sillysquirrel

So, my cycle here continues on. My AH has not drank for 8 days. He thinks all is well, everything is fine except my negative outlook on life. There will be another binge but probably not until next week since the last one (the weekend before last) was pretty brutal and harmful to me and the kids. You can see my prior threads for some background info.

I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow and plan to keep it. I have some feelings of guilt over this because he doesn't know about it and also (I know this sounds ridiculous) because we are not fresh off of a drinking binge.

Here is my question today...Should I get some counseling for myself? I am a well-educated, intelligent woman. I am a good mother to my 4 children (ages 2-9). I hold down my own business, have friends, have a nice home, have a great family and am basically happy with all aspects of my life, except my AH and my marriage. I feel that he takes advantage of my giving nature and in some ways it enables him to drink. I have alot of anger towards him and have not even entered our bedroom since the end of October. He doesn't understand my anger towards him since he hasn't drank for 8 days! He says if we could just be intimate once in awhile (not his words, I have reworded) and if I could quit holding grudges our marriage would be fine. I am beginning to wonder if I even love him anymore (at least the way you should love your husband). He has lied and disappeared and just flat out disregarded my feelings soooo many times that I am just to a point where I don't know if I even want try anymore. A year or two ago my thoughts were that we needed marriage counseling. But, now I am thinking maybe I need counseling, as much as I hate to admit it. BTW, he does not admit he is an alcoholic, that is the label I have given him.

Any thoughts?

How much does it cost?

silkspin

Hi sillysquirrel, I don't know how much therapy costs, but it's a good thing if it helps you work through your feelings. I just wanted to chime in that I know the feeling that comes with a bout of non-drinking. My AH drank mostly on weekends, so a few days after the weekend when all was normal - work, dinner, baby, bed, etc, I'd get a feeling like all was normal, and what was I making a big deal about? Feel a bit the same way now - he hasn't drank in over a month, and every now and then I have this "we're all magically cured, everything is ok" type of feeling. I need to remember that we are in separate bedrooms for a reason, the intimacy is gone, and I have the same ambivalent feelings of love for him because of past hurts.

BeyondBSC

I recommend counseling of some kind…In retrospect I realized what a strain my breakup was for all involved, my friends, family and children. It is like a death in a lot of ways. My mother, who is my best friend, told me recently how difficult it was to see me go thought the struggles of ending my relationship of 17 years. She was sad for me and the boys. My children have had to grieve their loss, and learn to feel confident in their own choices that they are making about their relationship with their dad.
As far as resources, listen for “free programs”. Where I live in Pittsburgh, we have major hospitals; they have pilot programs all the time. My sons were in a teens at risk program, with interns…it was WONDERFUL! I myself contacted my Employee Assistance Program. I received some counseling for free. I have also gone to groups for anger management that helped so much.

Ago

If cost is an issue why not try Alanon meetings?

I found that being around others who are going through/ have gone through what I am going through, just not being "alone", and getting some validation was a HUGE help to helping me process my feelings and emotions.

I can't convey how helpful it was...I really can't.

Also having others in my life with some "recovery" helps me keep the focus on myself, where it belongs, and these folks actually give me "nuts and bolts" of how to "feel better".

I can't tell you how many times I have gone to a meeting ready to sort out my gun collection by barrel flavor and left laughing so hard I had tears running down my face and my sides hurt. (I don't own a gun, that's metaphorical)

I go to meetings because I like them, because I can get out of my head, and I walk away feeling better, truly, I can't convey how important it is to not be "alone" with all this stuff in my head.

I found therapy helpful (more helpful) a little later on, after I had worked the steps, the therapist had a lot less denial to break through, and every time I have gone to therapy the therapist has expressed incredible relief I had already done the steps and stated how much more effective our sessions were because she didn't have to "break me down" first, that I was ready to listen to some solution and hear the "hard truths" about myself.

Anyhow, thats what worked for me, meetings first, then a sponsor, then the steps, then therapy, I walk away empowered and refreshed after every meeting.

Chrysalis123

Throughout my unhealthy marriage I developed coping strategies, and I did not realize that was what I was doing. For instance, my acceptance of unacceptable behavior was out of whack. I accepted behaviors that healthy people would run from. If I took care of myself instead of accepting the unhealthy behavior I felt tremendous, paralyzing guilt. I am ashamed to say I allowed my guilt to stop me from protecting my children on several occassions.

Counseling helped me to begin to see all that. It was hard for me to even set up the appointment and terrifying to go. But, I am so glad I did.

Chrysalis123

I agree with Ago. Alanon combined with therapy has been a powerful recovery tool for me.

Barbara52

Yup, try therapy. Find out what your health insurance pays, who accepts that insurance and go for it. Therapy helped me immensely.

GiveLove

Counseling has been the single most helpful thing I've done in my life on my journey toward happiness. Helping to understand myself, to identify my joys and fears and innate behaviors, to chart a course for a great life for me and my family.......I would not trade the time I've put into it for all the money in the world.

Do you have health insurance? Mine covers therapy, but I wanted to go to a guy who doesn't accept health insurance, and he had a sliding scale to compensate for that and for my income at the time.

blessed4x

Don't let yourself fall into the trap of thinking that codependency (like all addictions) does not cross the barriers of education, income level, and social status. I have 2 college degrees, 4 of the most awesome kids on the planet, a nice home and supportive friends and family. None of that really matters when my head is constantly filled with worry about what's going on in the life of my AH. Until I take care of myself, there is nothing or no one that will make my situation any different than what it is. You do sound like such a wise woman, and have been amazingly strong thus far.....just didn't want to see you question what it sounds like you knw in your gut.

So yes, I think counseling is a fabulous idea, and I have to chime in on the benefits oif Alanon, too.

CatsnDogs4Me

I just have to echo everyone else's comments & chime in & recommend both therapy & Al-Anon. I used my insurance to cover my counseling sessions, so I just have a manageable co-pay for each visit. I never thought I'd need therapy or Al-Anon either. I am college-educated with a good job & lots of friends & family for support. Making the 1st call to the therapist was terrifying for me. My hands & voice were shaking as I called. Going to my first Al-Anon meeting also generated fear, anxiety and anger. But, once I got past those feelings, I realized how much help and support I was getting. I'm a much better, healthier person for having taken advantage of those resources & continue to do so to further improve my well-being.

Pelican

Hi SS!

I can relate to your inner turmoil! A few days pass and everyone seems to be behaving themselves! I realized I was living in fear of the next episode of overindulgence. I was also living in fear of the emotional outbursts that come from an active A that is trying to cut back and their body is screaming for more liquid energy. The A will lash out verbally at the nearest victim. I am posting in this to help you, myself and others. To remember that the good days are not truly good when you are living on edge, trying to anticipate the next fire and dig the trenches to prevent a major fallout. It is exhausting!

I went to my first alanon meeting last night. A friend who is in AA gave me some brochures that are published for AA and alanon. When I read those and knew that they could have been written by someone observing my own life, I realized that alanon would at least get me in touch with others in my community that have similar experiences.

I do not have health insurance. I have considered counseling, but without insurance, I have not pursued it. I appreciate the post about empoyers assistance programs from BeyondBSC, as my employer just began a program this month. I am eligible to receive 4 free sessions. I need to check into that for myself.

Hugs to you!

JustMeInWI

(((hugs))) Like you, in all other areas of my life (professional career, etc), I am happy with my life, who I am. It was just in this relationship and with my AH that I was miserable and falling apart.

For me, seeing a counselor/therapist (especially one who's experienced in dealing with marriage/addiction issues combined) has helped me SO much. I think the biggest most helpful part of counseling for me was saying what was happening, how I felt about it, and having another grown adult VALIDATE my thoughts and feelings. My AH is INCREDIBLY good at telling me I'm making something out of nothing, being ridiculous, or causing all the problems in our marriage. Hearing my therapist tell me that I am NOT ridiculous or a problem-causer helped me LOVE and RESPECT myself so much more through everything. It gave me strength, hope, and joy I hadn't had before.

Seeing a counselor/therapist should not be viewed negatively. I think it shows a real mature appreciation for yourself that you do NOT have all the answers and that getting another viewpoint on your life helps you grow and learn so much more. Good luck to you on this endeavor (((hugs)))

sillysquirrel

Thank you to everyone. For some reason, I didn't even think about insurance. Yes, we have insurance so I guess the next step is for me to check and see what kind of coverage we have for that. I can afford to pay some for it but just don't want to break the bank with counseling sessions. My MIL told me I should get some counseling back in November and I thought she was crazy, but the more I think about it the more I think I could really benefit from it. I somehow need to learn to break away from my AH's ways of controlling me (although he claims I am the controlling one). He doesn't get how his behavior controls me.

silkspin

After a family function where my AH was drunk and I lost it in front of family members, my sister told me to get help, to try Al Anon. It took 2 more years before I walked through the door. Sounds like you're ready for this next step, good luck!

Daisy30

I was exactly this way while planning to seperate.....It was insane.... I had too look in AH's usual hiding places for alcohol(something I had stopped doing) to remind myself why I was leaving ((()))

Remember....being sober for 8 days does not = recovery

In addition to going to counceling and Al-anon I also found it helpful to read all I could about the disease. There are many great books in the classic reading sticky check them out...buy a few...read them over and over

doing all of these things really helped me understand my anger. What anger really is. To me it is when I am trying to fight excepting something....so when ever I am angry I have to ask myself what am I NOT excepting abouthis situation.

I just wanted to add that I didn't even know how sick I was until I started to get better.

((()))