I miss my A
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
Hi Sally, I'm sorry you are going thru this pain too. I felt it in my core when I read your words as I so relate to them. I left my AH after being married 20+ years 6 months ago.
I miss him too - but I've come to realize it's the fantasy husband and marriage that I miss. The last few years were not very good at all. Were there some good times yes of course there were, I felt love and support and great tenderness from this man that I married. Unfortunately A came in and as I found out is progressive.
The man that I left last August was not the man I married and fell in love with. That man is gone and what is left tears me to the bone because I remember. I always will remember and in my own way I will always love him but from a distance. He has set his course and he is responsible for his life. I have set my course and I am responsible for myself now.
Has it been easy hell no. It's been down and out gut wrenching painful. Has it been worth it, yes and I'd do it again. I've had my "bad" days - like yesterday but for the most part I have more good days now. I don't focus or obsess about the past anymore, I can't change it, I can only work on letting it go. I focus on today and all the blessings and positive changes that I am making for me and for my life.
Like others have said, hang in there, keep journaling/posting, focus on you and what you want, it will and does get better.
I miss him too - but I've come to realize it's the fantasy husband and marriage that I miss. The last few years were not very good at all. Were there some good times yes of course there were, I felt love and support and great tenderness from this man that I married. Unfortunately A came in and as I found out is progressive.
The man that I left last August was not the man I married and fell in love with. That man is gone and what is left tears me to the bone because I remember. I always will remember and in my own way I will always love him but from a distance. He has set his course and he is responsible for his life. I have set my course and I am responsible for myself now.
Has it been easy hell no. It's been down and out gut wrenching painful. Has it been worth it, yes and I'd do it again. I've had my "bad" days - like yesterday but for the most part I have more good days now. I don't focus or obsess about the past anymore, I can't change it, I can only work on letting it go. I focus on today and all the blessings and positive changes that I am making for me and for my life.
Like others have said, hang in there, keep journaling/posting, focus on you and what you want, it will and does get better.
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
Has it been easy hell no. It's been down and out gut wrenching painful. Has it been worth it, yes and I'd do it again. I've had my "bad" days - like yesterday but for the most part I have more good days now. I don't focus or obsess about the past anymore, I can't change it, I can only work on letting it go. I focus on today and all the blessings and positive changes that I am making for me and for my life.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by kingston 
Has it been easy hell no. It's been down and out gut wrenching painful. Has it been worth it, yes and I'd do it again. I've had my "bad" days - like yesterday but for the most part I have more good days now. I don't focus or obsess about the past anymore, I can't change it, I can only work on letting it go. I focus on today and all the blessings and positive changes that I am making for me and for my life.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,696
It is refreshingly honest to read this post.
The truth is, behind even the scariest, ugliest, most selfish addiction there is a lovely person who is hurting.
Most of us knew that lovely person before the alcohol obscured them so strangely, and so it is natural to mourn. It helps me to think of this grieving process as normal - not weakness or an unhealthy appetite for "what might have been" - just natural pain that will lessen with time.
Thank you for the reminder. It will help me be a little gentler on myself as I hurt.
-TC
The truth is, behind even the scariest, ugliest, most selfish addiction there is a lovely person who is hurting.
Most of us knew that lovely person before the alcohol obscured them so strangely, and so it is natural to mourn. It helps me to think of this grieving process as normal - not weakness or an unhealthy appetite for "what might have been" - just natural pain that will lessen with time.
Thank you for the reminder. It will help me be a little gentler on myself as I hurt.
-TC
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 37
Sally, and others,
thanks for this post....as others have said it really does hit home.
24 great years together then 5 recent years of living with a different wife. But as you all said, I still think that the real person is deep inside the alcoholic and that its' the bottle that has taken her place.
kind of like "invasion of the body snatchers"
It's up to me to stay awake and try to figure out how to chase the bottle out of my wife before I lose her completely!
thanks for this post....as others have said it really does hit home.
24 great years together then 5 recent years of living with a different wife. But as you all said, I still think that the real person is deep inside the alcoholic and that its' the bottle that has taken her place.
kind of like "invasion of the body snatchers"
It's up to me to stay awake and try to figure out how to chase the bottle out of my wife before I lose her completely!
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,696
Originally Posted by spikedaball
It's up to me to stay awake and try to figure out how to chase the bottle out of my wife before I lose her completely!
I don't think that it's "up to you" at all.
I know that's hard to hear and even harder to understand, but you are not responsible for her drinking or her recovery.
I have run countless laps around the track trying to chase the bottle out of my husband, but I've learned: My husband runs faster than me.
You have your own fight, your own race to run.
I'm sure that you can win that one.
Take care of yourself.
-TC
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2
Hi Sally,
I was in your shoes about 5 years ago. I felt that it was best for me and the kids to leave. He really drank and used after we left, to the point that he eventually did decide that he was an alcoholic/addict and needed to stop. He went for treatment, relapsed a couple of times in the beginning, and a couple of months later got cleaned up and stayed clean for 3 years. During this time, we divorced, but because of the kids have been in touch with each other etc.
I was jealous of his sobriety in a way, he was sober and it was when we weren't with him. I was angry with him for not saying "I'm sorry". I was in other relationships over those couple of years and always felt that I could never truly love anyone else, as I am still in love with my ex, but simply can't live with him. I was lonely at times, wished that things could have worked out, but went on with my life, taking care of kids, and being independent for the first time in a long time.
My ex recently relapsed. I have tried to be supportive, trying to help him as a friend. Trying to not be critical or nag him about what he is doing. He went to a rehab in Jan, got out and relapsed right away again. Has been binging for almost a week now. Last night I had to shut him out again.... he is back to the old Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde routine.... getting argumentative, delusional about things. Accusing me of things, saying that I don't "really care about him".
It is hard....
I was in your shoes about 5 years ago. I felt that it was best for me and the kids to leave. He really drank and used after we left, to the point that he eventually did decide that he was an alcoholic/addict and needed to stop. He went for treatment, relapsed a couple of times in the beginning, and a couple of months later got cleaned up and stayed clean for 3 years. During this time, we divorced, but because of the kids have been in touch with each other etc.
I was jealous of his sobriety in a way, he was sober and it was when we weren't with him. I was angry with him for not saying "I'm sorry". I was in other relationships over those couple of years and always felt that I could never truly love anyone else, as I am still in love with my ex, but simply can't live with him. I was lonely at times, wished that things could have worked out, but went on with my life, taking care of kids, and being independent for the first time in a long time.
My ex recently relapsed. I have tried to be supportive, trying to help him as a friend. Trying to not be critical or nag him about what he is doing. He went to a rehab in Jan, got out and relapsed right away again. Has been binging for almost a week now. Last night I had to shut him out again.... he is back to the old Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde routine.... getting argumentative, delusional about things. Accusing me of things, saying that I don't "really care about him".
It is hard....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 140
Thank you
Thank you everyone for your responses, I read them, have taken them in and they have helped me.
Princess, You have given me a glimpse into the future.
I know that I am doing the right thing, and It has been the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my life.
I have recently just started to come out of six months of depression and anxiety. Pure horror, I am just trying to regain my health.
I am feeling much better and that is my #1 Priority. I have realized that I am not capable of helping him. Because I need to help myself, I felt like I was going to lose my mind in the past months. The mental anguise was almost more than I could bare.
when I reached out to him to please help me come home, just go get somehelp............just go to treatment. He just drank, and drank and drank, and today he is still drinking. My partner, is not there? My husband is not there? I have felt the raw sober pain, and he has been numbed out with booze. I have went through the mourning process sober, and unmedicated.
He has not even started the process. When he sobers up for a day and realizes that he misses me and he needs me.
Im no longer there,
I don't have the strength to want to help him anymore, I cannot help him. In order for me to survive. I must let go of him and his drama
what scares me is that I have pretty much blocked him out and started to move forward. When he call's it brings it back and I have to deal with it.
It brings back the pain. The lose. The anger, The sorrow, the self doubt.
I guess It brings me back to were I just escaped from.
All of this has been My anguise, I can't even begin to tell you what this has done to our children.
Thank you all Sally
And this to shall pass
Princess, You have given me a glimpse into the future.
I know that I am doing the right thing, and It has been the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my life.
I have recently just started to come out of six months of depression and anxiety. Pure horror, I am just trying to regain my health.
I am feeling much better and that is my #1 Priority. I have realized that I am not capable of helping him. Because I need to help myself, I felt like I was going to lose my mind in the past months. The mental anguise was almost more than I could bare.
when I reached out to him to please help me come home, just go get somehelp............just go to treatment. He just drank, and drank and drank, and today he is still drinking. My partner, is not there? My husband is not there? I have felt the raw sober pain, and he has been numbed out with booze. I have went through the mourning process sober, and unmedicated.
He has not even started the process. When he sobers up for a day and realizes that he misses me and he needs me.
Im no longer there,
I don't have the strength to want to help him anymore, I cannot help him. In order for me to survive. I must let go of him and his drama
what scares me is that I have pretty much blocked him out and started to move forward. When he call's it brings it back and I have to deal with it.
It brings back the pain. The lose. The anger, The sorrow, the self doubt.
I guess It brings me back to were I just escaped from.
All of this has been My anguise, I can't even begin to tell you what this has done to our children.
Thank you all Sally
And this to shall pass
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