To Divorce or Not to Divorce
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1
To Divorce or Not to Divorce
My AH and I have been married for over 15 years. I did not know he was an alcoholic when I married him, but about halfway into our marriage, the progressive nature of his disease caught up with him and turned what had been a wonderful marriage into a dismal abyss.
After several years, he eventually sought help and got sober in AA. He has been sober now for over 5 years. The first couple of years of his sobriety seemed wonderful. I felt as if I had the man I married back. However, as time has gone by, I have sensed him slipping back and becoming more detached from me and others.
He has continued to go regularly go to AA, but he has not worked with a sponsor despite my frequent pleadings. Sobriety for him has not been what I had hoped or expected. I have waited for him to find his place in this world, but am growing tired and worried I wil not find mine. He is such a wonderful man, but I am losing faith in being married to a man I do not think will be able to put me first.
After several years, he eventually sought help and got sober in AA. He has been sober now for over 5 years. The first couple of years of his sobriety seemed wonderful. I felt as if I had the man I married back. However, as time has gone by, I have sensed him slipping back and becoming more detached from me and others.
He has continued to go regularly go to AA, but he has not worked with a sponsor despite my frequent pleadings. Sobriety for him has not been what I had hoped or expected. I have waited for him to find his place in this world, but am growing tired and worried I wil not find mine. He is such a wonderful man, but I am losing faith in being married to a man I do not think will be able to put me first.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hugs to you, lonelyhart, and welcome.
I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. I know that, for myself, it was difficult to get several years into a committed relationship and find that -- for one reason or another -- my needs in the relationship were no longer being met. Here in this forum, we are experienced with alcoholism and so often blame the alcohol, or "dry drunk", for problems in our relationships, and we're usually right. But sometimes, it is just the nature of each individual's journey that's causing the problem. You don't explain the nature of his lack of "presence" in your marriage -- is he drinking currently?
And have you thought about talking to a personal counselor about this, to see if alcohol really is the villain? Could there be something else going on that could be talked through, so that both of you might (if you want) give this one more try before giving up? At least you will rule that out completely....and I say that as a person who really needs (for ME) to explore all of these avenues before I feel good taking any next steps.
For example, even in my current (healthy) marriage, it is a constant balancing act to make sure the both of us PUT OUR RELATIONSHIP FIRST, rather than him putting me first, or me putting him first. We are, after all, responsible for our OWN hopes and dreams, but in an ideal situation the marriage can be a great wellspring of energy and strength to help propel BOTH of us to the places we want to be. Counseling helped me to get all of that into perspective and make wiser choices for myself.
Whatever the situation, there is a lot of experience, strength, and hope to draw on here at SR, and I hope you'll stay with us.
I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. I know that, for myself, it was difficult to get several years into a committed relationship and find that -- for one reason or another -- my needs in the relationship were no longer being met. Here in this forum, we are experienced with alcoholism and so often blame the alcohol, or "dry drunk", for problems in our relationships, and we're usually right. But sometimes, it is just the nature of each individual's journey that's causing the problem. You don't explain the nature of his lack of "presence" in your marriage -- is he drinking currently?
And have you thought about talking to a personal counselor about this, to see if alcohol really is the villain? Could there be something else going on that could be talked through, so that both of you might (if you want) give this one more try before giving up? At least you will rule that out completely....and I say that as a person who really needs (for ME) to explore all of these avenues before I feel good taking any next steps.
For example, even in my current (healthy) marriage, it is a constant balancing act to make sure the both of us PUT OUR RELATIONSHIP FIRST, rather than him putting me first, or me putting him first. We are, after all, responsible for our OWN hopes and dreams, but in an ideal situation the marriage can be a great wellspring of energy and strength to help propel BOTH of us to the places we want to be. Counseling helped me to get all of that into perspective and make wiser choices for myself.
Whatever the situation, there is a lot of experience, strength, and hope to draw on here at SR, and I hope you'll stay with us.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Well, you don't have to decide right now. Perhaps take a smaller step and separate and see how that goes? Separation does not have to lead to divorce. It may give you the space you need to see how life is without him there and whether that life is what you want going forward.
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