Book: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to stay
Rediscovering myself
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 231
Book: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to stay
I'm on question #29. and will finish the book in the next few days. I haven't found a concrete reason to stay yet and found several to leave. When I started listing all the reasons my relationship is too bad to stay in, I was shocked. I've complained and complained and I have good reason. Another thing is that the problems we have are inherently hard/impossible to get over (off-the-table-itis for example).
I'm glad I'm reading it because I'm very analytical and this gives me a bit more confidence that I'm doing the right thing by getting a divorce. A divorce is a HUGE event, and the more I feel I have that I've done all I can and that I'm certain this is the correct decision, the better off I am.
I've always thought "yeah he COULD change, but I don't expect him to". There was always that possibility, now I feel like that possibility is so small, it's not worth the risk.
Really good book, imho.
I'm glad I'm reading it because I'm very analytical and this gives me a bit more confidence that I'm doing the right thing by getting a divorce. A divorce is a HUGE event, and the more I feel I have that I've done all I can and that I'm certain this is the correct decision, the better off I am.
I've always thought "yeah he COULD change, but I don't expect him to". There was always that possibility, now I feel like that possibility is so small, it's not worth the risk.
Really good book, imho.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Just so - My ExAH had a huge case of "off-the-table-itis"! I can't recommend that book enough (a friend borrowed mine; but I guess I don't need it anymore LOL). One comment I would make to those that may not be familiar. The book recommends that you examine each of the items on their own (like a doctor diagnosing a patient). If you even answer one question as "too bad to stay" then the relationship is probably THAT BAD. It does not recommend it as a pro-con list where you tally up your answers and come to a conclusion. That was a huge relief for me. I, too, felt that after reading that book I had indeed done everything I could to save my marriage; and things were that bad and they weren't going to change.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
i read it too and it was most excellent. It also revealed some of "my" issues which i may have that "i can do what i want" issue!!!
the only one which pointed that it was too bad to stay in was his alcohol abuse..and then it said i could give it a certain period of time to see if he has made any effort to change, but first i had to find out how important He thought my issue with it was! (scale from 1-10 how important do you think this problem is for me?) So. I have yet to address this particular issue to find out if he is aware that it is making it too bad for me to stay, and then give it a time table....soooo as the codependent that i am, it doesn't seem to be a good time to bring it up. as i am avoiding it i guess. i am detaching, and i may have in my mind given it a 6 months deadline, but he is not aware of this. so of course i am STUCK on it.
the only one which pointed that it was too bad to stay in was his alcohol abuse..and then it said i could give it a certain period of time to see if he has made any effort to change, but first i had to find out how important He thought my issue with it was! (scale from 1-10 how important do you think this problem is for me?) So. I have yet to address this particular issue to find out if he is aware that it is making it too bad for me to stay, and then give it a time table....soooo as the codependent that i am, it doesn't seem to be a good time to bring it up. as i am avoiding it i guess. i am detaching, and i may have in my mind given it a 6 months deadline, but he is not aware of this. so of course i am STUCK on it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
I think all but two of the questions in that book I had marked it would be better if I left. I hope to be leaving soon. We have so many issues, including but not limited to "off-the-table-itis" and he does whatever he wants, just to name two. I sometimes am not even sure we HAVE a relationship!
It was a really great book! I kept saying to myself: "see your not crazy for wanting this or that!"
It was a really great book! I kept saying to myself: "see your not crazy for wanting this or that!"
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Daisy - the authors ask if there is one (or more) important subjects that your partner refuses to discuss. If so that subject is off the table -- and they suffer from "off-the-table-itis". Many times I would try to discuss things with my XAH and he would just pretend like he didn't hear, not respond in any way, and often leave the room. When he would come back he would act like nothing ever happened. I now see that it was "off-the-table-itis".
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: NOVA
Posts: 49
I've really just started reading the book (I'm into question #5). I like the author's approach to helping you figuring it all out. The step by step questions really make you think about the relationship and not so much point fingers. Looking forward to finishing.
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