want2bfreenow

As you can tell, I'm new. I've posted a little of my story, but just a little. I have been married to my AH for a little over a year and a half (second marriage for both). When we started dating we used to drink and party a lot, but I didn't think much of it at the time. After a while I started to wonder if he had a problem, but then thought because he goes to work everyday and is responsible he must not be. Trying to make a long story short, shortly afer we got married he was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. He also suffers from depression and high blood pressure. He seemed to be doing real good - eating right, quit drinking (or so I thought), until one night I came home from work and found him passed out on the couch and I couldn't wake him up. Thinking he was in a diabetic coma I called an ambulance, only to later find out he was stinking drunk. Boy did I feel like a fool. Since then it has only gotten worse and worse. He has fits of rage where he acts totally evil, and times when he doesn't even get off the couch. He has missed a ton of work in the last year (I think the only thing that has saved his job is 15 years with an excellent record). He has had hallucinations, has been so drunk he can't get up to go to the bathroom, broke things and has thrown up all over the house.

In his "sober" moments he has admitted that he has been drinking heavily for years. I don't know if it is the meds he is on that has made it worse, or the disease progressing, or a combination of both. I am just amazed at how easily the lies just come tumbling out of his mouth without any hesitation. He sees an abuse counselor, but I think he lies to him. He admits he has a problem, but I don't know if he really believes it deep down inside of him. The trust I once had for him is completely gone.

So, now I'm at a point where I need to work on myself and my son's well being. On the one hand, I just want him out of my life, but on the other I do still care, although I don't think I am in love with him anymore. I even feel sorry for him at times, though after all we've been through with him I can't believe I can feel anything good towards him. At this point I don't think I could ever love him romantically again but I'm not 100% sure of that because I know there is a good guy in there somewhere. How do you reconcile all of these feelings? I really need to figure this out, I can't continue to live like this and it certainly isn't fair to my son who is almost 16. Plus, what is this teaching him? Any advice you can offer regarding how to sort through all these conflicting feelings and finally make a decision one way or the other would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance!

Mimimalone

As difficult as it is to read, I think you answer your own question here.

I am going through the same thing (sounds, in fact, like you are married to MY husband) and I have recently separated, which gave him the idea of finally going to rehab... I am simply taking things one day at a time and have made NO promises for the future. I too at this point love him but don't know if I am in love with him to be his wife again but I don't NEED to know that now. ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!

Hang in there - and have you gone to Al-Anon.? It is helping me immensely.

lunarise

I agree with Mimimalone, it is difficult sometimes to recognize that we already have the answer to a very hard question. If its support your looking for, in my humble opinion you should do whatever you need to, to protect yourself and your son. You certainly don't need to have all the answers mapped out, be gentle with yourself.

want2bfreenow

Thank you so much for your responses. I think you're right, I do already know the answer, it's just so difficult. I probably should start going to al-anon. Just reading through the threads and seeing how I am not alone in my situation (although I sure wish no one had to go through the hell I go through) has helped a great deal, I imagine real life support would only help even more.

Startingover2

You do have the answer. Looking back, I realized the damage the drinking caused my other kids. Sad thing is exah is not even their bio dad...he was their stepfather. Now, my kids tell me all the horror stories and lies that exah tried to cover up. Makes me sick.

TakingCharge999

Hi want3befreenow
Your nickname says it as well.. you want to be free now!

I am tired of loving a potential. Sad truth is that he no longer is who he was with me.
I cannot love a ghost or a memory on the last conversation he said he would ALWAYS drink and though everything was my problem. Total denial.

I could have spent all my life waiting.