the nonsense
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 38
the nonsense
Yesterday I went out to hang out with my friends, had a good time, until I came home. Right as soon as I got in the door, my dad asked me to drive him over to a party, just so they can see his face. I was really upset I had to go back out, and even more upset to the fact that I had to take "him out"! Keep in mind my dad is selfish; he asked me if I was tired, I said "yes", and he made a smart ass comment, "why are u tired, you haven't done anything all day?". I was just amazed at the stupid questions he ask. Says the one who drinks and lays around the house all day waiting for a job to come to him. Of course I had to stop at a gas station for him to get some alcohol. I can't be around my dad because I easily get irritated just by seeing his face. He is delusional, selfish, irresponsible, disrespectful, ungrateful, etc. and its hard for me to respect a father who doesn't respect himself or his family.
As we were driving to the party, he made so many stupid comments I just wanted to to tell him to shut up! Talking about how driving down a marine base road is man stuff, stop telling my mother everything he does. He even had to nerve to tell me to not tell my mother to make him stop asking for my money; which is meant to be saved for school being I don't work. He keeps bringing up stuff about his father, and making excuses to why he makes me take him places; saying my father did this, or didn't do that....I DONT CARE! I didn't even know the man, let alone have a relationship with him. His father was an alcoholic just like him, and he left his family behind. You would think that would set an example of how not to act. He also keeps telling himself he raised me and taught me well, when everybody and their mama knows that my mother raised me, while he led his second life in the streets. He also complains about how he wishes he stayed in Richmond, and hadn't moved; I wish he would go back to Richmond, and shut up.
He said some random disrespectful things about my mother, saying how he is the reason we moved down her; idk what he is talking about being their married, she had to follow you down her. The fact she makes more money than him bothers him, and he said without him, my mother would have been raped by now because she is so friendly. I mean really, he hasn't done anything for us, so idk what he is talking about.
Alcoholics and their delusional nonsense.
As we were driving to the party, he made so many stupid comments I just wanted to to tell him to shut up! Talking about how driving down a marine base road is man stuff, stop telling my mother everything he does. He even had to nerve to tell me to not tell my mother to make him stop asking for my money; which is meant to be saved for school being I don't work. He keeps bringing up stuff about his father, and making excuses to why he makes me take him places; saying my father did this, or didn't do that....I DONT CARE! I didn't even know the man, let alone have a relationship with him. His father was an alcoholic just like him, and he left his family behind. You would think that would set an example of how not to act. He also keeps telling himself he raised me and taught me well, when everybody and their mama knows that my mother raised me, while he led his second life in the streets. He also complains about how he wishes he stayed in Richmond, and hadn't moved; I wish he would go back to Richmond, and shut up.
He said some random disrespectful things about my mother, saying how he is the reason we moved down her; idk what he is talking about being their married, she had to follow you down her. The fact she makes more money than him bothers him, and he said without him, my mother would have been raped by now because she is so friendly. I mean really, he hasn't done anything for us, so idk what he is talking about.
Alcoholics and their delusional nonsense.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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jtr, what is forcing you to do this?
You're putting yourself in danger of losing your driving privileges by having him and his alcohol in your car, especially if you've had a few yourself. Plus the fact that it's incredibly unpleasant, horrible experience for you.
Why can't he drive himself? Why can't you say "no - I can't afford to lose my license" ? And would it be impossible to leave this situation so you don't have to suffer this kind of abuse any more?
Just my first thoughts. Good luck.
You're putting yourself in danger of losing your driving privileges by having him and his alcohol in your car, especially if you've had a few yourself. Plus the fact that it's incredibly unpleasant, horrible experience for you.
Why can't he drive himself? Why can't you say "no - I can't afford to lose my license" ? And would it be impossible to leave this situation so you don't have to suffer this kind of abuse any more?
Just my first thoughts. Good luck.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 38
thanks for the comment
i don't drink at all. i can say no, but it will just end up in an argument. at this point i'm going to say to say no, and learn to get over his harassment. he uses me and my mom to try to get what he wants.
i didn't know i could get into trouble with him having his alcohol in the car, specially being he is my dad and i cant tell him what to do.
i'm only home for breaks so i don't really live with my parents anymore, and yes i could move out, but that is something i would have to consider.
i don't drink at all. i can say no, but it will just end up in an argument. at this point i'm going to say to say no, and learn to get over his harassment. he uses me and my mom to try to get what he wants.
i didn't know i could get into trouble with him having his alcohol in the car, specially being he is my dad and i cant tell him what to do.
i'm only home for breaks so i don't really live with my parents anymore, and yes i could move out, but that is something i would have to consider.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Wow, jtr90, your dad could be my dad... with the same stupid thoughtless self-centered comments. My dad even pulls the same, "you should tell your mother this for me..." It's a passive-aggressive game. Your mother has clearly already said no, so now he's trying to get you to put more pressure on her - for him. My dad does the same thing to me when he gets wind of a decision "he wouldn't make". Suddenly my mom and sister start piping up with discouraging ideas that I know they wouldn't come up with on their own - and bingo! I know exactly where it's coming from. My dad will also go on and on about how my accomplishments are really *his* accomplishments because he did such a GREAT job as a father. It's *all* about what the alcoholic wants, right? And we're just players in his little games to make him happy. I really share your frustration.
Something I realized with my dad is that he *doesn't* want to know that his behavior is hurting me. That's why we only talk about what he wants to talk about and focus on HIM HIM HIM. So really, that means he is someone I can't rely on to take care of me (right?). SO that means I need to take care of myself.
For your own sanity (and I can't emphasize this enough) DON'T be a player in his game. Start drawing boundaries with your dad. Even something as simple as, "I won't talk to you about this when you're drunk." He starts badmouthing your mom? "I don't mind talking about mom, but only while you're sober." He starts acting up, getting angry? Pull the car over and tell him, "You're making me uncomfortable. I can't drive while you're yelling at me. Either settle down or get out."
Very simple statements. Short. Concise. Like you're talking to a 4-year-old. Because that's the age level of his mentality while he's drunk.
I've tried this on my dad, with mixed results. Once you start to call them on their BS, they up the manipulation tactics. I've seen my dad escalate his whining (e.g. "I've had such a hard life, you don't understand, feel sorry for me, sorry sorry sorry..."). At his worst, he's thrown tantrums to SHOW me how much I'm hurting him; to scare me back into, "yes you're right, dad, you have had it so tough. I'm sorry I have feelings, how selfish of me."
But I'm not. I'm asking him not to hurt my feelings by disrespecting my mom, my choices, etc. by restraining himself. Disrespect includes badmouthing my choices or close ones, urinating in his clothes wihle visiting me, passing out on my bed, showing up drunk at my school, etc. etc. etc. So far he watches what he says around me, and tries the manipulation when he thinks there's an opening. But the point is *I* don't engage in his guilt-inducing manipulating mindgames. For my own mental health, I'm breaking out of this toxic thinking - this belief that a man like this is *normal*, a relationship with *anyone* like this is *normal*, and this is what I deserve.
If I don't change this for myself, I will turn into him. I will grow old and start blaming the loss of my youth on my father. I will fall into the cycle of, "I had it so tough with my dad, pity me pity me pity me." I'll fall in love with someone like him because I'll think it's normal and right. The anger I feel but can't express when he's bemoaning his wasted life will warp my personality; even these days when I'm around him I can see how rigid, uptight, and vicious I become, snapping at him for little things because I can't express how much his behavior is hurting me.
I was this person for a while, but with some help, found my way out of it. I'm still working through it.
The only catch is dealing with the guilt of how unnatural it feels to say no to a parent. I used to cry over saying no to my AF - like I was SO selfish for wanting to visit a friend instead of staying at home (in case he needs to go out or spill his depressed feelings to someone). It still feels WRONG to say no, because he's supposed to be my father and look out for me. The child in me wants so desperately to trust him, even though experience shows that he can't be trusted. It would be so easy to give in and just do what he wants. Then I'd never have to face the pain of standing up for myself - to him or anybody. I'd never have to admit that even *I* consider my feelings too worthless to defend.
I don't know how old you are, jtr90, or how entrenched you are in your AF's behavior. But don't wait for it to get better. Don't wait for when he finally recovers, and you can finally live your life. Your life is happening now. You're still entitled to live a happy, healthy one.
P.S. GL is right about losing your driving priveleges. Where I live, having open alcohol in the vehicle is illegal (on the basis that the driver can access it). A friend of mine got a warning and the cops dumped all their alcohol out because someone in the backseat had an open can. Cops here are always cracking down on it because it's absolutely true: drinking and driving destroys lives.
Something I realized with my dad is that he *doesn't* want to know that his behavior is hurting me. That's why we only talk about what he wants to talk about and focus on HIM HIM HIM. So really, that means he is someone I can't rely on to take care of me (right?). SO that means I need to take care of myself.
For your own sanity (and I can't emphasize this enough) DON'T be a player in his game. Start drawing boundaries with your dad. Even something as simple as, "I won't talk to you about this when you're drunk." He starts badmouthing your mom? "I don't mind talking about mom, but only while you're sober." He starts acting up, getting angry? Pull the car over and tell him, "You're making me uncomfortable. I can't drive while you're yelling at me. Either settle down or get out."
Very simple statements. Short. Concise. Like you're talking to a 4-year-old. Because that's the age level of his mentality while he's drunk.
I've tried this on my dad, with mixed results. Once you start to call them on their BS, they up the manipulation tactics. I've seen my dad escalate his whining (e.g. "I've had such a hard life, you don't understand, feel sorry for me, sorry sorry sorry..."). At his worst, he's thrown tantrums to SHOW me how much I'm hurting him; to scare me back into, "yes you're right, dad, you have had it so tough. I'm sorry I have feelings, how selfish of me."
But I'm not. I'm asking him not to hurt my feelings by disrespecting my mom, my choices, etc. by restraining himself. Disrespect includes badmouthing my choices or close ones, urinating in his clothes wihle visiting me, passing out on my bed, showing up drunk at my school, etc. etc. etc. So far he watches what he says around me, and tries the manipulation when he thinks there's an opening. But the point is *I* don't engage in his guilt-inducing manipulating mindgames. For my own mental health, I'm breaking out of this toxic thinking - this belief that a man like this is *normal*, a relationship with *anyone* like this is *normal*, and this is what I deserve.
If I don't change this for myself, I will turn into him. I will grow old and start blaming the loss of my youth on my father. I will fall into the cycle of, "I had it so tough with my dad, pity me pity me pity me." I'll fall in love with someone like him because I'll think it's normal and right. The anger I feel but can't express when he's bemoaning his wasted life will warp my personality; even these days when I'm around him I can see how rigid, uptight, and vicious I become, snapping at him for little things because I can't express how much his behavior is hurting me.
I was this person for a while, but with some help, found my way out of it. I'm still working through it.
The only catch is dealing with the guilt of how unnatural it feels to say no to a parent. I used to cry over saying no to my AF - like I was SO selfish for wanting to visit a friend instead of staying at home (in case he needs to go out or spill his depressed feelings to someone). It still feels WRONG to say no, because he's supposed to be my father and look out for me. The child in me wants so desperately to trust him, even though experience shows that he can't be trusted. It would be so easy to give in and just do what he wants. Then I'd never have to face the pain of standing up for myself - to him or anybody. I'd never have to admit that even *I* consider my feelings too worthless to defend.
I don't know how old you are, jtr90, or how entrenched you are in your AF's behavior. But don't wait for it to get better. Don't wait for when he finally recovers, and you can finally live your life. Your life is happening now. You're still entitled to live a happy, healthy one.
P.S. GL is right about losing your driving priveleges. Where I live, having open alcohol in the vehicle is illegal (on the basis that the driver can access it). A friend of mine got a warning and the cops dumped all their alcohol out because someone in the backseat had an open can. Cops here are always cracking down on it because it's absolutely true: drinking and driving destroys lives.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 38
^ that was a very good read!
i am 18, and all these years I have made a point of making small talk with my dad. whenever he ask me a question its usually "yes" or "no". I don't blame him for the hard times during my younger days, but the fact that I had to grow up faster than most kids bothered me. I found myself to be more mature than him by age 10, and I felt like the man of the house.
When my dad decides to throw a pity party, I learned to ignore it because yes it bothers me, but at the same I learn to keep my mouth shut because that's more time I have to spend proving a point; it wouldn't be worth it because he will make himself right, even though he is in the wrong. My mother told me I don't have to defend her when he bad mouths her, and I always felt like I had to. I'm trying to learn to not worry about his drinking or how he is slowly killing himself. The issue he has with keeping a job or hanging out in the streets at all hours is on him. He is an child in a adults body, and no one is trying to feel sorry or take care of him anymore.
i am 18, and all these years I have made a point of making small talk with my dad. whenever he ask me a question its usually "yes" or "no". I don't blame him for the hard times during my younger days, but the fact that I had to grow up faster than most kids bothered me. I found myself to be more mature than him by age 10, and I felt like the man of the house.
When my dad decides to throw a pity party, I learned to ignore it because yes it bothers me, but at the same I learn to keep my mouth shut because that's more time I have to spend proving a point; it wouldn't be worth it because he will make himself right, even though he is in the wrong. My mother told me I don't have to defend her when he bad mouths her, and I always felt like I had to. I'm trying to learn to not worry about his drinking or how he is slowly killing himself. The issue he has with keeping a job or hanging out in the streets at all hours is on him. He is an child in a adults body, and no one is trying to feel sorry or take care of him anymore.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
I learned to say to my alcoholic family that would start badmouthing anyone..."let's not talk about someone who is not here to defend themselves".....they stop, cause when they realize what this means they realize they are jerks. It does make the tone of the conversation change too, giving me the opportunity to start on an upbeat topic.....i think i learned this from al-anon. Lots of good tools to keep you safe and balanced while dealing with your alcoholic loved ones.
No Codie No More.
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 155
well jtr, atleast you came to the right place. I found in Sober Recovery that here are people who are experienced in our stories.. thats what I find the posts to be.. our stories of what happened and if we are lucky.. we find people who changed their stories into good ones..
I read some of the posts and see that you already got good advice so I don't have to add my .02 cents.. just my input!!!..
I read some of the posts and see that you already got good advice so I don't have to add my .02 cents.. just my input!!!..
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