Boyfriend in 6mo RTC--self talk killin me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Rio Rancho, NM
Posts: 83
Boyfriend in 6mo RTC--self talk killin me
I have now attended my 1st al-anon meeting, tonight is my 2nd meeting. i have been trying to decode the letter my boyfriend is sending me w/o luck. before he left he did say he loved me but now its he want to marry me, he is dying to know if i am cheating on him while he is gone, he wants me to stay true to him, he wants me and only me, when he phases up he will only call me to hear my "sexy" voice, he misses me so much he want to run away to just be with me...
before he left he disappeared for 2days in my uncles vehicle and one of those days i had take a vacation day to spend with him alone. now im questioning all of this talk. i have asked directly to sit down, think about it and answer why now am i so important when he was not at rehab he would yell, be mean..etc. he says he has answered and stop asking. he says he is trying to be different and he is doing well learning. he has passed the physical fitness testing to be a firefighter where he is. he described the tests as very hard for him (he is tall and overweight.) he said he is rapidly getting in shape. he told me in the past if i was to gain weight he couldnt be with me. i am very worried/fearful that he will take the rest of this 5mo 1wk and recover (great for him) from his addictions, get fit/trim/etc and come back to me who is a MESS and dump me! geez i am so worried. i am tellin you, i am grouchy, eating so so so much,not focusing on things usually important me....
the wonder of my boyfriend dumping me after he is well is killing me. so far i am TRYING to work on myself in these ways: started al-anon, going to church regularly, reading the Bible, seeing a therapist 2x a month, and finally attending a co-dependent support group. all this and i still feel lousy. i hope and pray to God that its just still early and i will continue to recover myself. i LOVE the advice to say ME when i am focusing on him. great great stuff.
you guys are awesome. thanks for your tips/advice/sharing. so much appreciate.
yvonne
before he left he disappeared for 2days in my uncles vehicle and one of those days i had take a vacation day to spend with him alone. now im questioning all of this talk. i have asked directly to sit down, think about it and answer why now am i so important when he was not at rehab he would yell, be mean..etc. he says he has answered and stop asking. he says he is trying to be different and he is doing well learning. he has passed the physical fitness testing to be a firefighter where he is. he described the tests as very hard for him (he is tall and overweight.) he said he is rapidly getting in shape. he told me in the past if i was to gain weight he couldnt be with me. i am very worried/fearful that he will take the rest of this 5mo 1wk and recover (great for him) from his addictions, get fit/trim/etc and come back to me who is a MESS and dump me! geez i am so worried. i am tellin you, i am grouchy, eating so so so much,not focusing on things usually important me....
the wonder of my boyfriend dumping me after he is well is killing me. so far i am TRYING to work on myself in these ways: started al-anon, going to church regularly, reading the Bible, seeing a therapist 2x a month, and finally attending a co-dependent support group. all this and i still feel lousy. i hope and pray to God that its just still early and i will continue to recover myself. i LOVE the advice to say ME when i am focusing on him. great great stuff.
you guys are awesome. thanks for your tips/advice/sharing. so much appreciate.
yvonne
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
all this and i still feel lousy.
(((hugs)))
stay strong kuljey-- it takes time to process all this stuff and to change our habits of mind. But the good thing is that one day at a time you can do it! Glad to hear of all the support you are surrounding yourself with...
peace-
B.
(((hugs)))
stay strong kuljey-- it takes time to process all this stuff and to change our habits of mind. But the good thing is that one day at a time you can do it! Glad to hear of all the support you are surrounding yourself with...
peace-
B.
Freed from the anguish
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 124
(((kuljey)))
Some of the statements coming from your bf hit some triggers for me. You may want to pick up the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft and just see if your bf fits into anything you read. My recovering AH fit into some of the descriptions and things in the book and it helped me realize why I was so confused when in contact with him.
Don't let him, his words, his actions, his talk mess with your head. You are making GREAT bounds in taking care of yourself. Don't give up because of him. (((kuljey)))
- JustMe
Some of the statements coming from your bf hit some triggers for me. You may want to pick up the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft and just see if your bf fits into anything you read. My recovering AH fit into some of the descriptions and things in the book and it helped me realize why I was so confused when in contact with him.
Don't let him, his words, his actions, his talk mess with your head. You are making GREAT bounds in taking care of yourself. Don't give up because of him. (((kuljey)))
- JustMe
Searching for Serenity
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 128
you are going through an awful lot of stress right now.
please keep taking care of yourself. no matter what he says.
i know it's hard to be away from him so long, but you are lucky that you have 5 months to figure things out for yourself without having to worry about him.
he is clean and safe where he is and you don't have to talk to him or see him anytime that you don't want to (and it's okay to miss a phone call or a visitation here and there)..
you NEED this time to take care of yourself, something you probably haven't done in a while.:ghug3
please keep taking care of yourself. no matter what he says.
i know it's hard to be away from him so long, but you are lucky that you have 5 months to figure things out for yourself without having to worry about him.
he is clean and safe where he is and you don't have to talk to him or see him anytime that you don't want to (and it's okay to miss a phone call or a visitation here and there)..
you NEED this time to take care of yourself, something you probably haven't done in a while.:ghug3
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Fort Myers, FL
Posts: 161
You are taking some great steps to care for yourself, and you are staying true to your BF. Doesn't it seem like he ought to be true to you in your recovery? That is something I would want in a relationship. I know it can be scary to think ahead and worry about what he might do. Remember the 3 C's -- you can't control what he will do or decide about you. You are the best friend you will ever have, and kuljey really needs a good friend to help her through this. Time will tell whether his words have actions behind them that demonstrate his recovery. Until then, this is a great time for you to be extra loving and caring for yourself. Be gentle, keep working your recovery, and please stay in touch with us.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Rio Rancho, NM
Posts: 83
Ive now attended 2 Al-Anon meetings, very very great help. I was able to talk to my bf via the telephone yesterday. He said that i was the cause of his relapse. I told him i didnt cause it, cant cure him. He told me but he could of stopped the relationship before he went into relapse. So...he is a residential treatment center and has learned it is his GIRLFRIENDS FAULT....can that be?
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Nope, he's quacking at you and using the treatment centre to give his claims validity! 
Do you feel guilty? Did you believe it? Are you doing what he wants? Is this not so subtle attempt at shifting the blame and manipulating you working?
I heard so much of this from my AH. Please, don't buy into it. He's an adult, responsible for his own actions. You didn't sit him down and pour alcohol down his throat. It was his choice, and his alone, to drink. It will be his choice, and his alone, to stop. Shifting the blame makes things easier for him to justify his own actions to himself but it doesn't make it true. There is a post in the stickies that I want to quote here but I can't remember which post it came from (but it really struck a chord with me). Apologies to the original poster!
'My refrigerator isn't blue, my refrigerator isn't blue, just because you say it doesn't make it true'!
Take care of yourself today - you really don't need to take responsibility for anything other than your own actions! :ghug3
Do you feel guilty? Did you believe it? Are you doing what he wants? Is this not so subtle attempt at shifting the blame and manipulating you working?
I heard so much of this from my AH. Please, don't buy into it. He's an adult, responsible for his own actions. You didn't sit him down and pour alcohol down his throat. It was his choice, and his alone, to drink. It will be his choice, and his alone, to stop. Shifting the blame makes things easier for him to justify his own actions to himself but it doesn't make it true. There is a post in the stickies that I want to quote here but I can't remember which post it came from (but it really struck a chord with me). Apologies to the original poster!
'My refrigerator isn't blue, my refrigerator isn't blue, just because you say it doesn't make it true'!
Take care of yourself today - you really don't need to take responsibility for anything other than your own actions! :ghug3
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Someone on the board (sorry that I have forgotten who) said, unless you put the drink in his hand and made him drink it, unless you put the crack pipe to his lips and lit it, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE for making him the way that he is.....
Keep going to the Al-Anon meetings and keep coming here! You are doing great!
HG
Keep going to the Al-Anon meetings and keep coming here! You are doing great!
HG
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Rio Rancho, NM
Posts: 83
Originally Posted by bookwyrm 
Nope, he's quacking at you and using the treatment centre to give his claims validity!
Do you feel guilty? Did you believe it? Are you doing what he wants? Is this not so subtle attempt at shifting the blame and manipulating you working?
Do you feel guilty? Did you believe it? Are you doing what he wants? Is this not so subtle attempt at shifting the blame and manipulating you working?
also, yea now i fu'kn feel guilty... well at least a little!!! his manipulating is working less though since i have been reading my daily readings in my al-anon book and my bible and coming here!!
it is what it is...
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 179
He wouldn't be with you if you were overweight? That's love?
I won't hop on my "I hate men" soap box.
When my ex was in jail he needed me. I was his rock. He was nice and sweet. When he was out... names, ugliness, disappearing... over and over.
The last time he was in jail he quit calling me. For 8 months. Fine, I didn't write him either, I had just found this place and was healing.
When he got out he said he quit calling because he needed time to heal and get his head on straight. Do you see how many times the word "he" is in that sentence. I replied to him that it was OK and I used that time to heal myself. I couldn't believe his response he said "Oh, I never thought of that.....". He was always so selfish.
So really do make this time for you. He isn't going anywhere. He is scared and needs you. The only way to control you is his sweet words. He is stuck somewhere. I've been in this boat far too many times. So keep working on yourself hon, you only get one life and it belongs to you and you only. Just don't waste half of it like I did.
I won't hop on my "I hate men" soap box.
When my ex was in jail he needed me. I was his rock. He was nice and sweet. When he was out... names, ugliness, disappearing... over and over.
The last time he was in jail he quit calling me. For 8 months. Fine, I didn't write him either, I had just found this place and was healing.
When he got out he said he quit calling because he needed time to heal and get his head on straight. Do you see how many times the word "he" is in that sentence. I replied to him that it was OK and I used that time to heal myself. I couldn't believe his response he said "Oh, I never thought of that.....". He was always so selfish.
So really do make this time for you. He isn't going anywhere. He is scared and needs you. The only way to control you is his sweet words. He is stuck somewhere. I've been in this boat far too many times. So keep working on yourself hon, you only get one life and it belongs to you and you only. Just don't waste half of it like I did.
Last edited by Bjen; 01-24-2009 at 12:06 AM. Reason: spelling
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