brundle

Has anyone ever hired or wanted to hire a PI? If you did; did you get any answers or was it a waste of money? Did you ever follow your A yourself? I really don't want to do that, even though it costs nothing.

My AH is helping serve at his Elks club this weekend. The funny thing is the dinner he is helping with ends at 5pm, but he says they need him until at least 11pm. Sounds fishy to me. I had once thought to hire a PI to take pictures of him buying pot, but then I was told they would have to turn that over to the police. That messes me up since I'm sick and need him working. But pictures of an affair would really help in a divorce case.

I can't get anyone at this short of notice. The dinner is this Sunday. But maybe I really should have him followed at some point. I just don't want to do it myself. I could use some advice. Any thoughts? Oh I was told a night would cost like $500.00.

justanothrdrunk

Let's assume the worst and he's doing whatever it is you think he's doing.

What do you plan to do with that information?

Chrysalis123

My XAH had affairs and they had absolutely NO effect in the divorce. Did not matter a bit in my state. Have you checked with a lawyer in your state about this?

TakingCharge999

why would you be with someone you cannot trust?
do you have someone else you can rely on like a family member for money so you can take care of your illness and then give it back when you have the chance?

just asking........

brundle

We do have "fault" in our state. It is more expensive. I would not go that route. But having pictures or evidence I feel would help when he's trying to get out of giving me money I may be due. I'm sure he's going to due that. He's that kind of guy.

Also, he's everyone's favorite guy. I'm sure when I leave he'll due to me what he's done to all his other exes. He runs their reputations through the mud. I'm hoping with some leverage I wont have to deal with too much of that. Of course I'll deal with what I have to.

It would just really be nice after all the crap and abuse and being told your crazy to be able to say; see I'm not crazy...

Dreamer999: I'm looking for a place. I have MS, so it's progressive. I'm leaving anyway.

Anvilhead: Yes, I have a lawyer that he doesn't know about. I'm putting things in order.

mellowchick

Brundle-
Following your AH could be very dangerous for someone who isn't properly trained. Imagine the various scenarios and situations you could find yourself in. Possible bad area of town while your AH is trying to score, possibly with another woman and realizes he is being followed by YOU. Something of that nature could set him off. Safe? Definatley not. Now, even if you did hire someone to do this for you, there is a lot involved. Retainer fee's, meetings with the P.I., the chance they may not find anything for a while, which in turn leaves you with nothing to go on and less the monies you invested. On the other hand, the P.I. may find some things out. These things may be worth it and they may not.There are some P.I.s who specialize in cheating spouses, however, there are MANY who choose not to because it pulls them into the drama and the battle. Its an awful feeling to have to be the bearer of bad news. ' I'm sorry Mrs. Jones, your husband is being unfaithful, I have the photos and video to prove it. Would you like to take a look at them?' Its awful to see the color drain from their face and watch them crumble before your very eyes. Now, if he is caught on surveilence by a liscenced P.I., purchasing or selling drugs or dabbling in prostitiution in any way, shape or form, it is the responsibility of the investigator to turn it over to the proper authorities, which could open a whole 'nother can of worms. I am liscensed in three states, working on my fourth, and these types of cases are cases I won't touch and most investigators I know and have worked with won't touch them either. If this is something you're seriously considering, have your duckies in a row and do your research on the firm you plan to hire, get references, do your research, have a plan and definatley prepare yourself for the worst (that he's having an affair or caught in illegal activities) and have the means to do something about it (start your divorce paperwork, plan to move, find a new home and so on) I hope this has helped. Hugs...

brundle

mellowchick:

Thanks so much. I did call a real PI and he told me that he would have to turn him in for anything illegal. That I didn't know before. I wouldn't follow him myself. I would want a Pro. The only thing stopping me is that he could be into something illegal. I'm not sure how big of a can of worms I want to open. The affair wouldn't be a problem.

mellowchick

Sounds like you are begining to get your duckies lined up. An important piece of advice I left out is to simply prepare yourself for the absolute worst. I hope you don't have to go through a bunch of awful things. I will be happy to answer any questions you may have to the best of my ability. Hugs for you!

blessed4x

My experience has been that my AH has gotten more careless as time has gone on and I didn't even have to go looking for things. I say if your gut tells you he's involved then he probably is, and he will eventually leave his tracks uncovered.......that is if you want to wait around to find out.

Pajarito

I'm divorcing my AH. I have to remember that I will get what I need- I may not get what I want- but I'll get what I need. And peace-of-mind is number one on my list.

I am finding that when I don't really care what STBXAH or anyone else thinks- I feel better about what I am doing. Why would I care what he thinks? He's a non-recovered, self-absorbed alcoholic. Why should I care about anyone who chooses to believe what he says about me? If they do- so be it. The people who love me and really know me are all I care about.

IMHO, you need to consider putting vindication aside. In my experience, STBXAH doesn't care/believe and has never validated anything I've said. He cares nothing for my feelings. I trust my gut- I KNOW I was in an abusive situation. I KNOW it was not my fault- I can't control, cure and did not cause it. That's all I need to know. Yes, it would be nice if he'd come forward and apologize, take responsibility- but I can't plan on that. all I know is what I know to be true, and I have to trust that. I don't need to prove anything to anyone in order to live the life I want to live. . .

How about choosing to live a healthy life based on YOUR truths?

Jazzman

Divorce isn't about what's fair, getting justice, or vindication or validation that he's the bad guy and you're not. Divorce is about the legal dissolution of a state sanctioned marriage, all business like and un-emotional. Getting out of a bad relationship is about leaving that relationship behind you and moving forward into a more healthy future.

I spent hours, even days obsessing over getting copies of cell phone records, recording voice mail conversations, gathering "evidence" for my day in court... that never came. All that crap I did only reminds me of how sick I had become and how I never want to find myself in a situation like that again.

I wish you speedy success at getting out of a bad relationship.

TakingCharge999

Hi brundle I am glad you are looking for another place. I have you in my thoughts and wish you health, especially for this reason you do not need the extra stress in your relation....IMHO

I also dreaded all the moments knowing the XAH was talking to his friends about me. When people validated that and told me what he was up to it hurt a lot, I felt attacked and vilified as a woman and could not believe a few weeks ago he was saying he would go to the end of the world with me!! Deceit, another word closely related to addiction.

In an almost all-male atmosphere it was hell, however Pajarito is right..... whatever they say or think is their business.. easier said than done but once you start caring about the important stuff (a.k.a. YOU) it comes naturally... I hope you find how he could affect your reputation is not an excuse to keep feeling badly...

I am not sure I can give you any wise advice but I hope everything turns out to the best (((((brundle)))))))

escape artist

i remember having the same feelings about wanting to have a PI check on him. I was in a very painful place. What is interesting though, is things i really wanted to find out I prayed about and LET IT GO and in the strangest ways the information CAME to me without me even trying. in fact at times HE was telling me without me even ASKING! I was was astounded and thankful! So, there is a saying about how the truth will be revealed to you in the right time.

brundle

Thanks everyone... I'm not going to check up on him... I really want to; but for now I'm not.

I really didn't want the validation for him, I wanted it for me. I hear from him so often that what I think, feel or see is not really what's going on; even if that is what is going on. For example: "I'm not drinking every night." He does. It's like he tries to change reality. I always have to be strong enough to know what I know. So sometimes validation is very important because it is like a breath of fresh air; because then reality is just reality.

It's really awful when I make a mistake about things because then I think: well maybe he's right and I'm crazy after all...

laurie6781

Here's your 'validation.' Every time he opens his mouth to speak picture the BIG WHITE AFLAC DUCK from the commercials going QUACK, QUACK, QUACK.

Because that is what he is doing...................QUACKING.................. ..... While he is in this mode of drinking, nothing and I do mean NOTHING that comes out of his mouth is REALITY. It is PURE MANIPULATION to make you think you are crazy and to keep his nice cushy soft spot.

You ARE NOT CRAZY.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,

brundle

laurie6781:

Thank you so much! Love the duck!!LOL!

coyote21

Yea, can someone please explain to me what is up with THAT? :wtf2

Seems to me that a spouse, especially one with minor children, who would cheat, and therefore impact their chances to come from an intact home, should be the one to loose everything, house, cars, kids, ect. Seriously, how do we change the rules?

Is it just me? My lying, cheating, axw tried to make me feel immature or childish, or maybe not sophisticated, for my beliefs on cheating! Oh well, perhaps I should consider the source.

Thanks and God bless us all, :praying
Coyote

brundle

I completely agree! They should really rewrite the rules!!!!

dazednconfuzed

First of all ... you are NOT crazy! What he is doing is called 'Gaslighting', which A's are really good at doing.

"Gaslighting" is a systematic array of techniques that destroys your target's mental equilibrium, self-confidence, and self-esteem, and is designed to drive your target nuts.

If you can get a copy of the video, and haven't already seen it - watch the 1944 movie 'Gaslight'. Also check out the book, 'The Gaslight Effect' by Robin Stern.

Please follow your gut that if you think he's cheating or lying to you or whatever - he most likely is. Trust me that it doesn't feel better to know what he's doing. My A still lied to me when I had all of the evidence in my hand. It just hurts more. Emotional and verbal abuse can come in many forms and cheating is just one of them. If you can't trust him, then trust your gut instinct.

I understand the feeling that when the person you need is 'capitalizing' on your vulnerable position, you feel so helpless, but please try to take a step back and realize that this is not a person you want to be with. In my situation, I should have considered myself lucky that my A cheated, and used that as my 'out' but instead I allowed jealousy to take over. Hopefully you won't make the same mistake.

Since it seems that you're planning to go already, and that most courts don't take cheating into consideration any longer, please save yourself the need to know - either way. Obviously you know enough and the proof just becomes a painful reminder. And don't worry about the 'smear campaign' he may start about you. Eventually, you will be out and have a chance to emotionally heal. It won't matter who believes what, except the people who truly care about you. Focus on them to help you get through this

Jazzman

In Va it is not a crime to commit adultery or be a drunken spouse.
My 1st very condensed conversation with a lawyer went kinda like this:
me: She's a nasty drunk and I can't take it anymore.
her: In VA you can't divorce someone for being a drunk, but you can if they are a nasty drunk.
me: I think she cheated on me.
her: Well that will get you a divorce in VA, and you probably wont have to pay alimony. I have a $5000 retainer fee, how would you like to handle that?