Help with stopping the "But I Feel Sorry For Him" excuse
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
Help with stopping the "But I Feel Sorry For Him" excuse
Hey folks--I used to post on here quite a bit, mostly this past summer, and have waned since then. I won't go into the gory details of what has happened with me and my AH since then except to say--he got sober, went to meetings regularly, begged me and dd to move back home, we did, he relapsed, he stopped drinking again...and relapsed again. Same old, same old...
I'll jump right to the chase. I really feel as if I want to leave him; I think I have a much better chance at happiness, as does dd, if I do. But I feel like more than anythiing else, more than residual love, or fear of the unknown, or reluctance to change, my pity for him keeps me stuck. See, I can pretty much guarantee (well, I guess I can't, but I sure feel pretty certain about it) that while MY life would be better without him, HIS life would be much worse without me. I know that sounds smug, but I mean it for two reasons--I make all the money--he's got a really messed up work ethic at this point, as well as some physical issues and for sure mental issues that make him a less than ideal employee. As well, no one really cares about him anymore except for me and dd. His parents are dead, he ran off his friends long ago, he never got close to anyone in his last AA stint, and most of his brothers and sisters either don't live here or have written him off. He has ONE sister (out of 7) that still holds out some hope for him and would still probably let him do things like spend Thanksgiving at her house, but that's it. He's not welcome anywhere else. That just...makes me so sad, you know? He actually does have a good heart buried somewhere underneath all the pain and addiction and self-destructive ********. I've seen it even fairly recently--he's only a pain in the ass when actively drinking. Problem is, he always goes back to it. I don't want the former love of my life and father of my child to be out on the street. I don't want him to be unloved and alone. And yet...I don't want to continue throwing my life away on this dead end.
I'll jump right to the chase. I really feel as if I want to leave him; I think I have a much better chance at happiness, as does dd, if I do. But I feel like more than anythiing else, more than residual love, or fear of the unknown, or reluctance to change, my pity for him keeps me stuck. See, I can pretty much guarantee (well, I guess I can't, but I sure feel pretty certain about it) that while MY life would be better without him, HIS life would be much worse without me. I know that sounds smug, but I mean it for two reasons--I make all the money--he's got a really messed up work ethic at this point, as well as some physical issues and for sure mental issues that make him a less than ideal employee. As well, no one really cares about him anymore except for me and dd. His parents are dead, he ran off his friends long ago, he never got close to anyone in his last AA stint, and most of his brothers and sisters either don't live here or have written him off. He has ONE sister (out of 7) that still holds out some hope for him and would still probably let him do things like spend Thanksgiving at her house, but that's it. He's not welcome anywhere else. That just...makes me so sad, you know? He actually does have a good heart buried somewhere underneath all the pain and addiction and self-destructive ********. I've seen it even fairly recently--he's only a pain in the ass when actively drinking. Problem is, he always goes back to it. I don't want the former love of my life and father of my child to be out on the street. I don't want him to be unloved and alone. And yet...I don't want to continue throwing my life away on this dead end.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I believe you've answered your own question right in the subject line of your post. I also used pity as an excuse to avoid making an uncomfortable change. I always convinced myself that I was reluctant to leave because of him. But the truth was I was reluctant to leave because of me.
Why are YOU reluctant to leave?
Why are YOU reluctant to leave?
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I was told once that I tend to confuse sympathy with love.
Love is the determination to do good for the beloved. This includes love of self, I think. You should determine for yourself that you want to work for your own good.
So....will it be for your own good to continue to live with this man.....will it be for your child's good to be with this man as he is right now?
((Mambo Queen)) HG
Love is the determination to do good for the beloved. This includes love of self, I think. You should determine for yourself that you want to work for your own good.
So....will it be for your own good to continue to live with this man.....will it be for your child's good to be with this man as he is right now?
((Mambo Queen)) HG
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
I know that I did basically answer my own question in the subject line. I guess I just need help with the guilt. Like, is it really OK to just dump someone who you strongly suspect may actually die, or at least have a terrible life on his/her own? I realize just writing that out how crazily codie that sounds. Sometimes just writing it out helps. but to hear my AH tell it, I'll be leaving him to die on the streets. When I point out to him that he's a grown-ass man who by all rights should be perfectly capable of taking care of himself, and if he lets himself live on the streets, that's on him, not me, he accuses me of just parroting what I hear from my former therapist and therapy friend. Like it couldn't be my own mind that is telling me that a 41-year-old man actually should and could be capable of taking care of his own damn business. Shoot, I just keep answering my own questions right and left, don't I? Next time, I'll just have this conversation in front of a mirror, and save y'all the trouble LOL.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I knew when I left my now xAH he could stand on his own and choose recovery but might not do so. I also knew (and know) he is an adult responsible for his choices and the consequences of those choices. I initially felt some guilt because I had been enabling him for so long but with therapy and help here and with some RAs I know, I came to understand I am NOT responsible for xAH. I am NOT the one imposing consequences on xAH.
xAH has not even admitted to his alcoholism last I heard. He was still drinking last I heard. He is now leeching off his elderly mother, still unemployed. He has no real friends. He chooses to live the way he does. As long as his mohter chooses to enable him, he will continue on as he has been.
Their choices, not mine and none of by business any more.
It's not easy to watch or hear of xAH continuing down his road to self destruction. I pray daily that he find his way to recovery. Nothing would make me happier than to hear he has done so. But I bear no guilt for the natural consequences of xAH's choices. He owns them, no one else.
xAH has not even admitted to his alcoholism last I heard. He was still drinking last I heard. He is now leeching off his elderly mother, still unemployed. He has no real friends. He chooses to live the way he does. As long as his mohter chooses to enable him, he will continue on as he has been.
Their choices, not mine and none of by business any more.
It's not easy to watch or hear of xAH continuing down his road to self destruction. I pray daily that he find his way to recovery. Nothing would make me happier than to hear he has done so. But I bear no guilt for the natural consequences of xAH's choices. He owns them, no one else.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
it is sad, but you know you cannot save him......how long have you been together and things just stay the same?
i had a choice....save myself or stay with him and watch him self-destruct, regardless of what i did to try to help him.
my x found a way to survive. he is a survivor. most alcoholics are survivors.
love yourself to save your life and make a good life for yourself. love him enough to let go....it may be his chance to save himself.
i had a choice....save myself or stay with him and watch him self-destruct, regardless of what i did to try to help him.
my x found a way to survive. he is a survivor. most alcoholics are survivors.
love yourself to save your life and make a good life for yourself. love him enough to let go....it may be his chance to save himself.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi Mambo Queen,
When my sympathy for myself finally equalled my sympathy for my ex-partner, then these decisions weren't as hard for me.
My partner (when I left him) was 40, and had made lousy choices that affected his employability, his health, and his financial situation. He was inches from being on the street.
I dealt with the guilt by working through the usual recovery stuff (which has been well covered here
) and getting strong, BUT ALSO by selecting a couple of helpful things I could do to give him a fighting chance to take care of himself. I left, but paid for certain things to buy him some time to find work and a new home; helped him find a few job referrals etc.
No, I didn't "have" to do this and some would certainly say that I "shouldn't" have done this, but those few things made me feel as though I'd given him more tools HE needed to move on, and provided me enough guilt relief to do what I had to do for myself. Whether the took them or not was not my problem...it was the offering that helped me, at the time.
He's fine now - he floundered a while, trying to get me to save him some more, but when he realized he was on his own he magically found a way to make things work.
You're not responsible for his choices or for his problems -- and if you are, I'll bet there are at least 100 million others who are in desperate straits in life NOT because of their own choices....better start handing out numbers
But do what you need to do to feel okay about this -- SHORT OF laying your own life on that altar.
Hugs to you!
When my sympathy for myself finally equalled my sympathy for my ex-partner, then these decisions weren't as hard for me.
My partner (when I left him) was 40, and had made lousy choices that affected his employability, his health, and his financial situation. He was inches from being on the street.
I dealt with the guilt by working through the usual recovery stuff (which has been well covered here
) and getting strong, BUT ALSO by selecting a couple of helpful things I could do to give him a fighting chance to take care of himself. I left, but paid for certain things to buy him some time to find work and a new home; helped him find a few job referrals etc.No, I didn't "have" to do this and some would certainly say that I "shouldn't" have done this, but those few things made me feel as though I'd given him more tools HE needed to move on, and provided me enough guilt relief to do what I had to do for myself. Whether the took them or not was not my problem...it was the offering that helped me, at the time.
He's fine now - he floundered a while, trying to get me to save him some more, but when he realized he was on his own he magically found a way to make things work.
You're not responsible for his choices or for his problems -- and if you are, I'll bet there are at least 100 million others who are in desperate straits in life NOT because of their own choices....better start handing out numbers
But do what you need to do to feel okay about this -- SHORT OF laying your own life on that altar.
Hugs to you!
No Codie No More.
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 155
I think I stopped feeling sorry for her when it started to **** me off.. honestly.. I got tired of her getting drunk every night and was tired of her not doing anything about it..
I'm not going to lie and say every moment I had with her was hell.. but it wasn't rainbows in a green field.. I learned alot from her and I think it made me the person I want to be..
its a long story but I guess Steel gets stronger in the hottest fire sort of thing..
we all have our stories, thats why we come here.. but we come here because we don't want to deal with those stories ever again..
I'm not going to lie and say every moment I had with her was hell.. but it wasn't rainbows in a green field.. I learned alot from her and I think it made me the person I want to be..
its a long story but I guess Steel gets stronger in the hottest fire sort of thing..
we all have our stories, thats why we come here.. but we come here because we don't want to deal with those stories ever again..
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