Advice from others?

Old 01-12-2009, 05:54 PM
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Advice from others?

I am hoping that someone in a similar situation can provide me with some greatly needed feedback. My daughter is married to an alcoholic, albeit one who has never been officially diagnosed as such and is in denial that there is a problem at all. While he has only been physically abusive to her once, prior to their marriage (that I know of), his drinking is becoming more and more a source of conflict between them. He is verbally abusive when he has been drinking, which is normally only on the weekends. Any attempt to speak with him about this causes him to become very angry, at which time he turns the conversation around to spotlight any 'deficiencies' he deems my daughter to have, rather than focusing the conversation on the things he does when he has been drinking. I have watched her self esteem plummet greatly since they've been together, which breaks my heart. Altho they're married, they have never combined their bank accounts, so she has no idea what he does with his money, and they have had utilities shut off several times because he was supposed to have paid them, but didn't. She is afraid to attend any Al-anon meetings for fear of making him, or his family, angry, because they are all afflicted with the same problem and she lives in close proximity to them all and deals with them on a weekly basis. He is very physically aggressive when he's been drinking, and wants to wrestle and fight, usually with his son who is a pre-teen. When his son cries and asks him to stop, it only makes him angrier. When he is sober, he wouldn't harm a fly and is the nicest person you could ever meet....when he is drinking, it's a whole 'nother matter. How can you help, in a situation like this, and how do you tread that line between being a 'butt-inski' or a genuine help? And what do you do to improve a situation of this sort? She is thinking of leaving, but hesitates to leave her stepson there, because she has never legally adopted him and has no legal claim to him. His mother lives in another state and is not very involved in his life, but still maintains contact. Any advice would be greatly, greatly appreciated.
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Old 01-12-2009, 06:13 PM
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As I see it, there is nothing you can do that you haven't done. You're there for her, to support her - when she makes a decision. Whether that's to stay with him or to leave.

You can't really do more than that.
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Old 01-12-2009, 06:19 PM
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Hello and welcome! I'm so sorry that your family is experiencing this. Please take some time and read the stickies at the top of the forum. There are many wise and experienced people here.

Your daughters experience sounds very similar to mine. It seems to be very typical of many alcoholics to turn the situation around when confronted with their behavior. Mine was a master manipulator and my self esteem was nearly destroyed when I found this site. I say "was" because now that I understand the dynamics of alcoholism the tactics no longer work. That doesn't mean he doesn't try

Probably the best way to help is to become educated - learn as much as you can and perhaps encourage your daughter to educate herself as well - she did not cause this, she can't control it and she can't cure it. She needs to know that. I spent a great deal of time wondering what I did wrong before I realized it truly had nothing to do with me.
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Old 01-12-2009, 06:20 PM
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This sounds like a very abusive situation. He's only been physical towards her once???Aye-yi-yi once is TOO MANY times!!!!!!!!!!

He sounds like a classic abusive alcoholic. Two separate serious problems that are like kerosene & fire together.

Have you tried naming it as such with your daughter. "This is called Abuse." Just as serious as you can be - maybe back it up with some literature? It is such a slow slide for so many women into this position - they lose themselves and their sense of what is a normal relationship...

If he is angry and aggressive towards the son maybe she can get a temporary guardianship (if she wants that) and take him with her when she goes...

I'd try to get her in touch with a lawyer, just to see what her real options are for herself, and for however she wishes to handle her stepson...

Local women's groups or abused women's hotlines may have referals...

Wow - so hard. Unfortunately most of us here have learned the hard and painful way that we cannot make another human being DO anything, even if it's in their best interests.

You should be sure to take care of yourself too- reach out for help and counseling for YOU!! (((hugs)))
peace-
B.
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Old 01-12-2009, 06:44 PM
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XXB300,

Welcome to SR. There is a lot of wisdom and support here for both you AND your daughter to take advantage of. Please do read the sticky posts at the top of the forum -- several of them deal with abuse (how to identify it, how to safely get away from it) and you can easily print them out and give them to her.

There's a better-than-average chance that he either HAS been physically abusive with her and she doesn't feel it's right to tell you, OR he hasn't yet because she tiptoes around him. Her fear probably controls her behavior, and she knows how far she's "allowed" to go.

I hope she soon realizes that she doesn't have to live like this...that has choices. If you live in the same area, perhaps you could find an Al-Anon meeting to go to together. It may be scary for her, but her actual situation is much scarier. I have known women who are so safety conscious in their life as to be almost immobilized, BUT who still go home to a verbal and physical abuser every night and think nothing of it.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It has the potential for getting much, much worse, and often does. You may be able to help in her education, which can only help. But she has to take the next step herself -- establishing boundaries and enforcing them. You can't do that for her.

Hugs,
GL
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Old 01-13-2009, 06:14 AM
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The others have said some great things. It's got to be hard watching your daughter go thru this. But only she can choose to help herself.

As for the abuse of the son, well you always have the option of reporting this to whatever child protective services agency is in your area.
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