A Positive Message
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
A Positive Message
It’s been 7 months since I said goodbye to my xabf. I’m posting this because maybe there are some out there that in spite of knowing that things are not going to change, you are still holding on to your life with an alcoholic/addict. It could be for a variety of reasons, but MY reason for holding on was that I did NOT want to lose him. I loved him with everything I had. So I’m hoping to touch those of you that are feeling the same way and possibly feel like you just wouldn’t be happy or complete without him/her.
I’m here to convince you otherwise. There is SO much life to live. Normal, drama-less, peaceful, content life. I’m not saying that I’m totally over him, not at all, I’m just saying that I’ve finally come to the conclusion that I’m BETTER off without him. My head knew this for quite some time and my heart is finally getting the message too. Yes I still have pangs of “something” for him but it’s not the same as it used to be. Not even close.
Awhile back I decided that there is some fun and happy times to be had and by golly I want in on those times. I could either sit and wallow in what could have been or I could get up, get moving and focus on exactly what IS.
The “what is” for me is coming home to a quiet, cozy, warm house that is mine; spending time in my bedroom/sanctuary either reading books or reading sober recovery; not waking up and wondering what drama the day holds for me and mine but instead waking up slowly and puttering around with my coffee and the morning news on; cuddling up with my little dog who loves me no matter what; spending time with my dearest friends laughing and enjoying long or short outings with them because I don’t have that black pit in my stomach wondering what the x would be doing.
More “what is’s” for me are my job which I truly do love and can go to every day without worry about what will happen if it rains/snows and x gets off early; my ability to plan my spring/summer garden with things that are for ME; my ability to cook and eat whatever it is I want for dinner and eat it before 10 p.m. with no guilt b/c I wasn’t eating “with” x (he ate right before bed as to not interfere with his buzz); going to a rock concert the other night with my best friends and NO ONE in our group drank a drop (I would have never took x to a concert – oh the humiliation); taking a weekly yoga class just because I wanted to and I can and planning several summer camping trips and looking forward to the reason for camping which would be PEACE and relaxation. Oh there are probably hundreds of little things I could list but I think you probably get the idea.
I’m sorry this is so long but I want everyone to see that yes I am living without my x…and am actually pretty darned happy about it lately. It took me awhile but I’m getting there. I like me and I like me time. I like having honest, dependable, positive people in my life and it has really made me realize what I subjected myself to during those 2 years of being with an alcoholic. You see – I never wanted my relationship with my x to end – I wanted him to hurry up and realize how is drinking/drugs affected us and how our relationship could be damned near perfect if only he would quit doing this or that. But you see, it doesn’t work that way. It starts with you and knowing what you want in this life and knowing that you deserve happiness.
So I guess I could sum it all up by saying I’m holding my head up high – I’m thinking positive, affirmative thoughts – and I’m living my life the way I want to live it.
Peace to everyone.
I’m here to convince you otherwise. There is SO much life to live. Normal, drama-less, peaceful, content life. I’m not saying that I’m totally over him, not at all, I’m just saying that I’ve finally come to the conclusion that I’m BETTER off without him. My head knew this for quite some time and my heart is finally getting the message too. Yes I still have pangs of “something” for him but it’s not the same as it used to be. Not even close.
Awhile back I decided that there is some fun and happy times to be had and by golly I want in on those times. I could either sit and wallow in what could have been or I could get up, get moving and focus on exactly what IS.
The “what is” for me is coming home to a quiet, cozy, warm house that is mine; spending time in my bedroom/sanctuary either reading books or reading sober recovery; not waking up and wondering what drama the day holds for me and mine but instead waking up slowly and puttering around with my coffee and the morning news on; cuddling up with my little dog who loves me no matter what; spending time with my dearest friends laughing and enjoying long or short outings with them because I don’t have that black pit in my stomach wondering what the x would be doing.
More “what is’s” for me are my job which I truly do love and can go to every day without worry about what will happen if it rains/snows and x gets off early; my ability to plan my spring/summer garden with things that are for ME; my ability to cook and eat whatever it is I want for dinner and eat it before 10 p.m. with no guilt b/c I wasn’t eating “with” x (he ate right before bed as to not interfere with his buzz); going to a rock concert the other night with my best friends and NO ONE in our group drank a drop (I would have never took x to a concert – oh the humiliation); taking a weekly yoga class just because I wanted to and I can and planning several summer camping trips and looking forward to the reason for camping which would be PEACE and relaxation. Oh there are probably hundreds of little things I could list but I think you probably get the idea.
I’m sorry this is so long but I want everyone to see that yes I am living without my x…and am actually pretty darned happy about it lately. It took me awhile but I’m getting there. I like me and I like me time. I like having honest, dependable, positive people in my life and it has really made me realize what I subjected myself to during those 2 years of being with an alcoholic. You see – I never wanted my relationship with my x to end – I wanted him to hurry up and realize how is drinking/drugs affected us and how our relationship could be damned near perfect if only he would quit doing this or that. But you see, it doesn’t work that way. It starts with you and knowing what you want in this life and knowing that you deserve happiness.
So I guess I could sum it all up by saying I’m holding my head up high – I’m thinking positive, affirmative thoughts – and I’m living my life the way I want to live it.
Peace to everyone.
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
Thanks so much for this post lovtolaff! I am in that ambivelant "should I stay or should I go" stage. My head knows I NEED to go but that damn heart gets in the way -- it's such a sick way of thinking (and I'm going on 10 years of thinking it!). It gives me hope and motivation to hear that there is light at the end of the tunnel
thank you
thank you
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
You sound so great, L -t - L. So glad you are taking care of yourself and your needs. If you don't do it, who will? I remember when I finally made the break how much I loved my little house and the atmosphere I was able to create in it. Good for you 
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
I remember when I finally made the break how much I loved my little house and the atmosphere I was able to create in it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
Hi LTL, wow 7 months! You may remember some of my posts as I was just behind you - I left my AH 5 months ago and we shared very similar experiences.
When I read your post I smiled, big time, I am right there with you! I too have a new home that is my sanctuary with my not so little dog (he weighs 108 pounds), supportive friends who love and respect me and take yoga classes. Lots of similar activities.
I don't obsess over my AH anymore, I have accepted who he is, accepted that I loved him, accepted that I will always love him and let him go.
For me, serenity began when I learned to distinguish between those things that I could change and those I could not. When I admitted that there were people, places, things, and situations over which I was totally powerless, those things began to lose their power over me. I learned that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and learn from them - without my interference, judgment, or assistance!
The key to my serenity is acceptance. But "acceptance" does not mean that I have to like it, condone it, or even ignore it. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it... and I have to accept that fact. Nor does it mean that I have to accept "unacceptable behavior." Today I have choices. I no longer have to accept abuse in any form. I can choose to walk away, even if it means stepping out into the unknown. I no longer have to fear "change" or the unknown. I can merely accept it as part of the journey. I spent years trying to change things in my life over which I was powerless, but did not know it. I threatened, scolded, manipulated, coerced, pleaded, begged, pouted, bribed and generally tried everything I could to make the situation better - only to watch as things always got progressively worse.
I spent so much time trying to change the things I could not change, it never once occurred to me to simply accept them as they were.
Now when things in my life are not going the way I planned them, or downright bad things happen, I can remind myself that whatever is going on is not happening by accident. There's a reason for it and it is not always meant for me to know what that reason is. That change in attitude has been the key to happiness for me.
Over the past few months I have lost weight, I have become a non-smoker, and I'm rediscovering my spiritual persona.
I've read a few posts on SR lately from women who are in their fifties and are afraid of leaving/making a new life for themselves. Well I'm 54 and I did it, was it difficult, yes and no, was it painful, yes excruciating at times. Has it been worth it? YES!
Good to read your post LTL - thank you!
When I read your post I smiled, big time, I am right there with you! I too have a new home that is my sanctuary with my not so little dog (he weighs 108 pounds), supportive friends who love and respect me and take yoga classes. Lots of similar activities.
I don't obsess over my AH anymore, I have accepted who he is, accepted that I loved him, accepted that I will always love him and let him go.
For me, serenity began when I learned to distinguish between those things that I could change and those I could not. When I admitted that there were people, places, things, and situations over which I was totally powerless, those things began to lose their power over me. I learned that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and learn from them - without my interference, judgment, or assistance!
The key to my serenity is acceptance. But "acceptance" does not mean that I have to like it, condone it, or even ignore it. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it... and I have to accept that fact. Nor does it mean that I have to accept "unacceptable behavior." Today I have choices. I no longer have to accept abuse in any form. I can choose to walk away, even if it means stepping out into the unknown. I no longer have to fear "change" or the unknown. I can merely accept it as part of the journey. I spent years trying to change things in my life over which I was powerless, but did not know it. I threatened, scolded, manipulated, coerced, pleaded, begged, pouted, bribed and generally tried everything I could to make the situation better - only to watch as things always got progressively worse.
I spent so much time trying to change the things I could not change, it never once occurred to me to simply accept them as they were.
Now when things in my life are not going the way I planned them, or downright bad things happen, I can remind myself that whatever is going on is not happening by accident. There's a reason for it and it is not always meant for me to know what that reason is. That change in attitude has been the key to happiness for me.
Over the past few months I have lost weight, I have become a non-smoker, and I'm rediscovering my spiritual persona.
I've read a few posts on SR lately from women who are in their fifties and are afraid of leaving/making a new life for themselves. Well I'm 54 and I did it, was it difficult, yes and no, was it painful, yes excruciating at times. Has it been worth it? YES!
Good to read your post LTL - thank you!
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
I've read a few posts on SR lately from women who are in their fifties and are afraid of leaving/making a new life for themselves. Well I'm 54 and I did it, was it difficult, yes and no, was it painful, yes excruciating at times. Has it been worth it? YES!
You see - I could not live anymore with the anxiety, the feelings of not being enough for someone, the turmoil, the constant drama. And around the 6 month mark, he started calling me again begging me to take him back. He told me that he loved me and wanted me back in his life and that he would quit drinking/drugging and it would be perfect - ya know what? He might have quit all that stuff but I did not want to live the rest of my life WAITING on him to relapse. Just couldn't do it. I had to be strong (stronger than I EVER thought I could be) and tell him...no, I can't do it.
Like I said - it still hurts sometimes but I'm taking that hurt and using it to grow within myself. I'm learning from it and I've stopped questioning WHY this person came into my life and raped me of my heart and soul. There is a reason and I'm sure there is a plan and for now I'm ok with that. I have tons to be thankful for and I am focusing on all of those things.
I couldn't have done it without this board and everyone here that listened and never judged. Yes, when I first came here, I didn't want to hear most of what was said....I still had HOPE....I still thought my alcoholic was different...I still thought he loved me enough to get this right. But after months of nothing changing, I knew...I knew that everyone here was right and I needed to make a move for me. I made that move and I couldn't be more proud of myself.
For those of you that are scared of the unknown....take it one day at a time. Even the smallest changes and thoughts will start making you see things different - you only get ONE life and it's not a dress rehearsal.
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