inahaze

Or so it seems to feel that way at times.

I really didn't think I was asking for to much when I was younger dreaming. Husband, house, kids and a good life. I was taught what those things were or at least given a good idea at what they were, too bad I wasn't ever taught what to look out for red flags.

I guess I'm just a little down depspite knowing that I am trying to improve my life.

AH is asleep in his chair again, had his nightly 6-pack. It's my first night off in 6 days and he's out like a lightbulb. My daughter's friend ended up not spending the night, she got homesick. Daughter was crying, so while the other child was in the room getting her stuff, AH flipped off the other kid and said f*&k her to my daughter. I about lost it, told him to shut his mouth...talk about inappropriate again.

He loves to drink, I hate it.

He loves to try to get me to love him the way I did, I can't unsquash all my feelings he trampled.

Tonight I was watching one of my fave shows, he made fun of it, tried to get me to change the channel for half of the 1 hour show. Just because he didn't like it.

I know in my head we won't work and I don't want to try to make it work. Unfortunately, my head can't always make my heart understand. As he lays in his chair I know I'll never be able to comprehend how someone that says they love you can be so cruel. It still doesn't make it any easier a pill to swallow though.

I want to make myself understand why I've stayed over and over and over again. Sometimes I'm mad at myself for being snookered by him, but man is he good at it.

I want to make him know how I've felt because of him, how hard it was for me to open up to him for years despite how bad he treated me until it got to the point where I couldn't do it any more. I know it wouldn't matter, he'll never understand.

I want to scream, I want to cry and I want to run away.

I feel like I've been locked in an prison and my sentence is almost up. Next year I'll graduate an LPN. I'll of been on my own for almost a year.

I'll be able to be ME

deezaldog

Maybe you could consider alanon for support. Sounds like you need some coping skills. You need to take care of yourself first, if you do not you are no good to anybody else. Don't give up on improving yourself. Your ah will have to take care of himself.

Good luck in school and keep strong!

inahaze

Thanks,

I've worked my rear off in school after getting off to a rough start.

I have more than the required points for getting accepted, their cut off starts at 160, I have 185 and a 3.75 GPA.

I'm still holding my breath until I get a letter of acceptance, I've got a lot riding on finishing my LPN by next year.

blessed4x

inahaze..........I know what you mean. I go between feeling robbed of all I should have and beating myself up for giving it all away. I put up with WAY too much for WAY too long. But thank goodness we are figuring it out now and not 5 years from now, or 10, or more.

Best of luck in your LPN school. Nursing has been a wonderful profession for me, but do be aware that you will be working amongst many fellow co-dependants! That's probably why they call it "the helping profession".

bonbon

Hiya Inahaze,

I use to be in your shoes, you'd have to read back on me to get the whole jist of things, but I got out after almost 10 years with an Alcoholic. Like you I always wanted to make myself understand why I stayed over and over and over again. The fact in the matter is that until your light comes on and you see he's never gonna change nothing is going to change...does that make sense? They are the best, smoothest, convincing people when under the grip of alcohol, and even sober. You love the sober part of them so much, I use to hang in waiting on him to wake up from being passed out, or I would tolerate him yelling at our then 4 yr old, or even then yelling at me. But when he would awake, he would be so remorseful about the night befores events, as well as being so sorry-I would then start the whole cycle over again walking on eggshells wondering when the next drink would touch his lips.


You sound like you have alot going for you, Congrats on finishing your LPN, that is something so positive for you. The most important thing you can do is take care of YOU, and your kid(s). Don't ever forget or lose sight of that. You cant change him, and did you know you have that key that opens your own prison door, and that you can let yourself out anytime? First steps are always the scariest, but making small ones towards what YOU want to do with your life will turn into leaps and bounds one day. I'm just being honest, I always appreciated honesty here, this place got me to where I am now. Literally. Find some time and do something nice for yourself. You deserve it.

Many hugs!

MeHandle

The thing with the homesick kid......... yep, I would have had to chose to control myself. If you did, !

Anyway.....

As I shared my story with someone who is now long divorced, but was married to a AW , he said to me something I knew but had not fully grasped until he put it into these words : "Your spirit has been gone from your marriage for a long time but your body just hasn't left yet."

I'm not suggesting you are at this point or that you ever will be, but as I read your story it brought on the feelings that moved me into that position in life.

Mango blast

MeHandle, what's wrong with a kid being homesick? That happens, and if there was tension in the house or the kid was uncomfortable with their friend's dad, that may have contributed. Not saying it was that way, but consider having a bit of patience there. I really feel for the daughter at home -- no friend staying the night and a jerk for a dad.

Haze, (((hugs)))

It sounds like you really are working at it and trying to keep things together for yourself and your daughter. Many kudos to you. I know it is a struggle!!

That's because it's not love. I don't care what he says or what he thinks, his actions show something different. That isn't love at all. Being sober would be fantastic, but it still wouldn't cure being a jerk.

Wishing you so many better things in life -- now and down the road.

~ faith

FormerDoormat

I used to feel like I was in a prison, too. Then one day it dawned on me: I was in a prison of my own making and I could unlock the door and walk away a free woman any time I wanted to.

want2bfreenow

Wow, not trying to hijack this thread, but great quote! This sums up exactly how I feel!

inahaze

Unfortunately I haven't finished my LPN yet, I've got all my pre-req's finished and have some of the classes for the nursing program done and am continuing to do them. Monday's my big day to get the application packet!!!

I do walk on egg shells, sometimes I don't think I even realized it. I realized that there are shows I wanted to watch but never would because I knew that he didn't like them and would make undesireable comments. It was easier to just not watch them.

inahaze

It's very hard for me at times to think of how much I loved this man. My world completely involved him and I thought he was the absolute greatest person. I felt so lucky to of found him and to be involved in his life. I wanted everything I knew, loved and had to involve him. I could never of imaged him being cruel or hateful to me.

I was viewing the world through rose colored glasses though, I was young and just didn't know about warning signs. I learned while we were dating that he was involved in a lot of fights, some of them quite serious, one put a boy in the hospital forcing his parents insurance to pay for damages. This all happened during his high school years. I always thought that he would never turn on me, he loved me!

While he never hit me, his past came through in every other way. Controling, manipulating, insulting, hurtful and angry. I received the brunt of it.

I witnessed one fight after we were married. He put a young man in the hospital for a few days because he insulted my husband's car.

I'm only now really starting to put the pieces of my past together, not that I'll ever understand his twisted logic. Though the waterfall of bad behavior fits in perfectly.

I won't change him, I won't change his antics and I won't change his drinking. I'm upset with his drinking, however that won't cause him to quit being a jerk. His drinking is just something that's easy for me to point a finger at, it's something visual. I can point at it in the trash can, fridge or his table.

I'll make my stand this spring, the kids are out of school in May. I'll unlock and unprison myself for a free life. A freedom from him.

Did I mention he's asleep on the floor again, think it was somewhere in a 12-pack range tonight.

blessed4x

(((inahaze))) Did you read Mambo Queen's thread? Just because he hasn't hit you YET, I would hate to think there could be a first time. He has a history of violence so please be careful that you have a plan to get out quickly if needed.

Keep a packed bag somewhere for you and your daughter that he won't find and be suspicious of. Keep your phone on you. I would be very sure he isn't aware of your plans to leave because it could trigger his anger. I'm so sorry you are going through this. We all (your husband included) deserve so much better, but we have to save ourselves....our kids are counting on us.

inahaze

I made myself read it, I knew it wouldn't be good.

I guess in my head I tell myself I've made it this long, I can make it until May. I won't have to yank my kids out of school right in the middle of their year.

I can probably give as many reasons for me to wait until May as I can for me to leave tomorrow. My list for waiting until May outweighs the leaving tomorrow. My school will be out, the kids school is out, my other place will be empty, weather will be warmer...

Mango blast

Be careful, be safe. Make some alternate plans in case you need to get out of the area immediately and know where your local safe house/contact is. Great advice on having a packed bag stashed somewhere.

Kids will adapt and survive if they leave school mid-year. Don't rule out sooner, if needed. With a temper like that, he could seriously hurt you and the kids. Good luck and take care. I do hope you erase the history and internet files on your browser?

crypticpoet777

I feel like I'm reading my own thoughts that I would have written about my own life long ago. I was married to a man and walked on egg shells every waking hour and things did get worse. Please look out for yourself and your daughter first and formost okay? Keep your dream and keep posting, I wish the best of everything for you.:praying

ann~

MeHandle

>>AH flipped off the other kid and said f*&k her to my daughter. I about lost it, told him to shut his mouth...talk about inappropriate again.>>

Keepingthefaith: There is nothing wrong with a kid being homesick, I was referring to the actions of the AH as quoted above.

Below is my quote which you commented on, see it a different way now?

>>The thing with the homesick kid......... yep, I would have had to chose to control myself. If you did, ! <<