Another rough night....
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
Another rough night....
Tonight was no different than the others really, but it just seemed a little rougher.
Started innocently enough, he was going to town and said he'd pick up a pizza for us to cook later. He came home with the pizza and a sub for tomorrow,............................. along with a case of beer.
He drank like usual, acted like usual. He was joking w/ a friend on the phone about something and afterwards he told me about it. As a joke, one of his buddies wives bought a blow-up doll for her hubby. They had it strapped in the passenger side of his truck, dressed in clothes and waiting for him when he went to get beer. Joke went well and that part I can get if it ended there amongst adults. Turns out the doll now resides full time in the garage behind the bar dressed. When they all go out drinking, they bring the doll out they've named "layme". They dance with the doll and what not, but the kicker is the kids are there as well dancing with the doll. They see no problem with it as the doll is full dressed and wears a bandana to cover the mask. Anyway, my AH told his buddy that I wouldn't get the joke because I was a prude. I'm pretty sure I'm not being a prude and would be PISSED off if someone had that stupid doll around my kids.
Even progresses, he drinks more, about finishing off the case. Tries to be intimate, sorry but drinking turns me off and it ended there yet again. So then he tells me that I'm turning his love away, why do I do this? I have a man who loves me more than anything and I just turn his love away. I won't accept any affection or intimacy, and it went on. Made me feel like crap in a way, when I know I shouldn't be.
I'm not a prude, I can take a dirty joke and get a good laugh at times. I just don't like it when little ones are involved(btw, the kids are 6 and 8).
It's not that I want to turn my hubby's affections away, I'm just not able to be involved in much of anyway with someone who drinks like he does and who has treated me so badly.
I shouldn't feel badly or guilty, but on some level it still gets to me.
Started innocently enough, he was going to town and said he'd pick up a pizza for us to cook later. He came home with the pizza and a sub for tomorrow,............................. along with a case of beer.
He drank like usual, acted like usual. He was joking w/ a friend on the phone about something and afterwards he told me about it. As a joke, one of his buddies wives bought a blow-up doll for her hubby. They had it strapped in the passenger side of his truck, dressed in clothes and waiting for him when he went to get beer. Joke went well and that part I can get if it ended there amongst adults. Turns out the doll now resides full time in the garage behind the bar dressed. When they all go out drinking, they bring the doll out they've named "layme". They dance with the doll and what not, but the kicker is the kids are there as well dancing with the doll. They see no problem with it as the doll is full dressed and wears a bandana to cover the mask. Anyway, my AH told his buddy that I wouldn't get the joke because I was a prude. I'm pretty sure I'm not being a prude and would be PISSED off if someone had that stupid doll around my kids.
Even progresses, he drinks more, about finishing off the case. Tries to be intimate, sorry but drinking turns me off and it ended there yet again. So then he tells me that I'm turning his love away, why do I do this? I have a man who loves me more than anything and I just turn his love away. I won't accept any affection or intimacy, and it went on. Made me feel like crap in a way, when I know I shouldn't be.
I'm not a prude, I can take a dirty joke and get a good laugh at times. I just don't like it when little ones are involved(btw, the kids are 6 and 8).
It's not that I want to turn my hubby's affections away, I'm just not able to be involved in much of anyway with someone who drinks like he does and who has treated me so badly.
I shouldn't feel badly or guilty, but on some level it still gets to me.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Haze....
You definitely do not have anything to feel guilty about if you don't want juvenile and inappropriate humour and behaviour around children. I lived in KY for about 25 years, and know exactly the type of bubba guy humour you are talking about....and it is not a good thing for kids to be exposed to that.
Don't let his comments or his buddies comments get to you. You deserve better treatment. And gee....how could any woman (note sarcasem) be turned off by sloppy drunken plays for affection.
Be strong, do what is best for you! Hugs!
HG
You definitely do not have anything to feel guilty about if you don't want juvenile and inappropriate humour and behaviour around children. I lived in KY for about 25 years, and know exactly the type of bubba guy humour you are talking about....and it is not a good thing for kids to be exposed to that.
Don't let his comments or his buddies comments get to you. You deserve better treatment. And gee....how could any woman (note sarcasem) be turned off by sloppy drunken plays for affection.
Be strong, do what is best for you! Hugs!
HG
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
It's not that I want to turn my hubby's affections away, I'm just not able to be involved in much of anyway with someone who drinks like he does and who has treated me so badly.
I shouldn't feel badly or guilty, but on some level it still gets to me.
I shouldn't feel badly or guilty, but on some level it still gets to me.
There is no bigger turn-off than some stupid, sloppy drunk. Period. You're believing his bs, that you should enjoy being pawed and slobbered on by somebody who's not only trashed but has treated you worse than a dog. He calls this "love." Lots of alcoholics do, and it's the worst form of quacking. I'd hazard a guess that the fact you're even taking this seriously -- at all -- is connected to the reason you're content to stay in such a horrible situation. You believe him on some level when he tells you what an awful person you are. And that keeps you there.
I hope you see - soon - that you have a choice about whether you live like this any more. It's nauseating to just read it from out here, let alone what it must feel to live like that. It's a vicious cycle that will eat up the rest of your life if you let it, and I truly hope you don't.
Hugs,
GL
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It's more that I just don't like hurtful comments. I've always been a sort of softie despite my attemps to be otherwise.
So....................................instead of talking about him, let's talk about YOU. What can YOU do for YOU to get away from this. Maybe it's time to to start writing, get some counseling, go to AlAnon, to figure out why YOU continue to put up with him 'blathering' his BS at YOU.
We are here for you. We can walk with you. However, YOU have to do the ACTIONS, we cannot do them for you, and trust me, the codie in me would GLADLY put him exactly where he needs to be with my size 10 1/2 shoved up his 'you know what', lol But my codie, can't fix your AH, nor take the actions for you, sorry. You have to take that or those actions on your own.
Good thoughts and prayers headed your way. You are worth so much more than how this 'person' and I use the term loosely, is treating you.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
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Originally Posted by inahaze 
It's not that I really believe his BS, he does though. It's more that I just don't like hurtful comments. I've always been a sort of softie despite my attemps to be otherwise.
But on some level you do really believe his bs when you buy into his hurtful comments. I can personally attest that despite your best efforts it's difficult not to buy into it when you're subjected to it on a regular basis. Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of love and support here.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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haze, sending you my best.
I too think you have to believe it on some level, and here's my logic:
I love my husband like crazy. He's a very smart, kind, honest, well-thought-out sort of a guy, and even if I weren't involved with him I'd respect him. But if he came to me and told me I was self-centered and mean (because I wouldn't do X, Y, or Z that he wanted) I could say, would say, and have said, "F*** straight off" without a second's hesitation and without a doubt in my heart.
You know why? Because I know for a fact it isn't true. That certainty of who I am and what my motives are makes me strong, and immune to quacking on so many levels. I know what I'm like, I know he's wrong in his statement, and I know why I make the choices I do.
You KNOW you're a good person, and you KNOW you care about him even though he treats you very badly. You're a smart and compassionate person. You are just making a (gut) choice that you don't want to have sex with a drunken man who has hurt you deeply, which is a decision lots of us would share.
And yet instead of getting angry at him for manipulation, you get sad inside....angry at yourself for some perceived shortcoming. You stay, and you take more abuse tomorrow and the day after and the day after.
You have a choice. There are a million other possible lives you can choose out there, and most of them are far happier than the one you're in. I'd love to see you happy -- hoping some day to see that.
I too think you have to believe it on some level, and here's my logic:
I love my husband like crazy. He's a very smart, kind, honest, well-thought-out sort of a guy, and even if I weren't involved with him I'd respect him. But if he came to me and told me I was self-centered and mean (because I wouldn't do X, Y, or Z that he wanted) I could say, would say, and have said, "F*** straight off" without a second's hesitation and without a doubt in my heart.
You know why? Because I know for a fact it isn't true. That certainty of who I am and what my motives are makes me strong, and immune to quacking on so many levels. I know what I'm like, I know he's wrong in his statement, and I know why I make the choices I do.
You KNOW you're a good person, and you KNOW you care about him even though he treats you very badly. You're a smart and compassionate person. You are just making a (gut) choice that you don't want to have sex with a drunken man who has hurt you deeply, which is a decision lots of us would share.
And yet instead of getting angry at him for manipulation, you get sad inside....angry at yourself for some perceived shortcoming. You stay, and you take more abuse tomorrow and the day after and the day after.
You have a choice. There are a million other possible lives you can choose out there, and most of them are far happier than the one you're in. I'd love to see you happy -- hoping some day to see that.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
I've been saving up some cash, my renters will be out of my other place this spring, my kids are out of school soon(they'll be changing schools and states) and I'm going to be going to my first Al-Anon meeting soon.
I think my thing is I always believed in marriage forever, I just didn't bargain on getting the other baggage with it.
I don't really thinks he loves me like even he believes he does. Come on, that's just nutty and if he really thought about it sober he might get a clue. You can't love some one truly and then call then every name in the book with all your soul. You can't bully the person you profess to love then expect them to show you undying love and devotion.
He has no clue that I'm leaving, he's just acting his normal self. I can't tell him and I have no plans on him finding out until he comes home to an empty house. I don't need the drama of trying to live with him while he knows I can't actually leave for a few months.
I made myself a promise when I got married that I wouldn't be married to an alcoholic. I grew up watching my uncles and people around me drink themselves into stupidity while their wives/families stood by helpless. Little did I know where I'd end up and the difficulty in leaving someone you love.
I think my thing is I always believed in marriage forever, I just didn't bargain on getting the other baggage with it.
I don't really thinks he loves me like even he believes he does. Come on, that's just nutty and if he really thought about it sober he might get a clue. You can't love some one truly and then call then every name in the book with all your soul. You can't bully the person you profess to love then expect them to show you undying love and devotion.
He has no clue that I'm leaving, he's just acting his normal self. I can't tell him and I have no plans on him finding out until he comes home to an empty house. I don't need the drama of trying to live with him while he knows I can't actually leave for a few months.
I made myself a promise when I got married that I wouldn't be married to an alcoholic. I grew up watching my uncles and people around me drink themselves into stupidity while their wives/families stood by helpless. Little did I know where I'd end up and the difficulty in leaving someone you love.
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