Reaching out
Getting better every day!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Clinton Twp, MI
Posts: 118
Reaching out
Hello everyone. I thought I'd introduce myself before I start posting anywhere else. My name is Judi and my husband discovered this forum last week after his latest binge. He had been trying to control his drinking, just drinking beer and wine, and I think doing a fairly good job for about 6 months, but last Monday he decided to have a DRINK. He did some extremely hurtful things while he was drunk that day, things I'm slowly healing from.
I thought it would help to reach out to some people who've been there. In some ways I've been hesitant to reach out because, well, it's just not that bad here, especially not for the last 6 months or so (drinking wise anyway). I mean, he wasn't drunk all the time, didn't drink every day, and was exerting enough control to not drink any liquor, which really was the problem. Hell, even before he started trying to control it, he only had a "problem drunk" once or twice a year, so drinking didn't seem like a problem I lived with every day....most days his drinking just wasn't a problem. So groups like al-anon just seemed out of proportion to the problems we were dealing with.
Anyway, last Monday he got really wasted and did some very hurtful things, that he doesn't remember doing. He also did some things, like lie to me and say he'd only had 6 beers when in reality he'd had 6 beers plus a very strong very big custom drink from the bartender, that really shocked him. When he'd sobered up and he told me about the custom drink and I told him he'd lied to me earlier, he was shocked. When I told him how mad he'd gotten when I mentioned that I enable him in some ways (when he's drunk everything in the world is his fault), and how he'd gone to close himself in the bedroom and when I tried to open the door he tried to hold it closed and keep me out, he was horrified....he's never tried to physically control where I go in any way like that.
So now he's here and getting help and I'm so very grateful. I'm having some trouble with my own issues, like how the things he e-mailed to my cousin hurt me, and how do I deal with that with him when he doesn't even remember doing it, how those things put a big bright spotlight on the other relationship issues we've been having since last summer, and how do I trust that THIS time is the time it's really going to get better? What do I do when I want to have a glass of wine after work? He says go ahead, but I'm just not comfortable drinking in front of him at all right now.
Mostly I'm just trying to be patient. I have my own anxiety issues, that were greatly improved with help from a wonderful therapist last year, but I fear they'll come to the front again. So far they haven't much. But when they do my thoughts turn very fatalistic....one small bump in the road and I start thinking "this will never get better, ever, I'm always going to be dealing with this." type thoughts. I know I'm better now than I was last year, because I'm not having any anxiety attacks, and I got out of that way of thinking Monday night pretty quickly....but it's still there to some degree.
Anyway, that's probably enough for now, lol. Mostly I'm just grateful that he's finally seeing the need to do something about it, and he's really taking it all very seriously. He wants to be a better man, and I truly hope he can figure out how to get there. Thank you, SR, for being here, for both of us!
-Judi
I thought it would help to reach out to some people who've been there. In some ways I've been hesitant to reach out because, well, it's just not that bad here, especially not for the last 6 months or so (drinking wise anyway). I mean, he wasn't drunk all the time, didn't drink every day, and was exerting enough control to not drink any liquor, which really was the problem. Hell, even before he started trying to control it, he only had a "problem drunk" once or twice a year, so drinking didn't seem like a problem I lived with every day....most days his drinking just wasn't a problem. So groups like al-anon just seemed out of proportion to the problems we were dealing with.
Anyway, last Monday he got really wasted and did some very hurtful things, that he doesn't remember doing. He also did some things, like lie to me and say he'd only had 6 beers when in reality he'd had 6 beers plus a very strong very big custom drink from the bartender, that really shocked him. When he'd sobered up and he told me about the custom drink and I told him he'd lied to me earlier, he was shocked. When I told him how mad he'd gotten when I mentioned that I enable him in some ways (when he's drunk everything in the world is his fault), and how he'd gone to close himself in the bedroom and when I tried to open the door he tried to hold it closed and keep me out, he was horrified....he's never tried to physically control where I go in any way like that.
So now he's here and getting help and I'm so very grateful. I'm having some trouble with my own issues, like how the things he e-mailed to my cousin hurt me, and how do I deal with that with him when he doesn't even remember doing it, how those things put a big bright spotlight on the other relationship issues we've been having since last summer, and how do I trust that THIS time is the time it's really going to get better? What do I do when I want to have a glass of wine after work? He says go ahead, but I'm just not comfortable drinking in front of him at all right now.
Mostly I'm just trying to be patient. I have my own anxiety issues, that were greatly improved with help from a wonderful therapist last year, but I fear they'll come to the front again. So far they haven't much. But when they do my thoughts turn very fatalistic....one small bump in the road and I start thinking "this will never get better, ever, I'm always going to be dealing with this." type thoughts. I know I'm better now than I was last year, because I'm not having any anxiety attacks, and I got out of that way of thinking Monday night pretty quickly....but it's still there to some degree.
Anyway, that's probably enough for now, lol. Mostly I'm just grateful that he's finally seeing the need to do something about it, and he's really taking it all very seriously. He wants to be a better man, and I truly hope he can figure out how to get there. Thank you, SR, for being here, for both of us!
-Judi
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Hello and welcome
I found it helpful to read the stickies and some of the other stories here as well
Have you thought about attending Alanon?
Has he thought about attending AA?
These two things not only saved my life, but made life "fun" again and gave me a new way to live.
I found it helpful to read the stickies and some of the other stories here as well
Have you thought about attending Alanon?
Has he thought about attending AA?
These two things not only saved my life, but made life "fun" again and gave me a new way to live.
Getting better every day!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Clinton Twp, MI
Posts: 118
Thanks...I'm reading as much as I can while still trying to get some work done, lol.
He went to an AA meeting last summer, before he was willing to really quit altogether. He really doesn't feel AA is for him, and he's looking into alternatives. He's found the secular 12 steps very helpful, and he's looking into a secular recovery group in our area.
Right now I'm not looking into alanon.....I'm a solitary person, I don't feel comfortable hashing out my issues in groups like that, not live and in person. However, online groups like this are wonderful. I have a small group of friends on a private forum who have been supporting me through this, and some of them have dealt with similar problems in their own lives, but I thought a forum like this one might provide even more help.
He went to an AA meeting last summer, before he was willing to really quit altogether. He really doesn't feel AA is for him, and he's looking into alternatives. He's found the secular 12 steps very helpful, and he's looking into a secular recovery group in our area.
Right now I'm not looking into alanon.....I'm a solitary person, I don't feel comfortable hashing out my issues in groups like that, not live and in person. However, online groups like this are wonderful. I have a small group of friends on a private forum who have been supporting me through this, and some of them have dealt with similar problems in their own lives, but I thought a forum like this one might provide even more help.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Hi there and welcome, I'm a newbie here too. Lots of great reading and supportive comments from members I find.
I have been going to al anon for 6 months and it has really changed my life. Not only regarding the A in my life, but has opened up my eyes to me and my own behaviours and attitudes. I wasn't a solitary person as much as a person wanting to keep my problems 'solitary' - it was hard to go to a live group and have my face put public that I have these issues at home. You can even go and just listen, you don't have to say anything. But I have found warmth, friendship, kinship and support in the stories I hear, and they have propelled me forward in some subtle and non-subtle ways that have really improved my life and my relationship with my A. He is similar to yours, a weekend party drinker, with a quasi-normal life in between. It doesn't mean that the booze hasn't affected our lives profoundly even if it isn't as 'in your face' as some A's are. He has been sober almost a month, and I attribute his attempt at recovery with my own recovery in al anon.
It was really hard to take that first step and go to al anon but I was glad I did. You do what is right for you, but please remain open to it as it is very helpful. It's really not as intimidating as I first thought.
I have been going to al anon for 6 months and it has really changed my life. Not only regarding the A in my life, but has opened up my eyes to me and my own behaviours and attitudes. I wasn't a solitary person as much as a person wanting to keep my problems 'solitary' - it was hard to go to a live group and have my face put public that I have these issues at home. You can even go and just listen, you don't have to say anything. But I have found warmth, friendship, kinship and support in the stories I hear, and they have propelled me forward in some subtle and non-subtle ways that have really improved my life and my relationship with my A. He is similar to yours, a weekend party drinker, with a quasi-normal life in between. It doesn't mean that the booze hasn't affected our lives profoundly even if it isn't as 'in your face' as some A's are. He has been sober almost a month, and I attribute his attempt at recovery with my own recovery in al anon.
It was really hard to take that first step and go to al anon but I was glad I did. You do what is right for you, but please remain open to it as it is very helpful. It's really not as intimidating as I first thought.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
I was uncomfortable with the idea of Alanon at first too. I thought my situation wasn't that bad. I thought that way even after my husband was in a DUI and lost a limb...I was in ALOT of denial. 
Fast forward 7 years and it got worse...the lies, arrogance, selfishness, hurtful and inconsiderate actions, the affairs, and not taking care of me when I got sick. I didn't know that alcohlolism is progressive...it always gets worse. Somewhere in that mess I hit my bottom and realized I had become sick and in some ways my behavior was worse for my children that his was. That is when I sought help.
I started individual counseling which helped tremendously. I began reading recovery books and 2 of my favorites are: Codependent No More and How Alanon Works. And I finally mustered up the courage to attend Alanon. I found it wasn't people talking about their issues in detail. For me Alanon was people discussing how to live healthy and productive lives. Talking about the alcoholic in detail hardly ever happened. For a long time I just listened at meetings and I could not believe that other people had the same thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that I did.
Anyway, I wish you the best on your journey. Keep coming back!
Fast forward 7 years and it got worse...the lies, arrogance, selfishness, hurtful and inconsiderate actions, the affairs, and not taking care of me when I got sick. I didn't know that alcohlolism is progressive...it always gets worse. Somewhere in that mess I hit my bottom and realized I had become sick and in some ways my behavior was worse for my children that his was. That is when I sought help.
I started individual counseling which helped tremendously. I began reading recovery books and 2 of my favorites are: Codependent No More and How Alanon Works. And I finally mustered up the courage to attend Alanon. I found it wasn't people talking about their issues in detail. For me Alanon was people discussing how to live healthy and productive lives. Talking about the alcoholic in detail hardly ever happened. For a long time I just listened at meetings and I could not believe that other people had the same thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that I did.
Anyway, I wish you the best on your journey. Keep coming back!
Getting better every day!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Clinton Twp, MI
Posts: 118
Thank you all for your responses. I am keeping an open mind about alanon, but for right now I just don't think it's for me. But I am not without support, I have my private forum full of dear friends, and this place now.
And it's good to hear from people in similar situations. I
And it's good to hear from people in similar situations. I
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