JerseyGirl

So, I went to a meeting last night (which I posted about already, NOT a good experience)

There was a statement made that is annoying me

There was someone there, her sister was her qualifier. She had been with Alanon several years.

She said last night (in direct response to what someone else said during their share.....immediately after saying - I know there is no cross talk BUT....)

I treat everyone in my life like an alcoholic, because deep down, everyone IS.

Now, I am new to this "world"

I did not grow up in an alcoholic home, and managed to get through the first 40 years of my life with never having had an alcoholic - recovering or active - in my immediate circle. A distant cousin who I saw a handful of times, the husband of a co-worker....that is it.

Now with my BF, who was 2 years sober when I met him, relapsed, and hit his new 90 day mark today....I am learning a lot. And there ARE some things I am learning from alanon literature that has been helpful in other areas of my life. Not being able to control other people, not being responsible for other people. and that is all good. So yes, some lessons I am learning can apply to a variety of situations, but that is not at all what she was saying.

But her remark, which she expanded on, was more along the lines of how EVERYONE in our lives behaves like an alcoholic does, so thank goodness for this program which teaches us to stay sane in such a world. How we were basically the few "chosen ones" who were able to see everyone else for what they were.

For some reason, this comment has been annoying me today......

GiveLove

I know some recovering Al-Anoners who have suffered greatly and who do see the world as essentially "all alcoholics" -- in her world, maybe it looks that way. And maybe it looks that way because she surrounds herself mostly with unhealthy people, sees the truly healthy ones as oddities, and chooses to see only the faults/compulsions in others.

Aren't you glad you don't share her worldview? I'm sure it works for her but I'm not interested in living that way. I know dozens of people who've never set foot in the rooms, who are far healthier than I will ever be.

That would bother me too, jersey, but not for long. Takes all kinds, y'know?

ToughChoices

I don't think that the whole world is insane.

But, I do think that living with alcoholism FORCED me to deal with issues (insecurity, fear of being alone, lack of assertiveness) that many people never touch. Maybe they never have to. I don't think that makes them nutso, just fortunate in different ways than I have been fortunate!

I am finding that the complaining, blaming, "life owes it to me" attitude that my alcoholic tends to express isn't exclusively his, plenty of my non-alcoholic acquaintances and family members share it from time to time. Heck, it's easy for me to fall into that mindset, too!

So, Al-Anon does help me with life - and not just life with my alcoholic. I do consider myself fortunate to have found the program. Its emphasis on personal responsibility was just the ticket for my personal set of issues!

-TC

p.s. I had to go to a LOT of Al-Anon groups before I found something that worked for me - and, in truth, by the time the group worked for me I think it was because reading and posting here on SR had changed me SO much that the physical Al-Anon group I attended didn't matter nearly as much anymore. I find MOST of my ESH here - and I get a good dose of hugs and well wishes and peaceful feelings from my Al-Anon group.

laurie6781

I'm not so sure the whole world isn't completely insane with all that is going on and is in the news, lol

However, for me when I started going to AlAnon it was to help me. In AlAnon over the years I have learned a lot, about how to set my boundaries with those Alkies/Addicts in my life.

Something funny has happened over the years as I continue to practice, practice, practice, I have found that the 'tools' I received in AlAnon work well in ALL my relationships with other humans, be they alkie and/or addict or not.

So in that sense, yep I guess I interact with all others the way I would and do interact with an alkie and/or addict. Yep, I Practice These Principles, In All My Affairs:

THE PRINCIPLES ARE THE STEPS


1. HONESTY
2. HOPE
3. FAITH
4. COURAGE
5. INTEGRITY
6. WILLINGNESS
7. HUMILITY
8. BROTHERLY LOVE
9. JUSTICE
10. PERSEVERANCE
11. SPIRITUAL AWAKENING
12. SERVICE

Expanded a teeny bit:

Principles Of The Steps

1. Admission of powerlessness. / Honesty

2. Reliance on a Higher Power. / Hope

3. Total surrender to God. / Faith

4. Moral inventory. / Courage

5. Admission of the exact nature of our wrongs. / Integrity

6. Commitment to total change. / Willingness

7. Prayer for wholeness. / Humilty

8. Total willingness to amend. / Brotherly Love

9. Making amends where possible. / Reconcilation

10. Continuing inventory. /Perserverance

11. Prayer meditation, leading to improved conscious contact with God. /
Awareness of God

12. Spiritual awakening, carrying the message and practicing the
principles in all our affairs. / Service.



Not knowing the particular woman, and do knowing, that sometimes things I say don't always come out the way I meant, and things that other folks say I can sometimes hear differently (depending on my emotional level of the moment), I have learned to just accept what others say, take what I can use, and leave the rest.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

freya

Personally, I would have to know more about how the speaker meant that. There are just way too many possible interpretations without knowing the full context. I mean, as a metaphor, I can see how that might work.....but it could also be very paranoid, too....who knows...

Anyways, JerseyGirl, what have you liked so far about that meeting you've been going to, anything????? Have you heard anything that has been helpful or of value to you? What about here on SR? What about in any recovery literature you've read thus far? I mean, if you have some things that have interested or spoken to you, maybe it would be in your best interest to concentrate on them (as in "take what you like and leave the rest") and to look for some meetings or other venues where you can get more of the same.

I guess I'm not understanding what it is you hope to gain -- in terms of your own recovery process -- by asking people here at SR to comment on / evaluate / judge an Al Anon meeting and Al Anon members they've never been to or met. I just don't see the point. And even if everyone on here were to agree that the meeting and/or the members were totally wacked or were to agree that the meeting and/or the members were the greatest ever, what would that really mean?????? You have to find what works for you and what helps you....and the more time you spend analyzing what's (if anything) gone wrong at a meeting that pretty clearly isn't working for you, the more time you waste that you could be devoting to finding something that does.

Take your focus off of them and get it back on you. It is the only way.

freya

silkspin

I agree with Freya, what is the goal of assessing what other people say in Al Anon? Even in the group I found that I loved, I sometimes heard things that I didn't agree or perhaps understand, but that was their opinion and my job is only to listen, take what I like and leave what I don't. But I also find that ANY opinion, good, bad or otherwise, teaches me something, even if it's something that I feel I don't want to do. Sometimes that's just as illuminating as an AHA of what I do find I can relate to.

JerseyGirl, why do you think that comments has bothered you so much? Have you thought about that? Maybe it's meant for you to take something from it...

tommyk

Listen for the message and ignore the trash talk.

You cannot ever 'control' what other people say.

JerseyGirl

I don't think I was judging the person who said it, I was looking at the statement on its own.

I guess what disturbs me is.....and maybe this is a slight judgment of the speaker....is that if getting years of alanon under your belt lead you to view the world so black and white - either you are an alcoholic, or you are one of us.....that is not a path I want to take.

This might have been in my head, because I got to the meeting early, and was reading a pamphlet on sponsors....and it said something about finding someone in the program you can relate to, who got themselves to a place where you want to be.....and I am looking around realizing....I am not able to identify anyone here that exemplifies anything I hope to "become".

does that make sense?

And yes, I might need to look into a different group.....but the location and day of the week for this one made it very doable - other evenings are just very difficult, and would make regular attendance unlikely.

GiveLove

You're making a black-and-white judgment yourself, in a way:

That BECAUSE she holds this opinion, it must be her years in AL-ANON that did it to her.

She could just be this way. It might be how she sees all things in the world. Or you could've completely misconstrued what she was saying, OR she could have very poor communication skills and was just blurting out stuff without really believing it OR any one of a thousand explanations that do. not. matter. Only your own healing matters, and seeking the best way to get the wisdom and peace you're after.

Are you trying to ask whether all Al-Anon veterans are like that, whether the program "does" that to people? Well, no, they're not, and I can say that from personal experience. And none of this is a criticism: It is educational and good to see what you don't want to be like.

Focus on your own healing, jersey. It appears from your posts -- at times -- that you are looking for reasons to say that Al-Anon isn't for you....the meeting sucks and you don't want to go to another one, the people are strange, you don't accept the steps, whatever. That is just fine; some of our best & brightest SR folks don't do Al-Anon and never have. Nobody here is going to argue with you or belittle you if you decide that's best for you.

JerseyGirl

I am still deciding if it is best for me.....I like the written materials, but am not having luck with the meeting so far....we'll see

Daisy30

Try not to over think meetings I know it is our human nature to do so. In the beginning I did the same thing...

Just keep coming back and soon you'll see. Remember this person is not a representive (spokesperson) of al-anon but a representive of themselves.

There are people in my al-anon group that have been there for years and very far progressed in their recovery and others who have been there a long time and are not as far along. We all recover at our own pace.

"You may not like us all, but you'll learn to love us in a very special way"

don't give up on the program just yet

CatsPajamas

I've heard it said around here that if all you have is a hammer, you tend to see all problems as a nail.

Perhaps thats a narrow view of the world, but all that person can manage right now.

JerseyGirl

That makes sense, thanks

Bjen

Hmmm...

I guess take that as song lyrics and apply a perspective to that that applies to you.

In a way I think that a lot of people sober or not, Can relate to the 12 steps. My friend has a husband who isn't a user but sure displays many characteristics of my ex when my ex was drinking. I had even been seeing a guy who behaved like a drunk. Blowing up, running his stupid mouth, expressing unwanted opinions. Verbal abuse.
In that case I applied what I learned from here to deal with him. Drew my boundary lines and stuck to them and reminded myself I can't control him, I can only control myself.

Who knows what she really meant but as it was said, take what you want and leave the rest. Good Luck!

coyote21

Thanks and God bless us all, :ghug
Coyote

silkspin

I could totally be off, but from all of your posts, it seems to me that you already have a 'goal' in mind regarding what you want the meetings to accomplish for you and the members of the group are not meeting your expectations. Perhaps it would help to try entering the room with no expectations for yourself or the group. Sit and listen. To everything. Don't judge, don't analyze why/how people are saying what they are. Try to find the deeper message that helps you learn or grow in some way; even if it's disagreeing with someone or empathizing with someone else's experience. I heard 'look for the similarities and not the differences' in a meeting once that really hit home for me.

This woman's opinion/experience doesn't have to be yours. I don't think that anyone 'ends up' a certain way because of al anon - you simply take what you need to make yourself better. That's it. If you give it a chance by opening your mind, heart to accept what it has to offer, you may start finding that you identify with more of the members along the way. Or maybe you won't, that's ok too. Ask yourself if you are creating barriers to allowing yourself this experience. Maybe it's inner resistance. I can tell you that I was resistant in my first few meetings too because I was scared to face my reality, admit I had issues too. It's a defensive state. But as I continued meetings my resistance started to drop and I saw the value it was bringing to my own life. I've been in al anon for 7 months now.

JerseyGirl

I hear you. I am going to attempt to go on another night, though that means some major re-shuffling. I just get a bad vibe/bad energy from this one, and really have to force myself to go because this bad energy seems to run rampant through the group. There are a couple ladies who went one week that I really liked and got good feelings from, but they do not attend regularly.....and there are other people who go every week who just bother me with the weekly airing of their laundry list of complaints (which has been the same every week). Hopefully, if I can manage to rearrange my schedule, I can find a better fit elsewhere.

I would not say I had a goal....but I do know that I am going to leave with a headache if every week is just a repeat of the week before, and there is no one in the group I can look to as living their life in a way I can hope to achieve. Not to say EVERY person there needs to be super enlightened, lol.....but it is hard to take what works and leave the rest, when the overall overwhelming majority of what is said is just so negative.

silkspin

Good for you for giving it a chance even if it means some shuffling. Just remember that everyone has found the group because they have had alcoholism affect their lives and are, like you, dealing with hurt. I hope you find the kinship you're looking for!