Failed Miserably
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: pa
Posts: 90
Failed Miserably
Hello,
I haven't posted in a while. Things were good over Christmas. I told my AH to get us through Christmas, and we will see what the new year brings. So, he put on his best behaviour. Stupidly, I started to buy it. Well, he has been getting drunk four out of seven days. He works till 1:00 in the afternoon and by the time I get home, he's wasted.
Yesterday, I asked him if he wanted to go get wings at our usual Thursday night place we go. I have been putting boundaries up that I won't go anywhere with him if he is already drunk. We were going to meet his sister and her husband. He said he would not get drunk before we went. My fault for believing that.
He had a friend come over and help plow our driveway, then he went to help his friend. That was fine with me, but we already made plans with his sister to be there at 5:30. At 4:30 he told me he wouldn't be ready until 6:30 and the friend was going with us. I said that won't work. He got mad and said to wait for him, we will just meet his sister late. I said no, that me and our daughter would go ahead and go. He said he would call me right back. Well, he didn't call me and I kept trying to call him and he wouldn't answer. So, I decided to leave and go without him. Usually, when he doesn't call me back that means he is gone for the evening. So, I just assumed. Well, at 6:30 I got a nasty phone call, of course he was drunk, that I don't appreciate anything. He had to help his friend after he helped us and I couldn't even wait for them. Yada, yada, yada.
So what do I do, get all upset and let him ruin my evening with his sister to the point I got sick at the restaurant from nerves. I did exactly what I said I was going to do by doing what I want to do, and I still let him get to me. He manipuates everything and turns it back around on me. His sister kept telling me he was a jerk and to not let it ruin my evening. What makes me so mad was I told myself over and over I would not let him do this to me. I was going to detach and still have fun even if he manipulates and gets mad. Well, I failed that one. I am so disappointed in myself. How do you detach???????? Any advice would surely help.
Sorry this was so long and I hope you all understand what I am writing. Thanks so much for listening.
Chris:ghug3
I haven't posted in a while. Things were good over Christmas. I told my AH to get us through Christmas, and we will see what the new year brings. So, he put on his best behaviour. Stupidly, I started to buy it. Well, he has been getting drunk four out of seven days. He works till 1:00 in the afternoon and by the time I get home, he's wasted.
Yesterday, I asked him if he wanted to go get wings at our usual Thursday night place we go. I have been putting boundaries up that I won't go anywhere with him if he is already drunk. We were going to meet his sister and her husband. He said he would not get drunk before we went. My fault for believing that.
He had a friend come over and help plow our driveway, then he went to help his friend. That was fine with me, but we already made plans with his sister to be there at 5:30. At 4:30 he told me he wouldn't be ready until 6:30 and the friend was going with us. I said that won't work. He got mad and said to wait for him, we will just meet his sister late. I said no, that me and our daughter would go ahead and go. He said he would call me right back. Well, he didn't call me and I kept trying to call him and he wouldn't answer. So, I decided to leave and go without him. Usually, when he doesn't call me back that means he is gone for the evening. So, I just assumed. Well, at 6:30 I got a nasty phone call, of course he was drunk, that I don't appreciate anything. He had to help his friend after he helped us and I couldn't even wait for them. Yada, yada, yada.
So what do I do, get all upset and let him ruin my evening with his sister to the point I got sick at the restaurant from nerves. I did exactly what I said I was going to do by doing what I want to do, and I still let him get to me. He manipuates everything and turns it back around on me. His sister kept telling me he was a jerk and to not let it ruin my evening. What makes me so mad was I told myself over and over I would not let him do this to me. I was going to detach and still have fun even if he manipulates and gets mad. Well, I failed that one. I am so disappointed in myself. How do you detach???????? Any advice would surely help.
Sorry this was so long and I hope you all understand what I am writing. Thanks so much for listening.
Chris:ghug3
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Ouch
You ever bring up the subject of AA to him?
Speaking as an alcoholic, I know he has to want to stop drinking on his own but, how long are you willing to put up with it?
I know finances keep us in some miserable situations at home cause, we can't afford to leave.
My heart goes out to you for what, you're going thru
As I said, from my view on this.
Are you willing to live like this until, death do you part?
I needed to hit bottom to stop drinking.
Praying you make the wisest choice for you
You ever bring up the subject of AA to him?
Speaking as an alcoholic, I know he has to want to stop drinking on his own but, how long are you willing to put up with it?
I know finances keep us in some miserable situations at home cause, we can't afford to leave.
My heart goes out to you for what, you're going thru
As I said, from my view on this.
Are you willing to live like this until, death do you part?
I needed to hit bottom to stop drinking.
Praying you make the wisest choice for you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: pa
Posts: 90
I have talked about AA to him. He says he knows he has a problem, but we live in a small town and doesn't want to go to AA. Just an excuse. He says he can control it himself.
No, I don't want to live like this forever and I keep telling him that, but all I have been displaying is empty threats. Money and my yound daughter is another thing. If I leave, I would be afraid of him being alone with my daughter on his visitation. And, if I didn't allow them to be together, it would devistate them both. She is only 5 and worships daddy.
Thanks for replying.
No, I don't want to live like this forever and I keep telling him that, but all I have been displaying is empty threats. Money and my yound daughter is another thing. If I leave, I would be afraid of him being alone with my daughter on his visitation. And, if I didn't allow them to be together, it would devistate them both. She is only 5 and worships daddy.
Thanks for replying.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
worriedwife --
Do you have an Al-Anon meeting nearby you could attend? Or in a nearby town? They were an incredible source of support for me when I felt I was "trapped" in my alcoholic relationships. I learned some amazingly useful things about what I could and couldn't do, and how to maintain my happiness and serenity until the time was right to take action.
:ghug3
Do you have an Al-Anon meeting nearby you could attend? Or in a nearby town? They were an incredible source of support for me when I felt I was "trapped" in my alcoholic relationships. I learned some amazingly useful things about what I could and couldn't do, and how to maintain my happiness and serenity until the time was right to take action.
:ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: pa
Posts: 90
Originally Posted by GiveLove 
worriedwife --
Do you have an Al-Anon meeting nearby you could attend? Or in a nearby town? They were an incredible source of support for me when I felt I was "trapped" in my alcoholic relationships. I learned some amazingly useful things about what I could and couldn't do, and how to maintain my happiness and serenity until the time was right to take action.
:ghug3
Do you have an Al-Anon meeting nearby you could attend? Or in a nearby town? They were an incredible source of support for me when I felt I was "trapped" in my alcoholic relationships. I learned some amazingly useful things about what I could and couldn't do, and how to maintain my happiness and serenity until the time was right to take action.
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
It seems that you need a better plan!
Hoping that you don't let his antics get to you when you are out for the evening isn't a plan.
Hoping that he isn't drinking when he is in fact an active alcoholic isn't a plan.
Accept that he will drink when you hope he doesn't. That's just what alcoholics do. With that in mind when he says he'll call you right back - and then he doesn't, and he doesn't pick up the phone, you can plan to leave him a message saying something like "Haven't heard from you. DD and I are going ahead with our plans and my phone will be off. Just letting you know." And then shut off your phone or do NOT answer when he calls.
And you don't have to say any of that in a mean way. You're just sharing facts.
Then it's up to you to have the discipline to take a deep breath and ALLOW yourself and DD to have a good time. You know you'll see him later. And how he chooses to react to you detaching like that is up to him. Not your problem. Taking care of yourself and DD is the right thing to do. You're not doing anything WRONG by calmly and rationally putting yourself and DD first!
Good luck---(((((hugs)))))
peace,
b
Hoping that you don't let his antics get to you when you are out for the evening isn't a plan.
Hoping that he isn't drinking when he is in fact an active alcoholic isn't a plan.
Accept that he will drink when you hope he doesn't. That's just what alcoholics do. With that in mind when he says he'll call you right back - and then he doesn't, and he doesn't pick up the phone, you can plan to leave him a message saying something like "Haven't heard from you. DD and I are going ahead with our plans and my phone will be off. Just letting you know." And then shut off your phone or do NOT answer when he calls.
And you don't have to say any of that in a mean way. You're just sharing facts.
Then it's up to you to have the discipline to take a deep breath and ALLOW yourself and DD to have a good time. You know you'll see him later. And how he chooses to react to you detaching like that is up to him. Not your problem. Taking care of yourself and DD is the right thing to do. You're not doing anything WRONG by calmly and rationally putting yourself and DD first!
Good luck---(((((hugs)))))
peace,
b
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by worriedwife2
He says he can control it himself.
Your worry over leaving because you're afraid of visitations alone. That doesn't need to be the case. How about asking yourself what you should be afraid of for you and your child if you STAY. What will she be exposed to and how will that affect her?
I have a 15 month old and due to special living circumstances have asked my AH to move into the basement bedroom. He has been in recovery for 1 month now, but I am firm that I won't go back to the relationship as it was, for the sake of our daughter. Because I'm more afraid of what that will do to her. If we divorce and I'm worried about drinking, then I will do anything and everything I can to ensure they are never alone during visitation.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Originally Posted by worriedwife2
He says he can control it himself.
Thanks for replying.
Thanks for replying.
3 biggest lies, the checks in the mail, I love you and I can quit drinking on my own.
Maybe, the thought of not seeing your little girl might provide a wake up call!!!
My ex wanted to toss that in during the divorce. it wasn't included in any stipulations on my weekend visits. But, I wasn't drinking and driving with my kids around.
Let me tell you how an alcoholic mind thinks.
As long as we're able to continue going about our merry way until, people stop allowing us to do so, we will.
I'm sure, he loves you and your little girl but, once a drink passes his lips, you become secondary in his life
I live in a small town as well. We don't publish our members name to the general public.
I've often heard, we were never ashamed stumbling out of a bar like a fool but, we're ashamed to admit, we have a problem and we're doing something about it
How screwed up is that train of thought???
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000
I've often heard, we were never ashamed stumbling out of a bar like a fool but, we're ashamed to admit, we have a problem and we're doing something about it
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((WorriedWife2)))))
First, you did NOT FAIL MISERABLY. What you exhibited is NORMAL. You are married to a MASTER MANIPULATOR and he will DO everything he can and SAY everything he has to say to keep you SPINNING.
First, please start picturing THE BIG WHITE AFLAC DUCK in the commercials, everyone time he says even one word. Why? Because that is all he is doing,......................QUACKING.
This can be covered very easily. Start a 3 ring binder, like a journal, and document EVERYTHING, when it happens.................ie tues. 2/3 6pm- came home from work AH drunk and falling down. or 2/6 4pm AH said would be home at 1, just called slurring words, etc.
By the time you have YOUR PLAN in place for either a 'legal separation' or 'start of divorce' the court will be the one to ORDER visitation and you can very easily ask for and be granted "Supervised Visitation".
There now that is out of the way.
You really are doing pretty darn good for the situation you are in. Please continue to get on with YOUR LIFE. Make plans, and go do things. If he misses out, NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
I am sorry you do not have any AlAnon that is closer, however, please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much and will walk with you through this as much as we can.
Love and hugs,
First, you did NOT FAIL MISERABLY. What you exhibited is NORMAL. You are married to a MASTER MANIPULATOR and he will DO everything he can and SAY everything he has to say to keep you SPINNING.
First, please start picturing THE BIG WHITE AFLAC DUCK in the commercials, everyone time he says even one word. Why? Because that is all he is doing,......................QUACKING.
I would be afraid of him being alone with my daughter on his visitation.
By the time you have YOUR PLAN in place for either a 'legal separation' or 'start of divorce' the court will be the one to ORDER visitation and you can very easily ask for and be granted "Supervised Visitation".
There now that is out of the way.
You really are doing pretty darn good for the situation you are in. Please continue to get on with YOUR LIFE. Make plans, and go do things. If he misses out, NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
I am sorry you do not have any AlAnon that is closer, however, please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much and will walk with you through this as much as we can.
Love and hugs,
Formerly known as soconfused11
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
(((WorriedWife)))
I am sorry that you are going through this. I have been in the situation that you are in now, many times before. The only way that I could really "detach", is to be physically apart from my XABF. When he was living with me, he would do the same that your husband does, make lots of promises that he couldn't keep. And I believed him....and I was even under the illusion that I was detaching, when I really wasn't. I would tell myself "I know I can't control it, so I'm just gonna keep doing what I'm doing, and if he messes up, it won't affect me"...but every time he drank...I was back to square one in my own codependency. In my opinion, it is because it is pretty hard for some of us codependents to focus on ourselves and really recover if we are living with our alcoholic.
The things he did were all so hurtful, and I couldn't be with him, and not be affected by him being late, being irresponsible, anything that he did which involved putting alcohol about us...meaning myself, my son, and his children also.
I am sorry that you are going through this. I have been in the situation that you are in now, many times before. The only way that I could really "detach", is to be physically apart from my XABF. When he was living with me, he would do the same that your husband does, make lots of promises that he couldn't keep. And I believed him....and I was even under the illusion that I was detaching, when I really wasn't. I would tell myself "I know I can't control it, so I'm just gonna keep doing what I'm doing, and if he messes up, it won't affect me"...but every time he drank...I was back to square one in my own codependency. In my opinion, it is because it is pretty hard for some of us codependents to focus on ourselves and really recover if we are living with our alcoholic.
The things he did were all so hurtful, and I couldn't be with him, and not be affected by him being late, being irresponsible, anything that he did which involved putting alcohol about us...meaning myself, my son, and his children also.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Originally Posted by sodetermined
(((WorriedWife)))
The things he did were all so hurtful, and I couldn't be with him, and not be affected by him being late, being irresponsible, anything that he did which involved putting alcohol about us...meaning myself, my son, and his children also.
The things he did were all so hurtful, and I couldn't be with him, and not be affected by him being late, being irresponsible, anything that he did which involved putting alcohol about us...meaning myself, my son, and his children also.
You couldn't made that any plainer !!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
your insights greatly appreciated, and congratulations on sobriety.
Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000
3 biggest lies, the checks in the mail, I love you and I can quit drinking on my own.
Maybe, the thought of not seeing your little girl might provide a wake up call!!!
My ex wanted to toss that in during the divorce. it wasn't included in any stipulations on my weekend visits. But, I wasn't drinking and driving with my kids around.
Let me tell you how an alcoholic mind thinks.
As long as we're able to continue going about our merry way until, people stop allowing us to do so, we will.
I'm sure, he loves you and your little girl but, once a drink passes his lips, you become secondary in his life
I live in a small town as well. We don't publish our members name to the general public.
I've often heard, we were never ashamed stumbling out of a bar like a fool but, we're ashamed to admit, we have a problem and we're doing something about it
How screwed up is that train of thought???
Maybe, the thought of not seeing your little girl might provide a wake up call!!!
My ex wanted to toss that in during the divorce. it wasn't included in any stipulations on my weekend visits. But, I wasn't drinking and driving with my kids around.
Let me tell you how an alcoholic mind thinks.
As long as we're able to continue going about our merry way until, people stop allowing us to do so, we will.
I'm sure, he loves you and your little girl but, once a drink passes his lips, you become secondary in his life
I live in a small town as well. We don't publish our members name to the general public.
I've often heard, we were never ashamed stumbling out of a bar like a fool but, we're ashamed to admit, we have a problem and we're doing something about it
How screwed up is that train of thought???
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
"No, I don't want to live like this forever and I keep telling him that."
You need to tell YOURSELF that. Take yourself seriously. Then take action.
Of course its much easier said and done, but I see this situation is hurting you a lot... visitations may be supervised so you need not worry about that.
I am glad you are here please keep posting. Please do not be harsh with yourself. Dettaching is a process and I see you are reading and talking about this so you are in your way to feeling better, be patient with yourself. Patterns do not break out of the blue!! Its hard work... but it will get easier with time.
It will get better because YOU are working to feel better.
Hugs!!
You need to tell YOURSELF that. Take yourself seriously. Then take action.
Of course its much easier said and done, but I see this situation is hurting you a lot... visitations may be supervised so you need not worry about that.
I am glad you are here please keep posting. Please do not be harsh with yourself. Dettaching is a process and I see you are reading and talking about this so you are in your way to feeling better, be patient with yourself. Patterns do not break out of the blue!! Its hard work... but it will get easier with time.
It will get better because YOU are working to feel better.
Hugs!!
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
I live by the saying, " nothing changes unless, something changes"
The fear of the unkown is the biggest down fall to a person.
Imagine, if Christopher Columbus hadn't set sail on his journey.
The Wright brothers hadn't of kept trying to make that plane fly and were afraid of it's crashing and killing them!!!
We are limitless with our possiblities in life.
Don't ever cut yourself short
The fear of the unkown is the biggest down fall to a person.
Imagine, if Christopher Columbus hadn't set sail on his journey.
The Wright brothers hadn't of kept trying to make that plane fly and were afraid of it's crashing and killing them!!!
We are limitless with our possiblities in life.
Don't ever cut yourself short
Last edited by CAPTAINZING2000; 01-30-2009 at 10:36 AM.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: pa
Posts: 90
Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000
I live by the saying, " nothing changes unless, something changes"
The fear of the unkown is the biggest down fall to a person.
Imagine, if Christopher Columbus hadn't set sail on his journey.
The Wright borthers hadn't of kept trying to make that plane fly and were afraid of it's crashing and killing them!!!
We are limitless with our possiblities in life.
Don't ever cut yourself short
The fear of the unkown is the biggest down fall to a person.
Imagine, if Christopher Columbus hadn't set sail on his journey.
The Wright borthers hadn't of kept trying to make that plane fly and were afraid of it's crashing and killing them!!!
We are limitless with our possiblities in life.
Don't ever cut yourself short
Along with everyone else, your words have really hit home with me today.
Thank you.
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
I'm sorry you're having to live with this Worriedwife -- I heard all of the same things from my AH -- I don't need help to change, I can do it on my own, it'll never happen again yadayadayada (I think they call it quacking) -- for many years now. We are now living on separate floors of the house, not talking, avoiding each other unless it is absolutely necessary to talk (which is never). I hear, through my daughter, that he is looking for apartments.
This forum has been a God send to me -- I too live in a community that has few alanon meetings and for work related reasons, I feel I cannot attend. The next town away that has a meeting is also an hour from my home. I'm yet to go but it is in the plan when the weather is better. In the meantime, I have found alanon on line. I know it is another forum and not face to face, but it is very much like an alanon meeting (same structure, etc.). There are other online meetings there as well. It really does help me -- the website is Step Chat
Hang in there and know that there are wise,kind people here to help and listen.
This forum has been a God send to me -- I too live in a community that has few alanon meetings and for work related reasons, I feel I cannot attend. The next town away that has a meeting is also an hour from my home. I'm yet to go but it is in the plan when the weather is better. In the meantime, I have found alanon on line. I know it is another forum and not face to face, but it is very much like an alanon meeting (same structure, etc.). There are other online meetings there as well. It really does help me -- the website is Step Chat
Hang in there and know that there are wise,kind people here to help and listen.
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