jaguarpcb

I'm starting to realize that I've almost completely lost my autonomy. I don't know when or why.....my husband has never been possessive or behaved in a way that would indicate that he wants me to be so dependent on him. But for a long time now, if he drinks I drink, if he smokes pot I smoke pot, if he wants to play a video game I play with him, if he wants to watch a movie I watch with him. Some of it is space....it's not a huge apartment, if he's watching a movie there just isn't really anyplace for me to go where I'm not at least listening to it. Some of it is....I don't know....I think maybe if it was "we're having a few drinks and having a good time" or "we are getting drunk and playing video games" or "we are getting high and watching stupid comedies" then I didn't have to admit that he has a problem. And I'll admit, some of it is just that I like a good buzz sometimes....but I don't miss it now, which I'm kind of surprised at. I expected to miss it.

When he quit pot, I quit pot. When he quit liquor, I quit liquor. Now that he's quit beer and wine I have too really. I haven't had a single drink since just a couple days after he quit. But I fought against him quitting every step of the way.....I thought I was fighting against it cuz I didn't want to give up my own fun. Now I'm beginning to think I was fighting it cuz I didn't want to admit that he had to quit, that he never did have the same control that I do, that he really does have a problem......that I chose and put up with and stayed with someone who has a problem. That I let my own bonderies be pushed and pushed and pushed. That I'm not the strong, self assured, independent woman I thought I was.

UGH! Removing the layers of denial really sucks sometimes.

CatsnDogs4Me

I could easily have written the same post as you did. I drank with my AH so many times - even after I moved out & told him he had a drinking problem - like you, I was still in denial about his problem. Like you, I thought I'd go along b/c I wanted to have fun, too. I pretended we could go out & have fun & have a few drinks like we used to before his problem progressed. Looking back, though, I see how in the past few years, it wasn't fun when we went out. He'd get really blasted, slurring & often argumentative or emotional, and I'd end up sleeping in a separate room b/c he snored & yelled in his sleep after a night out. Not so fun after all ... After living on my own, I realize I have a better time just hanging out at home with my pets or going out with a friend for lunch or pedicures or even a night out - with or without alcohol - and without having to close down the bar. And, I've realized, too, how much I drank with him & how I'm happier & healthier now just having a couple of drinks at home or when I go out, if I'm so inclined.

You are strong, self-assured, and independent - just being here shows that you're looking for help for yourself, which requires a lot of strength. Hang in there & don't beat yourself up too much. This is a long learning process for all of us.

jaguarpcb

Thanks!

It's been kinda painful recognizing all this weakness in me. I thought I was soooooo together. It's been something I've been slowly working through since some time last summer when I started therapy to deal with anxiety attacks I was having. Now I don't know if we really figured out what the root of those attacks was, or if they were a symptom of denying my codependency and my husband's alcoholism.

In general I'm OK, feeling good, enjoying the process of figuring all this out, excited for the future, etc. But it's strange to look in the mirror and realize that the person looking back is not who I thought she was. It's not all bad, just new.

I need to work on forgiving my self for it though. I just keep thinking how stupid it all is that I got to this point.....my husband isn't at all the type who would ever want me to get this lost for his sake.....if you're gonna lose yourself for someone else's sake, shouldn't you do it for someone who would want that? I know that's silly, but it's what's going through my head.

But you're absolutely right, this is not a quick process, it's going to take time. I have to keep looking back to last summer and how completely freaked out I was, and see the progress since then to know that this too will get better with time.