timetogo

I know in my logical mind that I cannot control what my AH does. I know that "the bed he makes is the one that HE will have to lie in". I know that I should focus on myself and what I need to do ONE DAY AT A TIME.

I know these things but I still am "awfulizing" and "assuming the worst". He left yesterday at 1 pm to go "look at apartments". I went out for a much needed girls night last night and got home today. He is not here (which is what I want) and has not been seen or heard from since yesterday. I am so filled with anxiety -- is he in jail, is he dead, is he with another woman (doesn't really matter) but on and on and on my mind races. I am trying to tell myself that I have to "let go and let God" and that there is nothing I can do if any of the things my gut is stressing over have happened.

What do others do to get past this "negative" thinking? Of assuming the worst and being so scared of "what has happened now". I get so mad at myself for letting his choices affect me this way -- why is it so hard to let go?:wtf2

kj3880

Pray. That's what I do. And he's getting out of your life, is that right? Good for you. Stick to it. Life is so much better on my own than when I was with an alcoholic, and from when I was with an addict, even though he was "in recovery." It wasn't good for me. I worry too much. I need to either be alone, or be with someone I can rock-solid trust. Being alone is so peaceful.

KJ

Daisy30

I too used to do this.

Some ways I get past it are to think about what I would do if one of those things were true.
"What if he were in jail?" would I go get him? NO ....okay then why am I even worrying.

Sometimes it also works to limit your time of obsessing over something. I know it sounds silly but it works.
It goes something like this: I will only worry about this for 30 minutes and each time the situation comes up allow yourself less and less time to "think/worry" about it.
((()))

blessed4x

ttg..........I do the same thing. My AH left this morning without telling me. I thought he was out in the garage, went to tell him I was leaving to pick up one of our kids, and he is gone. Cell phone is off, naturally. His truck is here, and I searched the house high and low and no AH. I guess someone picked him up. I go between being angry he "disappeared" and relieved he's not here, and try not to feel anxiety about the shape he'll be in when and if he returns.

I wish I had advice for you, but can only offer support that you are not alone. (((hugs)))

timetogo

thanks everyone for your support -- I can't stand that I "let" him do this to me. It is a relief to be alone -- is it consensus that this is part of MY illness (codie ways)?

LaTeeDa

Worrying doesn't prevent anything from happening. It only makes us sick. So, you can worry about what might be going on, or you can enjoy the day and make the best of this moment in your life. Either way, the outcome will be the same regarding him. But, you can decide the outcome for you and your day.

L

peaceteach

Funny how both Anvil and LTD nearly mirrored each other in advice. I found myself just an hour ago saying nearly the same thing to my daughter, regarding her A brother (my son). I think I needed to hear this today too. Worrying, guilt, awfulyzing....only cause the sober, codependent person anguish. They solve absolutely nothing, they don't help the A find sobriety or get clean. They simply cause US pain, kind of like self-inflicted if you know this and still let yourself worry.

Teach yourself ways to stop the worrying. It starts with taking your mind off that person entirely, and putting your mind on yourself and what would be something nice, fun and interesting to do with yourself today. Then do it. Start with one hour. Work into longer increments of time where you work hard at keeping your focus off that person, turning his life over to his own HP. It's not selfish; it's survival, and growth, and the way to a healthier lifestyle.

LaTeeDa

We seem to do that alot. GMTA, I guess, LOL.

L

freya

Worrying does not rob tomorrow of its pain and sorrow; it only robs today of its pleasure and joy.

That's a quotation that appears somewhere in 12 Step literature -- I can't remember what program or what book, but I always remember the quotation.

For me, turning it over is always the answer -- and usually that involves some kind of prayer and meditation. The Fear Prayer (God, release me from this fear and direct my attention to what I can do today to better become the person that You would have me be. -- adapted from an exercise in the Big Book) is usually the one I turn to first, because I love the way it not only focuses me on turning it over but also on what I should be doing instead of obsessing about it.

It's not easy to get out of the worry habit -- but, really it can be done. I'd say 12 or 14 years ago, I was probably up 3 or 4 mights a week obsessing about things that I could not do anything about -- especially in the middle of the night. At this point, even when I have something to worry about, I rarely keep myself awake with it -- even once or twice a month would be a lot now.

freya

redhot78

At this point in time I have had to put my A son completely out of my mind, at least as best as I can. Silly as it may sound, I've removed almost every picture of him from my home, because looking at them actually causes me physical pain. I unplug the phone when I go to bed at night in case he calls me at 2 am during one of his all night drunks. I haven't seen or spoken to him in almost one month. I love him with all my heart, but I can't stand living in this horrible fear state that I've spent much of the last 5 years in, always terrified that the "worst" is going to happen. An al-anon friend calls it "catastrophizing," I guess that's the same as "awfulizing!"

He knows I love him and I'm here for him when he decides to get help (I won't give up hope that the day WILL come!). I pray for him everyday, and I'm so thankful to God that He's teaching me how to have some peace in my life. This is the closest I've ever come to "letting go and letting God"...

Redhot

inahaze

You're very right. When my son was little I was shoved into the world of specialists, hospitals and tests. For the first year everywhere I went added a new diagnosis and doctor, I was so overwhelmed, sick, and depressed all the time I thought I would explode. Here I had a perfect baby that suddenly had some little glitches! It took me a little while to step back and quit expecting the worse from everything I was told.

Whew, I could breathe again.

You can't focus your entire life on preventing or changing something, it will have a negative impact. Many times things aren't nearly as worse as we anticipate.

chrisea

Being alone is so peaceful.

When he finally does move on with his life... it may take a while, for you to cease replaying the drama. When it ease up, you get this amazing smile

silkspin

timetogo, I sympathize. I feel that I have been doing the same thing in my situation. But along with the worry and stress over so much, I have a pit of rage in my stomach the last few days that meditation and reading hasn't been able to get rid of and I don't know what to do about it. Hugs!

MeHandle

Worrying can change nothing except what our own state of being becomes because of it. Its outcome is not good.


Jesus said to the crowd:
Who by worrying can add a single hour to his own life?
So do not worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will worry about itself.

Bernadette

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.


peace-
b