should somehow feel better about it. You are the bigger person if despite his lies, you still want to be truthful to yourself and to others. It's a good thing.
For me, and may be different for you, it comes from my childhood. My father ruled the house through fear and my mother ruled us by the fear of our father. So now, when I feel like I'm 'breaking away' or speaking up or doing something for myself, I get this huge butterfly in the stomach, heart pounding feeling. I get it sometimes even in anticipation of something where I fear I will offend another person.
I know that 'crawling in your skin' feeling! But know it has nothing to do with him or how often he lies, that you should somehow feel better about it. You are the bigger person if despite his lies, you still want to be truthful to yourself and to others. It's a good thing.
For me, and may be different for you, it comes from my childhood. My father ruled the house through fear and my mother ruled us by the fear of our father. So now, when I feel like I'm 'breaking away' or speaking up or doing something for myself, I get this huge butterfly in the stomach, heart pounding feeling. I get it sometimes even in anticipation of something where I fear I will offend another person.
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My mom and SIL both seemed shocked that I kept the appointment. He has gone 9 days without drinking so even they think things should be back to normal. What is normal??
Good job researching your options with a lawyer.
Do you plan to seperate first or just get a divorce? everyone does it differently
I found it very helpful (in the beginning of my recovery) to learn all I could about the disease.
I ordered a bunch of books off of Amazon and had them delivered to the house and even had them charged to AH and I's joint CC. It was a way for me to say....I am going to start healing now.
You could try al-anon. You don't even have to wait for an apptmnt. you could find a meeting tomorrow
Also, I know the Luthern Social Services have counceling available on a sliding scale and you do not need to be of that religion to use them.
You could also check with your EAP (employee assistance program through your work) they sometimes have a set # of sessions for free.
Congrats on taking this big step!
ETA: here are some links to the books I found helpful:
Amazon.com: marriage on the rocks learning to live with yourself and an alcoholic: Books
Amazon.com: getting them sober: Books
They are super easy reads...you can take them a page or two at a time
Very insightful :ghug2
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sillysquirrel.....you are doing an amazing job of taking care of you! Don't lose your momentum, and don't ever question your sanity or your motives. You are the only one that knows the truth of your existence!
Someone mentioned journaling, I also have found that it is effective in being able to look back at all of the drama I no longer am willing to engage in. I was happy to hear it could be a useful tool for an attorney.
Someone mentioned journaling, I also have found that it is effective in being able to look back at all of the drama I no longer am willing to engage in. I was happy to hear it could be a useful tool for an attorney.
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