Lilyflower

Hi guys,

I have very recently reconnected with a man who I knew as a boy between 4-11 years old.

We were really good friends during primary school (7-11yrs) and always hung around together. We lost contact when we both went to different secondary schools at age 11.

We seem to have hit it off straight away, emailing each other pretty much every day since we reconnected. So far we have reminisced about the past and talked about what we have both been up to since leaving school etc.

I have really enjoyed talking to him and we have now exchanged numbers.

But I am concerned about my reaction to all this, I don't want to go in too fast too soon. I am feeling butterflies in my stomach with anticipation of his emails and am left feeling joy about what we have said to each other. I am finding myself increasingly thinking of him. He is on my mind as soon as I wake.

I told myself last night to stop this thought process. All I know of him really is the boy he was, a week of constant emailing has not taught me all he is as an adult, so he may as well be a stranger to me. A stranger who I happened to have a school girls crush on.

I don't want to construct a fantasy of him before I get to know who he is now, almost 19 years after we last met up. I want to stay connected with reality and not get carried away with myself. I don't even know if he sees me as a potential partner, or just an old friend.

I know all these things in my head, but *sigh* can someone please tell me how to get this through to my heart?! How can I stop this fluttering sensation and get back to reality!!?

Perhaps I am falling in love with this guy, but logically I understand that it is not necessarily a healthy thing to fall so quickly, I don't want to get hurt or be dissapointed if he doesn't return the feeling.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Rowan

Hi Lily,

I'll be interested in reading the replies to your thread, because I have had experiences similar to what you described. Almost exactly as you described, if I am to be completely honest. I've taken a break from dating and relationships to work on this area because of this - attention from the opposite sex consumes me sometimes.

Lilyflower

Thanks Rowan, it is hard isn't it? i have been single for about a year now - longest ever for me.

I have managed to get to the point where I am very content with my life being a single woman. I feel no need to get involved with someone, I know I am fine alone.

I have had dates since splitting from abf, but never before had this response to the person, I was very calm actually and spent time getting to know them and was able to walk away, no problems. It is not the case that I fall for any guy that shows me attention, Lol!

This is the first time that I have had this feeling toward anyone since breaking up with exabf. I'm not against getting close to someone again, I am not nervous about the whole relationship thing, but I just don't want to go in like a bull in a China shop!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Freedom1990

If you don't mind me asking, any reason in particular you walked away from the others you have dated and gotten to know? Was there just no connection, nothing in common?

(Bear with me-I know why I've walked away from a couple of guys I dated when I finally did decide to take the plunge and give it a try after I worked long and hard on my codependency issues.)

LaTeeDa

My therapist taught me that it's all about trusting yourself.

I think it's perfectly okay to have the butterflies and feelings of excitement when meeting someone and developing a connection. I don't want to supress those feelings because they are one of the joys of being alive and being human. The problem sets in when I start projecting into the future.

I have to remember that those feelings may or may not lead to something more. I also have to remember that even if they do lead to something more, it may or may not last. If I am realistic and content with all the possibilities, and I trust myself to do what's best for me, then I can enjoy the present.

This is not to say that I will never make a mistake. I did find myself dating someone who turned out to have many red flags. But I recognized them early on and removed myself from harms way. It was a great learning experience which boosted my confidence and trust in myself.

Love is not a hole in the sidewalk you simply fall into. It is a choice you make. If you trust yourself to choose wisely, then you can enjoy all the wonderful feelings without fear. Allow yourself to experience the joy, and trust yourself to do the right thing if this one isn't right for you.

L

JustMeInWI

I agree whole heartedly with LTD It's all about TRUSTING YOURSELF. You've gotten to know your gut through other choices you've come to make in the past. I think sometimes I forget that I'm supposed to trust my gut both when I feel scared/unhappy AND when I feel joy/happiness Just don't go into this with your eyes shut. Remember what you've learned about expectations being future resentments. Be honest. Be real.

No matter what happens with him, you'll have the opportunity to know and love yourself more through it all. (((hugs)))

GrowingPains

I'm going through a similar thing at the moment. Although I didn't grow up around this individual, I'd been crushing on him for almost a year and it turned out the feelings were mutual.

I've been enjoying the euphoria of a new relationship and am making a conscious effort to enjoy the now without building big expectations. Just like the bad feelings people talk about here, its good to allow the positive feelings to flow through you as well. They can be fun at the very least.

peaceteach

Hi Lily,

This same thing has happened to me recently! My old friend from high school, really my best guy friend, looked me up over the summer and we started dating. I had been separated/divorced for 5 years and had not had one date nor was I looking. He was just so funny and cute and interesting and sweet that I thought my HP must have sent him directly to me. I did the same gaa-gaa thing too, then pulled back, then forward, then back, you know, trying to control myself. But the others are right--it's totally FUN to be in the dating game again, especially with someone who is so NORMAL and not manipulative. Plus, because we had known each other before, it seemed like everything was just easy from the start.

I say go for it, sister. After what you went through with your exAB, you can handle anything, right? You deserve to be happy, to let someone into your life and heart if you want to.

I also wanted to add how fun it has been to have had a "courtship" through words, and typing, and texting. It began with emails (my friend lives in a different city so we see each other on weekends) which gave me just the right amount of distance to feel safe and secure, and also to feel flirty and sexy. Perfect for a new romance....

Lilyflower

Thanks for all the responses, I will trust myself and just see what happens.

I like what you said Lateeda, I just need to keep in mind that it may or may not turn into something, keep my eyes open for red flags and just enjoy myself.

The reason the other dates didn't turn into anything else was basically a combination of a lack of a spark, big red flags that I noticed and just not being ready yet inside of myself.

We have planned to meet up for a coffee on Tuesday next week and properly catch up with each other. Like you said Peaceteach it is really easy to talk to him and be myself because we have been friends before, it will be good to get to know the adult he has become.

I'm looking forward to it!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

GiveLove

I could not improve on what LaTeeDa had to say, Lily.

These are the times when it's good to really work on ourselves. Journaling, making lists (advantages of being single vs. in relationship), really becoming clear on the traits we would someday like in a mate AND on the dealbreakers.....when I began dating again, I wrote pages and pages and pages. I didn't want to repeat my old patterns.

You were friends when you were children. When all of my X's were 12 years old, they weren't yet alcoholics, or narcissistic, or controlling.....those things came in adulthood. You're wise to remind yourself that YOU REALLY DO NOT KNOW THE PERSON HE IS as an adult, and although you have some things in common, he is basically a stranger to you.

Go deep within, and get clear. Go slow, and process everything. Examine your desires to be "in love" and find out where they come from (desire for security? for acknowledgment? to "matter" more? a childhood fantasy? media influences?).

There is no danger here if you truly know and love yourself. That inner strength can free you to really enjoy this!