jaguarpcb

I haven't posted in a few days and wanted to post a thanks and an update.

Thank you to the person who posted about stepchat.com. I attended a meeting there Friday night, and it was very moving. I even shared (much easier to do online than in person). It strengthened my resolve to go to an in person meeting. I had left a message with the Detroit Al-anon office, I was worried that the meeting info on their website was only as current as the rest of the info (IOW, not at all). The woman I talked to Saturday said the meeting info is generally current. She gave me some meeting locations/dates for the town to our south, and they matched what's on the website, so for now I'm gonna just trust the website and try to hit a couple meetings each week. She said I should make sure I tell someone at the meeting that I'm new, and they should have a newcomers packet with local meeting info. What was really nice was that another woman called me Sunday to make sure someone had gotten in touch with me.

I'm really looking forward to attending a meeting. Let me just tell you, that's really saying something! I don't like new groups of people, don't much like meeting new people, I'm a home body and couch potato.....the fact that I'm really looking forward to it just goes to show how much I need this.

AH is doing great. He still hasn't gotten the info on the secular 12 step group he asked for....hopefully they'll send that soon. In the meantime he's loving the support here at SR, and today is day 14.

I'm getting more and more detached. It's not easy, and neither of us wants to completely detach (we are each other's best friends, we each want to be here to support the other), but we're both trying hard to own our own sh!t and deal with it accordingly. We've talked, and laid out my plans for if he ever binges again (I'll try to get him to just go to bed, not difficult really, but if he refuses I'm going out for dinner and a movie, and hopefully he'll be sleeping when I get home). As he tells more people about quitting drinking, I'll have more options for places to go/people to call. Attending in person al-anon meetings will hopefully help increase my network too.

Part of me is very hopeful....maybe this reall is it, maybe he's really going to grow up and deal with it....he's never sincerely tried to quit drinking before, and this does feel different than all the previous attempts at control....maybe this is really going to take this time. While reading here is helping me work on myself, it's not helping me stay optimistic. I read of relapses, sometimes after decades of sobriety and it terrifies me. I'm not doing good at the whole one day at a time thing. I worry a lot about the future. But I'm trying really hard to just appreciate today, enjoy the blessings I've been given today, and worry about tomorrow when it comes.

Thank you SR, you've been such a huge help in all of this. :ghug

DesertEyes

Hey there Jaguar, and thanx for the update. I'm glad SR was able to be of service to you. Come back and let us know what you think of the real-life meets. There's a lot of people here who are afraid to attend one, and your report could be very useful. I know I sat in the parking lot of several before I worked up the guts to walk in.

and congrats to your hubb on day 14, that is awesome

Mike

jaguarpcb

I went to a real life meeting Monday. The people there were very nice, but there were only 3 other people, and they were all dealing with alcoholic adult children. So as welcoming as they were, I think I'm going to keep looking for a group that suits me a bit better, hopefully something a bigger group with more people dealing with spouses. I'm planning on hitting a couple meetings a week until I find the right group. I think I'll go to one tomorrow.

I also plan on hitting the used book store (it's actually close to where tomorrow's meeting is) and trying to find a copy of Codependent No More, and maybe a copy of How Alanon Works for Friends and Family of Alcoholics.....or am I jumping the gun on that one? They read from it at the meeting I attended, is that common, or does each group read from something different?

silkspin

Jaguar, good for you for taking such a difficult step and attending a face to face! I really hope that it helps you. And good for your hubby too, glad to hear it.
I found that meetings started to work their 'magic' very subtly. I worried a lot about a lot and after learning and reading and going to meetings, I was able to slowly start letting go and doing the one day at a time better than I had been. One member even told me that sometimes it's 20 min at a time!

jaguarpcb

I'll be honest, I would have preferred a larger group where I could have just sat in the back and observed, but at least I got that first meeting out of the way.

I'm having trouble being patient with myself right now. I see the problem, why isn't it fixed yet? But, I have to keep reminding myself, it took us 11 years to get where we are now...it's only been 2 weeks, I'm not going to get healthy in just 2 weeks.

Chrysalis123

I like both of those books, and found them both helpful in my recovery.* Personally, I learn much from reading and rereading certain books.* My therapist calls it "bibliotherapy"!* So, I do not think you are jumping the gun in wanting to read 2 books.* Amazon.com also has used books that are often a very good deal.As for what happens in meetings, it varies according to the meeting.* My home group meeting is called a "Step Meeting".* Each month we work on that months step.* January-step 1, Feb-step 2, etc (works out great with 12 steps and 12 months).* We read from differentAlanon books and then have shares.* The last week of each month is a tradition meeting.* For this meeting we read from Alanon literature about that months's tradition (also 12 traditions) and then share.* If a new person is at a meeting we often do a "step 1" meeting no matter what month it is.* In the meeting I attend we only read from Alanon approved literature. Hope that helps.

silkspin

Oh I hear you!!!! We're just over a month into recovery and I'm having all sorts of issues (will be posting a sep. thread so I don't hijack yours!). It's enough to make me crazy sometimes!

jaguarpcb

Thanks Chrysalis.....the meeting I went to Monday was much like you described, working on the step for the month, except that I was there so we talked about step one. It was very informal because it was so small. I know it's my own thing, but I felt compelled to share because it was just such a small group. It would have felt really really strange having them share in such an intimate setting and then just not sharing. It was fine, I really didn't mind sharing in such a small group, I just wish I had found a larger group where I could just sit back and listen so I could just get a feel for how things run. I was a bit uncomfortable just being thrown in.

It was a lesson in listening and not offering advice though. There were a lot of things I would have said if the one woman were a friend or family member and we were talking alone.....because we were in a meeting I was forced to just listen. I always want to offer advice. But I have to learn to stop doing that.

Later that evening at home I started offering advice to my husband.....I caught myself, and stopped. But hubby is so used to me helping him with things that he wanted me to go ahead and tell him what I was thinking. But isn't that just the crux of the issue? He needs to learn to take care of himself, and I need to learn to let him, to stop trying to control how he does things, trying to make him do it my way, etc. Me offering that advice was wrong, but so was his saying "No, go ahead, I want to know what you think" because it plays to his desire to not have to be a grown up and figure it out on his own. I need to not just not offer the advice....if I stop myself and he says "go ahead" I need to decline.

jaguarpcb

Silkspin....my husband finds it amusing, because I'm always telling him he needs to be patient about things. Now here I am being so impatient with myself. He's getting a kick out of teasing me by saying "You just have to be paaaattttieeennnttt" which is exactly what I say to him when he gets impatient, lol.

silkspin

ha, it's funny how similar we are. Once I started attending meetings/reading books, I wanted to read him stuff, tell him what I was learning, and too, had to catch myself! I had new ammunition to 'fix him'! It's tough for sure after doing it for so long, to hold my tongue and start thinking of myself first...

jaguarpcb

My biggest thing is pushing him to do things that I think he would benefit from...Last summer I pushed him into therapy. The first therapist was a hard-line abstinence addiction specialist....neither of us was ready to admit that abstinence was the only way for hubby to get healthy, we both still thought he could control it....I don't know if she saw something in him, or if that's her stance with all of her patients, but it really rubbed hubby the wrong way. So then I pushed him to see my therapist, and he went a couple times....but things were good, he was doing some new work he loved, he wasn't drinking much at all, we were happy.....so she didn't see a need for him to continue with therapy.

This time I'm trying to push him into meetings....I know he won't do AA, can't deal with the "Higher power" spiritual aspect of it, but he found a secular group and still wants to try having SR be his only support. He says that if he finds it's not enough he'll look into the meetings.....sounds similar to "I want to try to control it, and if I find it's not enough then I'll quit drinking." I think he would benefit from meetings, the same way I hope to benefit....having people in real life who I can relate to, who've been where I'm at, who can help me out of this pit of codependency, and maybe I can even make a few real life friends. I think he could have all that too.....but that doesn't give me the right to push him into it. In fact, pushing him into it will likely slow his recovery. So I really need to work on letting his recovery be his own.

BTW, I notice you are in Toronto....we spent most of our honeymoon in Toronto....really great place, we really enjoyed it!

silkspin

it's a nice place - but now we've moved to Montreal (about 4 hrs east) to where I'm originally from. Whereabouts in the city were you when you honeymooned?

I did the exact same thing as you. I pushed him to try a few recovery programs at the mental health hospital. I pushed him to see a therapist and that didn't work. I read and hear all sorts of things that I think he'll benefit from too - the operational term being "I THINK". I can think all sorts of things, but the benefit is only from my perspective and I have to keep reminding myself that I just can't do it. It's getting easier now. I don't truly know what's best for him. I read a book recently called 'you can be happy' (richard carlson i think) where he talks about separate realities. Understanding that everyone has a separate reality with different things feeding it from birth, it makes perfect sense that someone sees life differently than me, it's expected. VERY TRUE!!! The damned thing that pulls on me always is learning something then thinking - it's so insightful, it's so him, if I don't tell him he may never come across it......hard to resist.

jaguarpcb

We stayed west of town in a cheap hotel....but it had a jacuzzi tub, lol, and on a honeymoon that's pretty important! It was nice though. We had a great time, saw Phantom, saw the city, I chickened out the day we were supposed to go to the top of the CN tower, but it was a good time. Then we went to Niagara, was just supposed to be for a night but we got totally sucked into all the touristy stuff and stayed an extra night. The guy at the hotel looked really insulted when I asked how come the extra day was so much more expensive....he sounded kinda snotty when he replied "It's Thanksgiving!" Well, excuse my American ignorance, lol.

We really liked the vibe there.....growing up around Detroit we're still both a bit surprised to find cities that size where people are friendly!

Yeah, I have the same problem. Doesn't help that we're really best friends and he wants my help and advice and support.....I just really think it's time for him to grow up and learn to deal with life himself....I'm here to support him, but I need to support what he's doing, not provide him with all the answers I think will work for him. Even if they are perfect answers for him, it's not my job to find them.

jaguarpcb

I went to my second alanon meeting last night. I felt more comfortable in this group. I'll try a few more groups, but I'd be comfortable going back to last nights group if I don't find an even more comfortable one.

Something I realized last night, thanks to some of the things others in the group were sharing, is that I feel relieved now that I've handed my husband's responsibilities over to him. It's not my job to remind him to take his evening cholesterol pill. It's not my job to remind him to call the doctor when he needs a new prescription. It's not my job to remind him of anything! I have enough trouble remembering my own stuff, it's such a relief not to have to remember his too!

And it's not my job to help him get healthy. I'm being supportive, but his health is his responsibility. I'm so grateful that he's embracing sobriety, because at least for now I don't have to learn to stop feeling like I have to watch how much he drinks. Hopefully if he ever relapses I'll have gotten along in my own recovery far enough to not let it set me back too far.

I realized something this morning while talking with a friend about all of this. I participate in forums about marriage and relationships a lot. I give advice to people there. I've given relationship advice to friends of mine in real life. My friends have been so grateful that they've said I should write an advice column. So I started a relationship advice blog. I've neglected it the last couple months cuz nobody was asking for advice, I was having to snag topics from the forums I participate in. Anyway, one of the things I say most often is that you have to accept and love your partner for who they are, not who they were or who you wish they would be.

I thought I was accepting my husband that way. But I really wasn't. I was in total denial about his ability to control his drinking, or rather his lack of control. I accepted his lack of desire to grow up and deal with life as most adults his age, and felt this meant I was accepting him as he was.....but maybe tolerate is a better word.....and I shouldn't have tolerated that. I tolerated behavior I shouldn't have tolerated, and refused to see the truth of his alcoholism.....I went against all of the relationship advice I've ever given people! Funny how easy it is to see the mistakes others make and completely miss your own!

So today I'm grateful for my own insight, for my husband's sobriety, for my own recovery, for alanon and SR.