JustMeInWI

I'm SO frustrated. A long time ago the hardware store put out all these advertisements for this delicious bread. And I went in looking for it. And got upset because they didn't really have any. It was all talk. But a week later, they advertized it again. I really thought this time they might mean it. And again and again and again.

But in the world of Walmart Superstores, it's proven that a store that sells hardware CAN also sell bread.

How in the H*** does a woman know when to just give up believing the advertisements that this particular hardware store (AH) has bread, or that it ever will?

I'm killing myself trying to buy back into AH's lies about his inward changes. And I keep getting hurt. But leaving him is hurting me too. I want his words to be true when he says them, but they are void of actions.

How (and when) do you know it's time to move on? And how to I handle all the questions people ask me that I don't have "good enough" answers (for them) as to why I'm moving on? I've always lived a life in a "glass house" where I was always being scrutinized and my life watched under a microscope, and I always had to answer to somebody about what I was doing and my motives behind my actions (the church calls it accountability).

Bernadette

I've always lived a life in a "glass house" where I was always being scrutinized and my life watched under a microscope, and I always had to answer to somebody about what I was doing and my motives behind my actions (the church calls it accountability).

Well I start by reminding myself that the past is gone and I am free in THIS moment.

So just because you used to do something, or people used to get this or that from you - does not mean it must stay that way. Life should be fluid and flexible when we need it to be, and we can make it so.

People ask you why? Try saying, "It is something I had to do for my own mental health."
or
"It was the right thing to do."
or
"I'm still figuring that out."
or
"I have no idea, a little bird told me to do it."
or
"It's private and personal."

Because seriously it is no one's business but your own.

The less I knew about myself the more susceptible I was to what other people thought of me and the more likely I was to put other people's needs ahead of my own (like thinking I owe an explanation to peripheral people about my life!!)

I had some big issues with "disapproval" and shame in my life. I had some big issues with meeting my own needs in a natural way - without feeling bad, or needing to be angry about it, or expecting others to be mind readers etc. I say it over and over, but it's true, because even with all the books I read etc., I needed AlAnon and one-on-one therapy to figure my sh*t out!!! I couldn't do it on my own.

How do you know when it's time to move on?

Well, what does your gut tell you? If it tells you "I don't know" then I guess you still haven't got all the information you need to make a decision.

peace
b

MissFixit

Just,

I don't know when it is time to move on. Different for everyone.

When will you be fed up with getting hurt? Is getting hurt by his lies more painful than the hurt from leaving him? I don't know the answers to those questions.

I didn't know when to leave. I only knew when to distance myself from his drinking. He left with another after I did that. I still feel hurt, but it is a different hurt. I wish I left earlier.

BeyondBSC

Two years before I made my AH leave my mom told me. You have two choices, stay or go. I woke up one morning, with those words on my mind…it was over. I too had to justify, answer, and talk about it to what seemed the world. Later I figured out that all that time the only one who was really listening to me, other than God, was me. So I had a long talk with Him, and he told me that he forgave me for all my mistakes along the way, and for not coming to him sooner. That was the day I changed my life.
Keep talking to yourself! You sound pretty smart to me.

freya

Well actually, you do always have to answer to somebody....2 "sombodies" really, yourself and your HP.....

So, seeing as you're a church-goer and all, maybe you want to imagine the following:

You die and arrive before God:

He asks you: "So, JustMeInWi, tell me what you've done to protect and nurture the wonderful, unique creature I made you and over whom I gave you total control, and tell me about how you actualized and put-to-use all of the amazing gifts I gave you?"

You reply: (truthfully, because lying really will probably not be such a great idea): "Well, God, you see I really didn't have time to do much of that because I was too busy trying to nurture and protect A and trying to get A to actualize and put-to-good-use all of the potential I saw You had given him and over which You had given him total control.....and I just couldn't seem to make any of that happen, but it really didn't leave me any time or energy for nurturing myself or for actualizing my gifts."

How do you really suppose that that's gonna go over?????

.......because, IMHO, that's the only real accountability any of us needs to be concerned about.

freya

ToughChoices

I pray daily for faith, patience, acceptance, and courage.

I need faith - to remind me that all is as it should be.
I need patience - since it takes time to align my will with that of my HP.
I need acceptance - as there is just so much that is outside of my power.
I need courage - because I know there will be a time for action.

I'm currently in the gray zone of my marriage, too, JustMe. There are days when I would love to make THE decision and be done with it - but I'm not quite ready for that decision yet. I can, in the meantime, make many other decisions that are in my best interest. All of this comes about quite naturally and in its own time.

You're taking some time away from your husband right now, correct?
May I suggest spending a good portion of that time NOT DECIDING what to do about your marriage - just living, working, talking, laughing, enjoying friendships, eating good food, and seeing what your life looks like in a few months?

Perhaps you will find, at the end of your "break" that you miss your husband terribly - that you have found other ways of meeting some of the needs he is unable to fulfill, and you would like to try to rekindle your relationship.
Perhaps you will find that your life is rich and full without him - that he does not add to your joy but takes from it, and divorce is in your best interest.

Whatever you decide, you need only be accountable to yourself and your HP. Truly. No one else has the required insight into your unique situation (and I think you'll find that those of us who HAVE lived with the problem of alcoholism and begun to work a recovery of our own do not judge you harshly or require explanations).

Take care, sweets. Thinking of you today.
-TC

silkspin

I'm continually blown away by the insightful comments and support that all of you have to offer!

Just, everyone here has given great food for thought, for all of us. My only 2 cents is that I thought that if I ever decided to separate it would happen with lots of fireworks, me yelling and screaming at him to GET OUT, but the night I realized, I grew very tired, went to bed at 8pm, woke at 9am, got up and told him that was it. Very quiet. I just knew. That's when you know it's right.

laurie6781

Okay Just, going to try and answer some of your questions to the best of my ability.

Very simple answer: "I choose not to discuss this as it is VERY PERSONAL." Change topic. Repeat as often as necessary.

BULL, the church calls it 'butting in' when it is NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS

Your "Accountability" is to YOURSELF and HP. What others think of you is really none of your business.

I have found that as long as I am TRUE to myself and HP then I have nothing to be afraid of. IF I have fear, then my faith is slipping.

REMEMBER............................the 'advertisements' are JUST QUACKING. Only his ACTIONS, over time, a LONG TIME, will show just how serious, if at all he is about recovery.

And there is no reason for you to sit and wait to see if the Actions will show this. I have always believed that if we, you, I, or anyone else are suppose to be together, then further down life's road we will get back together, and if not we won't.

In the meantime, I have enough LOVE for myself to no longer subject myself to that kind of hurt and pain.

I believe your answer is to start focusing on YOU, taking care of YOU, living YOUR LIFE to the best of YOUR ABILITY, and if, he does find recovery sometime in the future and you are suppose to be together it will happen. Why do you hate yourself so much to keep putting yourself through this pain? You know

You didn't CAUSE it.

You can't CONTROL it.

and

You can't CURE it.

So...............................................w hat is your next step going to be?

Love and hugs,

chrisea

if I ever decided... it would happen with lots of fireworks, me yelling and screaming

I didn't do alot of yelling (maybe in my head),I didn't see any fireworks when he left...

Now, I sure see the beauty in fireworks, sunrises, sunsets, any time of the day, since I decided it was time to move on.

splendra

When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired of him you will know it is time to move on and not one moment before.

ToughChoices

I am working on quietly observing the painful moments that pop up in my relationship (the disappointments, broken promises, unavailability) and saying "Thank you" to my HP when they occur.
Because in many ways that pain is a gift. It serves as an important reality check. It prevents me from running back into the comfort of fantasy and "what might be," and it requires me to be creative in getting my emotional needs met (through friends, family, Al-Anon, etc...). These are good exercises for me.

I firmly believe that there will come a day when I am weary of this particular type of pain. It will be too tedious to endure. I'm not sure that this weariness will result in a dramatic burst of tears or an angry fight - it may well end with a sigh and a hug and the knowledge that I've truly given it my best.

I read once that a healthy divorce occurs when you can walk away from the marriage having already dealt with your anger and doubt. When you know that the marriage is not what you want/need and you have forgiven your former spouse and yourself for the way things worked out. Many people get divorced (often out of necessity - abuse or abandonment) before they are finished with anger and doubt, but those emotions must still be processed - whether you are married or not.

Bjen

I think when it is time to move on you feel it. You get tired in your soul. For me, the desire to try, compromise, just care in general diminished. At that point is when I was ready to change.

want2bfreenow

I think I just reposted this thread in different words. Lots of great advice here, you people rock!

JustMeInWi we seem to be in similar places right now. I wish I had some answers for you, but I'm struggling with the same questions. Good luck to you! :ghug3

Mimimalone

A wise person told me that you know you are done when you spend more time thinking about and even fantasizing and planning your life apart than thinking about your future together. That really tipped it for me.

freeflower

TC, i agree with your post. I am so glad I didn't leave and just file right away. It's been 9 months and I really wanted to work out all my sadness and madness so I could leave my marrage with some peace and dignity. My ah has given me space and more time than most would and he has not sought after any recovery at all. Still drinking and pushing his loved ones away because of it. We are going to have to talk soon and I finally think i can say what I feel with no guilt. I'm moving on and maybe someday he will get with the program and maybe not. I figure our paths of romance could cross again someday if he ever decides to recover but until than and maybe never, I am finding my own happiness. I knew when I was done, the turky was cooked and I made arrangements and moved. so sad and somehow such a simple solution.

silkspin

I have felt like that many times over this last month that I've separated from AH. It's a strong pull, not because I liked my situation but because it's what I've known and what's been familiar to me. Despite the 'pull' I still know that it's the right thing, for right now.

Some advice my sister gave me once when I was out of a former relationship - when your mind starts to wander, imagine a big STOP SIGN in your head. It actually worked and kept my mind on recovery and not the past. I've been using it a lot lately...

JustMeInWI

First - thank you to EVERYONE for all your posts. Your encouragements (and exhortations) are SOO moving and helpful and I don't know what I'd do with y'all.

Thank you for bringing that up Freya. It's ironic that just yesterday I was talking to AH about my having to stand before God one day and answer for each thing I've done in my life, good and bad. It's nice to be reminded that God won't just question me about the good and bad I did for/to OTHERS, but also to MYSELF. The self part of my life has been overlooked by everyone since I was just a kid, so this is a huge learning curve for me to get through.

Thank you Laurie!!! You are SOOO good at getting to the point, and I love that. I'll be copying those three things into my journal to read back on and remind myself daily. Maybe I'll put them as reminders on my bathroom mirror too!!!

The reason I have not spent my time NOT DECIDING is because AH is constantly badgering/pushing me to MAKE A DECISION. He seems to already have his plans made for whichever course I decide, but he doesn't want to "wait around another 3 months". He wants me to either tell him I love him and want to move back home right now, or that it's over so he can "move on" with his life (find a new lover, etc). These are words from his own mouth. I guess just admitting that this is his stance really helps me realize which choice I SHOULD make for MY happiness. He is so selfish.

Thanks again to ALL of you for your ES&L!!!
- JustMe

lovtolaff

Perfect description - "tired in your soul". I was SO weary and so TIRED; mentally and physically. I'm not saying that I still didn't love him, oh I did, to the CORE....but I couldn't take anymore.

I had to start thinking about ME...me, my son, my life. He sucked everything right out of me and it was starting to take its toll. Hardest thing I ever had to do (in my mind) was to end it with him. But I had no other choice. It was never going to change - it was only getting worse.

I now know that I'm better off without him. Much better.

want2bfreenow

Wow, this really hit home for me. Thank you.

Pajarito

I'm not even done reading this thread and I've already gotten teary-eyed (freya), and laughed out loud (anvilhead) This forum is an amazing place! ~Paj