Startingover2

Huge update from last night...bear with me I will try and keep it simple. We finally had a little discussion about what happened with his DUI.

Baby woke from her restless nap and was completely lethargic. Not the same kid at all that I put down for a nap. I could hardly keep her head up. It was really scary. After a few hours of this I called her doctor...who said to take her to ER just to be checked out. If its nothing, great. If it is then we are ahead. BTW, we have a friend whose baby has been in hospital all week with this nasty virus and they were playing together right before. So, as I was on the phone with doctor for 5 minutes I got 6 texts from exh...who is your bf? Just tell me? etc. I called him and said I was heading to ER. I could tell immediately that he was drinking. I really didn't want him to go that way as he gets rather obnoxious and I don't want to be around him that way, but he insisted. I did ask him on the phone if he was drinking and he got completely offended and telling me he loved his daughter and wanted to be with her if we go. So I pick him up and we go.

While there and waiting for 3 hours he was holding me, had his hand on my shoulder, holding my hand, kissing my head, etc. It was really wierd. Made me really uptight. He also wanted to stay at my house that night after we got home. I just said we will see how baby is. Then he was trying to joke with me about my boyfriend all night. Finally I said, what does it matter? Why do you need to know? He said it upset him at the thought of some other guy spending time with baby when he is her father. I wanted to say 'shoulda thought about that before OW and before you take a drink' but didnt. He also kept babbling on about if baby knows him or not. Then he got angry and was accusing me of keeping her from him. This is all in our little room waiting for the doctor. I said I wasn't keeping her from him that he sees her when he visits. I tried really hard not to throw crap back in his face like what did he expect to happen in this situation?

So, the big moment was he told me he knows I hate him and that he is a bad person. I said I didn't and he said it was all down on paper (custody papers outlining his drinking issues). I said I didn't hate him, but I don't like some of his behaviors. He said he knows he messed up but that doesn't make me a bad person. Whether he was talking about the DUI or OW I dont' know. He point blank asked me if I thought he was a bad person...again I said no, but he does certain things that are not acceptable or safe. He looked right at me and said 'you didn't need to call the cops on me'. I told him I did have to. He didn't leave me any choice. He was a tragedy waiting to happen and it was just a matter of time before he killed himself, one of our kids or an innocent person. He said I should have tried to stop him...I did. I did that night and many others, but he kept going anyway. I also said remember for months I begged and pleaded for him to stop drinking and driving and he just kept doing it.

He thinks I turned him in because I was mad about OW. Nope. Not that night. I told him I did it because I loved him and was petrified. He then went on to say he lost his license for a year, has pentalties, classes all because I f'd him.

Then the doctor came in and examined baby. She was feeling a bit better by then so he let her go home.

On the way out to the car I was holding baby and he had his hand on my back. I drove him back to his house and he said goodbye to her and said 'sleep good SO2'. I just said you too.

I got baby home and got a text from him "Whatever has happened I still care about you".

Wow. What a strange night! So that cat is finally out of the bag. Deep down I think he understands why I did what I did. On the surface I know he is mad because its inconvenient and everyone else tells him I betrayed him. I don't care, and I would do it again in a minute.

The sad fact is he is still drinking. I cannot let baby ever go with him if he is.

To anyone out there that teeters on whether to call a loved on in for a DUI...do it. Don't hesitate. Yes, exah is mad, but he is off the road.
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hadenoughnow

Please don't be offended by anything I say but I see lots of red flags here. IME engaging with an A just leads to my boundaries being challenged and stomped on.This is how I would have handled the situation.

First of all I hope the baby is ok.

You don't have to do what he asks, even if he insists. It was always difficult for me to focus on my son when I had to deal with the A and his drama competing for my attention.

Then tell him to stop.

No is a complete sentence. I say it a lot to my ex AH.


Blatant games and manipulation, if you engage with an A that's pretty much what happens.


Continuing to engage with him will lead to this boundary being battered at every opportunity.


Thanks for this

Startingover2

I see flags too and have spent the morning putting my boundaries back in place. Looking back I should have stayed firm in not giving him a ride to the ER. He probably would have walked anyway but it wouldn't have been me.

I know I was letting him get too close, but I was so focused on my daughter I wasn't able to say much. I didn't respond and I didn't reciprocate.

This morning he sent a text asking how baby was. I said she seemed better. He said 'you two have a good day. Love you both'. I didn't respond. The barrier is back up.

Still Waters

I swear, it pisses me off more than ANYTHING else whey they use the children in their manipulation.

I don't know why that is, but it is.

Needs a swift kick in the rear he does. Well, mine does too. :P

Bernadette

He then went on to say he lost his license for a year, has pentalties, classes all because I f'd him.

...nice bit of denial here. He had NOTHING to do with it!

Glad baby is OK and you too!
peace,
b.

Startingover2

The entire conversation was denial last night. It was all how I betrayed him. I surprised myself though. I knew the conversation would happen someday and I always hoped that I could hold it together and not get defensive and emotional. I didn't.

I guess that is why he was/is with OW as well. When he sees me he sees someone that won't let him get away with his crap. I never once apologized for turning him in.

Bernadette

I knew the conversation would happen someday and I always hoped that I could hold it together and not get defensive and emotional. I didn't.

I'm really glad you were able to handle this the way you wanted! I wonder if it is because it all came out when you were actually handling a FAR MORE important issue: whether your daughter was seriously ill. It's amazing, but when I come from a place of strength - whether it's when I REMEMBER to hold my own precious little burning flame in the forefront of my mind - or on behalf of my boys, I really cannot tolerate anybody's bullsh*t!!!!

I remember when you first thought he found out you turned him in - you were scared (I was scared reading about you being scared!!!!). It must be a relief to have it out in the open. Of course it also means he'll probably bring it up again in his quacking moments but I think you took a lot of the steam out of the whole thing!
Congrats on your strength!
Peace-
B.

Startingover2

You are so right! He is now bringing it up and now trying to use it against me. We just had the following text conversation:

Exah: I know you don't like me but I would hope you would want our daughter to see her daddy as much as possible so please help me whenever you can. It will be awhile before I get my license back.
Me: Its your actions I don't like. I have always made baby available to you on your days.
Exah: My actions?
Me: Yes. We have dinner plans. Talk to you tomorrow at your visit.
Exah: So what you are saying is you won't make any extra effort for me to see my daughter if my driving disabilities keep me from that?

I didn't respond again. His driving disabilities? Please...the guy lives less than a mile from here. He can walk, ride his bike or get a ride. What is he asking me to do? Probably drive her to him or have him come when he pleases.

FYI..in case you don't know "his actions" I am talking about are two things. His drinking and his affair he had during my entire pregnancy and with a newborn. Now he is throwing that in my face like "my actions" were wrong. I turned him in, yes, but it was the right thing.

I see how now this has all turned onto him as the victim.

Bernadette

Yuk - just that he starts with the "I know you don't like me...."

Oh, poor, poor pitiful him. Classic attempt at manipulation. You please help him whenever you can? Honestly! He's just throwing out a little bait to see if you'll bite. Stay strong - don't even nibble!!

Peace-
B.

embraced2000

leave it to an alcoholic to make a visit to the er with a sick baby to make it all about themselves.

i'm glad your baby is ok.

i learned to leave mine behind at times like this because he always complicated things and got my mind whirring and confused.

Seren

I, too, am glad your baby is OK. Sorry about the horrific night.

HG