brundle

One of my Aunts got word (from my mother) that I'm planning on leaving my AH she is lives 3000 miles away, but felt it was her duty to send me a copy of the new movie Fireproof (kind of cool... I wanted to see that) and the book that was in it... Love Dare; 40 days for those people who really want to save their marriage.

Now I know I should just send her a thank you note, but I am so sick of the well meaning Christians in my life. I would just love to send her some of the stuff I have and a book or two. I mean I've had to listen to and I've read quite a few things over the years they've sent me; but not one of them has bothered to educate themselves on addiction!

Even in the "Love Dare" book that she sent Day 23 talked about getting rid of addictions and that most marriages don't make it if addiction is part of them. I mean did she bother to read the book!!!

OH well sorry for the rant...Now that I'm in recovery I can no longer just hang my head and tell them "oh I'll just keep praying for him". I just can't believe that anymore!!! I'm also not going to stay even if my family thinks that's the "Christian" thing to do.

sodetermined

I watched that movie this past weekend....and it was a little bit depressing for me, just because....well...the addiction part of it....I mean someone really has to want to change. My exabf would have made it maybe 3-4 days...and he would have given up if I wouldn't have reacted in the way he wanted me to.

On the other hand...it did give me "glimmers" of hope, that maybe there really are men out there that want to be a better man, just as I want to be a better woman.

Taking5

Send her "My name is Bill W", and tell her your guy is just like James Woods in that movie, except he won't get sober.

brundle

sodetermined:
I think things like that would save a marriage. But addiction is it's own thing that needs to be dealt with before you can deal with the relationship issues. Thinking it can be the other way is just lying to ourselves.

dgillz: Ok... I haven't seen that one

blessed4x

OMG......A coworker just gave me that same book yesterday. It looks like an interesting novel, but I agree it makes a nice story for the big screen. In a perfect world it might work, but sometimes things are too broken. BTW, I'm a christian and I do believe God can work miracles, but I also think He gave us common sense for a reason.

JustMeInWI

Sounds like your aunt, though well-meaning, has some codependency issues of her own, trying to tell other people what they need to do to fix their lives - particularly from 3000 miles away and clearing not being in your shoes. I have relatives like that myself, and it hurts because it's just one more person (just like your AH) invalidating EVERYTHING your feeling, ALL your hurt and pain, and invalidating the precious, lovable, incredible, intelligent person that is YOU.

The thing your aunt is missing (in sending you that book) is that God (even her Christian God) has NO desire for you to remain in a situation that is hurtful or abusive (being mistreated by the one person you should be able to count on and trust with your heart of hearts). According to her Bible, God has plans to PROSPER YOU and NOT to harm you, plans for a FUTURE and a HOPE. So don't think you are somehow required to continue being mistreated. You are WORTH SO MUCH MORE to God, and to us here at SR Stand strong and TAKE CARE OF YOU ((((brundle))))

Startingover2

Everyone is talking about this movie! I guess I need to go rent it. I am also worried about being more depressed afterwards. I had no idea it talked about addiction as well. I just heard it was marital issues.

Wonder if my exah will see it?

brundle

JustMeInWI: Thanks... I believe all of that!!! (((HUGS))))

Startingover2: It is implied that the main person has an addiction to porn.

Barbara52

I haven't seen the movie or read the book mentioned. From the little I've heard, I won't.

I do know that anyone that thinks the right thing to do is stay married no matter what is off their rocker! And I also know that is not what Christianity teaches either.

ICant

I suspect the people who tell you that you should stay, would be the same people who upon listening to why you left, would comment on how stupid you were for staying so long. You live your life for yourself and your HP. By the way, is your aunt somebody you look up to? An inspiration? A leading light on wonderful marriages? Somebody you need validation from? Don't even listen to my advice because I'm the friend who tried to help people solve their problems while my own life resembled the midday telemovie on domestic violence.

hadenoughnow

My experience as someone who is recently divorced from an A is that MANY people:

Think that getting divorced is the WORST thing that could ever happen (yes even people who are divorced)

Think that physical abuse or cheating are the ONLY reasons you should get divorced EVER

Do not have a single clue about what living with an addict is like

Think you are exaggerating how bad it is

I heard stupid crap like "are you sure you want to do this?" "your son needs his father", "well he doesn't hit you", I could go on ad nauseum. Even my own attorney (who I work with and is a friend) tried to talk me out of it initially until I started showing him the financial havoc my ex created and gave him some gory details.

All I can say is I am glad I didn't listen to any of them.

baileyboop

I saw the movie around my final divorce hearing. I actually found the movie very inspiring and uplifting. It did not cause me any guilty feelings or sadness because of my own divorce (I was the one that filed). Quite to the contrary, it personally inspired me to seek better qualities in any future partner. Like anything else, this movie probably hits people in different ways. It came out on DVD recently, and I bought a copy. : )