JerseyGirl

Went to my fourth Alanon meeting tonight.

This group is supposed to be discussion weeks 1-3, and a step meeting week 4. Well, they are a tad unorganized, and messed up, and someone was assigned a topic for tonight....fine, ok.

Turns out is was the same exact topic, almost word for word, as the first week I went. And around the room people went....about half the people said basically the same things they had 3 weeks ago. Fine, ok

but, this negative energy was in the air....the topic was supposed to be acceptance, and expectations. And most people used their "share time" to list the things they were having trouble accepting, but it was becoming like a meeting of martyrs anonymous....as people went on and on...everything from I hurt my knee and I can't accept it to the weather makes it hard to drive and I can't accept it. I did not share, but did feel like standing up and yelling - all of you, put on your big girl pants and deal with it....alcoholics in your life or not, no one said every moment of every life needs to be fair.

These are people with YEARS in the program, who like to pat themselves on the back about how far they have come, how much better their lives are now....but tonight, listening to them, I really wanted to just ask - WHY are these things even PROBLEMS? Really? You got the wrong order at Starbucks! OMG!! You are having trouble ACCEPTING that you received such bad service, and were torn over the tip or not tip issue? And I am going to nod my head in understanding while you do mental gyrations over the starbucks issue for 3 solid minutes?

You know, I liked week one, but it has gone downhill every time since. Today I just sat there thinking....omg, please do not ever let me sound like this.

Seriously....is this the norm, or did I just hit an odd group on an odd night?

Mimimalone

LMAO at "Big Girl Pants!!"

Well said and very articulate... I too am am Al-Anon newcomer and am finding my way through this new reality. I guess just follow what they say... Take what you like and leave the rest. At least you got a good clear example of how YOU don't want to be when working the program? Do you have other groups in your area. I have been to two different groups and there was a WORLD of difference between the two.

Hang in there... and come on - its a coffee order. It is ANNOYING when people don't get it right!!!

catlovermi

In quality AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) rooms, the A is supposed to "look for someone who has what they want" in recovery, and the goal is (besides sobriety) to learn to live "happy, joyous, and free."

Some Alanon meetings do tend to be populated by martyrs who are stuck and unhealty. They've learned how to cope by accepting themselves as martyrs. Not what I want; I want the happy, joyous, and free version. I want the get past the pain, fix me, and learn to see the hilarity of life and feel the belly laugh version. I want the I-don't-hurt-like-hell-anymore but I can show patience, tolerance and compassion towards those who currently do, yet not own their problems. I want the permissions to be me, to do what is best for me, to get away from things that are not good for me, and to let you own your issues. Believe it or not, I learned a lot of these things from attending quality open AA meetings, where I could see the process in very concrete terms. I balance open quality AA meetings with Alanon meetings, because I feel it gives me a great perspective, from both sides of a painful disease. When you see someone truly in recovery, on either side of the fence, you KNOW. And you want what they have.

I found that trying different meetings until I clearly saw people who had what I want was important. Don't let the Codie in you try to convince you of things that aren't what you truly want. Keep looking, because those people and those meetings ARE out there!

CLMI

tommyk

My own experience has shown me that meetings often times mirror real life:

Unorganized, messed up, negative energy, imperfect people....

... with some GREAT times mixed in.

CatsPajamas

We suggest to our newcomers that they try at least 6 meetings in 6 weeks, and we encourage them to try different meetings to find the one(s) that will work best for them. In my area we have mostly step meetings and the sparser topic meetings.

When I moved here, I already had a number of yrs in Al Anon and I was really disappointed with the meetings I found. I went to quite a few that sounded like the one you described, and I nearly gave up. I decided to try one more, and it was a perfect fit for me and has become my new home group.

For me, a healthy meeting is one where everyone is allowed to share, there is no cross talk... we stick to the topic, etc. In my group, if a person gets off on a tangent or starts a whine-a-thon, one of the other members will interrupt and say "gosh it sounds like you're in a lot of pain right now. Tonight's topic is acceptance, and we're going to move on to the next person so that everyone can have their time to share. Please be sure to find me after the meeting so we can talk more one on one about what's going on with you. NEXT"

And that works! Unfortunately, there are some unhealthy meetings out there. I hope you have the ability to check out some other meetings. If not, perhaps you can talk to some of the other members who seem to have more recovery and a bit more positive energy and see if they will help you keep things on track.

GiveLove

I had to try several meetings before I found one that did not have that 'victim energy.'

Glad I did that.

Barbara52

Sounds like a bunch of whiners to me not folks with any recovery behind them. I would have been very tempted to say something about the big girl pants.

freya

Well, from what you've written, it appears that you have stumbled upon a very unhealthy group. Healthy 12 Step meetings focus on solutions, not problems -- and most certainly not on luxury problems. The things is, though, in any 12 Step program you are going to find people who have the wounding and issues caused by their exposure to the dysfunction of alcoholism. Ideally, and very often, those people are going to be there to recover -- but it certainly is not unheard of to run into people who are just using the meetings as another venue in which to act out their dysfunction. When you get enough of those people in one group over a long period of time, you end up with a sick group.

The thing is, just because people in a particular group may be acting out, you do not have to provide an audience for them, nor is there any reason why you should.

I think that people have mentioned before to you that it is strongly suggested that you attend 6 - 8 meetings as close together as possible, that means 6 to 8 different meetings, not 6-8 meetings of the same group. Obviously, if you happen to hit an unhealthy group, the chances of the group dynamic changing substantially just because you're there, are small. Unhealthy Al Anon groups are no different than any other unhealthy system: they only change when the pain of staying the same becomes to great and action is taken to affect real change. If you are really interested in getting a good taste of Al Anon, you need to sample some different groups.

freya