Daisy30

How do you deal with how the rest of your family treat the A in your life?

I KNOW i cannot control others and I know most likely I should not say anything, unless asked.... But since AH and I have been seperated (a little over a week officially) my MIL and FIL have been really trying to keep AH busy. They are taking him to dinner and to different places. and well it makes me mad to a point.

I am mad because I am taking care of 3 children (one of which is having a very hard time transitioning) and he is getting taken out to eat and such. I feel like he is getting rewarded for being an A.


Okay....now let me step back a little. This I know: His parents are just trying to "help". They probably think that if they keep him busy he won't drink. It is none of my business if he is going out to eat or anywhere else.

I wonder if they are stepping up as his next enabler(s) though.??

Now let me switch gears a second, I think I handled this situation correctly:
FIL asked me a few weeks ago if I knew about al-anon. I said yes, I have been going for about a year as well as counseling and doing some reading.
He then asked how I like it. I said It is a GREAT place to be! you should try it! I also said that he could borrow some of my books if he wanted. He said yes to the books and that he would think about al-anon some time later.

So I gave him the books the next time I saw him. Which made AH mad. But it was between me and FIL not AH, so I didn't let it bother me.

I guess I can just give them books and hope that they read them. It is none of my business what happens after they leave my hands.

....sorry this is long and rambling....I am not sure what I need here. I guess I am just talking stuff out

coyote21

My MIL stepped into the role, well actually was always in the role of enabler. She decided Alanon wasn't for her, nothing I can do about that. She loves her daughter to death.

I do feel resentful sometimes, as well, xaw is being well taken care of while I struggle with work, dd, and the responsibility of single parenthood. Most of the time I realize how blessed I am, thankfully. I can't fathom missing my little girl growing up on a daily basis, soooo fulfilling.


As far as what others think, my in-laws believed ALL of xaw's lies about this whole mess, and I do miss xfil, I liked him for a long time......he thinks I'm scum, but that's not my business. Before Alanon THAT would have driven me crazier.

But as they say more will be revealed, just dawned on me recently how grateful I am to xmil. We never have seen eye, even before this mess. But she loves my dd, she drives 4 hours each way to see us, my truck isn't really hiway worthy. She takes dd every Christmas for 2 weeks, every spring break for 1 week, and half of the summer, and loves on her, makes sure she has a sense of family, I am an orphan (only of an only...everyone dead). Picks her up and delivers her to my door, buyes her new shoes and clothes, has professional photos taken, basically does all the nana things (also the mama things) in spite of how she feels about me. As much as I love dd, with out xmil, I'd never get a break. Not bad when you think about it that way.

Thanks and God bless us all, :praying
Coyote

Barbara52

My xAH's mother stepped in as his enabler as soon as I moved out. Since he is unemployed (3+yrs now), xMIL has been paying the bills, with some "help" in that area form our pastor. After the divorce and the sale of the house, xAH moved in with his mother. She has got to see his drinking, heck she was aware of it when he was living in a different state. But it's her choice. I continue to pray for both of them and leave it in God's hands. Its not mine to deal with or worry about anymore. As for his family's opinion of me, I don't know nor do I care.

Freedom1990

I really do hope and pray that you don't ever find yourself in the position of having an alcoholic child. If you do, I guarantee you will see your AH's parents in a whole new light.

It is excruciating to finally realize you have a child in active alcoholism, and even when they are an adult, it is no less painful.

I completely understand how you are feeling and the anger. Yes, you have the tough job of being the sane parent, the one caring for the children and the resulting emotional damage that your AH has left behind, and by all outward appearances, he is being rewarded by his parents for being the alcoholic.

However, the next time you find yourself feeling that way, ask yourself just how would you feel if one of your children ends up being an alcoholic?

I guarantee you, those people are in a lot of pain too, more than they probably realize, or are even capable of acknowledging right now.

It's a parent's first instinct to ask themselves when something goes terribly wrong with a child just where did they go wrong? I sure did.

There are countless coping mechanisms a parent will use, including trying to keep that alcoholic child 'busy' and not drinking.

Remember how painful it has been to have an alcoholic spouse. Then imagine an alcoholic child.

Please don't think I am trying to invalidate your feelings because I am not. Your feelings are important and you have a right to those feelings.

I'm just trying to present this in a different light. Things are not always what they seem.

:ghug :ghug