mtr

Last week the police came to my residence very early morning looking for my AH. During my brief interaction with them the only thing they left me with was the call was made on him by his "girlfriend".

My AH still denies anything the police said the other night regarding the alleged girlfriend. He's fighting me tooth and nail, continuing to call me names, and now saying that I'm at fault for BELIEVING the police knowing that "they lie". Now what I don't get is what they have to gain by lying to me? Nothing as far as I'm concerned. But for him to lie and say that he didn't even know the person makes it worse.

Today we had a falling out regarding the police visit and I really think he's loosing his mind. Instead of telling the truth he flips the script and implies that when he called me at home from jail (a few weeks back) and I refused to pick him up the police were listening, so now they will say anything to turn me against him. :wtf2

His rationale is frightening. I guess I'm putting too much stock in him thinking that he would be truthful about the matter (or anything else), but I'm still educating myself about the disease. I shouldn't be surprised about anything at this point.

Freedom1990

There is nothing rational about the disease of alcoholism.

Is he still bringing up the incident with the police, or have you been bringing it up in the hopes he would be honest?

timetogo

My AH would do the same thing, making me feel like I was IRRATIONAL! Lies, over and over again to save his a**. Do you think he would own up to the "girlfriend" and whatever it was the police where looking for if he thought he could get away with it? Every time (and there have been a few) that my husband would be caught drinking and driving, he would somehow convince me that it "was the machine that was wrong" or that he "was just sitting in his car", not driving. I believed him over and over again because it was what I needed to hear and I wanted to trust him. I would also bring it up because I KNEW he was lying and I couldn't stand that I was being lied to like that (he was pulling the wool over my eyes), it's humiliating and crazy making. Did the police tell you why they were looking for him? If it feels like he is lying to you in your gut, he probably is

prodigal

When an A starts fighting with me to this degree, I leave the room. If I'm followed into another room, I leave the house. An A can only spew this lunacy as long as they have an audience.

Quit listening to him. Listening to insanity makes us insane when we hear enough of it.

keepwishing2

I can't stand the lies either, that seems to me to be the worst part, like he thinks I'm stupid. It's infuriating to me! I'm lucky my AH hasn't faced legal problems recently (only because he hasn't been caught), and it blows me away every time that after 20 years of knowing him, he still thinks I'm an idiot.

It struck me the other day as I screaming at him and asking him why he thinks he has the right to lie to me? He thinks he has the right because I've allowed him to lie to me! So of course he's gonna lie. It's absolute dysfunctional madness, and I allow it!

TC

mtr

He brought it up today because I was not receptive of his affection. He's been trying to worm his way back into my graces since the police came to my door. I guess I was suppose to accept that the police lied the other night and be "his wife", "have his back". I've been lukewarm and he's having a difficult time accepting that. So when I don't respond the way he wishes he turns ugly and dredges up anything negative about me that he can to try and make me come around to my senses.

timetogo

I found that my life has been much calmer since "I stopped allowing it". One of my (very new and certainly not perfected) boundaries has been to avoid the yelling and screaming. I reached a point that I realized, it's not productive. I find it is much more effective "to leave the room or the house". Easy to say! But I really had to look at what I was getting out of that behaviour. I couldn't figure anything out except higher blood pressure!! It is much more peaceful to not involve myself in his "quacking"

mtr

Time To Go,

I agree, the yelling and screaming has gotten me nothing but a sore throat. And if I keep it up that could elevate to health issues. Your suggestion is worth trying.

Thanks

Bernadette

So when I don't respond the way he wishes he turns ugly and dredges up anything negative about me that he can to try and make me come around to my senses.

mtr this sounds like a really lousy relationship with a really difficult and frightening active alcoholic.

What are you getting out of this relationship?

peace-
b

mtr

B,

Maybe your question was rhetorical, but I'll answer it anyway. I'm not getting anything out of the relationship. Each day brings a new challenge for me. It's like living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I'm tired and I have an appointment with a lawyer this month.

ItsmeAlice

I don't think my ABF can be rational. I have decided that he sees the world from inside his bottle and when he's swimming in beer his world appears even more distorted from inside there.

I've been treating him the way I've been taught to treat my goldfish over the years. I feed him, I keep his environment from getting too funky, I talk calmly and nicely to him, and I don't tap on the glass.

Yesterday, I asked him if he thought my horse horse should wear a blanket that night since it had gotten decidedly warm. He said yes and asked if I wanted him to remove it for me. I asked, "Can you do that?" (Since he had already fed the horses, and I didn't know if he was even still close by the farm.)

He became very agitated and snapped that he was perfectly capable of removing a horseblanket, blah, blah, blah.

I took a breath and calmly and nicely said "I didn't ask 'are you capable of it' I asked 'are you close by, are you able to do that for me'." Then I waited for a response. He said uh, yeah and hung up. He has actually been quite pleasant since that conversation. I really think he thought I was trying to imply he was an idiot, and I really think he sees bad in every conversation regardless of the subject.

Here fishy, fishy....

FormerDoormat

When it came to coping with my xAB's poor behavior, I found I had two choices: Leave the house every time he was behaving inappropriately or leave the relationship. I chose to end the relationship.

Ending the relationship may be far hardier and scarier than simply leaving the room or leaving the house when an A is behaving inappropriately, but that only solves the problem for the moment. The elephant is still in the room.

I wanted the elephant gone. I wish there was a smiley that holds a sign that says "No More Elephants" because I'd click on it now.

MissFixit

I asked my exabf of 4 yearas point blank about having another girlfriend, even calling her by a name I heard and was told that he didn't know her. I found out 2 1/2 months later that they had been dating for at least 3 and were engaged.

The judge was out to get him when she took his license away.

His ex-friends were out to get him because they were jealous of him when they discussed his DUIs, a boat accident and getting kicked out of his club for drunkeness.

His ex-wife was out to get him when she refused to sign the divorce papers (a year later I find out HE didn't sign as indicated and pay back expenses on their condo).

The latest is that it is MY fault that he cheated as I should have known that he would get lonely.

NOTHING was or is ever his fault. He admits NOTHING.

MeHandle

I had read the post where you told the story about the police telling you about a possible crime as related to a "girlfriend." I was going to post but i didn't. I will on this one though.

I have mentioned in other post i grew up with a heroin addict sister 14 years older. My other sister has been an police office and/or dispatcher most of here adult life. She is 12 years older.

Anyway, being familiar with the stories of the police profession and there experience of seeing things like this over and over again, they often try to "help" the spouse by giving them information that "may shake them up to see the light" as my sister would say. There is a good chance the police were not manipulating you to get you to talk to them but wanting to "help you" by informing you of something that you may not know. If i recall they told you when they were leaving.

If you wanted: If you called and directly asked they might give you all the information they were aloud to give you.

As Anvilhead said in regards to the possibility:'' do you really believe the police are just out to GET him? like they don't have better things to do then single out one person to pick on for NO reason????"

In an imperfect world anything is possible, but most likely they had a reason, a good reason to be at your door. The "girlfriend" information was given to enlighten you since you wouldn't come talk to them.

TakingCharge999

Placing the blame in others and demeaning others constantly has nothing to do with Reality and everything to do with trying to convince themselves the others are at fault.... as they know in some level the hard truth.

The only thing in common between one disaster and the next one is themselves.

I know this is true because it applies to me, the only difference is I am no longer in denial...

prodigal

I agree that leaving the room or the house is a temporary measure, at best. But during the interim, until a person can permanently remove themselves from the situation, it does work.

keepwishing2

I've been treating him the way I've been taught to treat my goldfish over the years. I feed him, I keep his environment from getting too funky, I talk calmly and nicely to him, and I don't tap on the glass.

Oh my goodness, that is tooooo funny! I'd laugh out of loud except I'll wake the snoring passed out drunk who is sitting beside me!

Thanks for the giggle !

mtr

You made me laugh and I really needed that.

Thank you very much,

mtr

mtr

"Anyway, being familiar with the stories of the police profession and there experience of seeing things like this over and over again, they often try to "help" the spouse by giving them information that "may shake them up to see the light" as my sister would say. There is a good chance the police were not manipulating you to get you to talk to them but wanting to "help you" by informing you of something that you may not know. If i recall they told you when they were leaving.

If you wanted: If you called and directly asked they might give you all the information they were aloud to give you."

MeHandle,

I appreciate the clarification on how the police works to "help" the spouse. I will follow up with them to see if they will give me information regarding that night. I was not surprised to hear them say "girlfriend" because it's not the first time there has been another women in the picture that he's denied having a relationship with. However, it was enlightening. There is a pattern of behavior that I need to be fully aware of.

Thanks

Ago

I may have misread her question, but it didn't strike me as rhetorical.

When I was going through a similar situation, and I was "parading" her behavior, trying to get people "on my side", showing how "irrational" and "crazy" she was being, thankfully, I had good friends both in the Program and on this forum that kept bringing the focus back on me.

It seems to me that if I have a problem, it's "my problem", whether it's with "their behavior" or my own. It has been proven to me beyond the shadow of a doubt that I can't change anyone else's behavior, and quite frankly have difficulty even changing my own.

Now it seems to me there is a process.

Recognizing "the problem"

Processing my feelings around "this problem"

Coming up with a "solution"

The solution seems to be pretty simple, no matter how complicated the problem.

Accept it, and the person for who and what they are, or:

Move on.

So when she asked, "What are you getting out of this relationship?" I think she was trying to facilitate "the processing" part to help you look ahead to "the solution", I don't believe there was anything rhetorical about the question. You are in a relationship with this person. so, What are you getting out of it? You are in this relationship so obviously there is something keeping you there.

You ask if it's possible for an alcoholic to be rational.

Isn't a better question "What rational person would stand for this behavior?"

In my experience, when I have been in Active Codependency, as much as active Alcoholism I wasn't being "rational" by any stretch of the imagination. I could "be restored to sanity" for my alcoholism by getting sober and working the steps, I actually found that the answer was exactly the same for recovering from my codependent behaviors. When I worked step two for my codependency there it was again, me being restored to sanity, it didn't say anything about the alcoholics in my life being restored to sanity, it said ME being restored to sanity.

That implied THEY weren't "the problem".

What steps are you taking -today- for your solution? Right now?

I also found, that however much I blamed and finger pointed at "them", "they" weren't "the problem", my inability to either accept them for who and what they were or change the situation was my problem.

As long as I "blamed" and "fingerpointed" and "sought allies" I could avoid the real problem, and the real questions, which were "what am I getting out of this relationship?" and "what am I going to do about it?" and "How am I going to change myself so I don't keep having to repeat this behavior and these relationships?"

Step one for me, as was stated earlier in this thread, was get the elephant out of the room, step two was "elephant proofing" my life.

I did that by working on me, changing me and my behaviors, now I just find behavior like that tedious and uninteresting, thus it isn't part of my life.

I found going to F2F meetings, getting a sponsor and a support group actually made the situation change, because it made me change.

Once I changed, so did my life.

I can act myself into right thinking, but I can't think myself into right acting.

Because "my thinker" is broken, otherwise I wouldn't have been in these relationships, so it behooved me to take the focus off of her and fix "my thinker"

Anyway, that's just what I found helpful, as long as I was trying to "get people on my side" and show how "crazy" she was, I remained stuck in the problem. Once I stared focusing on me, I started getting some solution.