SereneRose

Hi all. I am in total crisis mode. I have been seeing this guy for about 14 months who is in and out of recovery. He had moved in with Me, my son (15) and my Dad who lives with me part-time in October 08. For the last 6 months he took me on a crazy ride of pot smoking and drinking. He wouldn’t drink around me but did some really odd things that were driving my codie mind insane. About 30 days ago his world came crashing down; he lost his job, I was getting ready to kick him out, etc. and he felt he had nothing to live for. He totally destroyed our relationship with all the odd things and betrayal; which led to the total mistrust I had acquired. He used the A’s excuse “I don’t know why I do these things.” He didn’t want to commit the final act of suicide due to the fact that he knew it was very selfish but he teetered on the edge. We talked and I agreed to let him stay at the house we were sharing, but he had to want to get his life in order, be totally honest and move into the spare room. The next morning he went to AA and continued going to AA. He convinced me that if he was dishonest in the rooms and with me it didn’t help him recover. This was going to the first day of the rest of our lives. He has had a tough time finding work but has been really trying by going out every day and scouring the internet for work. He finally got a job a few days ago. He called me on his first day when he had his lunch hour and said he was going down the street to get something to eat and an old pot smoking buddy saw him and called him asking how he was doing and what not. When he came home that evening he looked stoned. I asked if he was and he felt appalled by my asking. I went into totally codie mode at that point. I dropped it thinking he was exhausted due to the kind of work he was doing (lifting and carrying). The next evening he called to say he was coming home and it would be about 20 minutes or so and he was much later. He told me he was talking to his AA buddy and he had to pull over. But due to the trust being almost nil at this time, I needed to check up on him to make sure he was truthful, bummer for me I had to use phone records, (which is a total NONO in my recovery). Unfortunately, I do believe he is back to his old ways. The temptation was too much. So here I sit, I have to confront him but I will be put in the situation where my heart will believe him although my head won’t. It is a tough call; I have evidence that he has been lying already and that, to me, is enough to have him gone from my home. I feel the only recourse I have right now is to have him move out.
I have given this situation to God, but my stomach is flip-flopping. Any suggestions?

Barbara52

Yeah, kick him out. Today. You are not comfortable with him in your home. That is all the reason you need.

JustMeInWI

I agree with Barbara. You set boundaries. He does not respect you and your boundaries for your health, your sanity, your serenity. He needs to go or he will NOT learn. You will continue to enable him if you let him stay. And your 15 year old needs to see the importance of understanding boundaries by your example.

SereneRose

You are absolutely right!!! I am sooooo scared, I am working today and having a hard time concentrating.

SereneRose

This is not the first time dealing with an A, I was married one for 18 years and in a realtionship with one for three years that tried to kill me. What the Heck am I doing!? I can't seem to straighten things out with myself. Oh oh, there I go blaming myself again (slapping hand). Man, I don't want to go into that codie funk.

Freedom1990

What is your greatest fear?

As for your stomach flip-flopping, just think how much more insane it's going to get if he were allowed to stay.

That would definitely scare the cheese out of me and make my stomach flip-flop more.

:ghug :ghug

SereneRose

The confrontation, I guess. I am really tired of the BS, but master manipulators they are. But, I know things will be much better.

JustMeInWI

Just remember, "No" is a complete sentence. Make many confrontations with manipulators easier.

SereneRose

I guess I have all day to work on the strength that God will give me. It just feels good to let it all out. Thank you all!!!

Freedom1990

One of the most important things I learned with my oldest addicted daughter was 'You are out the door, period'.

That was all I needed to say. She could beg, plead, yell, whatever, and I was not going to engage in any conversation any further.

There was no turning back. She had violated every boundary I had put in place. She had not found a job, had brought drugs into my house, and was providing alcohol to/drinking with my then 15 year old daughter after I would finally fall asleep at night.

SereneRose

I hope I can be that strong.

Spiritual Seeker

Why are you putting your son through this?

In my opinion:
Getting this man out is right, but not because of him, rather because of you.
Clean the slate. Get the focus on yourself and your son.
Get to al-anon and or therapy to do the work for your own recovery.
Get your self healthy so that you don't pick mates because of your co-dependency tendencies. Get yourself healthy so that you can have the best possible relationship with your son and learn how to be a healthy mate that attracts same.

Good luck to you as you make progress.