Lost, scared, questioning.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 13
Lost, scared, questioning.....
I'm new, so bear with me. I am going through a terrible time, and I am seeking help wherever I can. I recently broke up with my alcoholic fiance, and I am a wreck. Can't eat (lost 18lbs. in a month!), horrible anxiety attacks, obsessive about how he is doing....sound familiar to anyone?
I was with him for 3 years. Happy 99% of the time. We were to be married 10/04 this year...only a few months away. It was all planned. He'd always been a drinker, but it wasn't until Fall 2001 that I realized how bad it was. He'd been unemployed for about 6 months, and I knew he was depressed. He drank late at night, so I never really "experienced" the effect. In Sept. 2001, in a drunken, depressed state, he OD'ed on Tylenol & alcohol. 1 week in a coma, additional 4 in the hospital. No one thought he'd live....result was No MORE ALCOHOL due to acute pancreatitis.
5 months sober after that. Then right after he proposed Valentine's Day 2002, caught him with beer. Remember- doctor said alcohol could kill him, cause chronic pancreatitis, diabetes....he said he wouldn't do it again. March 2002 we had a fight, he went and got drunk, bought cocaine (that was new!) and got arrested for DUI and posession. Negative on the drug test at the scene....said he bought it on a whim. Thought arrest was his "rock bottom". He started AA as mandated by court, plus outpatient once per week. Still, about every 3 months until this June, he'd drink. Not days on end- just one big drink every 3 months, give or take. I'd get crazy angery, and hell would break loose. Once he almost burned the house down with stuff on the stove, once he drank mouthwash, once he cut his arm open purposely.....rarely was it just drink and go to bed. Mainly because I lost it every time I caugt him and we'd have hughe fights. He hadn't been to AA in about 5 months when we broke up in June.
The eve we broke up, it was same old, same old with a little extra. I found the bottle, he denied being drunk, we got into it, he drove off, came back, yelled so much I said "someone" would call the police, & he said "I'LL do it" and called the police on himself! I had to explain that it was a fight, etc. After they left, I told my fiance I was disgusted, & went to bed. He went to the sink to take what I thought was aspirin, but was 14 anti-depressants, and then he left. Got a call from his folks saying he was there, he'd sideswiped a telephone pole (no police- lucky him). Told them to make him throw up the pills- he did. Next day with much crying, we decided to call the whole thing off. And I feel like i've been dying a slow painful death ever since.
I am the Queen of Codependency, I have learned. After he tried to kill himself, I was SO SCARED of something else happening, I took over every aspect of our lives. All the $ went in my account. I was reluctant to let him have extra $, for fear he'd buy alcohol. I did not tell anyone about his suicide attempt- everyone thought it was just an accidental Tylenol overdose in delirium from a fever. Didn't tell anyone about the arrest or any of the drinking. I helped him file for bakruptcy due to $500,000 hospital bills and no insurance. Since we have broken up, he drank for 2 weeks straight, visited the ER, lost his job, and is living with his parents who are poor and elderly. He checked himself into a 3 day program (no insurance....couldn't find anywhere to keep him longer for free) on 7/21, and has not had a drink since. He also went to a couple of AA meetings.
Why am I posting? God, I love that man. Aside from his addiction and resulting behaviors, he was the kindest, most wonderful person I've ever met, and he made me feel loved and appreciated. I keep second guessing my decision to break up, and I make myself sick worrying about him and wanting to help him. I know he would feel better if I gave him hope of us reconciling, but as much as I want to- that would be unfair. And I could not take him back if he was not "better", so to speak. But I miss him and wonder all the time if there was anything else we could have done aside form breaking up. All my friends and family are glad I did it after learning the truth, but they don't know I can't go 10 minutes witout worrying about him and wanting him back. I cry all the time. I keep hearing that it was better to break up now than to have a family with him, etc. But, I kept thinking he would get better,and he seemed to want to. I am seeing a therapist who talks about "having hope but letting go", but I just can't seem to let go and trust God to do his will. I can't "turn it over". Sorry this is long. Any advice, thoughts will help. I feel guilty for the state he is in now, I miss him, and then I feel guilty for wanting him back. Help.
I was with him for 3 years. Happy 99% of the time. We were to be married 10/04 this year...only a few months away. It was all planned. He'd always been a drinker, but it wasn't until Fall 2001 that I realized how bad it was. He'd been unemployed for about 6 months, and I knew he was depressed. He drank late at night, so I never really "experienced" the effect. In Sept. 2001, in a drunken, depressed state, he OD'ed on Tylenol & alcohol. 1 week in a coma, additional 4 in the hospital. No one thought he'd live....result was No MORE ALCOHOL due to acute pancreatitis.
5 months sober after that. Then right after he proposed Valentine's Day 2002, caught him with beer. Remember- doctor said alcohol could kill him, cause chronic pancreatitis, diabetes....he said he wouldn't do it again. March 2002 we had a fight, he went and got drunk, bought cocaine (that was new!) and got arrested for DUI and posession. Negative on the drug test at the scene....said he bought it on a whim. Thought arrest was his "rock bottom". He started AA as mandated by court, plus outpatient once per week. Still, about every 3 months until this June, he'd drink. Not days on end- just one big drink every 3 months, give or take. I'd get crazy angery, and hell would break loose. Once he almost burned the house down with stuff on the stove, once he drank mouthwash, once he cut his arm open purposely.....rarely was it just drink and go to bed. Mainly because I lost it every time I caugt him and we'd have hughe fights. He hadn't been to AA in about 5 months when we broke up in June.
The eve we broke up, it was same old, same old with a little extra. I found the bottle, he denied being drunk, we got into it, he drove off, came back, yelled so much I said "someone" would call the police, & he said "I'LL do it" and called the police on himself! I had to explain that it was a fight, etc. After they left, I told my fiance I was disgusted, & went to bed. He went to the sink to take what I thought was aspirin, but was 14 anti-depressants, and then he left. Got a call from his folks saying he was there, he'd sideswiped a telephone pole (no police- lucky him). Told them to make him throw up the pills- he did. Next day with much crying, we decided to call the whole thing off. And I feel like i've been dying a slow painful death ever since.
I am the Queen of Codependency, I have learned. After he tried to kill himself, I was SO SCARED of something else happening, I took over every aspect of our lives. All the $ went in my account. I was reluctant to let him have extra $, for fear he'd buy alcohol. I did not tell anyone about his suicide attempt- everyone thought it was just an accidental Tylenol overdose in delirium from a fever. Didn't tell anyone about the arrest or any of the drinking. I helped him file for bakruptcy due to $500,000 hospital bills and no insurance. Since we have broken up, he drank for 2 weeks straight, visited the ER, lost his job, and is living with his parents who are poor and elderly. He checked himself into a 3 day program (no insurance....couldn't find anywhere to keep him longer for free) on 7/21, and has not had a drink since. He also went to a couple of AA meetings.
Why am I posting? God, I love that man. Aside from his addiction and resulting behaviors, he was the kindest, most wonderful person I've ever met, and he made me feel loved and appreciated. I keep second guessing my decision to break up, and I make myself sick worrying about him and wanting to help him. I know he would feel better if I gave him hope of us reconciling, but as much as I want to- that would be unfair. And I could not take him back if he was not "better", so to speak. But I miss him and wonder all the time if there was anything else we could have done aside form breaking up. All my friends and family are glad I did it after learning the truth, but they don't know I can't go 10 minutes witout worrying about him and wanting him back. I cry all the time. I keep hearing that it was better to break up now than to have a family with him, etc. But, I kept thinking he would get better,and he seemed to want to. I am seeing a therapist who talks about "having hope but letting go", but I just can't seem to let go and trust God to do his will. I can't "turn it over". Sorry this is long. Any advice, thoughts will help. I feel guilty for the state he is in now, I miss him, and then I feel guilty for wanting him back. Help.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: dysfunction junction,nc
Posts: 381
Eryn,
First off, Welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us. This is a great place to start the healing process.
I can really feel your pain. This sounds like an episode straight out of my life. It struck me odd that he has these episodes every three months. He has irratic episodes and self destructive behaviors. I'm not a psychiatrist and I'm not trying to diagnose him but it might help you to go to this website to see if this is how he is acting. I'm not going to post what I think but I'll PM you and let you know what I'm thinking.
Keep posting here. It really helps to let out your feelings to people who will not judge you...just help you.
Sending you great BIG HUGS!
2many2count
http://bipolar.about.com/cs/menu_diagnosis/
http://bipolar.about.com/cs/dualdiag/
http://my.webmd.com/content/article/...106_2205_SE_01
First off, Welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us. This is a great place to start the healing process.
I can really feel your pain. This sounds like an episode straight out of my life. It struck me odd that he has these episodes every three months. He has irratic episodes and self destructive behaviors. I'm not a psychiatrist and I'm not trying to diagnose him but it might help you to go to this website to see if this is how he is acting. I'm not going to post what I think but I'll PM you and let you know what I'm thinking.
Keep posting here. It really helps to let out your feelings to people who will not judge you...just help you.
Sending you great BIG HUGS!
2many2count
http://bipolar.about.com/cs/menu_diagnosis/
http://bipolar.about.com/cs/dualdiag/
http://my.webmd.com/content/article/...106_2205_SE_01
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 13
Thanks
Thanks for the welcome. You are correct...he was diagnosed with BP disorder as a teen- he's 30 now- but it fits. He is aware of that, but has been hit & miss with meds. I'm not sure if being medicated for BP disorder would help him stop drinking or not. He was on anti-dpressants this last time he drank and tried to OD on the few left in the bottle- guess they weren't working. I just wonder if taking him back and trying AGAIN is the right thing to do- I feel like the fact that we were getting married in a few months, the wedding & reception was all planned, and he STILL pulled this crap was a sign. But, I still love him SO much! He can't move back in with me (I moved in woth a friend) and he is jobless, but I still feel like helping (rescuing?) him. I have this notion that he'd do better this time, but he really hasn't done anything to help himself yet. Not even looking for a job yet. I find myself spending a lot of time trying to find help and "tips" to send him to motivate him. ARRRGGHH!
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
time heals
Eryn:
I am 60 days post-breakup with my AH. 15 years worth of marriage - I love him, he loves me - but I just couldn't be around him anymore. I didn't like who I was around him - I just couldn't function like normal. I was having obsessive thinking about him and such hurt from being neglected.
I can not emphasize enough how important it is to be around normal people. The more time I am away from him, the more I realize how the alcohol effected our relationship and how dysfunctional our lives were.
At first, you'll probably still be hurting and thinking about him even when surrounded by other people. But it will get better. Especially if you get involved with helping someone else in need. Those of us who lived with alcoholics tend to become as self-absorbed and full of tunnel vision as the alcoholic. Lots of people have struggles ... hearing and helping them will help to heal you. (You'll be helping someone who wants help, not fights against it.)
I just came back from white-water rafting with a group of teenagers. It was a totally new experience for me. Trust me, I spent NO time thinking about him while I was busy trying to stay above water!
Get involved with life again and be patient with yourself.
Take care,
EyesOpen
I am 60 days post-breakup with my AH. 15 years worth of marriage - I love him, he loves me - but I just couldn't be around him anymore. I didn't like who I was around him - I just couldn't function like normal. I was having obsessive thinking about him and such hurt from being neglected.
I can not emphasize enough how important it is to be around normal people. The more time I am away from him, the more I realize how the alcohol effected our relationship and how dysfunctional our lives were.
At first, you'll probably still be hurting and thinking about him even when surrounded by other people. But it will get better. Especially if you get involved with helping someone else in need. Those of us who lived with alcoholics tend to become as self-absorbed and full of tunnel vision as the alcoholic. Lots of people have struggles ... hearing and helping them will help to heal you. (You'll be helping someone who wants help, not fights against it.)
I just came back from white-water rafting with a group of teenagers. It was a totally new experience for me. Trust me, I spent NO time thinking about him while I was busy trying to stay above water!
Get involved with life again and be patient with yourself.
Take care,
EyesOpen
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: dysfunction junction,nc
Posts: 381
Eryn,
I am still battling with my husband and his bipolar. It gets worse with stress so they say. I am having to focus on me tonight. My husband is out there somewhere drinking and doing whatever he does best, living a reckless life. He came home for a few minutes and left on our van drunk. I talked with a counselor tonight and he told me that I couldn't save him. It doesn't matter that he is bipolar or has alcoholic tendencies. He has to hit the bottom. I mean the hard bottom without me trying to fish him out. Its harder when you have someone with a mental illness who is also an alcoholic. That website I sent to you has an article about self medicating with drugs and alcohol when meds aren't effective. There is also an article about the family of those with bipolar. Go read those articles and maybe you can understand him more and realize that this is a disease and a mental illness you are trying to fix. Totally impossible. You have got to get to an Alanon meeting just like I do. I am in the very same boat you are in. If you need me to talk to because I fully understand the situation you are in you can email me at sixpack_of_millers******.com.
I know that the email seems crazy from a wife of an alcoholic but there are six of us and our last name is Miller. I have 4 kids.
I am here for you if you need me.
Keep in touch.
2many2count
I am still battling with my husband and his bipolar. It gets worse with stress so they say. I am having to focus on me tonight. My husband is out there somewhere drinking and doing whatever he does best, living a reckless life. He came home for a few minutes and left on our van drunk. I talked with a counselor tonight and he told me that I couldn't save him. It doesn't matter that he is bipolar or has alcoholic tendencies. He has to hit the bottom. I mean the hard bottom without me trying to fish him out. Its harder when you have someone with a mental illness who is also an alcoholic. That website I sent to you has an article about self medicating with drugs and alcohol when meds aren't effective. There is also an article about the family of those with bipolar. Go read those articles and maybe you can understand him more and realize that this is a disease and a mental illness you are trying to fix. Totally impossible. You have got to get to an Alanon meeting just like I do. I am in the very same boat you are in. If you need me to talk to because I fully understand the situation you are in you can email me at sixpack_of_millers******.com.
I know that the email seems crazy from a wife of an alcoholic but there are six of us and our last name is Miller. I have 4 kids.
I am here for you if you need me.
Keep in touch.
2many2count
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Hi Eryn,
Do yourself a favour get some counselling and get into an Alanon program. Alcoholism is one thing mental illness thrown into that is quite another. You are in for a life of double hell if you stay with him. There just plain and simple is nothing you can do for him until if and when he hits a bottom.
My ex is schizophrenic and during our 3 years to gether I became suicidal twice from trying to "fix" him. I suffered he didn't. I left because it came down to my life or his.
Being codependent it's a hard pill to swallow that we can't fix them but I have to say that that was my bottom in co-dependency.
Ngaire
Do yourself a favour get some counselling and get into an Alanon program. Alcoholism is one thing mental illness thrown into that is quite another. You are in for a life of double hell if you stay with him. There just plain and simple is nothing you can do for him until if and when he hits a bottom.
My ex is schizophrenic and during our 3 years to gether I became suicidal twice from trying to "fix" him. I suffered he didn't. I left because it came down to my life or his.
Being codependent it's a hard pill to swallow that we can't fix them but I have to say that that was my bottom in co-dependency.
Ngaire
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 13
Still crazy
Thanks, Myles. It makes it harder that he was usually fine except once every few months. I was wrong about bipolar....he has a cyclic depression. Still......when it was good it was SO GOOD. I think that is what I am missing- the attentive, supportive, fun, brilliant person he is most of the time. I know for my own sake that I have to "let go", but it is hard when part of me doesn't want to. Part of me is still in that zone of hoping "one day" he'll be better, and then we can go back to the good times. And EVERYTHING reminds me of him. Crazy stuff, like toothbrush holders and the type of soap he used, etc. I am seeing a therapist and will have my first Al-Anon meeting on Sat. I just want to stop feeling like I want to die without him.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Ann Arbor, MI
Posts: 8
Dear Eryn,
I am in a situation close to yours. My ex never tried committing suicide, but I am feeling the same as you. All you can think about is him. I cant get through the day without crying and asking why me? Thinking if I had not called the police things would be different. Everyday seems to be harder and harder. I have to keep telling myself to look at this as a blessing in disguise. I hope that you will find the support you need through this site. I support you and want you to know you are not alone! I also will be attending my first Al-Anon Meeting this weekend. I hope it helps you. Please let me know how it goes. Just remember, you are not alone!
SoConfused
I am in a situation close to yours. My ex never tried committing suicide, but I am feeling the same as you. All you can think about is him. I cant get through the day without crying and asking why me? Thinking if I had not called the police things would be different. Everyday seems to be harder and harder. I have to keep telling myself to look at this as a blessing in disguise. I hope that you will find the support you need through this site. I support you and want you to know you are not alone! I also will be attending my first Al-Anon Meeting this weekend. I hope it helps you. Please let me know how it goes. Just remember, you are not alone!
SoConfused
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