Been doing some looking back...
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
Been doing some looking back...
So I did some looking back at me after reading the post on not accepting my blame for AH's cheating.
I thought, WOW the nerve of him to try to blame that on her. Shame on him.
A couple days went by and it hit me, I did take blame for my hubby being with another woman. I was told by him and his mother that part of the reason he went to someone else was because I wasn't affectionate enough with him. That I'd knocked down what made him a man so many times that it pushed him away. I bought it hook, line and sinker.
Never have I ever believed myself to be codependent on him. Reality is that I've always needed him, it made me feel good when he gave me good affection. I thought that maybe I'd gotten through and fixed him for a bit when he started treating me well. That the drinking wasn't a big deal, I was just making it a big deal.
Even when I have left I always thought this is it, I can do it, but I always found myself going back again. I needed him to need me, I needed to feel that I could fix him. I always felt it was up to me to make sure he didn't get in bar fights, arrested or what not. It was up to me to take care of him and make sure nothing really bad happened.
Can I say codependent?
Nobody looks after me like that and I've managed to not get arrested or in a fight.....ever. Yet I felt it was my problem to take care of him?
I think the thing that has really gotten me to thinking is the why of it all? Why have I done the things I've done? I don't drink and yet I've allowed myself to stay in a situation with someone who has? At some point in his life the alcohol will get to him again..health, family, financialy. I don't have to let it take me.
I choose to not drink, I don't smoke and I don't chew tobacco. I don't hate people and I don't see everyone as out to get me. I love animals and I love the peace that they bring. I love my kids and have never considered myself a bad parent. Yet I always let someone else get me to second guessing and questioning myself.
I may not be out of the woods just yet, but I believe I'm starting to see some light. I'm beginning to understand why I've done these things and to really see what I've done that wasn't necessary.
He can keep himself out of jail, he can keep himself out of fights and get himself up in the morning. These are things normal people would do without someone else watching over them. These should be a given in a relationship, not something for me to worry over.
I think my understanding of my problems and codependency issues will ensure a better future for me and my children after we leave this spring.
I thought, WOW the nerve of him to try to blame that on her. Shame on him.
A couple days went by and it hit me, I did take blame for my hubby being with another woman. I was told by him and his mother that part of the reason he went to someone else was because I wasn't affectionate enough with him. That I'd knocked down what made him a man so many times that it pushed him away. I bought it hook, line and sinker.
Never have I ever believed myself to be codependent on him. Reality is that I've always needed him, it made me feel good when he gave me good affection. I thought that maybe I'd gotten through and fixed him for a bit when he started treating me well. That the drinking wasn't a big deal, I was just making it a big deal.
Even when I have left I always thought this is it, I can do it, but I always found myself going back again. I needed him to need me, I needed to feel that I could fix him. I always felt it was up to me to make sure he didn't get in bar fights, arrested or what not. It was up to me to take care of him and make sure nothing really bad happened.
Can I say codependent?
Nobody looks after me like that and I've managed to not get arrested or in a fight.....ever. Yet I felt it was my problem to take care of him?
I think the thing that has really gotten me to thinking is the why of it all? Why have I done the things I've done? I don't drink and yet I've allowed myself to stay in a situation with someone who has? At some point in his life the alcohol will get to him again..health, family, financialy. I don't have to let it take me.
I choose to not drink, I don't smoke and I don't chew tobacco. I don't hate people and I don't see everyone as out to get me. I love animals and I love the peace that they bring. I love my kids and have never considered myself a bad parent. Yet I always let someone else get me to second guessing and questioning myself.
I may not be out of the woods just yet, but I believe I'm starting to see some light. I'm beginning to understand why I've done these things and to really see what I've done that wasn't necessary.
He can keep himself out of jail, he can keep himself out of fights and get himself up in the morning. These are things normal people would do without someone else watching over them. These should be a given in a relationship, not something for me to worry over.
I think my understanding of my problems and codependency issues will ensure a better future for me and my children after we leave this spring.
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
What a GREAT post.
Just so you know that you are not alone, I too put up with some of the very same behaviors you did. EXACT same behaviors.
Why? I don't know the answer to that yet...but I'm working thru it.
I'm a smart, attractive, strong, funny, responsible, reliable woman and I let an alcoholic/addict into my home and life. I, like you, wanted to FIX him...wanted him to NEED me. Now I ask myself "why on earth did I allow him into my life - and continue to stay for 2 years?".
Oh and one more thing - it's taken me close to 7 months to start to get over the constant "questioning myself and second guessing me and my actions/thoughts" and it feels good. Good to know that I am in control of ME and Me alone and that how I feel or what I do is my choice and my right.
Like I said - wow...what a post. Something about it just struck a nerve with me today...thank you for that.
Peace.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
I've been here a long time, married in '96.
I sort of know why I've stayed and involved myself in his BS. I always thought I needed him to make me whole. For some strange reason every time that he "went off" and came back saying I'm sorry, I love you it made me feel good. It was like I know I was right, he admits it and maybe it would really be the last time.
Logically I knew it wasn't, if I wrote down everything in a good/bad list the bad would far outweight the good. Nothing ever really changed, things would go okay for awhile and then something would go ary. His blowup made him feel better, made me feel worse and making up made me right, I got my "fix".
Tonight he went to the bar with his friends, I knew it was getting to be about that time again. After he left my 10yr old said, I can't believe he went. When I asked her why, she said look where it's gotten him so far. Straight from the mouths of babes.
I sort of know why I've stayed and involved myself in his BS. I always thought I needed him to make me whole. For some strange reason every time that he "went off" and came back saying I'm sorry, I love you it made me feel good. It was like I know I was right, he admits it and maybe it would really be the last time.
Logically I knew it wasn't, if I wrote down everything in a good/bad list the bad would far outweight the good. Nothing ever really changed, things would go okay for awhile and then something would go ary. His blowup made him feel better, made me feel worse and making up made me right, I got my "fix".
Tonight he went to the bar with his friends, I knew it was getting to be about that time again. After he left my 10yr old said, I can't believe he went. When I asked her why, she said look where it's gotten him so far. Straight from the mouths of babes.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
I've been married since '01. Sometimes when you've been in this a long time it's easier to stay (and that seems so crazy to say) then to face an uncertain future.
I know as co-dependents we also get something out of these relationships; but it also seems that we get brainwashed a bit too! Addiction is a charmer that keeps everyone lulled in their places until you can't stand it anymore and have to break free...
I know as co-dependents we also get something out of these relationships; but it also seems that we get brainwashed a bit too! Addiction is a charmer that keeps everyone lulled in their places until you can't stand it anymore and have to break free...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
I've done stupid things growing up, I drank as a teenager and before I had kids. Funny thing is I still never slept with around, I never became hateful, beligerant and downright mean.
Life is about choices, good and bad. I think it's easier for my AH to lay the blame on me rather than taking any of the responsibility himself. Paying the bills is easy compared to owning up to all the wrong doing and accepting the fault.
Life is about choices, good and bad. I think it's easier for my AH to lay the blame on me rather than taking any of the responsibility himself. Paying the bills is easy compared to owning up to all the wrong doing and accepting the fault.
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