kingston

Not a long time but a long time in many other ways.

I left my AH of 20+years, at the time he wasn't drinking and had been sober for just over 3 years. He had been in and out of rehab so many times I lost count. I left him twice before.

He wasn't working a program, had all the behaviors of an A and wasn't working at a job. Needless to say I wasn't working a program either and the blame game was going strong. The brunt of our finances fell on me for the last year or so and the resentment and anger built up until I just couldn't take it anymore. I finally had enough this time and left.

I've done a real turnaround on me and my life. I have a new home in the country which has become my sanctuary, I've surrounded myself with supportive friends, I've rediscovered my spirituality, I attend yoga classes 3 times a week, I meditate every day, I walk with my dog thru the property, I've lost weight, I've quit smoking, I look and feel much better. I don't obsess over yesterday.

I've worked on myself to learn to accept my responsibilities, he didn't do anything to me - I allowed it, I've recognized what was real in my marriage and what was my dream/fantasy. I've tried to let go of the hurt, anger and sense of betrayal. Especially regarding the infidelity which actually hurt more than finding out he had started drinking. Most days I feel very blessed to me where I am.

So, what's wrong?

I'm still not "over" him, I still miss him, I still love him, not a day goes by when I haven't thought about him. I'm lonely.

I have no contact with him, I don't know where he is or with whom, I don't know if he's working a program or drinking.

I don't really know if I want him back in my life or if even wants me back. I don't know if he thinks about me fondly or with anger.

I guess I'm still looking for some sort of validation from him, perhaps I feel guilty for leaving him. When I left he still didn't have a job and no money. I did leave most of the furniture and paid for almost two months rent.

So what am I doing? Well I went to my first Al-Anon meeting last night and will go back on Tuesday.

I'm posting here on SR to hopefully get some feedback from others who have been where I am.

Hopefully you can help me. K.

Chrysalis123

Well Kingston, I am having similar feelings. I also divorced the A in my life after the acting out became so severe I couldn't pretend it away. The contempt and disrespect from him were almost visible. The last year before the divorce was horrid for everyone involved and his emotional abuse of me and the kids was over the top. He denies it all, and according to him I have brainwashed the kids, the therapists I hired are nuts etc. etc.

Yet, I still think about him everyday. In my case I do not love him...I want away from him. Somehow psychologically I am still connected. Part of me thinks it took me 20 years to get here and it will take longer than 8 months to expect indifference?? In my case I wonder if 18 years of allowing emotional abuse causes some sort of trauma bonding.

I just don't know why complete separation is so hard for me.

Daisy30

Kingston, Try and read what you wrote again.

You are doing just what you are suppose to be doing...you understand that you are wanting some type of validation from him...and now you are going to Al-anon so you don't have to feel that way anymore That's great!

Before I went to Al-anon I was obsessed with the fact that I wanted my feeling to be validated by AH. That he needed to tell me my anger, sadness, confussion, hurt, was real and he caused it!

Then I realized. I am incontrol of my emotions. No on can make me feel a certain way. If I do feel angry then I try to figure out why, so I can work through it. If I feel happy great. But no one but me is responsible for those feeling

Soon you'll be in a place where you no longer will want his validation for anything.

Keep postiong! and Great first step in going to Al-anon!!!

sslusser

Sometimes it feels that no matter how many supportive people we have around us there is still that loneliness. It is that extreme closeness of a long term relationship. The way you know what someone is thinking by the way the furl their brow.

When I first left my AW I thought that I would never have that closeness again. What's more is that I thought I never would again seek it out. I have since realized that closeness to another human being isn't a process to be undertaken but a process that undertakes you.

imsherrie

Hey Chrysalis..i just read a book that has to do with trauma bonding. Since i have left my alcholic..this book has helped me more than the other 20 books i read..(lol)..i have done much reading! The title of the book is called The betrayal bond written by Patrick carnes. It has helped me understand so much about my being bonded to the alcholic i loved so much..but had to let go so that i didnt loose myself in his addiction. I was more addicted than he was!!! But my addiction wasnt substance..it was HIM!!! I want to share a short paragraph from the book about taking responsibility for ourselves...: The risk reminds me of how monkeys are captured in Africa. Tribal peoples put out slotted cages filled with fresh fruit.The cages are anchored securely to the ground.monkeys discover the cages..reach in and grab the fruit. Of course;they cannot retrieve the fruit because as long as the hand holds the fruit;it will not fit through the bars of the cage. The monkeys are then trapped. They could always let go of the fruit and escape;but they refuse to let go.Even as their captors pick them up;they hold on.Trauma bonds are similar.Their is always something kind,noble or redeeming about someone who has betrayed you. Victims of betrayal will hold to those good things even while the world crashes in around them.By holding on they stay stuck,just like the monkeys. We do make our own prisons! Just wanted to share that with you guys..and the book has been a god send for me! I read your stories here..i cry for you..i cry for all the hurt i lived through with my alcholic.I still care for him..and have love for him.But oohhh the freedom i am starting to experience. Let me tell you..it feels so awsome.Im learning to breathe again. I believe all things happen for a reason! Dont like it..but theres a purpose for everything! Now i am growing stronger..slowly..but im getting there. And i want to share some of my learning experience with others..and im so thankful that you bare your heart on here to share with me!!! Thanks for being here...so thankful for SR!!!!

imsherrie

This was great also about saying goodbye. : If someone does not respect your boundries,you will have to leave.Mant times i have witnessed incidents in which the victim gets to the point where she is ready to leave;only to have the abuser deliver the most compelling version of the seduction story. The abuser does not test the boundries at that point;but once the victim is sucked back into the circle,the boundary abuse occurs again. How can you change this? It is simple. State what is not acceptable and indicate that the cost of crossing the line will be that you will leave. For some people that is all that is necessary. When the line is crossed,you have your answer about the value of the relationship and the state of health of the other person. The best thing for you..and in fact the other person as well..is to face reality that the relationship cannot survive. Saying good bye is wrenching for survivers, who already grieve their many losses. Here the survivor must confront the deep desire for the suduction story to be true. There is more than exploitation or abuse at stake here. There is the loss of some dream or core hope that made the suduction story so irrestible. Usually that dream or hope has roots in some orignal wound for which the surviver has not yet fully grieved. So when it is time for good bye, the grief will be overwhelming. The choice you have to survive is to embrace the pain and experience the loss. In many ways the betrayal bond protected you against that pain. You may not have to say good bye..but you must be willing to do so. What lengths are you willing to go to in order to be free? When you answer that question, you may have to face another risk; to be alone..and be okay.

ToughChoices

Reading your post, kingston, I thought, "That woman has her head on straight!"
You decided you wanted more out of life, so, by golly, you went out and got it.
Beautiful.

But, I get the sense that maybe you're a bit of an overachiever?

I mean, you have made HUGE changes in the past 5 months. Monumental. It seems, in my opinion, a little too much to expect that your love for this man would fade away in so short a time period.

You loved him for years. He shared your life. 5 months has nothing on that.

I'm working on seeing my love for those in my life as an evolving light. It is a brightness that is always changing. Sometimes it glows with passion, sometimes security, sometimes friendship, and sometimes just peace and good wishes. Perhaps it will cycle through those phases again. I pray that my love will never go away, but, instead evolve, develop as is appropriate for the given situation.

I'm proud of you, kingston. I think that you are full of love and exactly where you are meant to be. Go easy on yourself.

Al-Anon has been a tremendous resource for me. Good luck.

-TC

imsherrie

To be alone and be ok...Many people suffer terrible relationships because they fear being alone. They give themselves away piece by piece rather than face an empty house or apartment. They will accept partial relationships;as in: the partner to the addicted spouse....the partner of the inmate in prison.....the left over attention from a workaholic spouse......the second class status of mistress...the secret clandestine affair. YET in these cases, something is not better than nothing. People who are not afraid to be alone can afford to demand relationships that work. They are not desperate while between relationships. Nor do they fill their minds with mindless television or mind numbing addictions. They learn to be alone...and be ok.

kingston

"but, I get the sense that maybe you're a bit of an overachiever?"

Thanks TC not only for your comments but the observation. YES I am an overachiever. I realize and thank my HP everyday for all the blessings that I have today and also for how far I've come. Greedy little codie that I am I want everything and I want it today!

After posting this last night I went for a long walk in the moonlight with my dog Kingston. I live in the country and the air is very clean and crisp. I could almost touch the stars - the sky was so clear. There has been quite a bit of snow lately and it was beautiful. I thought about all the things that have happened over the past few months. I felt a huge sense of calmness surround me and I smiled.

I've come to the conclusion that:

I'm exactly where I should be
Baby steps
It's taken me a lifetime to learn the behaviors that I HAD prior to me leaving my AH
Take pride in where I am and where I'm going
Be patient with myself
Be kind to myself

Thank you so much for your help - K.