Blondie

This is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I left my AH over a week ago and see his different reactions and manipulations trying to get me back in line and back in the house. He is at the "I'll be mean and nasty and order her around to see how high I can make her jump" stage. It used to work in the past but I'm standing my ground. I played the marytr (sp?) for such a long time in our dance or alcoholic and enabler. My counselor told me to be more assertive, and boy is it hard.

Example: I went over to the house to pick up some of my mail and had to call him to find out when he wanted to get together and do our taxes for last year. Well, he was short with me on the phone and practically ordered me to clean out the refridgerator ("to make sure there's nothing bad in there that can make me sick" he said). Well, I said "I thought you had a handle on that", because, after all HE is the one now living there and I have no idea what food that I left was now good or bad. He got really nasty and said "well, if you don't want to do it, then I will." Fine. After I hung up I felt guilty and opened the fridge, but then I thought, NO, I don't live here anymore and it is HIS responsiblity not mine. I do still feel guilty (for some reason) and I'm still scared to have him mad at me (his favorite tactic to get me to jump), but I KNOW it isn't my responsibility to clean the house that he is now living in alone. But why the guilt? I just hate it. I tried to be a good wife while we were married and waited on him hand and foot, but he took advantage and I let myself become a doormat to try to please him. Now I'm changing and I hope those guilty feelings change to. I've heard in al-anon that if you just follow through with the action that the feelings will follow (no guilt for stuff that isn't my problem). Has anyone found that this is true?

Freedom1990

Practice practice practice! Yes, it is uncomfortable as heck when we change our behaviors/reactions, but I guarantee that the more you do it, the easier it will come.

:ghug :ghug

Lilyflower

I'll share with you what I have learnt about guilt. There is earnt guilt (like if you cheated on a freind for example) that is your minds way of telling you yo have acted against your own moral code.

Then there is unearned guilt that we pile on ourselves. Such as 'I shouldn't have gone out to the cinema with my friend tonight because my husband was upset that he would be in on his own'.

If guilt is earnt, then it can be healed/dissipated by making amends to those we wronged.

If guilt is unearned, it needs to be addressed as to where the feeling is coming from. Like in the example above, the husband was feeling sorry for himself and used his emotional response against his wife by making her feel she was responsible for his feeling down through her actions. I would reason that out with: he had not taken responsibility for himself and organised something to do with his own time, it is not my duty to give him a social life, I can suggest to do something with my husband on another night, I am not responsible for anyone's emotions other than my own.

Unearned guilt usually stems from someone taking advantage of us, using abusive techniques against us and our own issues - perhaps we always determined our self worth by how much we did for others; so acting against that natural tendancy will bring on unearned guilt feelings.

I do believe that healthy actions lead to healthy feelings, you can bring out on by practicing the other. However faking it until you make it, to me implys that I must consistantly investigate my natural tendancies to act in unhealthy ways, so I can prevent them in future.

I hope this helps

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

ICant

I did all the housework in the marriage and only some of it was because my husband was too drunk. My big motivation for doing everything was because in my sick brain, I thought it would win approval from him. Won't he be so grateful? Won't he love me because now he can relax, it is all done for him? Actually it is my motivation for a lot of my behaviour. I'll do all the ringing around and organising with my friends and the hidden message is "Please like meeee". The fact is I was so needy in relationships because I didn't like myself.

Stand firm in letting him be responsible for himself and examine your own motivations. I only share the above because that was my truth and I'm sure you will have different motivations.

timetogo

I think Lily described guilt beautifully in the above post.

One definition of guilt is that "it is the emotional response to believing that you made a mistake." So perhaps part of the reason that the guilt is still hanging on is that you left without cleaning the refrigerator, like he wanted, like you always have done. You said in your post that you would always wait on him hand and foot and he ended up taking advantage of you and using you for a door mat. Depending on your situation and how long you have been in it, if we have been told or shown these negative things long enough, we begin to believe them ourselves. Guilt is a very deep seeded emotion and has a lot to do with core beliefs. When we begin to be assertive and not act like expected, it can be very uncomfortable. I think you took a BIG step today in thinking about yourself and your needs.

I'm glad you didn't clean the fridge

Blondie

Practice makes perfect. I'll have to remember that. I thought I had it all together a while back and thought I had detached from him, but I'll have to admit that I was enabling him and still playing the martyr. Boy, this all takes a lot of work and time (working on ourselves I mean) and a lot of guts.

Freedom1990

Hon, we all have days where we slide backwards. We're human and therefore we do make mistakes.

I strive for progress, not perfection.

Perfectionism was a glaring character defect of mine that I did not let go of easy. Rather I dug my feet in, screaming every inch of the way!

It is hard work, but it is so worth it, I promise! :ghug

GiveLove

And you have all of that, Blondie. It's just an unfamiliar set of muscles you're working on strengthening: your anti-doormat muscles.

He can't even tell for himself what food is good to eat and what food he should not eat? What is he, 4 years old? (scratch that, even my 4-year-old niece knows the difference) You didn't have a husband, Blondie, you had an infant.

Lily's guide to guilt above is so right-on.

Hang in there. IT IS ALL WORTH IT.

Lilyflower

All I know about guilt I learned from Miss Melody Beattie, and just thinking things through.

So cheers to Melody!
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Barbara52

You are trying to unlearn years worth of learned behaviors and feelings. You didn't learn them overnight. You won't unlearn them overnight either. And the learning process does hurt simply because those learned behaviors and feelings are comfortable in a sick sort of way and replacing them means seeing oneself as sick and moving toward health.

Be patient with yourself. With time and work, you can improve your life, learn healthier behaviors and ways of thinking.