spda

i got a disturbing call today that my recovering xabf fell off the wagon this past week. we broke up last month when he was close to 45 days sober because he said he was numb and didnt know if he loved me and as sad as i am about the break up i feel a sense of relief that i am no longer physically there to witness the drama of it all. my heart is broken. i feel lousy as i write this. i've done my detached love from afar, done the alanon, but there is utter sadness.

he was with the kids and got wasted (again)! then dissapeared for a week. sound familiar people? i pray that one day he'll wake up want help...recover. i dont see that now. i see myself moving on and having the life he and i planned with someone else...someone not addicted. i know i should look forward to that but all it does these days are make me sad. now hearing that he fell off again puts me in a weird emotional funk. i know it shouldnt but it does, because i feel for this person still.

i'm waiting for the day that i can move past this and i guess i also have to stop fooling myself in believing that he will be the man he once was before addiction that i loved. :praying

i dont think he has worked the programs. i try everyday to focus on me. i cant help feeling annoyed that he doesnt want to recover and i know its not my problem but its amazing how alcoholism entangles your life even if its not in front of your face. i dont know what im writing...i think i just needed to let it out

bonbon

Hey Spda,
There is nothing wrong with feeling that sadness, and that loss. Thats going to have to be allowed to happen for a while until you start to pick up the pieces and get back to YOU. The funk your in is totally permissable. Get what I mean? You can't just turn emotions or your feelings off or on. Its going to take time. Please know your in the best place keeping your distance from him. Its such a sad disheartening disease. It can get to you all the way to your very core.

That day will come girl, I promise you-if you hang in there feel what your feeling, take the time you need to heal and get better, and you will move past it and learn to let it go. Nothings going to change, if nothing changes. Take the baby steps towards making yourself stronger.

Get some rest and take care of you! Keep coming back...

tommyk

Keep on sharing your thoughts.

It helps you when you get it all out in the open.

profoundsadness

i'm experiencing something similar...i'm horrified, sad, angry, and shocked (though i shouldn't be). i have to regain control of me before i let myself fall into the cycle of fighting with the AH all over again. i love him but i HATE this disease.

spda

DITTO profoundsadness!

its the most repulsive disease! i woke up this morning feeling light headed from it all. i texted him but didnt send. i just wanted to write it down. i know my focus is now me and thats it. i am trying very hard to let go of the dreams, expectations, and love. i have to remember that those goals WERE with him and i can still HAVE those goals with ANOTHER. i am fortunate i didnt marry him and very fortunate we didnt get pregnant last year. i see how his children and as a human being i even have to say i feel sympathy for his ex wife because their bonds are tied for life. he gets the kids and gets wasted! the two most important beings in his life and he gets wasted when alone with them? it doesnt make sense! but the disease or alcoholic will never make sense!

so i know here is my clean break... being a significant other and partner luckily has easier ties to part. im not saying the pain is not similar but at least i dont have to still deal due to child visits, alimony or whatever else. and its like bonbon said above i know i need time to grieve...dont we all? dont we all try to figure our way since we are the ones left in the dust at times when this illness or alcoholic barrels through our life. :ghug

i called him crying last week because someone we love was ill and i was scared they were gonna pass. he didnt even pick up the phone or return the call and i feel a sense of guilt that i even bothered to inform him. that that information could of caused him to fall of the wagon. he binged 2 days after my call. its not fair! i know its not me because he was probably looking for a reason but its not fair that you cant turn that person like a normal human being and say something without setting them off to drink.

Amazonqueen522

:praying for you I hope you find happiness....