Husband might be drinking again..
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Husband might be drinking again..
Hi everyone
I'm here because I believe my husband is drinking again...We have been married for 15 months now but have been together for 9 yrs...we are both young..he's 31, I'm 29...To make a long story short he had stopped drinking back in July of 08 because he seen he had a problem...2 times this month he has come home with that "beer" smell...He has denied any wrong doing...
There has been some stress in our lives..A few months back on Thanksgiving Day..I found out he was texting his Uncle's (by marriage) Wife and they were sending dirty messages back n forth...She had also been leaving voice mess. on his phone..His Uncle came over here just as we were getting ready to eat our dinner and they got into a huge fight...I'm trying to get over this but I have 0 trust in him now...I admit that I bring this up to him often and let him know just how hurt I am...We also are doing major work on my Honda accord..I bent my valves so it's a 1500 job.. and his mother is ill...
I will never forget the smell of booze and I fear he's picking it up again..
I really need you guys and some advice..My spirit is broken as it is from everything going on...I fear if he's drinking this will break us..We have 3 kids and our own house...I would have no where to go as my family is gone...His family is all I have...I wanted to also say that he's around ppl who drink and abuse alcohol...And he's been more controlling lately..Something isn't right and I can def. feel it...
I'm here because I believe my husband is drinking again...We have been married for 15 months now but have been together for 9 yrs...we are both young..he's 31, I'm 29...To make a long story short he had stopped drinking back in July of 08 because he seen he had a problem...2 times this month he has come home with that "beer" smell...He has denied any wrong doing...There has been some stress in our lives..A few months back on Thanksgiving Day..I found out he was texting his Uncle's (by marriage) Wife and they were sending dirty messages back n forth...She had also been leaving voice mess. on his phone..His Uncle came over here just as we were getting ready to eat our dinner and they got into a huge fight...I'm trying to get over this but I have 0 trust in him now...I admit that I bring this up to him often and let him know just how hurt I am...We also are doing major work on my Honda accord..I bent my valves so it's a 1500 job.. and his mother is ill...
I will never forget the smell of booze and I fear he's picking it up again..
I really need you guys and some advice..My spirit is broken as it is from everything going on...I fear if he's drinking this will break us..We have 3 kids and our own house...I would have no where to go as my family is gone...His family is all I have...I wanted to also say that he's around ppl who drink and abuse alcohol...And he's been more controlling lately..Something isn't right and I can def. feel it...
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Jewels1935,
I am inexperienced in recovery as I'm just getting started myself, but I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you today. You know in your gut that something is wrong, so more that likely something is. Please remain as calm as you can. What I do know is that you can't let fear control what you do from this moment forward.
Have faith, others will be along shortly to help.
Keep posting your thoughts if it helps.
I am inexperienced in recovery as I'm just getting started myself, but I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you today. You know in your gut that something is wrong, so more that likely something is. Please remain as calm as you can. What I do know is that you can't let fear control what you do from this moment forward.
Have faith, others will be along shortly to help.
Keep posting your thoughts if it helps.
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Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice 
Jewels1935,
I am inexperienced in recovery as I'm just getting started myself, but I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you today. You know in your gut that something is wrong, so more that likely something is. Please remain as calm as you can. What I do know is that you can't let fear control what you do from this moment forward.
Have faith, others will be along shortly to help.
Keep posting your thoughts if it helps.
I am inexperienced in recovery as I'm just getting started myself, but I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you today. You know in your gut that something is wrong, so more that likely something is. Please remain as calm as you can. What I do know is that you can't let fear control what you do from this moment forward.
Have faith, others will be along shortly to help.
Keep posting your thoughts if it helps.
Thank You for the kind response...I fear because when he was drinking, he would live at the bar and never come home...he was very mentally abusive and would "push" me around...Both of my parents were drinkers along with grandparents..I seen the damage it does and I'm scared...I just want him to admit he's drinking so we can work this out..But, if this goes on then I'm not sure what I'll do...
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
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Welcome!! The title of your thread "....MIGHT be drinking again" gives alot away. You are hoping he's not, doubting your gut, but all the while you KNOW what's really going on. I've been right where you are, and it sure does hurt! Do all you can to trust that little voice in you that is telling you the truth, and let it be the guide to where you will go next.
Hang around here, ask lots of questions, read all you can. I know how hard it is with kids and no support. In fact I think that's part of the A's mode of operation (and I also think they believe it to be true).....keep us thinking we have no out, that without them we will not survive. If you start reaching out I think you will find that you are much less isolated than you feel. We are here (usually someone is 24 hours a day!) and we care.
((((hugs))))
Hang around here, ask lots of questions, read all you can. I know how hard it is with kids and no support. In fact I think that's part of the A's mode of operation (and I also think they believe it to be true).....keep us thinking we have no out, that without them we will not survive. If you start reaching out I think you will find that you are much less isolated than you feel. We are here (usually someone is 24 hours a day!) and we care.
((((hugs))))
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
to be honest, it sounds very much like you are under the thumb of a controlling abusive man, and that you FEEL you have NOWHERE else to go, ie trapped. you DO have options, there are other ways and means besides our family to help us out. the more you allow yourself to be cut off, the smaller you allow your world to get, the harder it will be to even contemplate what you might want to do for YOU.
i commend you for coming here and sharing your story. i hoe you find some good tools and resources that will be of help.
i commend you for coming here and sharing your story. i hoe you find some good tools and resources that will be of help.
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
he did push you around when he was drinking....and you suspect he's drinking AGAIN. PUSHING you around IS abuse, what was once a push, becomes a slap, becomes a closed fist......your kids watch daddy pushing mommy around? daddy being drunk and belligerent? do you want them to learn that it's ok to do that?
you can't do anything about HIS drinking. but you can do a lot for yourself. you're in an untenable position being almost solely dependent upon your husband. that kinda gives him the edge, the upper hand........
you can't do anything about HIS drinking. but you can do a lot for yourself. you're in an untenable position being almost solely dependent upon your husband. that kinda gives him the edge, the upper hand........
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Originally Posted by Jewels1935
I know in my heart he can do it..that's all...
L
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I am reading a book called "No More Letting Go" by Debra Jay. It might be useful for you.....the subtitle is "The Spirituality of Taking Action Against Alcoholism and Drug Addiction". It is very good in describing the denial that alcoholics (and their families) experience. The whole premise of the book is that you don't have to wait for him to "hit bottom" before taking action. I liked what it says about while waiting for (him) to hit bottom you are allowing (him) to drag you and your kids along. I'm not sure I agree with everything it has to offer, but I'm a reader/researcher type person, so I can take what I need from it.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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Originally Posted by Jewels1935
This is why I need to figure out how to get him to admit to the secret drinking and get him the proper help from outside the box.....
You can find ways to improve your life regardless of what he does. You can learn how to set boundaries and make decisions on what you are willing to do if your boundaries are violated. You can learn to protect your children from the effects of an alcoholic parent. You can learn to live the life your and your children deserve.
BTW no one has said you have to leave him or throw your marriage away. Some folks do manage to stay married to an active alcoholic and sometimes that active alcholic seeks recovery. But you can take control of your life and make it better without waiting for your AH to do something, anything.
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jewels, i'm worried about you and your children.
if you can't imagine a way out now, or a solution, for now please do not let yourself become emotionally and socially isolated. you say you are saved, which means you probably go to church. if you do, reach out to your pastor or another person there you can really really trust. tell what is happening at home. many ordained pastors have much knowledge about addictions and what it does to families. and what you need is support, someone who is there for you to help you see things clearly and to listen to you and to help you find your way when things get really rough (and they will, as his drinking resumes and worsens).
the alcoholic wants complete control of his wife and his house so he can continue drinking. he does this by making her isolated--in so many ways. and by beating down her self-worth until she cannot stand against him anymore.
you seem very alone and you need sane, solid people in your life. so reach out at church, where you feel safe. and then see if there is an al-anon meeting you might be able to attend. and keep reading this website, even if you do not post.
just don't disappear into that disease.
be careful, dear.
bluejay
if you can't imagine a way out now, or a solution, for now please do not let yourself become emotionally and socially isolated. you say you are saved, which means you probably go to church. if you do, reach out to your pastor or another person there you can really really trust. tell what is happening at home. many ordained pastors have much knowledge about addictions and what it does to families. and what you need is support, someone who is there for you to help you see things clearly and to listen to you and to help you find your way when things get really rough (and they will, as his drinking resumes and worsens).
the alcoholic wants complete control of his wife and his house so he can continue drinking. he does this by making her isolated--in so many ways. and by beating down her self-worth until she cannot stand against him anymore.
you seem very alone and you need sane, solid people in your life. so reach out at church, where you feel safe. and then see if there is an al-anon meeting you might be able to attend. and keep reading this website, even if you do not post.
just don't disappear into that disease.
be careful, dear.
bluejay
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Originally Posted by Jewels1935
but why go?..
Originally Posted by Jewels1935
I'm not being beaten by any means..he would push me around when he was drunk..not now..
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
let's go back a minute, to last july, when you said he thought he might have a problem and quit drinking. how did that come about? what precipitated that decision? did he just say one day, i think i have problem so i'm quitting....did you ask him to quit? tell him to? beg him?
and did that bring about a CHANGE in him? did he start to get "better" in your eyes?
it's possible that as much as you might wish him to be different, to be a better man than he currently is, that who he is might be who he's gonna be. this might be as good as it gets. you've been together for nine years.....was he ever good enough for you AS IS? often we will focus on the "ailment" such as the drinking, it's the booze, if only he'd get off the booze, all would be well, if i can only get him to CHANGE he'll be the man i dreamed he could be - in order to avoid the sometimes harsh truth that perhaps we're trying to ask a tree to fly, to be something other than what it is, a tree, when what WE really want is a bird.........
and did that bring about a CHANGE in him? did he start to get "better" in your eyes?
it's possible that as much as you might wish him to be different, to be a better man than he currently is, that who he is might be who he's gonna be. this might be as good as it gets. you've been together for nine years.....was he ever good enough for you AS IS? often we will focus on the "ailment" such as the drinking, it's the booze, if only he'd get off the booze, all would be well, if i can only get him to CHANGE he'll be the man i dreamed he could be - in order to avoid the sometimes harsh truth that perhaps we're trying to ask a tree to fly, to be something other than what it is, a tree, when what WE really want is a bird.........
Yes, he did quit drinking back in July...He had a talk with his mother and when she poured he heart out and told him she didn't want to see him blow his head off like her dad did when he was drunk, he must have took it to heart because he came home and we sat down and he told me " I need to quit drinking" and I seen a huge change, not only in my eyes but his family and ppl who are around him..The only thing is he never went to AA or anything...he did this alone with just the help of his family..he's not done anything physical to me for many yrs now...He took anger mang. classes and that's when it all stopped...And even today when a situation rises he does what's right and walk away and then we talk later...I'm not scared for my life and if I was believe me, I would leave...When he pushed me around I left...I didn't just sit there and take it..I was gone for nearly 1 yr..not 1 day...I came back after 1 yr because I loved him and he had been through the classes and his teacher told me he had seen great improvements from him...Since then he's not EVER laid a hand on me..Geesh, we dont even spank our kids..They get timeouts, corners, things taken away... our childern repspect us...I'm simply concerened that he might be drinking because of stress in his life...His mom is young 54, and just had major heart surgry..His dad had Aids...from the Navy yrs back...he just had a stroke and now his brain functions like a 6 yr old...To make a long story short...My husband is weak when things get rough...If he were indeed drinking again it would fall back on the things going on in his life...we are not perfect nobody is...He deserves the "Correct" help for the drinking.. and that's all I'm asking for here not help on abuse because he's not pushing me around or anything like that..I can come and go as I choose..have friends etc...I dont work because I have Kidney Cancer..Something I'd rather not talk about..Sorry....So, I'm not that wife stuck home with no life and dealing with a abusive bitterhalf..I'm a wife that just wants to help my husband if I can...Like I said he's never done the steps...rather he quit cold turkey w/o the proper care and help from others....
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on amazon.com you can order the book of "alcoholics anonymous". it is the book used in AA and it has many stories and advice for people trying to get sober anfd also for their families. it will help you tremendously, i think, and i understand you wanting to hold your marriage together and make the right choices and offer the right kind of help.
so the book of AA would be a good start for you. al-anon meetings can help, too, but if you can't get to one, you can also order al-anon books online. so stock up on some really good information, stay connected, and don't keep the problems at home a secret. all the best to you.
so the book of AA would be a good start for you. al-anon meetings can help, too, but if you can't get to one, you can also order al-anon books online. so stock up on some really good information, stay connected, and don't keep the problems at home a secret. all the best to you.
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Hi jewels and welcome!
I'm a wife that just wants to help my husband if I can.
Maybe give AlAnon a try. I found there was very very little I could DO to help the alcoholics in my life. I mean, you could hand him the tel. # to local AA and then you pretty much have to let go. He's an adult.
I can't help an alcoholic figure out how to stop drinking. I'm not an alcoholic so what do I know?? They usually need the help and advice of other recovered alcoholics.
If there was a way to get our loved ones to stop drinking none of us would be here.
I denied for a long time that I couldn't help my brothers. I was convinced that if I just said the right thing the right way or got them to go to "this meeting" or read "that book" then, they would get sober and seek recovery. Because couldn't they see that they NEEDED to stop drinking!! They must have WANTED to stop right?
Fast forward a few years and they just kept drinking and I was making myself miserable & crazy. Obviously they didn't want to stop until they were ready - has nothing to do with ME or their girlfriends or our mom or the example of my father's sobriety/reecovery for 20 yrs. They are adults and they will do what they will do.
I found enormous relief and a better way of understanding alcoholism through AlAnon so I recommend it. Others on this site have found their own way to recovery too. I think it's important to acknowledge the real depth of the problem, snap out of denial (he might be drinking??? you smell beer!!!!) and get some help for YOU!!
His drinking is affecting you and your children - but maybe in ways you haven't realized yet - and that stuff you can change and improve whether he is sober or drinking.
(((hugs)))
I'm glad you're here!
peace-
B.
I'm a wife that just wants to help my husband if I can.
Maybe give AlAnon a try. I found there was very very little I could DO to help the alcoholics in my life. I mean, you could hand him the tel. # to local AA and then you pretty much have to let go. He's an adult.
I can't help an alcoholic figure out how to stop drinking. I'm not an alcoholic so what do I know?? They usually need the help and advice of other recovered alcoholics.
If there was a way to get our loved ones to stop drinking none of us would be here.
I denied for a long time that I couldn't help my brothers. I was convinced that if I just said the right thing the right way or got them to go to "this meeting" or read "that book" then, they would get sober and seek recovery. Because couldn't they see that they NEEDED to stop drinking!! They must have WANTED to stop right?
Fast forward a few years and they just kept drinking and I was making myself miserable & crazy. Obviously they didn't want to stop until they were ready - has nothing to do with ME or their girlfriends or our mom or the example of my father's sobriety/reecovery for 20 yrs. They are adults and they will do what they will do.
I found enormous relief and a better way of understanding alcoholism through AlAnon so I recommend it. Others on this site have found their own way to recovery too. I think it's important to acknowledge the real depth of the problem, snap out of denial (he might be drinking??? you smell beer!!!!) and get some help for YOU!!
His drinking is affecting you and your children - but maybe in ways you haven't realized yet - and that stuff you can change and improve whether he is sober or drinking.
(((hugs)))
I'm glad you're here!
peace-
B.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
Hi Jewels -- I'm glad that you (and I!) found this site. There are many, many helpful and kind and experienced people here. I am fairly new (to recovery) not alcoholism.
I have spent the past 10 years of a 20 year marriage trying to "help" my husband. I drove him around when he lost his license, I sat with him in court, I picked him up many times off the floor, I held his hand and told him I would stand beside him and his recovery no matter what, I researched and read EVERYTHING I could about alcoholism and drug addiction (he also has a cocaine problem when he has money), I found every AA meeting I could for him to go to, I covered up for him so my kids didn't see daddy drunk, I covered up to friends and family because I was so ashamed........what I'm saying is that I HELPED him so much, that I ended up NOT helping at all -- it made it worse. There were never any consequences for what he did -- sure, I would be p****d for a few days, but I would get over it. He never had to "find his own counsellors" or AA meetings. I was so focussed on "getting him better" that I ended up as sick as he is. I have to be sick to endure what I have.
It wasn't always this way.....we were highschool sweethearts and have had so many wonderful and fun times. We raised two beautiful daughters (who have had to endure what has gone on in our house). He is not an every day drinker and is a wonderful man when he is plugged in. But I am watching him become worse and worse because he denies he has an issue. It's sooo sad and I am no longer willing to witness his death any longer.
I know your husband hasn't got to this stage and if you read, there are others enduring further stages than I am. I understand fully how much you want to help him. I agree with B that you could get him the number to AA but then IMO it is very important to step back and let him take responsibility for his own recovery.
I'm sorry that you are going through all you are. You have a lot on your plate. Try to make connections through different support systems so if you need them, they will be there (family, message boards like these, Alanon, women's/childrens groups or drop ins in your area). Keep coming here and reading (I suggest the stickies at the top of the page -- they're great!).
take care of you
I have spent the past 10 years of a 20 year marriage trying to "help" my husband. I drove him around when he lost his license, I sat with him in court, I picked him up many times off the floor, I held his hand and told him I would stand beside him and his recovery no matter what, I researched and read EVERYTHING I could about alcoholism and drug addiction (he also has a cocaine problem when he has money), I found every AA meeting I could for him to go to, I covered up for him so my kids didn't see daddy drunk, I covered up to friends and family because I was so ashamed........what I'm saying is that I HELPED him so much, that I ended up NOT helping at all -- it made it worse. There were never any consequences for what he did -- sure, I would be p****d for a few days, but I would get over it. He never had to "find his own counsellors" or AA meetings. I was so focussed on "getting him better" that I ended up as sick as he is. I have to be sick to endure what I have.
It wasn't always this way.....we were highschool sweethearts and have had so many wonderful and fun times. We raised two beautiful daughters (who have had to endure what has gone on in our house). He is not an every day drinker and is a wonderful man when he is plugged in. But I am watching him become worse and worse because he denies he has an issue. It's sooo sad and I am no longer willing to witness his death any longer.
I know your husband hasn't got to this stage and if you read, there are others enduring further stages than I am. I understand fully how much you want to help him. I agree with B that you could get him the number to AA but then IMO it is very important to step back and let him take responsibility for his own recovery.
I'm sorry that you are going through all you are. You have a lot on your plate. Try to make connections through different support systems so if you need them, they will be there (family, message boards like these, Alanon, women's/childrens groups or drop ins in your area). Keep coming here and reading (I suggest the stickies at the top of the page -- they're great!).
take care of you
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