She's in rehab

Old 02-11-2009, 01:47 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 37
She's in rehab

15 months after 5 days in detox, 8 months of relapse, many months of counseling, and many threats of me leaving, my alcoholic wife finally consented to enter a residential treatment facility. I dropped her off on Monday. She was shaking so badly from withdrawal when we arrived at the facility, they had to put her in a wheelchair because she couldn't walk. Right now, she is undergoing detox and then a therapy/counseling and treatment. In 28 days she will be back. In the meatime, I have 28 days of not worrying about what that sound was, was that her falling down again? 28 days of "relaxing". What is going to happen after the 28 days???I have 28 days to figure it out. Should I leave the house as she left it? Should I let her deal with the mess that she made? Or should I clean it and bring it back the way it used to be? Some of it is so bad, that I need to clean it for my own sake. Maybe I'll leave some of it for her, like the mess she made of her laundry/clothes/closets. 28 days to figure it out!
spikedaball is offline  
Old 02-11-2009, 03:22 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
 
laurie6781's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Should I leave the house as she left it? Should I let her deal with the mess that she made? Or should I clean it and bring it back the way it used to be? Some of it is so bad, that I need to clean it for my own sake. Maybe I'll leave some of it for her, like the mess she made of her laundry/clothes/closets. 28 days to figure it out!
First, 28 days is just the TIP OF THE ICE BERG. For her sake, I hope she is 1) serious about wanting recovery and 2) if she is that she looks into a Sober Living Home.

After 28 days you will have a human body with nerves that are TOTALLY ON EDGE, with a head full of MUSH and FOG.

As to what you do. Anvil said it real well. Find some AlAnon meetings in your area, start attending, start working on you, to figure out what YOU want out of life, what YOUR BOUNDARIES are, what you will live with and what you won't.

Oh, and not to burst your bubble, honest, but she may not stay the 28 days. She may decide she is 'all better' after a week or two. Alcoholics are not predictable as you already know, and it does carry over into recovery.

I think by the time I reached my First Anniversary I was finally making some sense, once in a while when I opened my mouth to speak.

So, please read all the 'stickys.' Check out other posts, and please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,
laurie6781 is offline  
Old 02-11-2009, 03:35 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
My A is in recovery and has been for two years. If I could get in a time machine and go back to myself when he got back into AA and started working the steps I would encourage myself to seek help for me.

I didn't then. I thought I was ok. I thought he was the only one with the problem. It has taken a year of me shutting down my emotions and getting to MY rock bottom to realise I needed recovery too.

Best wishes..x
tallulah is offline  
Old 02-12-2009, 05:18 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Atlanta suburbs
Posts: 33
HI Spiked. I was exactly where you are, a bit over two years ago. Wife finally agreed to go to a 28 day inpatient rehab facility. I thought all would be well from that point on....

Well she stayed for the 28 days but drank again within 72 hours of coming home. So that part of the story certainly did not play out the way I had hoped.

More importantly, while she was gone I started to go to Alanon meetings and I also got some personal counseling. I did not continue with the personal therapist but I have become a very grateful member of Alanon and have religiously attended meetings. It has been a lifesaver for me.

I guess what I am suggesting is that you use this time to begin to heal yourself, get help for yourself. You've got a long journey ahead of yourself and we cannot be sure where that journey leads. But I was able to use the time my wife was away to establish a foundation of recovery for me that was critical, especially given that my wife did not continue her recovery and is not in any kind of program now.

Oh and I would do the laundry.... but that's just me.

Larry
LarryATL is offline  
Old 02-12-2009, 05:24 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: England
Posts: 27
When my AW decided she wanted rehab last year, we could not find a place to take her!! Happly since then there have been no further incidents but I was shocked at how hard it was to find a place when she really wanted top help herself.

As for the house, clean it up. Don't let her walk back into a mess as it may make her feel bad about herself. You will want her to see the reality of what it is like to live with her but this is the start of something new. Show her there is something worth fighting for and don't forget - live how you want to live.

Nic

Last edited by NicTKD; 02-12-2009 at 05:24 AM. Reason: Typo
NicTKD is offline  
Old 02-12-2009, 11:39 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
I would clean up and put the house in a condition that allows me to thoroughly enjoy my time alone. Not only does her mess remind you of all the stress with her, it is also bad energy. I feel my best when my place is clean and feels "fresh."
Kimmieh is offline  
Old 02-12-2009, 02:00 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
GiveLove's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Spiked......got a digital camera?

I'd take some pictures of the before and after. Then put them away in a drawer somewhere in case you ever need them.

Then do whatever it takes to create a home that you feel absolutely great about living in. YOU. All about you.

Take care of yourself
GiveLove is offline  
Old 02-12-2009, 04:25 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 37
Thanks for all the replies and great suggestions.!!
I guess I'm just frustrated/aggravated by it all. I went to an AlAnon meeting today. Their topic of discussion today dealt with isolating yourself from the alcoholic. They talked about being there to let the alcoholic know your care about them but yet still keeping your distance and living your own life. I guess that's what you all are saying. Use the time I have now to get back to the type of life that I (we) had before. THe meeting also left me depressed. Several members talked about how their loved alcoholic have been to rehab, sometimes more than once, and yet the alcoholic went back to their drinking ways, just like LarryAtl stated about his situation. It's depressing! Well, I guess I better get busy....there's laundry to do!!
spikedaball is offline  
Old 02-12-2009, 06:41 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
GiveLove's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Spiked,

What are five things you are crazy about doing? They can't involve your AW, that's the only catch.

Five things that you do for yourself, things you're just nuts over. Don't think. Just jot 'em down.

I'll start: watching spaghetti westerns with a bowl of buttered popcorn, grilling amazing hamburgers, playing racquetball, throwing the ball for my dog, running in the woods

What about you? Give it a try. I'm curious
GiveLove is offline  
Old 02-12-2009, 09:38 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Linkmeister's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
This will be my first post since I joined SR about a month ago, just before my ABF went into rehab. Around the same time, I went to my first Al-Anon meeting and that was the best choice I made. We live a fair distance from each other and he is in rehab near where he lives. He was supposed to go about 6 weeks ago but relapsed just before he was due to go. He made it and has been there for 2 weeks now.

The time leading up to his going to rehab was pretty stressful for me as I alternated between looking after myself and worrying about another relapse. Once he made it, it felt like a giant weight of worry and fear was lifted off of my shoulders as I knew he was safe there and had that feeling of relaxing and doing things that not only needed to be done, but things I wanted to do but had neglected during the course of our relationship. I'm planning a move out to be with him once he gets out of rehab -that's been due to a couple of factors keeping me from doing this-one being the weather, the other being that I wanted to wait till rehab was over, to see how he reacted to it - to be honest, to see if he made it through, as he expressed many reservations to me about the place he was going.

He's halfway through rehab and in our daily calls, I have come to realize that my recovery is part of this process as well. It is about him, but it is also about me - the way I tried to control his drinking, the way I reacted to it. It's not an easy thing to do to accept that you can't control, nor did cause, nor can you cure their drinking, but my Al-Anon group has helped me see this. He is also finally realizing that he is not the only one in recovery, I am as well as he was pretty upset I went to Al-Anon, thinking I didn't need it. Now, he sees me not only going to my group and following the steps, but accepting that he has a disease. Both of us have had to face some hard truths about ourselves and the process is ongoing.

I felt the same way as you did, spikedaball-that it would be 28 worry free days but halfway through, I'm seeing that I have to look at things a different way-that he has confronted a lot about his past and is looking to our future but it is an ongoing journey for both of us. Each and every day while I am doing the routine and mundane things, different truths hit me as I read Al-Anon literature, books, this forum and listen to others in Al-Anon chronicle their journeys.

It really is one day at a time - more than the days on a calendar. Some days, I take it an hour at a time as I accomplish or do something that before, would have been neglected as I wondered whether this would be the day he relapsed again. We have talked about it as much as we can given the time constraints of phone calls and both of us realize that once rehab is over, that's just the first step for both of us.

Together and apart through AA, Al-Anon and joint counseling once we are together, we are staring to understand that the journey we share together will not be easy, there will be good, bad days, the possibility of relapse is always there, that addictive thinking may cloud decisions and that by taking it one day at a time, there is hope.
Linkmeister is offline  
Old 02-13-2009, 05:34 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: England
Posts: 27
My advice is not to hoard "ammunition" for later use, what good will it do? Are you going to throw it in her face during the next arguement? If so I can guarantee it will not have the desired affect. She will not see the error of her ways, she will not be shocked at the mess she can make, she will just think you have calculated a way of making her feel bad. In the end it will just make things worse. Do you want to live with a secret? Start thinking about your life, YOU, what you actulally want. Stop living around the problem.
NicTKD is offline  
Old 02-13-2009, 12:46 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 37
G.L- listing 5 things that I love to do is easy!! But, as I'm sure everyone realizes the hard part is things that don't involve my wife.
It seems like everything I like to do she likes to do as well!. But, here's my list anyway...
movies...and grilling hamburger ....ABSOLUTELY!
Throwing a ball for the dogs, definitely!
Fishing and riding around town in my 84 cj with the top off would be the best! Unfortunately, the cj is sick and right now I can't afford to fix it.
I'm smiling to myself just thinking about grilling a burger and watching a good movie! Sounds like a plan for the weekend!

Linkmeister...you wrote
"Some days, I take it an hour at a time as I accomplish or do something "
I agree, this last week that's exactly what I did. I have a list of "haftas" that I've been taking care of.
spikedaball is offline  
Old 02-13-2009, 12:54 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Linkmeister's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
spikedaball-that hour at a time concept has really worked for me.

I'm in the process of selling my house and there's people coming to see it tonight. I'm proud of myself as I cleaned this place within an inch of its life just taking a break for a bite to eat.

As each hour passed, and things got done I realized all of the time I wasted before, consumed with worry and stress over ABF. Now, it's more time for me - time for a bath and a book. Previously, I'd be back and forth checking for messages or calls. The call will come later on and I have a journal of things that happened here and we talk about our days.

I wish you and your wife the best as you journey toward recovery.
Linkmeister is offline  
Old 02-13-2009, 12:59 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
GiveLove's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Part of my pain when I first "got healthy" around alcoholism was that I had completely forgotten the things that --I-- loved, things that --I-- was nuts over.....everything was intertwined with what my A wanted, needed, would do, wouldn't do, approved of, didn't approve of........if it didn't involve their drama, I'd forgotten about it. It's like I'd become an extension of them.

So that's why I asked.

I like to put a little splash of worcestershire sauce in my burgers, and a half-packet of one of those dry onion soup mixes. Really spectacular

Goes well with "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly".

Be thinking what else you can do for you-and-only-you this weekend, spiked. Getting solid in your own shoes right now is more important than you may think.

Riding around with the top down in a CJ would be great if it weren't twenty-six degrees here! LOL Aw heck, even if it was. That's what coats and blankets are for.....
GiveLove is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:48 AM.