Help!! Is my husband an alcoholic??
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 185
Help!! Is my husband an alcoholic??
Ok, I am new to this forum and just stumbled upon it after looking for some kind of information to help me. I think my husband is an alcoholic, he doesn't think so. He does not drink everyday. In fact, only about twice per month. But, when he does drink, he drinks so much that he doesn't know where he was, who he was with, or how he got from point A to point B. He doesn't come home after drinking. This is mostly because I do not want him here when he is in that condition. I found I would be up all night waiting and he would either not show up at all or if he did, he would snore so loud and I would be so angry that I wouldn't get any sleep anyway. Like I said, this happens about twice a month. It seems to me that as soon as he has a drink, he can't stop. Is he an alcoholic?? He has gotten to the point where when he is sober and in a decent mood, (which doesn't happen very often), he will say that maybe he should just quit. But, usually he truly feels that since he only does it a couple of times a month, what is the big deal? His father drinks hard liquor everyday as does his brother. I believe they are both alcoholics. My husband is with his "wonderful" brother tonight after just going out 2 weeks ago and blacking out. He had no idea of the events of the evening. Tonight, I told him not to come back. I am very upset as I have 4 children and have basically stayed this long because of them. I feel that the fighting may be worse for them than going through a divorce at this point. The oldest is happy about it. She seems angry towards her father. My son is not happy about it, seems a little nervous. And the 2 younger ones just don't understand because of their age. I don't want them growing up thinking that this is what a family should be like. Any advice???
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
An alcoholic is someone abnormally affected by alcohol. It doesn't matter if he drinks once every 7 years, IMHO if he has this type of reaction to alcohol he is alcoholic.
So now what? What are you going to do for yourself and those kids?
So now what? What are you going to do for yourself and those kids?
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Welcome! You've come to a great place to get support and information. Try reading the "stickies" at the top of the page....there's enough info there to keep you busy for a while! I don't think anyone here will be able to tell you if your husband is an alcoholic......that's something he will have to figure out. BUT, if his drinking is a problem for you, and it's causing stress within your family, then it's definately a problem.
I also have 4 kiddos, ranging in age from 16 to 4, so I know exactly where you are coming from. My AH's drinking used to be sporadic like yours, but it increased to a case a day sometime last year. I've been reading everything I can get my hands on, learning all about my role in the family dynamics, and am giving therapy a whirl. With 4 VERY busy kids I've not been able to get to alanon, but I hear it is also a huge help in situations like ours.
I hope you stick around. It's a great place with many amazing people.
I also have 4 kiddos, ranging in age from 16 to 4, so I know exactly where you are coming from. My AH's drinking used to be sporadic like yours, but it increased to a case a day sometime last year. I've been reading everything I can get my hands on, learning all about my role in the family dynamics, and am giving therapy a whirl. With 4 VERY busy kids I've not been able to get to alanon, but I hear it is also a huge help in situations like ours.
I hope you stick around. It's a great place with many amazing people.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 185
Thanks for the quick replies. I haven't even looked at any of the information on the website, just basically registered and posted. Seems to be a therapy for me to sit here and get my thoughts out. I am a self-employed stay-at-home mom of 4 kids ranging from 2-9. I am an accountant so this is my very busy time with year-end filings and taxes. I am getting no help with the kids from my husband who is currently on unemployment and just working about one day a week. He was supposed to watch kids today and keep them out of my hair so I could meet deadlines but instead he chose to leave the house at 8:30 this morning and spend the day with his brother. That always means trouble. Anyway, I am feeling very angry right now that his drinking is more important than my job. He won't be coming home tonight. I have a big workday tomorrow even though it is Sunday because it is the first of the month so I have lots of payrolls to do. I will have to get a babysitter because he won't make it home to watch the kids. I am mad, embarrassed, ashamed of myself for thinking he would be a good dad. I feel that my poor choice will affect my kids for the rest of their lives. They despise his behavior but watch what they say in front of him as they know he will lash out at me if they appear to be on my side, so to speak. I don't want there to be sides and would never try to make them dislike their father. Any feelings they have are based on their own observations. My husband says I brainwash them. That is ridiculous. I have tried to shelter them in anyway I can. They are my number one priority. Anyway, tomorrow will be a long day again, trying to get my work done and being physically and emotionally exhausted. I have been through this so many times it's almost like you just get used to it and come to expect it. What has my life become?
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Probably the thing that has helped me the most is giving up expectations. I quit expecting him to act like the responsible, reliable adult that I wish he was. I know that I can't leave the (little) kids alone with him because he will pass out and they will be left to run amuck. I know that he will not be emotionally available for me when I need someone to "be there". It is very much like having another child. Tonight he sat downstairs on the computer, ear buds in, listening to music and singing way off-key at the top of his lungs.
I have no intentions of living like this indefinately. I've been to an attorney to see what it will take to get the divorce ball rolling. I had several things I needed to get through before I felt I could move forward. It is so hard with kids involved, but hearing the stories and getting the support from members here who are adult children of alcoholics has made my resolve stronger. It sounds like you are in a good place to be able to support your kids if need be. You and your children are going to be just fine.
I have no intentions of living like this indefinately. I've been to an attorney to see what it will take to get the divorce ball rolling. I had several things I needed to get through before I felt I could move forward. It is so hard with kids involved, but hearing the stories and getting the support from members here who are adult children of alcoholics has made my resolve stronger. It sounds like you are in a good place to be able to support your kids if need be. You and your children are going to be just fine.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I feel that the fighting may be worse for them than going through a divorce at this point.
I certainly can't tell you whether your H is an alcoholic - but I can tell you that this line from your post is absolutely 100% true!
welcome - and read around the site...and keep posting!
peace,
b
I certainly can't tell you whether your H is an alcoholic - but I can tell you that this line from your post is absolutely 100% true!
welcome - and read around the site...and keep posting!
peace,
b
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
Originally Posted by sillysquirrel 
I think my husband is an alcoholic, he doesn't think so. He does not drink everyday. In fact, only about twice per month. But, when he does drink, he drinks so much that he doesn't know where he was, who he was with, or how he got from point A to point B. Is he an alcoholic?? Any advice???
If it looks like it, smells like it and tastes like it, that's probably what it is. You have to look out for you and your family. Its really up to you, but if he doesn't believe there is a problem, then nothing will change. If you give an ultimatum, you will probably find that there is little follow through. It is up to you, but as long as he continues to add alcohol to his system, it will only get worse. Best wishes. I will say this, there was a time in my life I really wanted to leave. Thing is I couldn't find a way to leave myself. I had to change. You would find it much easier to leave as you aren't the problem.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi sillysquirrel,
Just chiming in to say hello and welcome.
A lot of us here have learned that it doesn't matter whether there's airtight "proof" that someone can be labeled an Alcoholic with a big A. What matters is that his behaviors around alcohol are hurting you, hurting your kids' happiness, and hurting himself.
There is probably a lot going on right now that isn't about drinking. Irresponsibility, not holding up his end of the marriage, bad disposition, likelihood this is going to escalate over time, not coming home (that is a serious deal-breaker for me) and other things that are triggering your feelings of self-preservation for yourself and your kids. You seem to know instinctively that HE has to make the decision to stop, and you can't make it for him.
I know this is a busy time for you, but you might consider attending an Al-Anon meeting or two to gain local, in person support, and you also might consider a handful of counseling sessions just to get these thoughts and feelings OUT where they're doing more than just bumping around inside you damaging you. It's important to get clear on what you want for yourself and your kids, how likely it is to get that (what your plan is, in terms of boundaries), and what you'll do to protect yourselves if it doesn't happen.
I happen to agree with you that damaging your kids by modeling what "normal marriage" looks like is a real threat in your situation - that's how I grew up, and it took me more years than I'd care to count to get better.
He doesn't HAVE to admit he has a problem, or that he's an Alcoholic, or anything else. You just need to clarify your feelings, decide what you want to live with, state your truth, and be prepared to follow up. (If he decides to get help because of this, all the better, but you should be acting on your own behalf, not as a manipulation to get him to stop.) If that means after the tax season, then so be it. I'm also self-employed and I understand Busy Seasons all too well....
And of course, we're always here for you to post thoughts, ideas, and just get it out on paper.
Just chiming in to say hello and welcome.
A lot of us here have learned that it doesn't matter whether there's airtight "proof" that someone can be labeled an Alcoholic with a big A. What matters is that his behaviors around alcohol are hurting you, hurting your kids' happiness, and hurting himself.
There is probably a lot going on right now that isn't about drinking. Irresponsibility, not holding up his end of the marriage, bad disposition, likelihood this is going to escalate over time, not coming home (that is a serious deal-breaker for me) and other things that are triggering your feelings of self-preservation for yourself and your kids. You seem to know instinctively that HE has to make the decision to stop, and you can't make it for him.
I know this is a busy time for you, but you might consider attending an Al-Anon meeting or two to gain local, in person support, and you also might consider a handful of counseling sessions just to get these thoughts and feelings OUT where they're doing more than just bumping around inside you damaging you. It's important to get clear on what you want for yourself and your kids, how likely it is to get that (what your plan is, in terms of boundaries), and what you'll do to protect yourselves if it doesn't happen.
I happen to agree with you that damaging your kids by modeling what "normal marriage" looks like is a real threat in your situation - that's how I grew up, and it took me more years than I'd care to count to get better.
He doesn't HAVE to admit he has a problem, or that he's an Alcoholic, or anything else. You just need to clarify your feelings, decide what you want to live with, state your truth, and be prepared to follow up. (If he decides to get help because of this, all the better, but you should be acting on your own behalf, not as a manipulation to get him to stop.) If that means after the tax season, then so be it. I'm also self-employed and I understand Busy Seasons all too well....
And of course, we're always here for you to post thoughts, ideas, and just get it out on paper.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 185
Thanks again to everyone that has responded. Sometimes I feel like no one understands what I am going through. Yes, it does feel like another child in the house, only this one does not have to listen and has access to the family bank accounts! I have detached myself from him over the last year or so. I guess it is my way of preparing myself for what may be the inevitable. What I am struggling with is how my kids will handle this AND how I will handle the financial end of it. We have a nice home, live comfortably and are able to buy things as we need them. I can handle a tight budget, but am concerned if I will be able to keep this home that we built and the only home my children have ever known. My kids and I love it here. My husband doesn't, but I am finding that no matter what we are talking about, he is just not happy with it. I have stayed this long because I refuse to uproot my children and remove them from the home they love. I keep thinking that eventually he will leave, but he doesn't. Today, I am quite sure that this week I will be visiting a lawyer just to get some information. I like to plan things out in advance. No harsh decisions for me...I have been pushed to this point once before, but somehow he convinced me that he was going to change. After his last incident 2 weeks ago, I did not get angry. I simply told him I will not go through this again, I will not have this discussion again (regarding his irresponsible drinking, blackouts, driving under the influence, not coming home, etc.) And now, here we are again. I cannot live this way. Oh...it is so hard to make a change.
By the way, I have still not seen or heard from him since yesterday afternoon. Not even a phone call to check in this morning. He knows I have to work this morning and will need someone to watch the kids. I don't think he has anything on his plate until maybe a day of work on Thursday. I on the other hand have work piled to the ceiling and don't know when I will get to it. So whether he is just choosing to be inconsiderate or forgot due to the drunkeness, I do not know. Does it really matter? Yes, I find it easier to have absolutely no expectations.
By the way, I have still not seen or heard from him since yesterday afternoon. Not even a phone call to check in this morning. He knows I have to work this morning and will need someone to watch the kids. I don't think he has anything on his plate until maybe a day of work on Thursday. I on the other hand have work piled to the ceiling and don't know when I will get to it. So whether he is just choosing to be inconsiderate or forgot due to the drunkeness, I do not know. Does it really matter? Yes, I find it easier to have absolutely no expectations.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
My axw lost her job and our mortgage required two incomes. Her alcoholism stopped her from regaining employment. We lost our home.
In retrospect, this loss was as much my fault even though I never missed a paycheck. I could have kept our home if I'd been willing to take in boarders. We even had an apt out back, the house was so big I could have easily had 3 renters, and pretty much had the mortgage paid for us.
In a college town this would have been easy to do, but I was still stuck in my black and white thinking. My bad.
Perhaps you could benefit from a renter if your husband was out. Doesn't sound like he contributes much to the mix any way.
Good luck, and keep coming back.
Thanks and God bless us all, :ghug
Coyote
In retrospect, this loss was as much my fault even though I never missed a paycheck. I could have kept our home if I'd been willing to take in boarders. We even had an apt out back, the house was so big I could have easily had 3 renters, and pretty much had the mortgage paid for us.
In a college town this would have been easy to do, but I was still stuck in my black and white thinking. My bad.
Perhaps you could benefit from a renter if your husband was out. Doesn't sound like he contributes much to the mix any way.
Good luck, and keep coming back.
Thanks and God bless us all, :ghug
Coyote
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Originally Posted by sillysquirrel
I feel that my poor choice will affect my kids for the rest of their lives.
Sillysquirrel, do you have any friends or family in your town that you could lean on for support? A mom who can babysit while you have take care of the business end of this. I think you're doing everything right - talking to a lawyer, detaching yourself. If you haven't already done so, separate your finances. Stop contributing to your joint account.
Somebody correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like your kids KNOW the family is unhappy (me and my siblings did when it came to our miserable mom and AF). My two cents: if you're going to do this, keep communication open with your kids. Let them know that you love them, and you're not going anywhere. If they can see that mom is strong and makes things happen, they'll trust you and happiness will come naturally.
FWIW I remember my mom tried to separate from my AF once, but she gave in and went back to him. The message was "why support mom? she doesn't do what she says she's going to do." That's been true to this day (she's still miserable, and he hasn't changed much except for again; twenty years later when the family does get together, we do our share of sitting around feeling miserable and dancing around the AF). I'm not saying you're like this, but I do want to add a data point.
Definitely surround yourself with support. Whatever you decide (divorce, couples counselling, etc.), don't go through it alone if you don't have to. Even if this forum is your only support, post when you feel isolated. Good luck!
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
Your story is very parallel with what I have lived with for 10 years of my 27 year relationship with my AH. It is so hard to think about leaving my nice home, the one we built and the only one my almost grown children have ever known. Coupled with the fact of my extreme low self esteem and defeated "self-messages" of 'how will anybody every want me at 43 years of age". I am working on that. And actually feeling ok about the prospect of not having to worry about anyone but myself and my kids.
I can tell you that my AH's behaviour was very similar -- once every six weeks or so. Wouldn't come home -- the same sh*t. It has escaleted into a very costly cocaine habit. He is not the same person he was -- it has had severe effects on him. I'm very scared and worried that financially, I won't be able to make it. But if I stay, he will ruin us financially.
The decision is pretty much made and I consider us separated even though we live in the same house at the moment (he keeps saying he is moving out but ACTION is what I want right now). I am standing strong at the moment that the kids and I shouldn't have to leave -- he should. I do know that what has helped me is "taking it one day at a time". I don't have to make every important decision today (which is what I wanted to do about a month ago). I take on little decisions and work on them. It is helping me accept the reality of my situation and to work through it with thought instead of in "crisis".
It sounds to me like you are thinking it through. There came a point when I just knew I couldn't take it any more -- it was like surrendering to my reality and has been liberating.
I hope you keep coming back here -- it has been very helpful for me to know that I'm not the only one facing these life altering decisions.
I can tell you that my AH's behaviour was very similar -- once every six weeks or so. Wouldn't come home -- the same sh*t. It has escaleted into a very costly cocaine habit. He is not the same person he was -- it has had severe effects on him. I'm very scared and worried that financially, I won't be able to make it. But if I stay, he will ruin us financially.
The decision is pretty much made and I consider us separated even though we live in the same house at the moment (he keeps saying he is moving out but ACTION is what I want right now). I am standing strong at the moment that the kids and I shouldn't have to leave -- he should. I do know that what has helped me is "taking it one day at a time". I don't have to make every important decision today (which is what I wanted to do about a month ago). I take on little decisions and work on them. It is helping me accept the reality of my situation and to work through it with thought instead of in "crisis".
It sounds to me like you are thinking it through. There came a point when I just knew I couldn't take it any more -- it was like surrendering to my reality and has been liberating.
I hope you keep coming back here -- it has been very helpful for me to know that I'm not the only one facing these life altering decisions.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 185
Just a little update... My husband has not made it home yet. We had a family get-together today for the SuperBowl, something the kids have been looking forward to for 2 weeks. Our original plan was for all of us to go. After him not showing up last night or this morning I have not been unable to get any work done. I thought maybe he could take the kids to the party and I would stay home to have a few hours of quiet and get some reports filed, then I could go pick the kids up from the party (to prevent them from riding in a vehicle with their drunk father). Had to have a babysitter come over this morning since he didn't show up. Anyway, he promised to be home to take the kids to the party. He knew the kids were waiting for him. He called when he was 1-1/2 hours late to say he was too drunk to drive and would not be coming home until tomorrow. What's the big deal!! Why can't you take the kids to the party?? He just doesn't get it. So, because the kiddos were so looking forward to it, I once again put off my work to take them for a little while. Now they are mad at me for leaving the party early, I am upset with them for being ungrateful and I am pissed that once again I got nothing done. I will end up losing my business if I don't find a way to make this work and that is the last thing I need.
A new occurrence today though... When he called to say he wouldn't be coming home (surprise, surprise!!) I told him that it seems he doesn't care how upset I am with him or how he has once again let down the kids. All he wanted to do while we were on the phone was just hang up and get back to his brother and the drinking so they could drink until they passed out. He agreed. He actually admitted that that is really all he wants right now, today. Tomorrow will be a different story. I was just so mad at him that I couldn't help but lay into him a little and instead of arguing with me (like he usually does) he just kept saying "I understand". It's like he knows what a jerk he is but just doesn't care.
As far as my husband's financial contribution to the family, he actually does have a pretty good job but he only works April-November and is unemployed during the winter months. He does collect unemployment and he brags that he gets paid to do nothing so why should he help me out with household chores or the kids. He is the bigger breadwinner. I could make much more than I do but with 4 kids, 2 of which are toddlers, I just don't have time. I quit my job at a CPA firm 3-1/2 years ago when my 3rd child was born. The money that I make along with money saved from not having to pay for daycare or gas has turned out to be beneficial for us. But, as those of you self-employed people know, it is very hard to work from home. When my husband has to work, he has to go at a specific time. Because my hours are flexible, it seems that I don't count.
I told my mom today that I am going to try and see a lawyer this week. She usually tries to defend my hubby and urges me to give it time. Today was different. She actually seemed like she understood that it was a good decision to have made.
My oldest daughter asked me today "Mom, why did you even marry Dad?"
A new occurrence today though... When he called to say he wouldn't be coming home (surprise, surprise!!) I told him that it seems he doesn't care how upset I am with him or how he has once again let down the kids. All he wanted to do while we were on the phone was just hang up and get back to his brother and the drinking so they could drink until they passed out. He agreed. He actually admitted that that is really all he wants right now, today. Tomorrow will be a different story. I was just so mad at him that I couldn't help but lay into him a little and instead of arguing with me (like he usually does) he just kept saying "I understand". It's like he knows what a jerk he is but just doesn't care.
As far as my husband's financial contribution to the family, he actually does have a pretty good job but he only works April-November and is unemployed during the winter months. He does collect unemployment and he brags that he gets paid to do nothing so why should he help me out with household chores or the kids. He is the bigger breadwinner. I could make much more than I do but with 4 kids, 2 of which are toddlers, I just don't have time. I quit my job at a CPA firm 3-1/2 years ago when my 3rd child was born. The money that I make along with money saved from not having to pay for daycare or gas has turned out to be beneficial for us. But, as those of you self-employed people know, it is very hard to work from home. When my husband has to work, he has to go at a specific time. Because my hours are flexible, it seems that I don't count.
I told my mom today that I am going to try and see a lawyer this week. She usually tries to defend my hubby and urges me to give it time. Today was different. She actually seemed like she understood that it was a good decision to have made.
My oldest daughter asked me today "Mom, why did you even marry Dad?"
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
I think you will feel better after you have seen the lawyer. Be sure to get a reference for a good one. My AH makes less than I do and he would still have to pay over $800.00 a month, and that is based on joint custody. I was told he would have to pay more the fewer days a year he has them. He's already told me he wants NO custody, no visitation, but he would like the schedules for their games (they're all in sports) because "he does enjoy seeing them". Funny that he has missed 90% of their games when he's actually living with them.
I'm good with all of that. Having them spend time with him and put them in a situation where he may drink and drive with them is one reason I put off doing anything. I don't want to stick it to him either. I know he will have bills to pay, so I'm looking at negotiating keeping the house (we have ALOT of equity) to lower what he pays. Just visiting with the attorney helped me see how twisted my thinking is. Sitting there, talking with her about divorcing my husband, I was still worried about being too hard on him and how he would get by. I WAS (past tense) that codependent! And I'm working with an attorney who sees women and men in our situation every day and was smart enough to snap me back to reality.
I am glad you have the support of your mom. I'm sorry your children (and mine) are learning that this is how a dad should behave. Thankfully that can all change.
I'm good with all of that. Having them spend time with him and put them in a situation where he may drink and drive with them is one reason I put off doing anything. I don't want to stick it to him either. I know he will have bills to pay, so I'm looking at negotiating keeping the house (we have ALOT of equity) to lower what he pays. Just visiting with the attorney helped me see how twisted my thinking is. Sitting there, talking with her about divorcing my husband, I was still worried about being too hard on him and how he would get by. I WAS (past tense) that codependent! And I'm working with an attorney who sees women and men in our situation every day and was smart enough to snap me back to reality.
I am glad you have the support of your mom. I'm sorry your children (and mine) are learning that this is how a dad should behave. Thankfully that can all change.
If you are lost, stand still
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: James Island, SC
Posts: 159
Bernadette, I agree. My parents fought so much when I was a kid, I remember wishing as early as 4th grade that they would get divorced!
SillySquirrel - My youngest brother is like your husband - he doesn't crave alcohol, he doesn't keep it in his apartment, but if he happens to take one drink (usually around friends), he just can't stop. It's like alcohol flips a switch in his brain that makes him a different person. He says he feels like Jekyll and Hyde. This is definitely alcoholism. I feel bad for him because it's nothing to do with his lifestyle - it's primarily neurological. It's not his fault. Yet it IS his responsibility. He hasn't been to AA yet, but he tells me he wants and needs to go.
I told him months ago what 12-step meetings were like, from my experience (I started going to ACA meetings over a year ago), but I didn't nag him to go. If someone wants to change, they will get there in their own time. And he is getting closer.
If your husband doesn't really want to change, hard as it may be to detach from him, you have to protect yourself and your children.
SillySquirrel - My youngest brother is like your husband - he doesn't crave alcohol, he doesn't keep it in his apartment, but if he happens to take one drink (usually around friends), he just can't stop. It's like alcohol flips a switch in his brain that makes him a different person. He says he feels like Jekyll and Hyde. This is definitely alcoholism. I feel bad for him because it's nothing to do with his lifestyle - it's primarily neurological. It's not his fault. Yet it IS his responsibility. He hasn't been to AA yet, but he tells me he wants and needs to go.
I told him months ago what 12-step meetings were like, from my experience (I started going to ACA meetings over a year ago), but I didn't nag him to go. If someone wants to change, they will get there in their own time. And he is getting closer.
If your husband doesn't really want to change, hard as it may be to detach from him, you have to protect yourself and your children.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 185
Well, absentfriend, my H and your brother have alot in common. My H does not drink at home. The only time he does is on the very rare occasion (once a month or so) when I mix myself ONE white russian and make one for him too. It seems that when he is in my presence he can control it, whether it is at a party, family get-together, etc. If I am with him, he can have a few drinks and stop. But I am sure that is because he doesn't have the luxury of pounding his drinks and getting disgustingly drunk because I make him take me home first. Many times though, we just go to events separately so I can leave when I want. He will stay and do his thing and come home the next day or maybe 2 days later. If he has a drink and I am not present he will not stop until he passes out. But he doesn't drink everyday. It is something that used to be once every 3 months or so and over the past year or so has escalated into every 2-3 weeks. I could handle the every 3 months but I can't take it this often.
He did show up this morning at 7:40 and thought he was my great savior because he got home in time to bring the kiddos to school. They refused to go with him, just wanted mom to bring them. I am glad they have that security with me but am so angry at him for making them distrust him. At this point, they do not want to go anywhere with him unless I go too or they know I will be coming to pick them up. How sad...
My H is a very respected, likeable guy. Many people who know us don't understand why I would want to leave him. He is definitely a people person and is very polite. People don't see the life I have with him though. They don't know how often he is gone or the lies and disrespect he throws at me. Most of his binges are with his brother who lives over an hour away (thank god!) so it isn't really common knowledge how often he is gone. He usually pulls his crap out of town and comes home when the binge is over. I rarely see him drunk. He knows I won't allow it my home. I am not against drinking. I like to have a drink now and then and once or twice a year my girlfriends and I go out and drink a little too much. But the sight of him drunk or even the slightest sign that he has been drinking sickens me.
My mother-in-law sees my side and is not happy with him. She thinks I need some kind of counseling to help me but we have never discussed the divorce issue. We have a wonderful relationship and I love her to death. She is great with the kids and watches them often when I need her. The problem with that is she heads south from Jan-April so won't be home until May. I miss talking to her. She also helps to keep him in line (as much as she can anyway).
I called the lawyers office and am waiting for a call back. Usually by now I would have talked myself out of it but there are no signs of that this time. I am scared...
On another note, I should be filing taxes and instead am on this forum spilling my guts. So now I have that to feel guilty about too...
He did show up this morning at 7:40 and thought he was my great savior because he got home in time to bring the kiddos to school. They refused to go with him, just wanted mom to bring them. I am glad they have that security with me but am so angry at him for making them distrust him. At this point, they do not want to go anywhere with him unless I go too or they know I will be coming to pick them up. How sad...
My H is a very respected, likeable guy. Many people who know us don't understand why I would want to leave him. He is definitely a people person and is very polite. People don't see the life I have with him though. They don't know how often he is gone or the lies and disrespect he throws at me. Most of his binges are with his brother who lives over an hour away (thank god!) so it isn't really common knowledge how often he is gone. He usually pulls his crap out of town and comes home when the binge is over. I rarely see him drunk. He knows I won't allow it my home. I am not against drinking. I like to have a drink now and then and once or twice a year my girlfriends and I go out and drink a little too much. But the sight of him drunk or even the slightest sign that he has been drinking sickens me.
My mother-in-law sees my side and is not happy with him. She thinks I need some kind of counseling to help me but we have never discussed the divorce issue. We have a wonderful relationship and I love her to death. She is great with the kids and watches them often when I need her. The problem with that is she heads south from Jan-April so won't be home until May. I miss talking to her. She also helps to keep him in line (as much as she can anyway).
I called the lawyers office and am waiting for a call back. Usually by now I would have talked myself out of it but there are no signs of that this time. I am scared...
On another note, I should be filing taxes and instead am on this forum spilling my guts. So now I have that to feel guilty about too...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Squirrel,
Okay, so let's do this:
--Try to take a deep breath and do the Next Right Thing: wait for the lawyer's office, and just go there to gather information. That's all. No need to feel scared....you don't have to DO anything about it, just gain the knowledge.
--Go to work for a few hours and set a time to come back here and get a mental health adjustment. Give yourself fifteen minutes, for your personal good. That's what I do when I'm busy but STILL need the support of these great people to get me through my day....it kills the guilt that way
--Try to let go of how your kids feel about him. It is not your responsibility: you did not cause this, you can't control his drinking, you can't cure him of his problems. Let go of what you cannot change.
--Accept this big, big hug from me. I'm wishing my mom had had your strength: :ghug3
Okay, so let's do this:
--Try to take a deep breath and do the Next Right Thing: wait for the lawyer's office, and just go there to gather information. That's all. No need to feel scared....you don't have to DO anything about it, just gain the knowledge.
--Go to work for a few hours and set a time to come back here and get a mental health adjustment. Give yourself fifteen minutes, for your personal good. That's what I do when I'm busy but STILL need the support of these great people to get me through my day....it kills the guilt that way
--Try to let go of how your kids feel about him. It is not your responsibility: you did not cause this, you can't control his drinking, you can't cure him of his problems. Let go of what you cannot change.
--Accept this big, big hug from me. I'm wishing my mom had had your strength: :ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 185
Thanks for the genuine concern I am feeling from all of you.
He is back and in his recliner like everything is fine.
I am so angry that I cannot even speak.
He did see the pile of tax returns waiting for my attention, the sink full of dirty dishes and the laundry on the floor waiting to be folded. Didn't take the initiative to help out with anything but apologized for not being here this weekend to help with the kids. I told him his apology means nothing. He chose to get in his car and leave on Saturday AM knowing how much work I have to do. He chose to be gone all weekend drinking rather than being here and being the loving supportive husband and father that I so desperately want him to be. What good does "I'm Sorry" do ?? He CHOSE to go on a drinking binge. And yet, I truly feel that he is sorry. But, I also know that if he had it to do over again, he wouldn't change a thing.
I despise him. I despise his brother. I worry for my children. I worry for my nephews who are in my brother-in-laws custody. I see families together at the gas station, at sporting events, at the movies, etc. and I just long for a normal marriage and family life. Why does everything have to be so hard?
He is back and in his recliner like everything is fine.
I am so angry that I cannot even speak.
He did see the pile of tax returns waiting for my attention, the sink full of dirty dishes and the laundry on the floor waiting to be folded. Didn't take the initiative to help out with anything but apologized for not being here this weekend to help with the kids. I told him his apology means nothing. He chose to get in his car and leave on Saturday AM knowing how much work I have to do. He chose to be gone all weekend drinking rather than being here and being the loving supportive husband and father that I so desperately want him to be. What good does "I'm Sorry" do ?? He CHOSE to go on a drinking binge. And yet, I truly feel that he is sorry. But, I also know that if he had it to do over again, he wouldn't change a thing.
I despise him. I despise his brother. I worry for my children. I worry for my nephews who are in my brother-in-laws custody. I see families together at the gas station, at sporting events, at the movies, etc. and I just long for a normal marriage and family life. Why does everything have to be so hard?
Getting better every day!
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Clinton Twp, MI
Posts: 118
******************{SS}}}}}}}}}}
My husband and I don't have kids, but I understand the longing for normal, and wondering why everything is so hard. You are not alone. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do about your husband's behavior....if wanting him to be "the loving supportive husband and father that I so desperately want him to be" were all it took we'd all have perfect spouses.
That's the conclusion I came to with my husband last year....I've tried for our entire 11 years together to help him be happy, to help him find the happiness inside himself that he envies in me....if all it took were my effort, he'd be blissful! But my help isn't helping, it hasn't helped in 11 years. He needs to find help somewhere else.
I truly wish wanting it were enough.
My husband and I don't have kids, but I understand the longing for normal, and wondering why everything is so hard. You are not alone. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do about your husband's behavior....if wanting him to be "the loving supportive husband and father that I so desperately want him to be" were all it took we'd all have perfect spouses.
That's the conclusion I came to with my husband last year....I've tried for our entire 11 years together to help him be happy, to help him find the happiness inside himself that he envies in me....if all it took were my effort, he'd be blissful! But my help isn't helping, it hasn't helped in 11 years. He needs to find help somewhere else.
I truly wish wanting it were enough.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Hey, whats wrong with you?
Do the math! How many cases of beer does 800.00 get? Or how many bottles of vodka, etc etc etc?
For many alcoholics, that decision/choice is easy.
Isn't it really crap when chemical addiction takes over.
Do the math! How many cases of beer does 800.00 get? Or how many bottles of vodka, etc etc etc?
For many alcoholics, that decision/choice is easy.
Isn't it really crap when chemical addiction takes over.
Originally Posted by blessed4x
I think you will feel better after you have seen the lawyer. Be sure to get a reference for a good one. My AH makes less than I do and he would still have to pay over $800.00 a month, and that is based on joint custody. I was told he would have to pay more the fewer days a year he has them. He's already told me he wants NO custody, no visitation, but he would like the schedules for their games (they're all in sports) because "he does enjoy seeing them". Funny that he has missed 90% of their games when he's actually living with them.
I'm good with all of that. Having them spend time with him and put them in a situation where he may drink and drive with them is one reason I put off doing anything. I don't want to stick it to him either. I know he will have bills to pay, so I'm looking at negotiating keeping the house (we have ALOT of equity) to lower what he pays. Just visiting with the attorney helped me see how twisted my thinking is. Sitting there, talking with her about divorcing my husband, I was still worried about being too hard on him and how he would get by. I WAS (past tense) that codependent! And I'm working with an attorney who sees women and men in our situation every day and was smart enough to snap me back to reality.
I am glad you have the support of your mom. I'm sorry your children (and mine) are learning that this is how a dad should behave. Thankfully that can all change.
I'm good with all of that. Having them spend time with him and put them in a situation where he may drink and drive with them is one reason I put off doing anything. I don't want to stick it to him either. I know he will have bills to pay, so I'm looking at negotiating keeping the house (we have ALOT of equity) to lower what he pays. Just visiting with the attorney helped me see how twisted my thinking is. Sitting there, talking with her about divorcing my husband, I was still worried about being too hard on him and how he would get by. I WAS (past tense) that codependent! And I'm working with an attorney who sees women and men in our situation every day and was smart enough to snap me back to reality.
I am glad you have the support of your mom. I'm sorry your children (and mine) are learning that this is how a dad should behave. Thankfully that can all change.
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