I need some help getting through this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: austin, tx
Posts: 3
I need some help getting through this.
Two years ago, I broke off a two year relationship with someone I loved very much. He had a horrible alcohol problem and I believed every declaration of "I will change/get help/do better." He couldn't. He was sick. We broke up. It was painful, but I had to look out for myself. I didn't know about Al-Anon at the time. I didn't think that I had been affected. I mean, I felt that since I hadn't married him and we didn't have children then I was unscathed. No ties, no scars. What I didn't know was that I was hurt. I was deeply affected by his drinking (and who he became when he was drunk.)
I chose to do the only thing I knew how to do--- bury all feelings of hurt and shame and anger in that box in the back of your memory called "Don't open, EVER!" I did a really good job, too. I spent the next two years pushing all the hurt down. I became dedicated to school, then my job and volunteering. I am beyond busy. I haven't really dated in the time between now and when we broke up because I was filling all parts of my life with doing things. I think so I wouldn't have to face the little bits of anger and hurt that kept popping up unexpectedly.
On this past Sunday, he called me. Without a word from him for two years, he called to tell me that he was in AA. He was going through Step 9 (the "make amends" step). When we talked I went right into my former self; the encourage-and-think-only-of-him-and-be-happy-that-he's-getting-better self. The Self that usually neglects her real feelings. We've been e-mailing and having conversations and he wants to "hang-out." My first reaction was to say okay. I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
But today that box burst. All the feelings of shame and hurt and anger flooded out. I started crying at the office and didn't really know completely why. All I wanted to do was tell him how angry I was. That no amount of I'm-sorrys could make up for how he had lied and called me ugly things when he was drunk. How he was sometimes very mean and harsh. Or how guilty I felt for making excuses for his behavior to myself and for staying so long with him. I wanted to yell and scream in his face, to say "How dare you come back and tell me that NOW you're sorry. You hurt me. F-you and your recovery!"
I didn't say that, of course. I don't really know if what I'm feeling is ok. I just want it to be understood by others who may have walked or are walking in my shoes.
Even though he and I not a couple and we're not really friends anymore, am I still able to come to Al-Anon? Will someone understand how I feel?
I chose to do the only thing I knew how to do--- bury all feelings of hurt and shame and anger in that box in the back of your memory called "Don't open, EVER!" I did a really good job, too. I spent the next two years pushing all the hurt down. I became dedicated to school, then my job and volunteering. I am beyond busy. I haven't really dated in the time between now and when we broke up because I was filling all parts of my life with doing things. I think so I wouldn't have to face the little bits of anger and hurt that kept popping up unexpectedly.
On this past Sunday, he called me. Without a word from him for two years, he called to tell me that he was in AA. He was going through Step 9 (the "make amends" step). When we talked I went right into my former self; the encourage-and-think-only-of-him-and-be-happy-that-he's-getting-better self. The Self that usually neglects her real feelings. We've been e-mailing and having conversations and he wants to "hang-out." My first reaction was to say okay. I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
But today that box burst. All the feelings of shame and hurt and anger flooded out. I started crying at the office and didn't really know completely why. All I wanted to do was tell him how angry I was. That no amount of I'm-sorrys could make up for how he had lied and called me ugly things when he was drunk. How he was sometimes very mean and harsh. Or how guilty I felt for making excuses for his behavior to myself and for staying so long with him. I wanted to yell and scream in his face, to say "How dare you come back and tell me that NOW you're sorry. You hurt me. F-you and your recovery!"
I didn't say that, of course. I don't really know if what I'm feeling is ok. I just want it to be understood by others who may have walked or are walking in my shoes.
Even though he and I not a couple and we're not really friends anymore, am I still able to come to Al-Anon? Will someone understand how I feel?
Last edited by austexchica; 08-07-2003 at 07:32 PM.
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
((((austexchica)))
hey, feelings are never wrong, they are just how you
feel. You have a right to them, they are yours.
as for alanon, you have been effected by someone else's
drinking, many people show up there yrs after the alcoholic
is out of there life. Sometimes it was a parent or an x.
You will certainly be welcome !
hugs
liddy
hey, feelings are never wrong, they are just how you
feel. You have a right to them, they are yours.
as for alanon, you have been effected by someone else's
drinking, many people show up there yrs after the alcoholic
is out of there life. Sometimes it was a parent or an x.
You will certainly be welcome !
hugs
liddy
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
Yes, the boxed-up anger makes sense.
Not only try al-anon, but also check out books by Melody Beattie and Toby Rice Drews. Both authors really understand how insane it makes you feel being with an alcoholic. And both offer good advice on how to keep the alcoholic's manipulations and mind games from driving you up a wall.
Even though your A is recovered and is making ammends to you, I think the books will do you a lot of good. I re-read my copies every time I start to doubt my own judgement or those old hurts crop up again.
Even though your A is recovered and is making ammends to you, I think the books will do you a lot of good. I re-read my copies every time I start to doubt my own judgement or those old hurts crop up again.
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Hugs are coming your way...
Oh yes, dear, you are welcome in Al-Anon and at this site...Of course you were & are hurt...after all you are human...and it doesn't have to make sense to anyone but you...
Feelings just are.....and they change faster than the weather...the facts are that anyone who has loved/lived with the disease of alcolohism has been affected by it....
Take care of yourself and for you please do try Al-Anon and read the books and come here and let us know how you are doing...
Love and prayers from one who cares,
Oh yes, dear, you are welcome in Al-Anon and at this site...Of course you were & are hurt...after all you are human...and it doesn't have to make sense to anyone but you...
Feelings just are.....and they change faster than the weather...the facts are that anyone who has loved/lived with the disease of alcolohism has been affected by it....
Take care of yourself and for you please do try Al-Anon and read the books and come here and let us know how you are doing...
Love and prayers from one who cares,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
That damned box just never
seems to stay shut, no matter how hard you sit on it. It's like the overly-full suitcase. Eventually they both pop open and the contents spill out. And that can be overwhelming, but at least you are dealing with your feelings, instead of burying them in the back of your emotional closet. You certainly "qualify" for Alanon and any other forum that is for those who have been affected by the alcoholism of a loved one.
Peace,
Gabe
Peace,
Gabe
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: austin, tx
Posts: 3
I went to my first Al-Anon meeting today. Very unsure, but I had a friend who took me with her. I'm going again tomorrow. I felt for once that someone else understood.
No matter how close you are to your family and no matter how much they can empathize with you, they never really know because they haven't been there too.
I'm trying not to let myself believe that just because I went to ONE meeting and I feel better for sharing a bit of what is in my head that I don't have to go again. I'm going again tomorrow. If I wait until next Friday's meeting, I think it will be too late and I won't go.
I'm glad I found this board. Thanks to you all who posted. I know I'm not doing this by myself.
--G.
No matter how close you are to your family and no matter how much they can empathize with you, they never really know because they haven't been there too.
I'm trying not to let myself believe that just because I went to ONE meeting and I feel better for sharing a bit of what is in my head that I don't have to go again. I'm going again tomorrow. If I wait until next Friday's meeting, I think it will be too late and I won't go.
I'm glad I found this board. Thanks to you all who posted. I know I'm not doing this by myself.
--G.
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
You should be so proud of yourself.....You have taken your second step to recovery...The first one was in coming here....
You are never alone unless you choose to be.
Please keep posting and I'll keep looking for you here on this board...
Love and prayers from one who cares,
You are never alone unless you choose to be.
Please keep posting and I'll keep looking for you here on this board...
Love and prayers from one who cares,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: austin, tx
Posts: 3
This evening was meeting two. I think going to Al-Anon the second time was much harder than the first.
I'm finding a place where I just click and I'm willing to stick with this. I keep reminding myself to ask God for the ability to see recovery as a process. I think a lot of things stored away in the "boxes" in my heart are about to get cleaned out and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. But today, I was reading through the 12 Steps and #6 talks about being ready for God to "remove defects of character." Well, I just started and I'm still not sure about the steps or how you start, but I have this feeling that I'm in for one heck of a ride, if only I can hang on.
Thanks again, y'all. I'll keep posting.
--G
I'm finding a place where I just click and I'm willing to stick with this. I keep reminding myself to ask God for the ability to see recovery as a process. I think a lot of things stored away in the "boxes" in my heart are about to get cleaned out and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. But today, I was reading through the 12 Steps and #6 talks about being ready for God to "remove defects of character." Well, I just started and I'm still not sure about the steps or how you start, but I have this feeling that I'm in for one heck of a ride, if only I can hang on.
Thanks again, y'all. I'll keep posting.
--G
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 129
(((austexchica)))
Just because your ex called to make amends (step 9 of his program), doesn’t mean that YOU have to forgive him. In fact, part of their recovery program teaches them that not everyone will accept their amends, but it is part of HIS recovery and if he is working his program correctly, he will realize, understand, AND accept that not everyone is going to magically forgive him for his past behaviors and actions. My H is working his steps right now and he has actually talked to me some about how he thinks he is going to feel when he starts making amends. He’s caused a lot of pain to a lot of people/family as well and I don’t think it’s something that is easy for any A to do, but as my H has told me he knows that in order for him to forgive himself he must do this and he must also accept that not everyone is going to forgive him, but because of choices HE was making, these are the consequences he may face. You have every right to your feelings, and you definitely are able to come to Al-Anon, and I hope you keep going as well as keep attending face to face meetings. Hang in there, thanks for sharing and I believe a lot of us understand exactly where you’re coming from right now.
Just because your ex called to make amends (step 9 of his program), doesn’t mean that YOU have to forgive him. In fact, part of their recovery program teaches them that not everyone will accept their amends, but it is part of HIS recovery and if he is working his program correctly, he will realize, understand, AND accept that not everyone is going to magically forgive him for his past behaviors and actions. My H is working his steps right now and he has actually talked to me some about how he thinks he is going to feel when he starts making amends. He’s caused a lot of pain to a lot of people/family as well and I don’t think it’s something that is easy for any A to do, but as my H has told me he knows that in order for him to forgive himself he must do this and he must also accept that not everyone is going to forgive him, but because of choices HE was making, these are the consequences he may face. You have every right to your feelings, and you definitely are able to come to Al-Anon, and I hope you keep going as well as keep attending face to face meetings. Hang in there, thanks for sharing and I believe a lot of us understand exactly where you’re coming from right now.
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