escape artist

tallulah. I am glad you are going to al-anon. I am very happy for you that your mate is working to be sober. How I wish I could one day be with my mate and have him sober. I think though that maybe he would not even be who i think he is. and he may not even like me. it helps to remember though that beneath every alcoholic is a codependent issue!! the push me pull me that he does sounds familiar-and that is what lots of us acoa's know well from our parents! maybe that is an underlying issue which he would benefit working through when he does the steps. but i just want you to know how envious i am that yours is at least cognizant that he had to stop drinking. Al-anon will definetly give you the tools you need to cope with him. Help you find serenity and maybe even the love you had before? good luck. take care.

GiveLove

I look around here and see all these people trying so hard to do right by themselves, and it's enough to make me cry. Not sure if it's sorrow, or joy, or awe, or what (probably e. all of the above ) , but just thought I'd share that.

We can do this.

tallulah

escape artist :ghug3

It must seem reading my posts that I have little to complain about. I know in some ways I'm lucky. He's not drinking and is in support so that is a blessing. To some that would be such a gift. I'm sure if I were reading this as a partner of an active alcoholic I would probably be wondering what I have to complain about. I understand what you are saying.

I suppose what I am grumbling about is me. I always thought of myself as a fairly grounded person, emotionally intelligent, strong and capable. But when faced with loving an alcoholic (wet or dry) I have had to admit to myself that I just don't have the understanding or the tools. I have to learn and know that no amount of pleading, hoping, or wishing, or praying can stop him picking up a drink, or facing his demons, or addressing the issues which are there inside him.

What I did (a year ago) when I recognised what looked like a 'behaviour' which had caused me pain in the past was shut down. I built a castle wall around myself for protection and pulled up the drawbridge. Before I knew it I was firmly shut away in there, all safe and blinkered. I carried on existing in my life and my relationship but not living. I detached completely. Slowly but surely that started to spill over into my life beyond my relationship with my A. I'd become a shell of me.

My A and I had a brief conversation about this last night. We discussed the incident/behaviour and he explained his view of it and I explained mine. He explained how he dealt with it and I explained what I did to deal. He then told me that he hasn't done anything to hurt me for the past year and when I have exhibited behaviours which have resulted in the past in him becoming unreasonable, angry, thoughtless etc. he has still felt but acted differently.

I didn't even notice.

I don't know what the future holds or what to do as regards the relationship with my A. I do know that this is the start of my recovery... one day at a time.

Thank you for your words of support escape artist. They mean alot. And know that you are in my thoughts too.