On a scale of 1 - 10....how important is an Alanon program?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Northern New Jersey
Posts: 74
On a scale of 1 - 10....how important is an Alanon program?
I went to my first meeting a couple weeks ago...went well. Gave me stuff to think about, based on the comments of a couple people
Went again this past week - and just did not like it. It's like...everyone is many years involved and not very welcoming. And...it is all just too "sloganny" and Dr. Phil-ish" for me.
Anyone have any good alternates to using an actual program? How important is/was alanon to you in establishing a healthy relationship with the alcoholic in your life?
Went again this past week - and just did not like it. It's like...everyone is many years involved and not very welcoming. And...it is all just too "sloganny" and Dr. Phil-ish" for me.
Anyone have any good alternates to using an actual program? How important is/was alanon to you in establishing a healthy relationship with the alcoholic in your life?
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
" was alanon helpful in establishing a healthy relationship with the alcoholic in your life? "
The 1st thing that the al-anon program did was motivate me to
begin a spiritual journey and got me to believe in a power greater than myself.
Ultimately I changed to be emotionally available, less controlling and improve all of my relationships.
I started going to al-anon because of the addict in my life (son) but I keep going for myself and it has little to do with him.
It is recommended that you go at least 6 times to get an opinion.
Finding a group that suits you is important.
The 1st thing that the al-anon program did was motivate me to
begin a spiritual journey and got me to believe in a power greater than myself.
Ultimately I changed to be emotionally available, less controlling and improve all of my relationships.
I started going to al-anon because of the addict in my life (son) but I keep going for myself and it has little to do with him.
It is recommended that you go at least 6 times to get an opinion.
Finding a group that suits you is important.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I agree with SS. I went to several different meetings before I found the one I felt comfortable with. There were a few I felt were clique-ish and not so welcoming (maybe if I stayed long enough I would not have felt that way) I did both Alanon and Naranon and I found a Naranon meeting that just oozed serenity from the moment I walked in the door. The folks there were very "real" and despite my not being one to have tons of friends, I became incredibly close to quite a few people there very quickly.
I started going to learn how to deal with my loved one. I have kept going, 2 1/2 years after losing my loved one, because it helps me. I really feel I am on that spiritual journey and it is all good.
I don't think I can give you a number - It depends on what you are seeking. But I would say for me, Naranon was a 10.
I started going to learn how to deal with my loved one. I have kept going, 2 1/2 years after losing my loved one, because it helps me. I really feel I am on that spiritual journey and it is all good.
I don't think I can give you a number - It depends on what you are seeking. But I would say for me, Naranon was a 10.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hertfordshire, UK
Posts: 111
Al-Anon doesn't suit everyone, and even if it does it may not suit at a given point in time. My own journey started more as an investigation into abusive relationships, through reading online resources and books. That gave me the first real appreciation that things really were as messed up as I suspected and, in particular, that it wasn't all my fault.
As the role of my AXGF's alcoholism in that abuse became more clear I started reading about that topic, both from an AA perspective but also from non-AA ones such as Rational Recovery. A lot of the motivation for this was to "help her get better". Meanwhile my relationship with AXGF had pretty much ended, although we were still living together and I still had overwhelming secret hopes that we would get back together. That was about the time I started going to Al-Anon meetings. I also started some one-on-one counselling. The counselling probably had more of a significant and lasting effect on me, but at the time the companionship and parts of the Al-Anon message were very important. As time has gone on I've become more interested in my own co-dependent traits and am actively working on improving myself.
In essence, then, I see Al-Anon as a part of my own recovery but not one that I could not have survived without. For someone more religiously inclined than me, Al-Anon would probably fit a bit better but it's not the only way forward.
Mr B.
As the role of my AXGF's alcoholism in that abuse became more clear I started reading about that topic, both from an AA perspective but also from non-AA ones such as Rational Recovery. A lot of the motivation for this was to "help her get better". Meanwhile my relationship with AXGF had pretty much ended, although we were still living together and I still had overwhelming secret hopes that we would get back together. That was about the time I started going to Al-Anon meetings. I also started some one-on-one counselling. The counselling probably had more of a significant and lasting effect on me, but at the time the companionship and parts of the Al-Anon message were very important. As time has gone on I've become more interested in my own co-dependent traits and am actively working on improving myself.
In essence, then, I see Al-Anon as a part of my own recovery but not one that I could not have survived without. For someone more religiously inclined than me, Al-Anon would probably fit a bit better but it's not the only way forward.
Mr B.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Springfield, MA
Posts: 36
I found Alanon extremely helpful to me. It gently teaches you a spiritual journey that everyone can use, with or without the alcoholic. The twelve steps you learn in Alanon help lead you to living life with hope and gratitude. I have a long way to go, but the steps I learned in Alanon and the people there, who already had their own level of serenity, helped pull me out of my very deep hole of depair and hopelessness. I've gone 3 years and I'm just beginning to get better. Please give Alanon a try.....give yourself time to grow. Believe me, it doesn't always take a few weeks or even a few months. sometimes it takes years.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
On A scale of 1-10, I would have to say 11
When I first went to Al-Anon I went to a group I did not like and plus I went in with the idea that Al-Anon was going to help me help my AH..(naturaly I found no serenity in those rooms)
So I quit going to al-anon for about 6 months and I watched my life spirial out of control.. I became sicker then my addict, I was obsessed, compulsive, enabling, you name it... Thank God I hit Rock bottom because when someone suggested that I go back to al-anon I went willingly but to a different group then I went to before.. I found a group that had a lot of years of recovery and had some strong recovery..
Now I cannot imagine not going to Al-anon... I drive 30 minutes one way to get to my meeting 3 times a week.. even though there is a meeting (the one I didn't like 2 minutes from my house) If I have to miss a few meetings due to work I can immediatly sense how off balance my life is..
In my case I had two problems with Al-anon. 1. the group I first atttended was not right for me, though now that I'm stronger in my program if I needed to get to a meeting in a pinch I would use that one. 2. I wasn't ready, I was there for all the wrong reasons..
I would search around for more before I totaly gave up the idea of al-anon... some meetings are better then others, some meetings have stronger recovery then others. If worse comes to worse, go to an open AA meeting.. I go to these at least once every two weeks... sometimes I learn more about my self in AA then I do in Al-Anon..
When I first went to Al-Anon I went to a group I did not like and plus I went in with the idea that Al-Anon was going to help me help my AH..(naturaly I found no serenity in those rooms)
So I quit going to al-anon for about 6 months and I watched my life spirial out of control.. I became sicker then my addict, I was obsessed, compulsive, enabling, you name it... Thank God I hit Rock bottom because when someone suggested that I go back to al-anon I went willingly but to a different group then I went to before.. I found a group that had a lot of years of recovery and had some strong recovery..
Now I cannot imagine not going to Al-anon... I drive 30 minutes one way to get to my meeting 3 times a week.. even though there is a meeting (the one I didn't like 2 minutes from my house) If I have to miss a few meetings due to work I can immediatly sense how off balance my life is..
In my case I had two problems with Al-anon. 1. the group I first atttended was not right for me, though now that I'm stronger in my program if I needed to get to a meeting in a pinch I would use that one. 2. I wasn't ready, I was there for all the wrong reasons..
I would search around for more before I totaly gave up the idea of al-anon... some meetings are better then others, some meetings have stronger recovery then others. If worse comes to worse, go to an open AA meeting.. I go to these at least once every two weeks... sometimes I learn more about my self in AA then I do in Al-Anon..
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I'd have to agree with Jerect with an 11.
As far as not liking that particular meeting, if you needed to purchase a new car, would you just test drive one, and if that one didn't suit your needs, just throw your hands up and say 'Well, guess I just won't get a new car', and give up?!
As far as not liking that particular meeting, if you needed to purchase a new car, would you just test drive one, and if that one didn't suit your needs, just throw your hands up and say 'Well, guess I just won't get a new car', and give up?!
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Join Date: Jun 2008
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On a scale of 1 - 10....how important is an Alanon program?
To the skeptic with a closed mind looking for reasons why the program won't work: 1.
To the open-minded person willing to work the program and solve problems: 11.
The program works... but sometimes the people in the program do not.
Just my opinion.
To the skeptic with a closed mind looking for reasons why the program won't work: 1.
To the open-minded person willing to work the program and solve problems: 11.
The program works... but sometimes the people in the program do not.
Just my opinion.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Jersey,
Think about this, what were YOUR expectations with alanon? What did you think the meeting were going to offer you?
I know for me my expectations were that I was going to learn how to stop my alcoholic from drinking and get him into recovery. I thought I was going to find the “answer” and instead I found myself!
I certainly didn’t enjoy my first handful of meetings because they were not meeting my own expectations.
I'm glad I continued to go and I am glad I finally understood this enlightening program.
Think about this, what were YOUR expectations with alanon? What did you think the meeting were going to offer you?
I know for me my expectations were that I was going to learn how to stop my alcoholic from drinking and get him into recovery. I thought I was going to find the “answer” and instead I found myself!
I certainly didn’t enjoy my first handful of meetings because they were not meeting my own expectations.
I'm glad I continued to go and I am glad I finally understood this enlightening program.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
I also had problems when I first went. The closest meeting to me I don't feel I "fit" with. Most of the other meetings are really far and it's hard for me to get to them; but I like them better. Once I learned to "work" the program, I find that I can go to the close meeting and still get things out of it, I still don't like that one, but it gives me some place to go.
I must admit I rarely go now. I come here, read books, go to therapy, ect... but I do have an Al-Anon book that I read daily and I do go to meetings off and on. I think they are important (an 11). If I didn't do all the things I just listed my life would be out of control in no time.
I must admit I rarely go now. I come here, read books, go to therapy, ect... but I do have an Al-Anon book that I read daily and I do go to meetings off and on. I think they are important (an 11). If I didn't do all the things I just listed my life would be out of control in no time.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
Well, first off, I guess I need to know what you mean by establishing a healthy relationship with the A in your life.....because if, in your mind, that would necessitate your somehow managing to get the A to act the way that treat you the way that you would like him/her to act and to treat you, well, that's really not at all what Al Anon is about.
You are powerless over the alcoholic. Period. End of story.
Al Anon is first and foremost about you establishing a healthy relationship with yourself and with a HP of your understanding. If you do these things -- and these are not things that one is going to be able to do quickly, by going to a few meetings or reading a few books; this is a process of self-discovery and self-awareness and emotional and spiritual growth that happens over time -- then you will eventually have healthy relationships with others, including the alcoholic. But, depending upon what you discover about yourself and your own needs, that might mean not having the alcoholic in your life anymore, or having the still active and non-recovering alcoholic in your life and learning to detach from him/her emotionally when he/she engages in behaviors that are hurtful and destructive.
While your alcoholic may someday recover and learn to live differently, your interacting with him/her in a way that is healthy and safe for you does not, and cannot healthily, depend on what he/she does or doesn't do.
What I'm hearing as I look back over your recent posts is that you are looking for a "quick fix." There is no such thing. The issues and behaviors that go along with Alcoholism -- whether for the alcoholic or for the people in his/her life who have been affected by his behavior -- did not arise overnight and they're not going away overnight. This is work -- hard-work, life-and-soul-changing work, long-term work -- which can only be done successfully when you become willing to give up the idea that you know what the "best," "right," "good" outcome should be and that you can, somehow, manage "to make" that happen.
As for "the importance of Al Anon," well for me personally it's a 10. Not that I think that it's the only way to get this work done, but because, for me, it managed to pull together a lot of things I had already learned in my life and organize them in a spiritual way and in a way that also allows lots of room for individuality and freedom and experimentation. You might try religion, you might try therapy, you might any of a number of other things.....but, if you try to get away from the long-term work and try to hold onto the idea that your relationship with the alcoholic has to look some preconceived-by-you-way in order for you to be healthy and happy, my guess is that you will continue to spin your wheels and be frustrated.
freya
BTW, barring some totally bizarre situation, there really is no way to adequately judge the Al Anon program on the basis of having attended 1 meeting twice. Every group is different and you probably need to hear a group working on at least several different topics/issues before you can even have a good idea of whether or any particular group might "feel right" for you.
You are powerless over the alcoholic. Period. End of story.
Al Anon is first and foremost about you establishing a healthy relationship with yourself and with a HP of your understanding. If you do these things -- and these are not things that one is going to be able to do quickly, by going to a few meetings or reading a few books; this is a process of self-discovery and self-awareness and emotional and spiritual growth that happens over time -- then you will eventually have healthy relationships with others, including the alcoholic. But, depending upon what you discover about yourself and your own needs, that might mean not having the alcoholic in your life anymore, or having the still active and non-recovering alcoholic in your life and learning to detach from him/her emotionally when he/she engages in behaviors that are hurtful and destructive.
While your alcoholic may someday recover and learn to live differently, your interacting with him/her in a way that is healthy and safe for you does not, and cannot healthily, depend on what he/she does or doesn't do.
What I'm hearing as I look back over your recent posts is that you are looking for a "quick fix." There is no such thing. The issues and behaviors that go along with Alcoholism -- whether for the alcoholic or for the people in his/her life who have been affected by his behavior -- did not arise overnight and they're not going away overnight. This is work -- hard-work, life-and-soul-changing work, long-term work -- which can only be done successfully when you become willing to give up the idea that you know what the "best," "right," "good" outcome should be and that you can, somehow, manage "to make" that happen.
As for "the importance of Al Anon," well for me personally it's a 10. Not that I think that it's the only way to get this work done, but because, for me, it managed to pull together a lot of things I had already learned in my life and organize them in a spiritual way and in a way that also allows lots of room for individuality and freedom and experimentation. You might try religion, you might try therapy, you might any of a number of other things.....but, if you try to get away from the long-term work and try to hold onto the idea that your relationship with the alcoholic has to look some preconceived-by-you-way in order for you to be healthy and happy, my guess is that you will continue to spin your wheels and be frustrated.
freya
BTW, barring some totally bizarre situation, there really is no way to adequately judge the Al Anon program on the basis of having attended 1 meeting twice. Every group is different and you probably need to hear a group working on at least several different topics/issues before you can even have a good idea of whether or any particular group might "feel right" for you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
How important is/was alanon to you in establishing a healthy relationship with the alcoholic in your life?
A "healthy" relationship with an alcoholic was never my goal in going to AlAnon. Because I am not sure that it is possible since a person in active addiciton is incapable of being present enough in a relationship (which takes 2) for it to be healthy.
I kept an open mind and was humble about the fact that all my best ideas and best thinking were not helping me - they were in fact making me sick.
I have healthier relationships with everyone in my life now. AlAnon taught me how to break the strong habits of mind I had developed as a codie child and sibling of alcoholics. MY mind wasn't healthy. I had to get the focus off the alcoholics and onto me.
I also tried a lot of meetings and settled on 2 regulars. And I have to say I was in so much pain that sometimes those slogans saved my life! No joke.
First things first.
One Day at a time.
Do the next right thing.
Just those 3 have carried me through some ugly crisis moments of anxiety. But again I think its because I chose to utilize them as tools and I kept an open mind and saw the purpose behind them instead of just the platitude.
Good luck-
peace-
B.
A "healthy" relationship with an alcoholic was never my goal in going to AlAnon. Because I am not sure that it is possible since a person in active addiciton is incapable of being present enough in a relationship (which takes 2) for it to be healthy.
I kept an open mind and was humble about the fact that all my best ideas and best thinking were not helping me - they were in fact making me sick.
I have healthier relationships with everyone in my life now. AlAnon taught me how to break the strong habits of mind I had developed as a codie child and sibling of alcoholics. MY mind wasn't healthy. I had to get the focus off the alcoholics and onto me.
I also tried a lot of meetings and settled on 2 regulars. And I have to say I was in so much pain that sometimes those slogans saved my life! No joke.
First things first.
One Day at a time.
Do the next right thing.
Just those 3 have carried me through some ugly crisis moments of anxiety. But again I think its because I chose to utilize them as tools and I kept an open mind and saw the purpose behind them instead of just the platitude.
Good luck-
peace-
B.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
FOr me, I'd say AlAnon is optional and have to personally give it a 0 since I have never gone to a single meeting. On the other hand, I find that I "accidentally" am working thru the steps without actually working the program since it is a logical way to work on my own recovery. But I do not read the steps, do not attend meetings or anything else actually associated with AlAnon.
There other routes that work and can work quite well. For me it has been honest self examination, lots and lots of reading, some individual therapy and "talking" to folks here, on other forums and in person with a couple of RAs I am close to.
There other routes that work and can work quite well. For me it has been honest self examination, lots and lots of reading, some individual therapy and "talking" to folks here, on other forums and in person with a couple of RAs I am close to.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
When I went to Al-Anon I found it helpful...then I found what I really needed...CoDA.
I was hooked, then went to a conference. I don't think any one thing can completely "fix" me. I like to take in information from a lot of different places and sources, then go with what helps me grow and heal. My guess is that it's different for everyone.
I was hooked, then went to a conference. I don't think any one thing can completely "fix" me. I like to take in information from a lot of different places and sources, then go with what helps me grow and heal. My guess is that it's different for everyone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Northern New Jersey
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by freya 
Well, first off, I guess I need to know what you mean by establishing a healthy relationship with the A in your life.....because if, in your mind, that would necessitate your somehow managing to get the A to act the way that treat you the way that you would like him/her to act and to treat you, well, that's really not at all what Al Anon is about.
..........What I'm hearing as I look back over your recent posts is that you are looking for a "quick fix." There is no such thing.
..........What I'm hearing as I look back over your recent posts is that you are looking for a "quick fix." There is no such thing.
I guess my biggest turn off is....the gimmicky slogans, the atmosphere of whatever the problem, here is a list of 20 pat answers that you should focus on.
In the meeting, I felt like I was in some really bad reality TV show, and the writers gave everyone a couple of pages of things to say, no matter what the situation. Nothing felt genuine to me.
So, while I will continue to go to meetings (for now), my hope to to explore some OTHER options...to see what fits ME best.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
I hate so much that you felt a meeting was "Dr Philish"
that would be a nightmare to me!!
I detest watching Dr Phil - but my f2f al-anon meetings would rate a 12 for me.
I agree with the suggestions that sometimes there are different atmospheres at different meetings so maybe a different meeting may be where you find your "home".
Several of my friends find Al-Anon works for them but don't attend meetings -
Most of us have found that more than anything it has taken time to decide whether the program can help us or not. At my f2f meeting we usually suggest trying 6 meetings before making a decision -
I hope that most of all you will find what works for you so that you can life Happy, Joyous and Free - Everyone Deserves that!
HUGS,
Rita
that would be a nightmare to me!!
I detest watching Dr Phil - but my f2f al-anon meetings would rate a 12 for me.
I agree with the suggestions that sometimes there are different atmospheres at different meetings so maybe a different meeting may be where you find your "home".
Several of my friends find Al-Anon works for them but don't attend meetings -
Most of us have found that more than anything it has taken time to decide whether the program can help us or not. At my f2f meeting we usually suggest trying 6 meetings before making a decision -
I hope that most of all you will find what works for you so that you can life Happy, Joyous and Free - Everyone Deserves that!
HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
JerseyGirl, not sure about the particular atmosphere of the meeting(s) you went to, but I've heard that sometimes you do need to 'shop around' to find a group that you feel comfortable with and relate to.
I finally went to al-anon 6 months ago, although my sister had suggested it some years back. I hadn't been ready then, because for me, it was bringing me out of denial. I was ready 6 months ago. I think I was lucky to find a group I grew to love, and now I've moved cities and will be exploring meetings here.
I didn't know what to expect, and because I'm not religious at all, worried about that aspect. And yes, it was a bit weird at first. But an amazing thing happened. I felt better. Maybe it wasn't even the content of the meetings but just that I was DOING something that felt empowering to me. That I was, in a healthy way, dealing with my situation and I felt that it was one step closer to breaking the cycle I was in, cuz I was miserable.
And, after several meetings, very subtly, I started to notice changes in myself, and so did my spouse. And I started to look forward to the meetings. But I do know that I had to actively 'let myself go'. I had always had the attitude of it being his problem, why did I need help? Through listening to other stories, I learned my own codependent ways, and how I held myself on a high horse. Once I was able to really open myself to the meetings and what they had to offer, that's when I realized that the program, very amazingly works.
This is my own story; for some it may not be the case. But try to give it a fair shake. Even the slogans seemed to ring true once I got into the groove and didn't seem so gimmicky anymore.
I finally went to al-anon 6 months ago, although my sister had suggested it some years back. I hadn't been ready then, because for me, it was bringing me out of denial. I was ready 6 months ago. I think I was lucky to find a group I grew to love, and now I've moved cities and will be exploring meetings here.
I didn't know what to expect, and because I'm not religious at all, worried about that aspect. And yes, it was a bit weird at first. But an amazing thing happened. I felt better. Maybe it wasn't even the content of the meetings but just that I was DOING something that felt empowering to me. That I was, in a healthy way, dealing with my situation and I felt that it was one step closer to breaking the cycle I was in, cuz I was miserable.
And, after several meetings, very subtly, I started to notice changes in myself, and so did my spouse. And I started to look forward to the meetings. But I do know that I had to actively 'let myself go'. I had always had the attitude of it being his problem, why did I need help? Through listening to other stories, I learned my own codependent ways, and how I held myself on a high horse. Once I was able to really open myself to the meetings and what they had to offer, that's when I realized that the program, very amazingly works.
This is my own story; for some it may not be the case. But try to give it a fair shake. Even the slogans seemed to ring true once I got into the groove and didn't seem so gimmicky anymore.
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