katie44

Today is one of those days, I truly feel like packing up and walking away. AS is still using seems to be in a very deep depression. We put a retraining order against him. It has been hard, but have stuck to it. Our business is still on the verge of bankruptcy although dilligently we are tring to save it. I truly have had enough. If I walk from the business I loose my home, my job everything. I am running out of steam. Spouse got a DUI last year so I have been taxing him around not by choice, but we work together. Last year he talked me in to selling our nearly mortgage free home to buy a home with storage property. I was against it, but after pleading begging and bugging me constantly I gave in. That is when things truly fell apart. My mother passed away on the closing date, we lost a huge contract that he was going to store some work related items on, and the bank pulled our business line of credit. Three months after moving in we put this ridiculous large unaffordable home up for sale. We bought a much smaller home then the first one the home that I loved and never wanted to sell. Now with the economy business is barely afloat. Last May I went to my daughters graduation in Alberta. Spouse had to stay back. When I returned home I had an anonymous call saying that spouse had slept with some women. I confronted him and of course he lied I was nuts and mental. Well this Sunday he fessed up he did do it. Unbelievable cheating liar. His excuse he was drunk and doesnt remember much. How attractive! Its looking like he wants a metal for telling me. He said the guilt was eating at him, truly I believe he told me because AS knew and he knew it only a matter of time until he told me. I also heard that AS has veen very angry and disgusted in his dad. I saw this girl she is 21 years old, looked like she hasnt showered in a month and she is the same age as my kids. He is 46 years old. I am hurt angry and repulsed by him in the midst of this I have to work with him. I have been a dedicated wife or a stupid wife should I say. I know the decision to let him talk me in to selling our home is my fault. I am so angry I sold the home I love for this idiot, I have driven his sorry .... around for a year I am a fool. Not only that he put me at risk for aids or hepatitis. Sorry this is so long I am just very angry today. I really dont know what to do anymore. I never in a million years thought my son would be an addict, my spouse a lying cheat and be on the verge of loosing everything. Oh and he doesnt have an alcohol problem but he has a DUI and slept with a 21 year old and Im supposed to feel okay that he doesnt remember much.

GiveLove

(((katie44))) I'm so sorry. I remember your story and I know how hard you've tried.

Maybe it is time to take an inventory of you. Not in a bad way, but in a good way. Are you able to take some time and write down a list of what you have? And by this I don't mean investments or anything.....I mean what do you carry with you inside that none of his actions can take away from you?

For example, I know how smart you are. That's one. You obviously have determination or you wouldn't have come this far. You have more than one family member who is there to support you if you need them. You have a skill set from your current work that you could use to find employment. List them all, even the things you try to say "oh, I don't really have that...." about (ignore those voices...they are not welcome in this conversation)

All of these things add up to a woman who by no means is forced to stay in this situation if she doesn't want to. When you know you have choices, you can channel your anger and self-protective energy into building something new.

All over the world, people are finding new strength, resiliency, and creativity to get through this financial crisis. They may have to give up some things they took for granted. They may have to let go of old beliefs, and start over. That's okay...you are in good company.

Take care of YOU - I agree that his choices are ugly ones (I certainly could not stay in such a situation) but I am more concerned with supporting you in whatever you want to do next.

katie44

Thankyou for your reply. There are so many people worse off I know that and I feel guilty for the way I feel. I am just so tired and burnt out. I can not talk to my friends about any of this they do not understand AS addiction. They do not understand the legal obligation of our corporation. If I were to tell them what AS did they would say are you crazy leave the piece of ...... I just dont see after all we have been through being able to overcome this latest one. I thought we had trust what a joke. I wonder if things truly happen for a reason. I keep spinning my wheels and it only seems to get worse. Maybe my life is supposed to take a total different direction. I dont want to be angry anymore, nor do I want to sound like a pathetic winer. There are people that would think I am blowing this out of porportion, but 1.5 of pure .... and he does that. Did he even think I may be putting my wife at risk. The whole thing is repulsive. Our lives were already falling apart and believe me it was a struggle and then to sleep with some 21 year old.

carpenterdon

I understand how you feel
I hope things will work out for you
Thanks for sharing
Don

Barbara52

My first suggestion is to talk to an attorney to find out what your options are personally and with the business. I hope you can find a path that leads to a better life.

GiveLove

There's no reason you should stay in such a situation, katie, if you are tired of a life full of stress and pain. You don't have to do this.

It's making THAT decision that's the hardest.

The rest can be illuminated with a meeting with an attorney to discuss your options. I wish you well.

atalose

The part of your story that struck me was when you said you can’t tell you friends because:

They do not understand you’re AS addiction.

They do not understand the legal obligation of our corporation.

They would tell you that you are crazy and should leave the piece of ……

I am sorry but by not opening up and talking to those that love you and can offer you support, you are remaining behind a façade pretending everything is alright and that is what is going to keep you stuck living this life waiting for the next drama/chaos to come your way.

Another thing is, that when we do finally tell someone we’ve reached the point of truly wanting change, change that is going to really matter in our lives. But keeping our life secret from those friends is like keeping that un-healthy life alive.

katie44

Today at work he says to me " stop talking about what I did" Its over, and I'm sorry", but we have business to take care of and I really needed to get it off my chest" He then says " its not his fault he was drunk" this man takes no responsibility for anything. I siad to him it amazes me " he had the good time" and I am left with the hurt, the distrust totally repulsed. There is something wrong with this picture. Anyhow I am supposed to be grateful he told me. Yes he knows Im upset however there are more important issues like work, saving our home, the list goes on. I should just get over it because he is under a lot of stress and doesnt need any or this right now. Unbelievable. I was mad at him prior to this over the DUI, selling of our house. How right you are Chaos will always be around if I dont make a change.

robzbuzz

Im learning, through this website, as well as my experience, that Alcoholics will try to sweep everything that THEY do to hurt you under the rug. But the minute that you do something that bothers them, they explode and/or say "thats the last straw" and walk out.

atalose

I myself would not be able to stand side by side and work with this person all day long let alone then go home with him, I give you allot of credit for your threshold for pain.

Cheating would definitely be a deal breaker for me. I’d be packing and asking family or friends for a place to stay for a while.

It’s typical of them to NOT want to hear it, to stop talking about it to have you forget about it, wow how easy for them to demand such things and how convenient to blame being drunk for his actions.

Let me ask you “Do you need any of this right now?”

If this were me I’d tell him “I’m under stress too, and I will get over this just as soon as I get the stamp of approval on the divorce papers”. I’d then meet with an attorney, a real estate agent, al-anon meetings and look into my codependence issues.

You are never going to get him to validate your hurt feelings for his cheating no matter how hard you try or how long you remain with him, he’s not capable of that.

katie44

atalose I really dont have a strong threshold for pain. What I have had is enough of it all. How I wish we were not both shareholders on this business, way too many legal obligations. Your right about him not validating hurt feelings. He has made it all about him. Poor husband , last night he says " atleast I was honest with you and for that I deserve something" " I didnt have to tell you, but being the honest man he is he felt it necessary" how sickening. I believe AS knew about it the last 6 months my son has almost been hostile about his dad and my spouse knew it was about to come out in the wash. Whatever the reason cheating is cheating sober or not no excuse. I have lived with him 20 something years many friends we know there marriage has broken up over cheating. The idiot has always professed to be ever so dedicated. Can you believe this girl belongs to some sex club S&M that even horrifies me more. Hope it was okay to post that. Five years ago I thought I had it all two healthy children, a thriving business a nice home, a spouse that wasnt perfect but life was okay. I definitely do not plan to stay in this marriage. Looking at him litterally makes my stomach turn.

Still Waters

There is another commenter here who was arrested for her exABF's embezzlement activities in their business.

Just a heads up. You cannot trust an addict.

GiveLove

There is no shareholder obligation that can not be handled through a bit of legal wrangling. An attorney got you into the business relationship and an attorney can get you out. You would, however, need to widen your view and stop saying "I can't leave because....." and instead find ways to do it. There are many.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. You can sit and stew in hatred and drive yourself to cancer or worse with this stress and anger, or you can explore other options, Katie. For me, it would be worth the legal hassle. I have much to live for, and so do you. Good luck to you

katie44

Well I finally went to see a lawyer, he is dissolving me off the corporation. I did not realize it would be as easy as that. Too many "I cant's"" I have been using that one a long time. I have told spouse the marriage is over, there is no turning back. I feel nothing for him. I still have so much to look after but small steps. I cant believe I have wasted all the years. They say things happen for a reason " him sleeping with girl" was the last straw. The one thats given me a push in the right direction. To use alcohol as an excuse is disgraceful. Hmmm wonder how many other times. I feel like such a fool, but the good thing is I just have no feelings left for him anymore. He seems so concerned that I will tell his older sister???? I guess he needs to pretend he is father and husband of the year.

ItsmeAlice

Congratulations on getting yourself out of the line of fire in reference to the business.

You're right about the "I cants" we codependent folks are full of them, aren't we. Keep up with those baby steps and you are going to run out of "I cants" soon enough.

You let him live his little fantasy of being father and husband of the year. We all know better. When his family is gone, he'll be something of the year all right, but father and husband it won't be.

Stay strong!

Alice

Impurrfect

(((Katie)))

I'm so glad you went to the lawyer and have gotten the corporation off of YOUR back.

Don't beat yourself up for things that have happened in the past, things you put up with. We've all done it, and I firmly believe that I had to go through what I went through to become the person I am now. Yes, I spent a LOT of years getting to this point, and they could have been spent in much better ways, but it's done, so I choose to look at it in a more positive light.

I survived, I learned a lot of lessons, none of which I care to repeat, and I'm a better person. I now know more of what I DON'T want and what I DO want, and I realize that taking care of me is a good thing. I realize that no matter what I may be struggling with, each day is still a gift, and it is up to me to find my happiness in that day...it's always there, I just have to find it. That doesn't mean I don't have my bad days, but I just don't let them turn into weeks, any more.

After years (heck, DECADES) of being comfortable in misery, I'm no longer comfortable with it.

This is your year...time to spread Katie's wings and fly

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

GiveLove

Way to go, Katie!!!!! Way to kick those "I Can'ts" to the curb. You are a tough woman and I know there may be challenges ahead, but because you're doing them for YOU and in the name of your happiness, you will find a way to tackle them with style and grace. It's a grand adventure, this life thing, and it gets much easier once we are not dragging an anchor behind us

Chrysalis123

((((Katie))))

Good for you for starting to take steps to take care of you. I know how I felt when my 48 year old XAH started dating a 23 year old while we were separated. Ditched his kid on her birthday to sleep with the girl, and then ditched the other child because he was too busy eating dinner with her, showed the 23 year old off to our kids (Didn't even cross his mind what pain the kiddos were in having to see daddy's new friend and then come home to mom). I know I felt disgust, ....it was awful and I was angry for a very long time. I was hurt to my core and betrayed.

XAH told me I was ,"Taking too long to get over it", I was too negative, he couldn't thrive if he had to call and tell his wife and kids were he was. I felt so stupid for falling for all his lies and crap.

I would not want to go through that again. But you know what? I am doing OK, now. I got through it, just like you will, and you have already begun. I found therapy, alanon, reading here, and reading recovery books helpful.

katie44

Thanks for your replies, what baffles me is I look at him after all these years and he is a stranger to me. Someone who will never take responsibility for anything, someone who has never grown up. I think " what the heck was wrong with me to pickup his pieces". I never in a million years thought I would be in this place. The thought of starting over is fearful, but the thought of not having him in my space is a peaceful thought. I never thought of it until I read the postings I did stand in the way actually covering for his father and spouse of the year bs personality. I just dont want to be angry anymore.

Barbara52

I know what you mean. When the fog od denial lifted, I had to ask myself over and over "What we're you thinking?!" It took a while but I came to be grateful for my marriage to xAH because it brought me to the point where I finally looked at the "whys" behind my bad choices.