Is he or isn't he?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 7
Is he or isn't he?
I’m worried about my husband. A couple of times in the past, when we were having in depth conversations about health, he’s admitted to me that he sometimes has issues with alcohol. However, if I mention to him his admission later on, he completely denies having said it -- or tells me I misunderstood him. He usually drinks at least a couple of glasses of wine in the evening -- but I suspect he drinks more than that in his office alone. We bought a case of his favorite wine a few months ago and it was all gone in a month. FYI, he is the only drinker in the house, so he drank that case all by himself. When he drinks hard liquor (usually whiskey or rum) he fills a juice glass up at least four fingers high (no ice) -- and he'll have at least two of those in the evening and consider that his two drink minimum. He usually drinks in the evenings, alone, in his office.
A month ago he told me that he wasn’t going to drink hard liquor anymore because it wasn’t good for him, he didn't like the way he felt in the morning, and that the only real reason to drink that stuff was to get drunk. I was glad, because I don't like the way his eyes look when he drinks it (glazed and watery). So he started to just drink wine -- sometimes a bottle a night.
Then, a couple of weeks ago he went to the liquor store and got a bottle of brandy. When I reminded him that he wasn’t drinking hard liquor anymore he told me that brandy wasn’t hard liquor. It was just distilled wine. Now, I wasn't raised around alcohol, I'm not a drinker myself, so I let the subject drop because I really didn't know whether it was hard liquor or not. But then I looked brandy up on the Internet and found that it's 40% alcohol – which makes it a hard liquor, right? The first night he had that big bottle of brandy, he drank almost 1/2 of it.
And then tonight, he brought another bottle of brandy home. I once again, very lovingly, reminded him that he wasn't going to drink hard liquor anymore. He got irritated with me and proceeded to try to convince me that Brandy isn’t hard alcohol. He said he didn't appreciate me questioning him about it – that it wasn’t any of my business, that brandy wasn’t the same thing as whiskey or rum. He told me that he's a grown man -- a good husband, and a good father, with a good job -- and he is allowed to buy a bottle of brandy every now and then.
When I told him that I loved him and that I was simply concerned about him, he told me that I should show some restraint and stop demanding to get my way -- which is ridiculous because I was being very calm and reasonable with him, while he was being very defensive and, frankly, looked scared out of his mind. He told me that me asking about him buying brandy was the same thing as him demanding to know what kind of shampoo I used – something that wasn't any of his business. Shampoo? I can’t follow that logic at all. He, basically, was having an argument with himself, because I wasn’t participating except for calmly asking him questions and telling him that I loved him and was worried about his defensive reaction to my questions.
We've only been married for two years. I love this man. He has a good job and is a great provider for me, my dauther and his son. His defense about his drinking is usually "I don't drive drunk, I don't get violent, I'm a grown man with a good job." I just don't know enough about alcohol and it's effects to understand what -- if anything -- is going on. He's functioning fine -- does his job and does it well (was just promoted this past summer). He's right: he doesn't get violent. But I feel this weird lack of connection with him that has been getting worse and worse over the past year or so. It just seems to me that if alcohol weren't a problem for him he would discuss it calmly and reasonably instead of getting so over-the-top defensive about my questions. I'm afraid of this getting worse. That one day he will be a full-blown out of control alcoholic like his older sister.
Help.
A month ago he told me that he wasn’t going to drink hard liquor anymore because it wasn’t good for him, he didn't like the way he felt in the morning, and that the only real reason to drink that stuff was to get drunk. I was glad, because I don't like the way his eyes look when he drinks it (glazed and watery). So he started to just drink wine -- sometimes a bottle a night.
Then, a couple of weeks ago he went to the liquor store and got a bottle of brandy. When I reminded him that he wasn’t drinking hard liquor anymore he told me that brandy wasn’t hard liquor. It was just distilled wine. Now, I wasn't raised around alcohol, I'm not a drinker myself, so I let the subject drop because I really didn't know whether it was hard liquor or not. But then I looked brandy up on the Internet and found that it's 40% alcohol – which makes it a hard liquor, right? The first night he had that big bottle of brandy, he drank almost 1/2 of it.
And then tonight, he brought another bottle of brandy home. I once again, very lovingly, reminded him that he wasn't going to drink hard liquor anymore. He got irritated with me and proceeded to try to convince me that Brandy isn’t hard alcohol. He said he didn't appreciate me questioning him about it – that it wasn’t any of my business, that brandy wasn’t the same thing as whiskey or rum. He told me that he's a grown man -- a good husband, and a good father, with a good job -- and he is allowed to buy a bottle of brandy every now and then.
When I told him that I loved him and that I was simply concerned about him, he told me that I should show some restraint and stop demanding to get my way -- which is ridiculous because I was being very calm and reasonable with him, while he was being very defensive and, frankly, looked scared out of his mind. He told me that me asking about him buying brandy was the same thing as him demanding to know what kind of shampoo I used – something that wasn't any of his business. Shampoo? I can’t follow that logic at all. He, basically, was having an argument with himself, because I wasn’t participating except for calmly asking him questions and telling him that I loved him and was worried about his defensive reaction to my questions.
We've only been married for two years. I love this man. He has a good job and is a great provider for me, my dauther and his son. His defense about his drinking is usually "I don't drive drunk, I don't get violent, I'm a grown man with a good job." I just don't know enough about alcohol and it's effects to understand what -- if anything -- is going on. He's functioning fine -- does his job and does it well (was just promoted this past summer). He's right: he doesn't get violent. But I feel this weird lack of connection with him that has been getting worse and worse over the past year or so. It just seems to me that if alcohol weren't a problem for him he would discuss it calmly and reasonably instead of getting so over-the-top defensive about my questions. I'm afraid of this getting worse. That one day he will be a full-blown out of control alcoholic like his older sister.
Help.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
First of all, welcome to SR! :ghug
I highly recommend you read the stickies at the top of this forum and educate yourself on alcoholism.
Many alcoholics are 'functioning' alcoholics-that is, they go to work and provide for ther families.
The sad thing is, alcoholism is a progressive disease, and it only gets worse with time.
I'd also recommend checking into Alanon in your area to get some support for yourself as it's obvious his drinking is affecting you and causing you concern.
I hope you continue to post here, and know that you are in the company of good and understanding folks at SR! :ghug
I highly recommend you read the stickies at the top of this forum and educate yourself on alcoholism.
Many alcoholics are 'functioning' alcoholics-that is, they go to work and provide for ther families.
The sad thing is, alcoholism is a progressive disease, and it only gets worse with time.
I'd also recommend checking into Alanon in your area to get some support for yourself as it's obvious his drinking is affecting you and causing you concern.
I hope you continue to post here, and know that you are in the company of good and understanding folks at SR! :ghug
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Welcome! You've found a great place for information and support.
IMO, anyone who is that defensive about their drinking knows they have a problem. But there is nothing you can do to make them see the light. What you can do is educate yourself about alcoholism and its effects on you and the kids and what you can do to protect yourself if you continue to live with him.
IMO, anyone who is that defensive about their drinking knows they have a problem. But there is nothing you can do to make them see the light. What you can do is educate yourself about alcoholism and its effects on you and the kids and what you can do to protect yourself if you continue to live with him.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
MICRZY? NOURNOT! 
Welcome to SR!
I just wanted to say that my STBXAH's personal style of drinking started out VERY much like what you have described:
good job and no violence,
lots of "I've decided not to drink x" - then, days later, coming home with a bottle of x,
isolating and drinking alone,
constant redirection (the shampoo comparison is classic)
All of this combined to make me doubt my sanity and my intuition. But, today, only 1.5 years later - there is absolutely no doubt as to my husband's problems with alcohol.
I don't know if your husband will continue down the path of addiction, but I have found a great deal of strength, hope, and answers by sticking around on SR, attending AlAnon, and seeing a personal counselor.
It was very hard for me to watch someone drink so unhealthily - it was absolutely necessary for me to accept the fact that I had NO CONTROL over his choices so that I could stop focusing on what I could do to help him and start focusing on what I could do to help myself.
Keep posting!
-TC
Welcome to SR!
I just wanted to say that my STBXAH's personal style of drinking started out VERY much like what you have described:
good job and no violence,
lots of "I've decided not to drink x" - then, days later, coming home with a bottle of x,
isolating and drinking alone,
constant redirection (the shampoo comparison is classic)
All of this combined to make me doubt my sanity and my intuition. But, today, only 1.5 years later - there is absolutely no doubt as to my husband's problems with alcohol.
I don't know if your husband will continue down the path of addiction, but I have found a great deal of strength, hope, and answers by sticking around on SR, attending AlAnon, and seeing a personal counselor.
It was very hard for me to watch someone drink so unhealthily - it was absolutely necessary for me to accept the fact that I had NO CONTROL over his choices so that I could stop focusing on what I could do to help him and start focusing on what I could do to help myself.
Keep posting!
-TC
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Welcome to SR 
Being concerned about your husband's health (alcohol in those quantities is destructive to the body) and knowing that your intimacy, trust, and confidence suffers when he drinks is enough. He doesn't have to admit a problem; he has to admit that he's damaging his marriage with his behavior.
I have had these conversations with my husband, who is not an alcoholic. They are civilized and rational and he understands that I'm not accusing him of anything -- I'm just telling him the effects certain behavior has on our relationship, and the choices I may need to make in order to remain a happy, healthy person. There is no argument there...because it is a boundary *I* set for *me*.
I'd urge you to read around on this site, especially the Sticky posts at the top, and educate yourself about the different faces of alcoholism, and how different people have chosen to handle these situations.
You might consider also whether some couples counseling might help bring you back together on the same "team" to help find a way to get through this where no one feels controlled or belittled, but both of you feel like your needs are being met. Even if he does have an alcohol problem (sounds like it from this vantage point) honing your communication skills can't hurt.
Hugs,
GL
Being concerned about your husband's health (alcohol in those quantities is destructive to the body) and knowing that your intimacy, trust, and confidence suffers when he drinks is enough. He doesn't have to admit a problem; he has to admit that he's damaging his marriage with his behavior.
I have had these conversations with my husband, who is not an alcoholic. They are civilized and rational and he understands that I'm not accusing him of anything -- I'm just telling him the effects certain behavior has on our relationship, and the choices I may need to make in order to remain a happy, healthy person. There is no argument there...because it is a boundary *I* set for *me*.
I'd urge you to read around on this site, especially the Sticky posts at the top, and educate yourself about the different faces of alcoholism, and how different people have chosen to handle these situations.
You might consider also whether some couples counseling might help bring you back together on the same "team" to help find a way to get through this where no one feels controlled or belittled, but both of you feel like your needs are being met. Even if he does have an alcohol problem (sounds like it from this vantage point) honing your communication skills can't hurt.
Hugs,
GL
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Sounds like, he's got a problem to me
Sadly, you're harping on this issue will only cause resentments from him.
Can you go to an Al Anon meeting any where?
How old are your kids? They old enough to stay with your husband if, you'd go to an Al Anon meeting??
Sadly, you're harping on this issue will only cause resentments from him.
Can you go to an Al Anon meeting any where?
How old are your kids? They old enough to stay with your husband if, you'd go to an Al Anon meeting??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 7
Thank you so much for all your replies. I've clearly been in denial about this problem, evidenced by the fact that I am now crying over your posts. This feels so unreal. I used to be such an intuitive person before I married him, but his actions and his words at times can be so incongruent that I now doubt myself and my feelings a lot.
My daughter is in college although she lives with us, and his son is in high school. I've tried to protect my husband in the past by telling both kids at one time or another that he wasn't drunk the night before, he was just tired. I won't be doing that anymore.
Today he is very upset with me for questioning him about the brandy. But I feel like my eyes have been opened and now I'm very upset about how I've been treated lately. He's a very good talker and everytime we've had a serious argument about anything it's all become my fault -- he is so good at twisting the conversation around to make me feel terrible about having had an issue with him in the first place. I've been called over-sensitive, judgmental, and -- my favorite -- addicted to misery, and 9 times out of 10 how I feel about something doesn't warrant discussion. Nobody in the world has ever treated me so insenistively, and I truly had begun to believe what he was saying.
He has very limited patience, and seems irritated or unhappy all the time. I thought it was just me being hyper-sensitive -- which he says to me a lot, but I'm starting to believe that he doesn't really know how to have a emotional relationship. Is that common with Alcoholics? Do they have an inability to form emotional bonds? I don't know anyone in his life that he has an emotional bond with (except maybe his mother). I used to think he had an emotional bond with me (or I wouldn't have married him), but he just doesn't seem to connect with me very well anymore.
While I know that covering for him those few times with the kids is co-dependant behavior, I don't think I've formed a strong co-dependant bond with him -- yet. And that's what I want to avoid. I want to nip this in the bud before we've been together ten years and it's so bad that I want out but I'm too co-dependant to leave. I'm mad at myself for getting into this situation. He was so wonderful when we were dating, the love of my life. I want that man back! I feel cheated.
My daughter is in college although she lives with us, and his son is in high school. I've tried to protect my husband in the past by telling both kids at one time or another that he wasn't drunk the night before, he was just tired. I won't be doing that anymore.
Today he is very upset with me for questioning him about the brandy. But I feel like my eyes have been opened and now I'm very upset about how I've been treated lately. He's a very good talker and everytime we've had a serious argument about anything it's all become my fault -- he is so good at twisting the conversation around to make me feel terrible about having had an issue with him in the first place. I've been called over-sensitive, judgmental, and -- my favorite -- addicted to misery, and 9 times out of 10 how I feel about something doesn't warrant discussion. Nobody in the world has ever treated me so insenistively, and I truly had begun to believe what he was saying.
He has very limited patience, and seems irritated or unhappy all the time. I thought it was just me being hyper-sensitive -- which he says to me a lot, but I'm starting to believe that he doesn't really know how to have a emotional relationship. Is that common with Alcoholics? Do they have an inability to form emotional bonds? I don't know anyone in his life that he has an emotional bond with (except maybe his mother). I used to think he had an emotional bond with me (or I wouldn't have married him), but he just doesn't seem to connect with me very well anymore.
While I know that covering for him those few times with the kids is co-dependant behavior, I don't think I've formed a strong co-dependant bond with him -- yet. And that's what I want to avoid. I want to nip this in the bud before we've been together ten years and it's so bad that I want out but I'm too co-dependant to leave. I'm mad at myself for getting into this situation. He was so wonderful when we were dating, the love of my life. I want that man back! I feel cheated.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Just a hunch
Might be the irritablity stems from craving alcohol.
Quick question
Could it be you overlooked the amount he was drinking then? Or, has the drinking progressed so much it's hard to overlook now?
Might be the irritablity stems from craving alcohol.
Quick question
Could it be you overlooked the amount he was drinking then? Or, has the drinking progressed so much it's hard to overlook now?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 7
I could have easily overlooked the amount he was drinking then. We were a long distance relationship - he was living on the other side of the country and I only saw him a week or two a month. Back then he didn't display any of the distancing behaviors he's displaying now. Now he spends most of his time alone, in his office -- either working or playing computer games. When I'm upset about something he offers no emotional support whatsoever. If I get upset about something he's done, I get berated for "criticizing" him. I feel very alone. And, frankly, stupid. I guess the honeymoon's over.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 7
Just had another talk with my husband. I just sat and listened. He told me he's upset about the brandy incident. That he's just going to throw it away and never drink again because he's tired of being accused of things. He said (angrily) that I'm getting my way. He's giving me what I want. That I have all the control now.
I calmly told him that I haven't told him to throw anything away, and I haven't told him to stop drinking. I don't have the control and I don't want it. He insisted that I have all the control. I told him that it didn't matter how many times he said it, it wouldn't make it true. I reinterated that I love him and that I'm worried about him, that I'm simply concerned about his reaction to my questioning him about the brandy.
He said he's very unhappy, and that I'm not giving him the little things a husband needs from his wife. I asked him what those things were and he told me I should just know. He was upset that I didn't just know. I told him that wasn't fair, that I wasn't psychic. That he needed to tell me what he wanted and needed. I said, "If I told you that I need things and that you should just know what they are, you'd be upset with me." He replied that I don't have to tell him what I need because he gives me everything I need. Wow. I said, "Really, you think you give me everything I need?" To which he got angry and said, "Well obviously you don't think so. Nobody thinks I do enough." I asked him again to please tell me what he needs from me, to which he replied he was in a sh**ty mood and didn't want to talk anymore.
I've never known another person who deflects as much as he does. I can't seem to get a straight answer from him. And he's always pushing the blame back at me. It's very frustrating. Is this normal behavior from someone with a drinking problem, or is he just being a jerk? Am I crazy here? Am I over reacting? I wish I could talk to my family/friends, but I feel like that would be betraying him, and I really want him to trust me and open up to me about this issue. I feel like that's the only way we're going to get it resolved. But he is continuing to take the stand that there is nothing wrong with him -- that it's me who has the problem.
As a side note -- before we got married his ex-wife used to leave me voice mails and tell me all these horrible things about him. I do know for a fact that what she said was all lies. (she's BPD) But she also used to tell me that he was an alcoholic. I just assumed that, because all the other things were lies, that was a lie too. I don't know where this is all going to lead, but I'm glad for the opportunity to vent in here to people that seem to understand.
I calmly told him that I haven't told him to throw anything away, and I haven't told him to stop drinking. I don't have the control and I don't want it. He insisted that I have all the control. I told him that it didn't matter how many times he said it, it wouldn't make it true. I reinterated that I love him and that I'm worried about him, that I'm simply concerned about his reaction to my questioning him about the brandy.
He said he's very unhappy, and that I'm not giving him the little things a husband needs from his wife. I asked him what those things were and he told me I should just know. He was upset that I didn't just know. I told him that wasn't fair, that I wasn't psychic. That he needed to tell me what he wanted and needed. I said, "If I told you that I need things and that you should just know what they are, you'd be upset with me." He replied that I don't have to tell him what I need because he gives me everything I need. Wow. I said, "Really, you think you give me everything I need?" To which he got angry and said, "Well obviously you don't think so. Nobody thinks I do enough." I asked him again to please tell me what he needs from me, to which he replied he was in a sh**ty mood and didn't want to talk anymore.
I've never known another person who deflects as much as he does. I can't seem to get a straight answer from him. And he's always pushing the blame back at me. It's very frustrating. Is this normal behavior from someone with a drinking problem, or is he just being a jerk? Am I crazy here? Am I over reacting? I wish I could talk to my family/friends, but I feel like that would be betraying him, and I really want him to trust me and open up to me about this issue. I feel like that's the only way we're going to get it resolved. But he is continuing to take the stand that there is nothing wrong with him -- that it's me who has the problem.
As a side note -- before we got married his ex-wife used to leave me voice mails and tell me all these horrible things about him. I do know for a fact that what she said was all lies. (she's BPD) But she also used to tell me that he was an alcoholic. I just assumed that, because all the other things were lies, that was a lie too. I don't know where this is all going to lead, but I'm glad for the opportunity to vent in here to people that seem to understand.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
You won't get a straight answer from an alcoholic. It's evasion, blame, denial, and you will be left frustrated and drained after the 'conversation'.
It's like talking to the sticker on a banana at the store. The results will be just as fruitful (pun intended).
It's like talking to the sticker on a banana at the store. The results will be just as fruitful (pun intended).
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
MICRAZY--
As TC said: (but she's younger than me so she can say it in kewl txt speak!!!) NO YOU'RE NOT!!
I am glad you posted and glad you are here!
This feels so unreal. I used to be such an intuitive person before I married him, but his actions and his words at times can be so incongruent that I now doubt myself and my feelings a lot.
This should be a sticky because it is just a classic picture of how we who love alcoholics will question our own thinking - will get a little fuzzy with our logic, will start lowering our standards for a relationship, and will often get caught on a roller-coaster of insanity because the person we love who has a drinking problem - no matter what a great, nice, kind, successful, person they are or not- will twist and turn everything and "say" this while "doing " that.
This is why alcoholism is called a family disease. The behaviors your H is displaying and the "quacking" he is doing is just what alcoholics do.
The confusion and willingness to argue about all kinds of peripheral things in order to deny that YES it IS the addiction that is making this relationship impossible, is just what the loved one does.
In a way these are some of the lasting gifts that having a family full of alcoholics has forced me to accept: I must always keep my feet in REALITY. I must accept people as they are TODAY and not how they used to be or how I WISH they would be. I trust actions and not words. Behavior tells me all I need to know.
I know it is painful, the pain of accepting the reality and severity of my brothers' alcoholism was intense - but it was the pain that marked the beginning of REAL growth and change for me... glad to see you are breaking down the walls of illusion and denial!!!
stick around!
peace-
b
As TC said: (but she's younger than me so she can say it in kewl txt speak!!!) NO YOU'RE NOT!!
I am glad you posted and glad you are here!
This feels so unreal. I used to be such an intuitive person before I married him, but his actions and his words at times can be so incongruent that I now doubt myself and my feelings a lot.
This should be a sticky because it is just a classic picture of how we who love alcoholics will question our own thinking - will get a little fuzzy with our logic, will start lowering our standards for a relationship, and will often get caught on a roller-coaster of insanity because the person we love who has a drinking problem - no matter what a great, nice, kind, successful, person they are or not- will twist and turn everything and "say" this while "doing " that.
This is why alcoholism is called a family disease. The behaviors your H is displaying and the "quacking" he is doing is just what alcoholics do.
The confusion and willingness to argue about all kinds of peripheral things in order to deny that YES it IS the addiction that is making this relationship impossible, is just what the loved one does.
In a way these are some of the lasting gifts that having a family full of alcoholics has forced me to accept: I must always keep my feet in REALITY. I must accept people as they are TODAY and not how they used to be or how I WISH they would be. I trust actions and not words. Behavior tells me all I need to know.
I know it is painful, the pain of accepting the reality and severity of my brothers' alcoholism was intense - but it was the pain that marked the beginning of REAL growth and change for me... glad to see you are breaking down the walls of illusion and denial!!!
stick around!
peace-
b
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 7
Why can't I get past the feeling that I'm doing something wrong by not making up with him and letting all this slide? He's so irritated with me and it's really uncomfortable. He's acting as if I've done something terrible to him, when all I did was question him about a commitement he made to not drink hard liquor. Btw, he still insists that brandy isn't hard liquor.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by MissFixit 
I know that I should not ask this...But why do active alcoholics do that? Evade, blame, deny and lie?
The only way an active alcoholic can comfortably remain in his/her disease is to shift the focus off of him/her and on to someone else.
Make any sense?
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Hi MICRZY and welcome, you will get great support here.
From my point of view, we have a lot of similarities too. Good provider, good job, will go to the ends of the earth for me and others. He drank on weekends - worked so hard all week that he deserves a break and to have fun. Same on the emotional bond. I heard once that alcoholics get stunted at the age when they started to seriously drink - for mine it was university. Still a party boy. After I got pregnant and had our daughter, he curbed the going out but then drank alone in the basement - listening to music, working or playing computer games. Our connection started to disappear.
From what I've learned, that behaviour is normal. A's tend to blame things on external factors because they are 'closed' on the inside. My hubby has avoided looking inward for a long time, which is what likely prompted him to drink. They don't deal with their issues/emotions, they try to drink them away, and when they wake up they realize the crap is still there, and then feel guilt and shame which spur them to take the next drink.
His drinking kept up weekend after weekend for many years. At first it wasn't an issue but I started to sense a problem once me and our group of friends curbed our own drinking and he didn't. He's gotten defensive too (next day hungover usually) and would also use several arguments: I'm trying to control him. I'm trying to prevent him from having fun or seeing his friends. He's not getting what he needs from the relationship - I'm not being 'sexy' enough, or appreciative enough of his efforts. I've come to realize that although his feelings may be real, it has nothing to do with me. I realized that I could do all the things in the world and he would still feel that way.
I've been in al anon for 7 months and have learned how my codependent ways contributed to our harmful dynamic. I am working on my end. Over the holidays I asked him to move into a separate bedroom, as I was finally able to admit that I didn't want to live this way. Since then he has been in recovery and hasn't drank. But I'm focussing on me and my daughter. You can do the same, get support for yourself, ask it of friends/family if you can. I sympathize with your feelings of betraying him, but what are you betraying, really? I felt the same, but it's kind of self-imposed. He drinks, buys booze, drinks in front of our friends. It's public. What am I betraying?
From my point of view, we have a lot of similarities too. Good provider, good job, will go to the ends of the earth for me and others. He drank on weekends - worked so hard all week that he deserves a break and to have fun. Same on the emotional bond. I heard once that alcoholics get stunted at the age when they started to seriously drink - for mine it was university. Still a party boy. After I got pregnant and had our daughter, he curbed the going out but then drank alone in the basement - listening to music, working or playing computer games. Our connection started to disappear.
From what I've learned, that behaviour is normal. A's tend to blame things on external factors because they are 'closed' on the inside. My hubby has avoided looking inward for a long time, which is what likely prompted him to drink. They don't deal with their issues/emotions, they try to drink them away, and when they wake up they realize the crap is still there, and then feel guilt and shame which spur them to take the next drink.
His drinking kept up weekend after weekend for many years. At first it wasn't an issue but I started to sense a problem once me and our group of friends curbed our own drinking and he didn't. He's gotten defensive too (next day hungover usually) and would also use several arguments: I'm trying to control him. I'm trying to prevent him from having fun or seeing his friends. He's not getting what he needs from the relationship - I'm not being 'sexy' enough, or appreciative enough of his efforts. I've come to realize that although his feelings may be real, it has nothing to do with me. I realized that I could do all the things in the world and he would still feel that way.
I've been in al anon for 7 months and have learned how my codependent ways contributed to our harmful dynamic. I am working on my end. Over the holidays I asked him to move into a separate bedroom, as I was finally able to admit that I didn't want to live this way. Since then he has been in recovery and hasn't drank. But I'm focussing on me and my daughter. You can do the same, get support for yourself, ask it of friends/family if you can. I sympathize with your feelings of betraying him, but what are you betraying, really? I felt the same, but it's kind of self-imposed. He drinks, buys booze, drinks in front of our friends. It's public. What am I betraying?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
One of the questions asked to determine if you have a drinking problem is
"Have you ever gotten irritated or angry with someone who tries to talk to you about your drinking?"
So I guess its a pretty common "symptom!"
More importantly MICRAZY: Why not just leave him to his irritation? Can you detach enough to not let his bad mood infect your serenity? You're not responsible for it.
He wants to be cranky - he has a right to be cranky. Leave him to it.
What can you do for YOU?
Movie?
Bookstore?
Clean a closet??
Exercise?
AlAnon meeting?
peace,
b
"Have you ever gotten irritated or angry with someone who tries to talk to you about your drinking?"
So I guess its a pretty common "symptom!"
More importantly MICRAZY: Why not just leave him to his irritation? Can you detach enough to not let his bad mood infect your serenity? You're not responsible for it.
He wants to be cranky - he has a right to be cranky. Leave him to it.
What can you do for YOU?
Movie?
Bookstore?
Clean a closet??
Exercise?
AlAnon meeting?
peace,
b
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 7
It's hard form me to detach when someone is angry. I guess I have anger issues. I hate having tension like that around me. I'm sitting here, trying to work, but my mind is spinning with what all this means to me and my new life. I gave up everything to marry this man. I moved myself and my daughter all the way across the country. What do I do now? What do I do if I can't get him to see reason? Do I go to my church and ask my pastors to intervene? My god, that would be the ultimate betrayal to him. Or...am I just being too senstive? He's a grown man. Why don't I just leave him to his brandy? It's not like he won't go to work tomorrow. Or that he's going to hit me or anything. Why not just let him drink what he wants, when he wants??
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 60
Hi, Micrzy and welcome. What you're describing is very similar to what I've experienced with my ABF. They are masters at making you feel that your thoughts and feelings are insane and it can really make you doubt yourself. The bottom line is how do you feel? If you are unhappy or upset about something that is going on you have the right to discuss it and have your feelings taken seriously.
His issue may be that you are "threatening" his drinking. I know that when I first started questioning my boyfriend about his drinking WWIII broke out. He is always throwing around the "control" factor. He can't see that what's really controlling him is the alcohol.
I don't like tension either but I've come to realize that I'd rather speak my mind and deal with the tension than suffer in silence. It's taken some time and it was agonizing at first but now I'm ok with the tension.
As others have said, take some time and read the stickies at the top. Learn all you can about alcoholism/dependence. It's really help me to sort out what was happening.
His issue may be that you are "threatening" his drinking. I know that when I first started questioning my boyfriend about his drinking WWIII broke out. He is always throwing around the "control" factor. He can't see that what's really controlling him is the alcohol.
I don't like tension either but I've come to realize that I'd rather speak my mind and deal with the tension than suffer in silence. It's taken some time and it was agonizing at first but now I'm ok with the tension.
As others have said, take some time and read the stickies at the top. Learn all you can about alcoholism/dependence. It's really help me to sort out what was happening.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
His behaviors sounds like pure manipulation on his part. He has you pegged perfectly as someone he can convince that it's all you fault, that you are unreasonable, etc.
Tell me. Would you put up with this behavior from someone else? A friend or a stranger even?
Is this what you want in a marriage? Is this what you want your daughter to think is a healthy relationship? Do you want to teach her that this is how adult men and women act toward each other and toward alcohol? That is what she will learn. I sure did. I have come to understand that I married my father and turned into my mother. For a while. I am now unlearning all those horrible lessons I learned growing up in an alcoholic household. It hurts like hell but thank God I am finally unlearning all that crap in my 50s rather than never.
Maybe you can prevent your daughter from ever learning how to be codependent or to seek out alcoholics to marry.
Tell me. Would you put up with this behavior from someone else? A friend or a stranger even?
Is this what you want in a marriage? Is this what you want your daughter to think is a healthy relationship? Do you want to teach her that this is how adult men and women act toward each other and toward alcohol? That is what she will learn. I sure did. I have come to understand that I married my father and turned into my mother. For a while. I am now unlearning all those horrible lessons I learned growing up in an alcoholic household. It hurts like hell but thank God I am finally unlearning all that crap in my 50s rather than never.
Maybe you can prevent your daughter from ever learning how to be codependent or to seek out alcoholics to marry.
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