Why am I still here?
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Why am I still here?
Hello friends,
I wonder why am I still in this relationship? What are the benefits? My AH and I had a discussion on Tuesday night about our relationship. I shared my feelings about how distant we are and how his drinking in bars three times a week was a problem for me. I told him that he put us at risk by doing this, that he spent money that should be going to the family on drinking, and that it was painful for me. I also told him that I wanted him to get better, to stop hurting, to start living again. I told him that I had made many mistakes in our relationship, but no one could doubt my sincere desire to make this relationship work. I wanted this marriage to work. But its not working.
So I know he heard my words. I know he is still using the drinking as a crutch. So on Wednesday night he goes to the bar as usual.
Ok, I know it is time to go my own way. Help me to understand why it is so hard to leave someone that is hurting and not functioning well on his own. Why can't I walk away?
I'm really trying here..........................
I wonder why am I still in this relationship? What are the benefits? My AH and I had a discussion on Tuesday night about our relationship. I shared my feelings about how distant we are and how his drinking in bars three times a week was a problem for me. I told him that he put us at risk by doing this, that he spent money that should be going to the family on drinking, and that it was painful for me. I also told him that I wanted him to get better, to stop hurting, to start living again. I told him that I had made many mistakes in our relationship, but no one could doubt my sincere desire to make this relationship work. I wanted this marriage to work. But its not working.
So I know he heard my words. I know he is still using the drinking as a crutch. So on Wednesday night he goes to the bar as usual.
Ok, I know it is time to go my own way. Help me to understand why it is so hard to leave someone that is hurting and not functioning well on his own. Why can't I walk away?
I'm really trying here..........................
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Maybe because all your energy, emotion, effort is focused on him? He knows how you feel, he does it anyway. Maybe you aren't at the Action part of the 3 A's yet? It seems you have the Awareness. They go in order--Awareness, Acceptance, Action. Could it be you are wanting to skip past the Acceptance and that is why Action is difficult?
L
L
Life is what you make of it
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Finding MY way in Ohio
Posts: 90
Thank you for this thread, Rose.
I also need help ACCEPTING. I dont know HOW, I guess. I can say it out loud and really TRY to accept what it is, but I guess I dont truly ACCEPT anything. I'm not sure HOW to do the Acceptance part of it, either.
I also need help ACCEPTING. I dont know HOW, I guess. I can say it out loud and really TRY to accept what it is, but I guess I dont truly ACCEPT anything. I'm not sure HOW to do the Acceptance part of it, either.
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
Ok, I know it is time to go my own way. Help me to understand why it is so hard to leave someone that is hurting and not functioning well on his own. Why can't I walk away?
I'm really trying here..........................
I'm really trying here..........................
My AH and I had a discussion on Tuesday night about our relationship. I shared my feelings about how distant we are and how his drinking in bars three times a week was a problem for me. I told him that he put us at risk by doing this, that he spent money that should be going to the family on drinking, and that it was painful for me. I also told him that I wanted him to get better, to stop hurting, to start living again. I told him that I had made many mistakes in our relationship, but no one could doubt my sincere desire to make this relationship work. I wanted this marriage to work. But its not working.
I feel for you - I really really do. I didn't WANT to end my relationship with x - but deep down (not even really that deep ha ha) I knew I HAD to. Somebody had to make a change and I got tired of hoping it would be him.
Hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Yes, I do want to skip past the acceptance. I don't want to accept that my marriage has fallen apart. That all this is truely happening. I have been avoiding this truth and acceptance for a very long time.
I like this: Somebody had to make a change and I got tired of hoping it would be him. That's exactly it. Exactly how I feel.
Well I am off to an Alanon meeting. Thanks Friends.
I like this: Somebody had to make a change and I got tired of hoping it would be him. That's exactly it. Exactly how I feel.
Well I am off to an Alanon meeting. Thanks Friends.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by Rose56 
Yes, I do want to skip past the acceptance. I don't want to accept that my marriage has fallen apart. That all this is truely happening. I have been avoiding this truth and acceptance for a very long time.
I like this: Somebody had to make a change and I got tired of hoping it would be him. That's exactly it. Exactly how I feel.
Well I am off to an Alanon meeting. Thanks Friends.
I like this: Somebody had to make a change and I got tired of hoping it would be him. That's exactly it. Exactly how I feel.
Well I am off to an Alanon meeting. Thanks Friends.
It sounds to me that you accept that your marriage has fallen apart but you don't like that fact. You don't have to like it to accept it.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Great discussion!
I seem to be associating Acceptance with defeat. As if I finally ACCEPT that my efforts to save my relationship have failed and I can now leave. I know this is not the point.
I'm struggling through step one. Is acknowledging that I am powerless against the effects of alcohol the same as the Acceptance spoken of here?
I seem to be associating Acceptance with defeat. As if I finally ACCEPT that my efforts to save my relationship have failed and I can now leave. I know this is not the point.
I'm struggling through step one. Is acknowledging that I am powerless against the effects of alcohol the same as the Acceptance spoken of here?
Retired Pro Drunk
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
You know, I'm not really sure why my wife gave me another chance. Backstory - had been to treatment twice already. Had a couple stretch's as long as 18 months sober. Relapsed in 2006. Drinking underground, lots of lying, sneaking, hiding on my part. I went to treatment again in July 2007. Been sober since. I have been advised by her that this is my last chance. We were married in 1994 - my first time in treatment was in 2001.
But why did she stick around this last time? Beats the heck out of me.
We do have a son who is now 3. He was not even 1 y.o. when I relapsed. This may have had something to do with her staying, I'm not sure. We never really talked about it. Though during my second time in treatment (before we had any kids) it was discussed that she wanted children and it was okay for her to have and raise a child if it meant doing so with or without me in the picture.
She did put up with my secretive drinking for many months (close to a year). The subject of her leaving never came up - not that I can remember anyway. Maybe because I was never sober long enough to have a sane discussion about it. And in the end, it was me who decided I needed to go back to treatment. I suppose she already knew this, but didn't say too much about it. And she had been going to al-anon this whole time too - maybe that made a difference?
She could have, the entire time, had some firm boundaries in her head that she has never shared. You know, certain time-frames or whatever that if things lasted much longer I would have been out the door. Or maybe she didn't. Or maybe she told me all about it but I don't remember because I was drunk or whatever.
The big thing was that I had absolutely no appreciation of what she was going through. And I still don't. I have no idea what it was like for her, what she was feeling, etc. And even if she had tried to verbalize things to me, I still would not have fully understood the whole picture, not in the state I was in. It was all about me and no one else. I do have a little better understanding now, but I don't believe that I'm even capable of a full grasp. I haven't walked in her shoes.
I don't really know what I'm trying to say here. Maybe this helps, maybe it doesn't. What I'm NOT trying to say is that you need to do anything one way or another. Just my experience from the other side I guess.
But why did she stick around this last time? Beats the heck out of me.
We do have a son who is now 3. He was not even 1 y.o. when I relapsed. This may have had something to do with her staying, I'm not sure. We never really talked about it. Though during my second time in treatment (before we had any kids) it was discussed that she wanted children and it was okay for her to have and raise a child if it meant doing so with or without me in the picture.
She did put up with my secretive drinking for many months (close to a year). The subject of her leaving never came up - not that I can remember anyway. Maybe because I was never sober long enough to have a sane discussion about it. And in the end, it was me who decided I needed to go back to treatment. I suppose she already knew this, but didn't say too much about it. And she had been going to al-anon this whole time too - maybe that made a difference?
She could have, the entire time, had some firm boundaries in her head that she has never shared. You know, certain time-frames or whatever that if things lasted much longer I would have been out the door. Or maybe she didn't. Or maybe she told me all about it but I don't remember because I was drunk or whatever.
The big thing was that I had absolutely no appreciation of what she was going through. And I still don't. I have no idea what it was like for her, what she was feeling, etc. And even if she had tried to verbalize things to me, I still would not have fully understood the whole picture, not in the state I was in. It was all about me and no one else. I do have a little better understanding now, but I don't believe that I'm even capable of a full grasp. I haven't walked in her shoes.
I don't really know what I'm trying to say here. Maybe this helps, maybe it doesn't. What I'm NOT trying to say is that you need to do anything one way or another. Just my experience from the other side I guess.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Originally Posted by Barbara52
It took me a while to understand that acceptance does not mean liking something, thinking it a good thing or necessarily anything positive. Acceptance means that and that alone, no judgement attaching to it.
It sounds to me that you accept that your marriage has fallen apart but you don't like that fact. You don't have to like it to accept it.
It sounds to me that you accept that your marriage has fallen apart but you don't like that fact. You don't have to like it to accept it.
But, for me, acceptance also means I have to stop resisting, bargaining, twirling myself around in a circle trying to perform some sort of magical marriage transformation.
I had to accept that I could not transform my marriage on my own. It is outside my power.
That made me sad, but it brought relief, too. Fighting an impossible war is incredibly draining.
Take care, Rose!
-TC
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I'll tell you why I stayed as long as I did.
The pain and dysfunction of that marriage was like the tattered and worn blanket that a toddler drags around on a daily basis and tucks up with at nap time.
It's familiar, it's comforting, it's hard to let go of.
No matter how painful and dysfunctional my marriage got, no matter how badly he beat me, no matter how deeply his harsh words cut into my soul, my fear of being alone was greater than letting go of that blanket that had wrapped around my neck and was slowly starting to choke the life out of me in tiny increments.
Who would I be without him? Who would want to even be my friend?
Good and decent people don't marry whiskey-swilling, meth-injecting, psychotic, convicted felons!
You see, I got what I deserved when I married him, so I thought.
Those friends I used to have who he didn't push out of my life, I managed to do so myself because I was so focused on him, and what I could to to make things 'right'.
I was alone in that insanity, dying a little more every day.
I didn't realize I'd have to walk through the pain to get past the pain.
So instead, I clung to my tattered and worn blanket that was wrapped around my neck in the end. It was my comfort zone.
That's why I stayed as long as I did.
The pain and dysfunction of that marriage was like the tattered and worn blanket that a toddler drags around on a daily basis and tucks up with at nap time.
It's familiar, it's comforting, it's hard to let go of.
No matter how painful and dysfunctional my marriage got, no matter how badly he beat me, no matter how deeply his harsh words cut into my soul, my fear of being alone was greater than letting go of that blanket that had wrapped around my neck and was slowly starting to choke the life out of me in tiny increments.
Who would I be without him? Who would want to even be my friend?
Good and decent people don't marry whiskey-swilling, meth-injecting, psychotic, convicted felons!
You see, I got what I deserved when I married him, so I thought.
Those friends I used to have who he didn't push out of my life, I managed to do so myself because I was so focused on him, and what I could to to make things 'right'.
I was alone in that insanity, dying a little more every day.
I didn't realize I'd have to walk through the pain to get past the pain.
So instead, I clung to my tattered and worn blanket that was wrapped around my neck in the end. It was my comfort zone.
That's why I stayed as long as I did.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Yes, yes, this is so good. I don't like that my marriage has fallen apart. I can accept this and not like it. I can also let go of trying to do some magic to transform the marriage. This is very draining. I can accept myself for staying because it is oddly comfortable. When I was a kid I wanted to do some magic to make my mother ok, but I couldn't and she died. Somewhere I am afraid that people that are not ok can even die.
From this post I have learned that I stay in this relationship because:
1. I haven't yet accepted that it is over, I am still struggling to do the magic.
2. It is oddly comforting and familiar, what if I have to start being happy, will it be harder that being unhappy?
3. Because it is hard to walk away - how will I justify my leaving? I just don't know how to do something just because it is right for me, especially if it makes life harder on someone I can about.
4. I'm still hoping he will make a change - in spite of him telling me that he won't make a change! He tells me that he has always been this way and will always be this way. He makes no excuses. And yet I hope on.
5. I don't like the fact that my marriage has fallen apart.
6. I associate acceptance with defeat. Yes I do, I see that.
7. This relationship is like a slot machine - it pays off just often enough to get me coming back for more. (from an Alanon friend)
This has been so helpful. My counselor will be so pleased that I have worked so hard, (with all your help) on understanding this. Just for today, I did good work.
Many thanks,
R
From this post I have learned that I stay in this relationship because:
1. I haven't yet accepted that it is over, I am still struggling to do the magic.
2. It is oddly comforting and familiar, what if I have to start being happy, will it be harder that being unhappy?
3. Because it is hard to walk away - how will I justify my leaving? I just don't know how to do something just because it is right for me, especially if it makes life harder on someone I can about.
4. I'm still hoping he will make a change - in spite of him telling me that he won't make a change! He tells me that he has always been this way and will always be this way. He makes no excuses. And yet I hope on.
5. I don't like the fact that my marriage has fallen apart.
6. I associate acceptance with defeat. Yes I do, I see that.
7. This relationship is like a slot machine - it pays off just often enough to get me coming back for more. (from an Alanon friend)
This has been so helpful. My counselor will be so pleased that I have worked so hard, (with all your help) on understanding this. Just for today, I did good work.
Many thanks,
R
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