He's moving out and I feel guilty
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
He's moving out and I feel guilty
So last night AH says we need to talk and tells me I need to decide if I want him to move out this weekend. I do. And I don't. Does anyone get that?
He started in on how HE has put up with so much over the past few years, and how there are 4 THINGS (kids) that he has to tolerate, and how I let our oldest son move into the guest room downstairs which was his sanctuary and the only place in the house he could go for peace. He said he never wanted a dog and that he will stay and quit drinking all together of the dog goes (UM, he was drinking long before the dog got here). He said locking me out of the house in the below freezing snowstorm with 2 toddlers in jammies wasn't REALLY locking me out because I was in my car. He said drinking 18-30 cans of beer a day for weeks on end IS "normal drinking" if someone chooses to do that, and that he has proven it IS his choice because he quit for 2 weeks. He said downing over half a fifth of vodka and putting the kid in the car was "no big deal" because they just went a mile away fishing (when they really went 15 miles away to a baseball game......didn't even bring it up because it's all semantics anyway).
There's more, but you get the jest. Once again I got sucked in to quacking and manipulation. I hope his offer to go this weekend stands. And I don't.
He started in on how HE has put up with so much over the past few years, and how there are 4 THINGS (kids) that he has to tolerate, and how I let our oldest son move into the guest room downstairs which was his sanctuary and the only place in the house he could go for peace. He said he never wanted a dog and that he will stay and quit drinking all together of the dog goes (UM, he was drinking long before the dog got here). He said locking me out of the house in the below freezing snowstorm with 2 toddlers in jammies wasn't REALLY locking me out because I was in my car. He said drinking 18-30 cans of beer a day for weeks on end IS "normal drinking" if someone chooses to do that, and that he has proven it IS his choice because he quit for 2 weeks. He said downing over half a fifth of vodka and putting the kid in the car was "no big deal" because they just went a mile away fishing (when they really went 15 miles away to a baseball game......didn't even bring it up because it's all semantics anyway).
There's more, but you get the jest. Once again I got sucked in to quacking and manipulation. I hope his offer to go this weekend stands. And I don't.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Definitely I have found myself right on the edge of a major change and then I start backpedaling in my mind...things are not so bad, do I really want this, it'll never work anyway..and just feeling like maybe I don't have the guts or energy to pull off what until that moment has only existed in the images in my mind. I think those feelings, fear of change, regret, etc. are normal. They come to test you and see "how badly do you want what you want cuz you're gonna have to work for it." I know I will come up to that moment again and again - that SAME moment if I back down - it WILL come again because the situation is serious and in need of change.
But we all know nothing changes if nothing changes.
The reality of things being so crummy in a marriage is sad. I felt guilty when my exH finally moved out too - because I felt sorry for him. Because I felt sorry for myself and my kids and the end of the "dream" (and it was ONLY a dream!!) Because he was a sad pathetic figure who I thought needed help but refused to get it or accept it. And so I felt pity. And that's OK. I just didn't let that one emotion overrule all the others. I mean, there was a REALITY!
A relationship doesn't thrive on pity or guilt.
And judging by your AH's quacking - if he doesn't move out you'll be in for more of the same. An alcoholic's mind is pickled - he simply cannot see right now the reality. But that's not your problem - you're living squarely in reality - and he is an adult - there is nothing but helping hands out there if he put his out and asked for help.
It's a hurdle...and when you get over it there will be others - but you get stronger with each one you leap over.
Easy does it blessed4x...listen to the quiet voice inside you and block out the quacking. You've been making amazing progress through troubled times...
peace-
B
But we all know nothing changes if nothing changes.
The reality of things being so crummy in a marriage is sad. I felt guilty when my exH finally moved out too - because I felt sorry for him. Because I felt sorry for myself and my kids and the end of the "dream" (and it was ONLY a dream!!) Because he was a sad pathetic figure who I thought needed help but refused to get it or accept it. And so I felt pity. And that's OK. I just didn't let that one emotion overrule all the others. I mean, there was a REALITY!
A relationship doesn't thrive on pity or guilt.
And judging by your AH's quacking - if he doesn't move out you'll be in for more of the same. An alcoholic's mind is pickled - he simply cannot see right now the reality. But that's not your problem - you're living squarely in reality - and he is an adult - there is nothing but helping hands out there if he put his out and asked for help.
It's a hurdle...and when you get over it there will be others - but you get stronger with each one you leap over.
Easy does it blessed4x...listen to the quiet voice inside you and block out the quacking. You've been making amazing progress through troubled times...
peace-
B
Life is what you make of it
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Finding MY way in Ohio
Posts: 90
It's a hurdle...and when you get over it there will be others - but you get stronger with each one you leap over.
I agree!
It always happens again. He will put the kid in the car while he is drinking when you arent there, he will say all of those nasty things to you and the kids again and again and again.
I am currently looking at my dissolution paperwork with anxiety up to my ears, stomach aching, head pounding, but I KNOW what I need to do, if not for myself but for my kids, they deserve better. My heart will catch up with my head someday (I hope). The above is NOT love and you deserve much, much better Blessed, as we ALL do.
Take it easy on yourself. :ghug3
I agree!
It always happens again. He will put the kid in the car while he is drinking when you arent there, he will say all of those nasty things to you and the kids again and again and again.
I am currently looking at my dissolution paperwork with anxiety up to my ears, stomach aching, head pounding, but I KNOW what I need to do, if not for myself but for my kids, they deserve better. My heart will catch up with my head someday (I hope). The above is NOT love and you deserve much, much better Blessed, as we ALL do.
Take it easy on yourself. :ghug3
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
I moved out recently and felt guilty a little the first few days. BUT, I've noticed how he is trying to blame me and making things seem not so bad so that I'll come back (again) and complaining that his life is so hard, quack, quack, quack. He has to put up with noisy kids, me not hugging him when he came home (stinky drunk), his job, his parents, the cat etc, etc, etc (sound similar). Gee, stuff that most people deal with everyday. It's called life. It's the same garbage. They try to get you back in line so they can continue with their addiction (business as usual). When my AH told me he drank because he wasn't getting something from home I told him when I first met him he blamed his mother, and then his father, and then the military. He backpedaled and said that his job was stressful and making him drink. I said that there were plenty of guys were he worked doing the same exact job and they didn't drink (he was silent on this one). That's when I realized that he just wasn't getting it and didn't want to. I might as well talk to the cat. Any excuse in the book will do. Until I see concrete change (NOT PROMISES) for at least a year, I will not go back to him. I told him that, but still the excuses. Quack, quack, quack.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I hope he follows thru on moving out. But I wouldn't hold my breath waiting.
I understand your feelings of ambivalence. It's hard making such a huge change in your life. But it's worth the pain of changing.
I understand your feelings of ambivalence. It's hard making such a huge change in your life. But it's worth the pain of changing.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
(((blessed4x))) Yes, I completely understand. It's hard to trust your gut when you have been beaten down by insanity. It's hard to trust making such a big change, but I know you can do it. I am evidence of how it can work. The past 16 months may have not gone smoothly or gracefully- and there have been many sleepless nights and a lot of sadness, but there's also been glimmers of freedom and gratefulness. I am so grateful not to have to listen to the quacking anymore. Listen to your gut. Put fear in your back pocket and do what you know is right for you.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I was just thinking yesterday about those feelings. I thought about how it felt like fear of the unknown. About how sometimes I would think about how good life could be and what an adventure it would be. But then I would go back to pining for the status quo. And it occurred to me that maybe it wasn't fear of the future after all. Maybe it was fear of admitting that I made a big mistake. That I pinned all my hopes and dreams and my future and my children's future on someone who just couldn't cut it. And how once I made peace with myself, came to accept that we all make mistakes, that life is one big learning experience, I felt so much better about it.
L
L
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
I completely get it. I've been working on "getting out". I take three steps forward and two back. Some of my posts lately I've been asked: "If your relationship is THAT bad why do you stay?"
The truth is I really don't know. Twisted thinking, fear,... like you...I mostly want to; but then I sort of don't on some level. Then I think that's sick because if this guy was doing this to some one else I would tell them to leave. Just like I would tell you to do with your AH; but I can't because I totally understand that if it where that easy we would both be out of these awful situations we are in!
You are so in my prayers, I hope for your sake he does move out. That would be a dream come true if my AH would do that (but he's mean he would throw me out first). I guess I also hate taking action; that must be one of my codie things. Let us know how it goes.
(((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))
The truth is I really don't know. Twisted thinking, fear,... like you...I mostly want to; but then I sort of don't on some level. Then I think that's sick because if this guy was doing this to some one else I would tell them to leave. Just like I would tell you to do with your AH; but I can't because I totally understand that if it where that easy we would both be out of these awful situations we are in!
You are so in my prayers, I hope for your sake he does move out. That would be a dream come true if my AH would do that (but he's mean he would throw me out first). I guess I also hate taking action; that must be one of my codie things. Let us know how it goes.
(((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
And it occurred to me that maybe it wasn't fear of the future after all. Maybe it was fear of admitting that I made a big mistake. That I pinned all my hopes and dreams and my future and my children's future on someone who just couldn't cut it.
Thank you all for the support. Now that I'm awake and showered and have had my daily dose of caffeine, I am hoping he meant it. I can't continue this craziness and no matter how hard he tries to prove that he's the victim and I'm the evil person that is tearing our family apart, I know the truth. In my heart I know that every word he uttered last night was BS, and this time I am NOT going to let my head tell me otherwise. I have a really hard time with accepting gifts (and compliments) graciously......something I need to work on in therapy. This is a gift I NEED to not only accept, but embrace. It is, after all, what I've been praying for.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Reading your post brought back some awful memories. I remember what its like to have everything twisted into being your fault, they do it so well that you start to question yourself, maybe it is normal to drink a bottle of vodka a day? :p
It doesn't sound to me he has any intention of going anywhere, it just sounds like he used that as an avenue to open the conversation up so he could have a go, my abf used to do that all the time, and I'd kick myself for falling for it afterwards.
Your husband sounds very manipulative, I'm glad you can see it for what it is, don't ever question your sober truth.
It doesn't sound to me he has any intention of going anywhere, it just sounds like he used that as an avenue to open the conversation up so he could have a go, my abf used to do that all the time, and I'd kick myself for falling for it afterwards.
Your husband sounds very manipulative, I'm glad you can see it for what it is, don't ever question your sober truth.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
It doesn't sound to me he has any intention of going anywhere, it just sounds like he used that as an avenue to open the conversation up so he could have a go, my abf used to do that all the time, and I'd kick myself for falling for it afterwards.
This is exactly what I was thinking! See if he really will do it.
I fear change, too, but not all change is bad.
I'm struggling right there with you...hang in there!!!
This is exactly what I was thinking! See if he really will do it.
I fear change, too, but not all change is bad.
I'm struggling right there with you...hang in there!!!
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
I understand the feelings of self doubt I had when I was dealing with the insanity of addiction on a daily basis---for years on end. What helped me find the resolve I needed to take care of myself was all of 'you' who come here and all the others I met in Al-Anon and at open AA and NA meetings.
The constant reminders by hearing everyone else's version of my own story made me realize that I was just like that proverbial frog placed in a pot of cold water. Once I realized that the water was boiling and I accepted the fact that I needed to hop out of it or die....I was free to do what was right for myself.
The constant reminders by hearing everyone else's version of my own story made me realize that I was just like that proverbial frog placed in a pot of cold water. Once I realized that the water was boiling and I accepted the fact that I needed to hop out of it or die....I was free to do what was right for myself.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 46
4X~the feeling of failure is worse than the fear of being alone. Remember, you are not alone, and you have not failed. It is a new chapter, and soon his voice will fade from your head, allowing you to hear you own voice. You might be surprised who you really are. I would be willing to bet that you are not that “intouch” with you. It is ok to feel sad. I remember when I took off my weeding ring, he was mad, said that HE was wearing his…my response was…that is because the ring you are wearing represents my commitment to you, which has always been there…the ring that I was wearing represents the commitment that you have to me, and that is long gone. That was the saddest moment in my life up to that point. Realizing that no matter how hard I tried, no matter what I did, no matter what he had in his life…including our beautiful boys, it didn’t change who he was…he was the man he wanted to be.
Good luck to you this weekend. Pray pray pray…just calling out Gods name helps, he doesn’t need an explanation.
Good luck to you this weekend. Pray pray pray…just calling out Gods name helps, he doesn’t need an explanation.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: pa
Posts: 260
When my EXAH left he had no choice,he went to prison.
I lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks from nerves and fear of the
unknown.
Things got easier as time went by.....
The feeling of peace came over the house.
At first that empty spot at the table was strange,
I spent 23 years with this man,over half my life.
His crazy behavior continues my life is better.
Peace to you and your children
I lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks from nerves and fear of the
unknown.
Things got easier as time went by.....
The feeling of peace came over the house.
At first that empty spot at the table was strange,
I spent 23 years with this man,over half my life.
His crazy behavior continues my life is better.
Peace to you and your children
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
I'm where you are blessed though my AH is being very accommodating to me -- he is moving out and getting his own apartment, he is going to pay my mortgage, he is giving me the vehicle and wants little out of the house. I was thrilled that he was going to make it so easy on me. Before this, I had been very strong and convinced that things were done. Of course, these are words and I have seen no action yet.
When he agreed that the best thing to do was separate -- I was kind of crushed and took it personally. That is such codependent stuff for me. Back and forth back and forth -- can't make a decision for the life of me and why is he "leaving me?" (even though it's what I want and what I've asked for). But now I'm kind of panicked because I don't think I really have a choice now. Not sure if that is good or bad or what.
So, yes, I DO GET THAT!
When he agreed that the best thing to do was separate -- I was kind of crushed and took it personally. That is such codependent stuff for me. Back and forth back and forth -- can't make a decision for the life of me and why is he "leaving me?" (even though it's what I want and what I've asked for). But now I'm kind of panicked because I don't think I really have a choice now. Not sure if that is good or bad or what.
So, yes, I DO GET THAT!
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 364
When he agreed that the best thing to do was separate -- I was kind of crushed and took it personally. That is such codependent stuff for me. Back and forth back and forth -- can't make a decision for the life of me and why is he "leaving me?" (even though it's what I want and what I've asked for). But now I'm kind of panicked because I don't think I really have a choice now. Not sure if that is good or bad or what.
Oh my gosh is this so me. I have been here. On the verge of break-up, but then when HE says maybe it's best, I back-peddle like crazy.
Oh my gosh is this so me. I have been here. On the verge of break-up, but then when HE says maybe it's best, I back-peddle like crazy.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
I've done that too, lol. You make the big speech about how its best for both of you if you split, hoping in your head the thoughts of losing you will be enough to make him promise to change and then when he has the audacity to actually agree with you, that it is best you split, we panic in case he actually goes. What I used to do is say "Well its up to you, you know where the door is" knowing he wouldn't leave unless I actually forced the issue...pretty messed up looking back :s
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Personally I think I got addicted to all the drama.
All my friends kept asking me "Andrew, what are you getting out of this relationship?"
"But I love her, and she's REALLY trying" I'd answer
Finally I realized I couldn't "help" her, I couldn't "save" her, and what we had wasn't love...not really...it was intense but it wasn't love, it was some repeating nightmare that I seemed to be trapped in that I couldn't seem to get away from.
I had a million stories why I would stay, and she had a million stories to get me to stay or get me back, but nothing ever changed, not really.
When it was over I knew....and hey, at least he can't call you and tell you he's pregnant to get you back....
Hang in there kid, you have a lot of people on your side here.
The day I let go of the "stories" I told myself, was the day I was finally able to let go and walk away.
All my friends kept asking me "Andrew, what are you getting out of this relationship?"
"But I love her, and she's REALLY trying" I'd answer
Finally I realized I couldn't "help" her, I couldn't "save" her, and what we had wasn't love...not really...it was intense but it wasn't love, it was some repeating nightmare that I seemed to be trapped in that I couldn't seem to get away from.
I had a million stories why I would stay, and she had a million stories to get me to stay or get me back, but nothing ever changed, not really.
When it was over I knew....and hey, at least he can't call you and tell you he's pregnant to get you back....
Hang in there kid, you have a lot of people on your side here.
The day I let go of the "stories" I told myself, was the day I was finally able to let go and walk away.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
You guys were right.....always so smart! I got a call yesterday afternoon from AH saying he couldn't figure out what to fix for dinner, and wanted to know what the kids had going on so he'd know what time to have it ready. All "babe" this and "hon" that. So I figure he'd been drinking the night before, thus the "discussion". Now comes the good behavior.
I told him I knew he'd be busy with moving and not to worry about dinner, because me and the kids would be gone all night at basketball anyway. He acted shocked and hurt at my blunt reply. He's still here.....went to the grocery store this morning and looks like he has us all stocked up for a while. I may have to have him surgically removed!
On a sad note, I was in the restroom at the basketball game and several of the girls in my sons class were in there. One asked me if my son had a dad. When I said, "Yes, he does", another one said to the first "See, I told you he does.". The third looked at me and said they thought his dad had left and moved to another city because they've never seen him. Ouch....reality bites.
I told him I knew he'd be busy with moving and not to worry about dinner, because me and the kids would be gone all night at basketball anyway. He acted shocked and hurt at my blunt reply. He's still here.....went to the grocery store this morning and looks like he has us all stocked up for a while. I may have to have him surgically removed!
On a sad note, I was in the restroom at the basketball game and several of the girls in my sons class were in there. One asked me if my son had a dad. When I said, "Yes, he does", another one said to the first "See, I told you he does.". The third looked at me and said they thought his dad had left and moved to another city because they've never seen him. Ouch....reality bites.
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