ToughChoices

Blessedx4 posted this on another thread, but I think it's such an interesting topic - it deserves its own thread!

An active alcoholic is a deep pool of need.
I could see this very clearly - my husband had needs - lots of them! He needs love, understanding, peace, quiet, and an endless supply of vodka.

I knew his childhood struggles, and his problems at work. I knew about his strained relationship with his father and one of his brothers. I knew about the history of abuse and neglect.
I could completely understand why my AH had needs - he had lived with pain.

By comparison my childhood was a cakewalk. My parents loved me and encouraged me. I was never hit - never abandoned. I love my career choice, and I get along well with my siblings.

I had to ask myself : Does this mean that my needs should come after his?
For how long? Forever? Does this mean that I have to sacrifice the life that I want as penance for crimes that I did not commit - pain that I did not cause?

Slowly but surely I found the answers to these questions.

He has needs.
So do I.
Both are equally important.

Just as it is not his job to meet my needs (it was not difficult to convince myself of this - he reminded me on a regular basis!) - it is not my job to meet his. We are grown-ups, and as such, we are responsible for taking care of ourselves and helping each other out when possible.

I started to realize that if I didn't act in my own best interest, no one was going to. I was going to live a "left-over life," instead of actively seeking joy.

I've always looked at my husband and thought, "He is beautiful and good. He deserves love and peace."
Now, I look at myself and I think, "She is beautiful and good. She deserves love and peace."

I can't give my husband peace - but I can give it to myself. Today I see that as my mission, and it helps me assert myself when it is appropriate to do so.

Other thoughts?

lovtolaff

Amen.

FormerDoormat

I learned from my mother at a very young age that it was my role in society, as a woman, to place everyone's needs above my own--particularly that of my husband or partner and children. Certainly my mother practiced what she preached and then she always voiced (usually under her breath) that nobody seemed to care about her needs or would return the favor.

I can only speak for myself, but I'd wager that many other women learned this same self-sacrificing belief from their mothers as well. I'm interested in what others (particularly women) have to say about this topic, TG. Thanks for bringing it up.

By the way, it's interesting to note that I would describe my childhood and my relationship with my parents and siblings very much the same way you described yours.

dothi

Cheers to your new mission - it's a very sane one

Besides, why should you pay for a childhood you were no more powerful to negotiate than your husband was - even if it was good.

Pajarito

Same here. It probably didn't help that I am also the oldest of 7 children. Can I take it a step further and ask whether it could also be cultural? Don't all cultures value a woman's role as nurturer? This is something I've talked with my therapist about extensively. We've also discussed the role of the long-suffering wife- (again- cultural? Catholic- which I am!) giving all, and doing all for her marriage- I'd say this is probably the case whether married to an alcoholic or not.

It's a foreign concept for me to look more closely at what I want just for me. But, it's something I am doing while keeping this in mind: No one but me can meet my needs, and to expect someone else to do this for me is unrealistic. I'm hopeful that one day- when I feel more whole, I will find someone who enhances my life.

JustMeInWI

Yep. My mom to a tee. And now that I've moved out and filed for divorce (though still struggling on whether to actually finalize it or not) she and I cannot even talk. She is so angry with me for "turning my back on him" and "putting them through this pain of divorce". How DARE I decide that my needs, feelings, thoughts, hurts, life is more important than my H, or hers, or my sisters, or... etc.

I grew up homeschooled. My mom started having babies again when I was 10 and didn't stop until I was 18 (and moved myself out). So my entire adolesence I spent being reminded that it was my place to help raise my sisters and that my personal needs were unimportant, and when I spoke up about what I thought, felt, or wanted, I was being rude and selfish.

I'm just now seeing how wrong this was. Seeing that I've lived my whole adult life up to this point by these rules. I'm starting to break free of that way of thinking, that underlying value system, but it is NOT easy. Especially with my family freaking out by my rocking the boat (a LOT).

But I'm not gonna give up. Just keep cycling through until I get it right

jehnifer

"I can't give my husband peace - but I can give it to myself. Today I see that as my mission, and it helps me assert myself when it is appropriate to do so."

THANK YOU FOR THIS. I JUST EMAILED IT TO MYSELF SO ITS IN MY INBOX AND I CAN GO LOOK AT IT MANY TIMES EACH DAY!!