TakingCharge999

Hi GiveLove

"It also helped a LOT if I built someone/something into my life that gave me the same amount of pleasure that my relationship did, and hopefully much more -- a new dream, a long-term goal, a terrific new lover, something deeply satisfying and done just for me"

I get what you mean... but I do not like it LOL when people tell me "get a new lover and for sure you'll forget"

Because that is what my xAH did and sure thing, he forgot about me from the first minute. Ouch.

Anyhow... I am with Barbara... now that I look at myself honestly.. how on Earth could I have thought I'd be able to have a healthy relation? I won't engange in anything until I am way healthier.

To me jumping from one to the other does not give me time needed to reflect and I am bound to make the same mistakes but with worse effects. I know that because the xAH WAS a rebound thing and just to think I would have saved myself all this grief if I had learned my mistakes before...o well. I am here now.

Hugs!!

GiveLove

There's nothing in my post - or my life - that indicates that I got over grief by diving right into another serious relationship...that angers me too when people suggest that's the answer to everything! That wouldn't be healthy for me personally.

I got over the grief by doing several things:

--Working with a counselor to identify the things in my life that I missed, ergo what I loved
--Building more of the things I cared about deeply into my life so that there was an undercurrent of joy that ran through my days (painting, an exercise form I loved, serving my community, working with animals, working here)
--Treating myself as the most important person in my life, and not tolerating unhealthy relationships any more, whether that be from a loved one, an acquaintance, my vet, whatever
--Putting myself in places where I could build friendships, effectively populating my life with people who cared about me. I took several workshops in things I was interested in, and still enjoy the friendships I made with the "kindred spirits" I found there.
--Continuing to explore relationships with the opposite sex - in my case under a "doctor's supervision" I spoke often with my counselor about my experiences, and he helped me through the process of healing my broken places and developing strong loving relationships again.

Part of my grief was that I felt no one would ever find me attractive again, and that I was somehow less of a woman because "he" had chosen others - including alcohol - over me. I wasn't just grieving him. I was also grieving a part of me I thought had been lost. Continuing to develop relationship skills (with help) proved to me that wasn't true, and allowed me to seek companions without fear of "messing it up again."

Surrounded by happiness and focused on my own dreams and my own learnings, "he" faded much more quickly from my consciousness. Which was good for him AND good for me.

Also, just like with an alcoholic, I guess I needed to WANT to get better first. As long as I wore my grief like some kind of honor badge -- and believe me, I did -- I stayed in the pit for a long time.

Just my experience.....I understand if it's not relevant to anyone else. I know now that life is truly too short for me to fixate on one human being out of six billion, pinning all my happiness on them....it just took a lot of work to remember that LOL

Prairie, you're such a good person......I hope and pray this feeling will not last long for you. There is a whole life full of many different kinds of joy ahead.