Frustrated w/sister

Old 01-28-2009, 08:36 AM
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Frustrated w/sister

Sorry this is soo long: I will give a little background before my vent; My older sister who is 42 has been drinking since we were in high school. She was raised by my dysfunctional mother and I was raised by my father in another state (sister came back and forth between the homes every few years). Sister had baby when she was in her 20's, the father left her, never paid child support, has been in jail up to recently. Sister worked as bartender in strip clubs in the past, and now works as a waitress in an upscale restaurant.

Over the years she has repeatedly called me drunk from her state to tell me that she hates me, to threaten suicide, or to just cry on the phone for hours. She has no friends, and no stable relationships, because she burns everyone out with her drunk behavior and her neediness when sober. She hit bottom in July , moved home with my mother, and decided to stop drinking. She won't go to AA, see's a therapist sporadically, and refuses to talk about being an alcoholic. Instead she says that she is focused on going to the gym 2x's a day so that she will "look hot" and get any guy she wants (because that will solve her problems). Even sober she is hard to deal with because she only talks about herself, calls multiple times a day, if I am unavailable she makes nasty comments about how she isn't important enough to be a priority.

Since July she has been relapsing about every 30 days. She also enrolled back in college again. I am pregnant and just came back from vacation this week. My welcome back phone call on Monday was her drunk about how she is sick of me and wants me to leave her alone...etc. Her 20y.o. daughter called me upset because she has been binge drinking for the past week.

I woke up last night and was just alternating between anger at her and wanting to write her off; and worry about what will happen if I am not there for her. I feel bad because she brings out the worst in me and I often lose my temper with her and then feel guilty. I always address with her the drunk phone behavior and usually get a reluctant sorry and justification for why she relapsed and is now done with it. I let my brother know about her relapseand he will probably call her, but I am just furious at her for continuing this cycle. I am sick of having to listen to her woe is me stories about her life and nasty comments to me because my life must be perfect because I am married, have a home, career, etc.
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Old 01-28-2009, 08:54 AM
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Hi sobrsstr
welcome-

I have 3 A brothers in varying stages of the disease. I can really relate to your post - esp. the drunken phone calls and relapsing and the total lack of understanding that your life must be just a fairy walk in the park!!

She's an alcoholic and she is just doing what alcoholics do.

All my rage and frustration at my brothers was making me cuckoo and sick. AlAnon really turned my head around. It got me to accept once and for all that I cannot "help" or "rescue" my brothers. They are adults and they are choosing the life they want. Just like I did. They know where to go for help!!!

I have some pretty firm boundaries in place. I most defintaely screen my calls and I never answer a call from them later than 8pm - because chances are they will be drunk. I simply do not have any conversations with them when they are drunk. Why? - it's pointless, fruitless, and I don't want to have to tell them later what they said and hear their lame apologies. Little less talk, little more action!!

I base my decisions solely on how they behave, not on ANYTHING they say. If I am around them and they start drinking I leave the room or the house or the party whatever. Not in a nasty way - it's just a signal to me that NO FUN is on the way so I say "I gotta go, kisses, byeeeeeeeeeee!!!"

It's taken me a long time to get to this place but all the work and struggle with MYSELF to detach, get out of their way, and live and let live has been really good for ME!!

Keep posting and reading around this site - lots of good info --especially in the "stickies" at the top of the first page of this forum.

-peace-B.
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Old 01-28-2009, 09:41 AM
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First of all, from what you've said in your post, when she is not drinking, your sister is "dry," not "sober;" there is a huge difference.

Secondly, clearly she is not interested in "being there" for herself or for anyone else, so I'm not exactly sure why you feel you have to be there for her????? Personally, I have found that it is frustrating, dangerous and a very poor use of my time to actively care more about people than they care about themselves. I mean, I can love them, and I can pray for them, and I can hope for the best for them, but if they aren't willing to do their part, then I don't rightfully even have a part to do as far as I can tell.

Finally, I do not allow anyone to treat me with disrespect -- and I recognize no caveat to that intention for people just because they happen to be blood-relatives, regardless of how close. I have in the past stopped taking calls from and/or talking to family members who were engaging in poor and/or disrespectful behavior towards me. Now, since I am pretty good at setting boundaries, most people have been able "to hear" me when I say "no contact, but there have been times when I've had to change my number or block certain e-mail addresses, etc.... I will do what I have to to make sure that my boundaries are respected, and I will certainly do so again if the need arises.

I've said it before, but it seems to always need repeating: we teach people how to treat us, and, thus, we have both the right and the responsibility to teach them to treat us right or to get them out of our lives, at least insofar as is necessary to ensure that we are not going to be affected by their bad behavior. So, if someone is disrespecting or abusing us repeatedly, there comes a point pretty early on in the situation when we bear as much responsibility for it as they do, and we have just as much power to put an end to it as they do.

Do what you need to do to take care of you and to make it clear that you deserve and will have respect.

freya
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Old 01-28-2009, 12:35 PM
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Thanks for the responses. It is helpful to hear others perspectives. I was hopeful that my sister was heading toward becoming sober, but I agree she is dry- not sober. In the past I kept my sister in my life because of her daughter(to help the daughter), but now the daughter is in college. I have been thinking about sending my sister a letter telling her not to contact me again until she is actively working on her recovery. What do people think?
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Old 01-28-2009, 02:18 PM
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If I were you, I definitely would refuse to pick up the phone if she called, would delete emails unread, etc. There is no reason why I would accept abuse from anyone. That's what her bahvior is, abusive. And you have the choice to refuse to take the abuse any longer. A letter letting her know sounds like a good choice. Or a simple phone call. And then stick to your resolve.
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